Reply to Lack of In-law Support

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you. [/quote]

She asked you and you said "not great".[/quote]

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me. [/quote]

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.[/quote]

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you. [/quote]

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years. [/quote]

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?[/quote]

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart. [/quote]

And yet you’re upset that your husband‘s family didn’t drop everything to care for you when you were pregnant???[/quote]

I’m not expecting anyone to take care of me. Just show an interest. It doesn’t matter anyway. He tells me how much he hates me and namecalls me. I’m all alone. Other people were right I have a husband problem. He gets nasty and throws things/lacks empathy when I tell him something is stressful. He seems to lack empathy. I tried counseling and he doesn’t change. It’s making me depressed. [/quote]

You need therapy now. 1) it’s not acceptable for your husband to throw things. 2) you need to set emotional boundaries. Your SIL not asking you how you are shouldn’t throw you into a tizzy. 3) learn to communicate your needs. If for some reason you need someone to check in on you or you need phone calls asking about how you are, ASK them to. Most people aren’t mind readers and you have agency in what happens to you.

You came from a dysfunctional home, don’t recreate one for your own child. Therapy. Now. Also don’t let strangers on the internet make you cry FFS. You’re stronger than that![/quote]

Throwing objects is abusive. That’s not a healthy environment for an infant or you. It’s understandable you are under a lot of strain from having elderly in laws with a lot of health and caregiving needs and a needy infant. It’s also understandable that after a traumatic birth you felt unsupported and that people did not realize what you went through. The answer to your issues with your family and husband is therapy. You need to work on your marriage. Your sister in law is not the issue here. You need to adjust your expectations of what you wanted life with his family to be versus what it is. My parents are divorced and I have 4 sets of grand parents in their 70s. Only one set helps - sometimes. The other 3 pairs are useless with our kids and expect to be catered to and treated as guests. The only break I get is when my eldest is at school and the youngest is with the nanny. Being in the sandwich generation is hard and many people have to juggle caregiving relationships of elderly parents with caregiving for their kids. You and your husband need to figure out a better way to manage your stress and work together to come up with a caregiving plan that works for all of you - his sister included. You guys need to be in the same team but it sounds like you are angry his parents are needy and incapable of supporting you  (when you feel the need to mothered and have no one from
Your family to provide this), angry your husband feels obligated to them, and angry his sister is not taking more of a caretaking role (despite her doing so for what sounds like a very long time). You need to learn to mother yourself - you aren’t going to get this support from his family because they don’t have the capacity for it. Therapy, therapy, therapy. [/quote]

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