MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we talk about the fact that you and your husband allowed gma to be obsessed with son yet you have another child? Why would you allow that?

This. And OP describes it as damaging to her daughter and they *still* allow it? OP regardless of your MIL issues you and your DH are clearly very flawed parents to allow this to have gone on. Let me guess, son is your favorite child too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we talk about the fact that you and your husband allowed gma to be obsessed with son yet you have another child? Why would you allow that?

This. And OP describes it as damaging to her daughter and they *still* allow it? OP regardless of your MIL issues you and your DH are clearly very flawed parents to allow this to have gone on. Let me guess, son is your favorite child too?

These statements make no sense. We don’t “allow” other people to feel certain ways. We aren’t responsible for each other’s feelings. Grandma feels how she feels and acts how she acts. As parents or otherwise all we can do is control how we do or don’t respond.

So in this situation, how much information is given, and what they give of their own time and space.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty clear the DH is stoking all of this. He must be close to his mom and talk to her often telling her the plans and keeping her in the loops. OP says he wants to be the nice guy and just let her show up. So get on the same page with the DH first since it doesn't sound like this is as much of an issue for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we talk about the fact that you and your husband allowed gma to be obsessed with son yet you have another child? Why would you allow that?

This. And OP describes it as damaging to her daughter and they *still* allow it? OP regardless of your MIL issues you and your DH are clearly very flawed parents to allow this to have gone on. Let me guess, son is your favorite child too?

These statements make no sense. We don’t “allow” other people to feel certain ways. We aren’t responsible for each other’s feelings. Grandma feels how she feels and acts how she acts. As parents or otherwise all we can do is control how we do or don’t respond.

So in this situation, how much information is given, and what they give of their own time and space.

We absolutely allow people to behave in certain ways. Grandma can think the sun literally shines out of her sons backside but the minute that favoritism was apparent to her daughter, OP or her DH needed to shut it down “Prudence, your bringing gifts to Larlo and not Larla/Complimenting Larlo while scolding Larla/inviting only Larlo on visits needs to stop because it’s harmful to our children and their relationship with each other” is not that hard to say— and I would certainly have shut it down before I let my daughter *be damaged* by another adults behavior. OP let her daughter down big time and is only worried about her own petty need for attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand why people let adult liars get away with it unchecked time and time again, coddle them and don’t call them out on their repeated ridiculous claims. Why, so they won’t feel embarrassed? They SHOULD feel embarrassed. Stop enabling bad three-year-old behavior in a grown ass woman.

DH: “Mom, you claim to have changed your plans and just happen to be nearby EVERY time you know DS is around. It needs to stop. We are having brunch with our immediate family.”

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand why people let adult liars get away with it unchecked time and time again, coddle them and don’t call them out on their repeated ridiculous claims. Why, so they won’t feel embarrassed? They SHOULD feel embarrassed. Stop enabling bad three-year-old behavior in a grown ass woman.

DH: “Mom, you claim to have changed your plans and just happen to be nearby EVERY time you know DS is around. It needs to stop. We are having brunch with our immediate family.”

+1000

Except the DH isn't likely to say that when he'd rather just have mom join in rather than rock the boat.

[Anonymous]

Team OP.

Be clear. Clear is kind.
“Midge, we’re not having any visitors this weekend. We’ll see you on Monday as originally planned. I’m excited to show you the award Larla won from her choral competition. See you Monday.”

Include spouse on this communication. Done.

She’ll be pissed off. She’ll make a plea to spouse. Hell, I could see her just showing up on Sunday morning. Don’t answer. Stand firm. With people like this, you have to go all in.

It will be better for everyone in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Be clear. Clear is kind.
“Midge, we’re not having any visitors this weekend. We’ll see you on Monday as originally planned. I’m excited to show you the award Larla won from her choral competition. See you Monday.”

Include spouse on this communication. Done.

She’ll be pissed off. She’ll make a plea to spouse. Hell, I could see her just showing up on Sunday morning. Don’t answer. Stand firm. With people like this, you have to go all in.

It will be better for everyone in the long run.

This. All of it.

MIL: So you’re saying I can’t visit my family on Sunday?
OP: Yes. We’ll see you on Monday.
MIL: Well fine. I’m not sure I want to come on Monday.
OP: Okay. Just let us know either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is obsessed with my son (and no, I'm not even complaining about how damaging this is to my daughter, both kids are college-aged). She has a long history of altering her plans so that she just "happens" to be in the area when she thinks she can see him, figuring we won't be able to say "no". She has no respect for boundaries. In the past she would announce she was going to visit for the weekend, and for the fourth weekend in a row, where my husband explained that it just wouldn't work, she had my father-in-law make up some story. Now they were going to be driving through on Monday, but she found out that my son is coming in Saturday night (9 p.m.), is going out with friends, and plans on hanging out with us on Sunday for brunch. He has a train ride to his summer internship that leaves at 2:30 p.m. My MIL has announced that she just happens to have changed her plans and will be driving by on Sunday. I don't want them to stop by for brunch. I feel like I get precious little time with him, and haven't seen him for months (whereas they have already swooped in to his college town to visit recently). It just isn't the same dynamic hosting them - I always get pushed to the background. My husband wants to be the nice guy, and just allow them to show up. I'm on the fence - suck it up, or put my foot down. Any advice?

Why have you put up with this behavior all these years? I would have stopped her partiality whn it first began. For now, tell her no because you want time alone with him and stick to your guns! In my house children were al treated the same and this included visiting children. If there weren't enough popsicles for every child then no popsicles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we talk about the fact that you and your husband allowed gma to be obsessed with son yet you have another child? Why would you allow that?

This. And OP describes it as damaging to her daughter and they *still* allow it? OP regardless of your MIL issues you and your DH are clearly very flawed parents to allow this to have gone on. Let me guess, son is your favorite child too?

These statements make no sense. We don’t “allow” other people to feel certain ways. We aren’t responsible for each other’s feelings. Grandma feels how she feels and acts how she acts. As parents or otherwise all we can do is control how we do or don’t respond.

So in this situation, how much information is given, and what they give of their own time and space.

We absolutely allow people to behave in certain ways. Grandma can think the sun literally shines out of her sons backside but the minute that favoritism was apparent to her daughter, OP or her DH needed to shut it down “Prudence, your bringing gifts to Larlo and not Larla/Complimenting Larlo while scolding Larla/inviting only Larlo on visits needs to stop because it’s harmful to our children and their relationship with each other” is not that hard to say— and I would certainly have shut it down before I let my daughter *be damaged* by another adults behavior. OP let her daughter down big time and is only worried about her own petty need for attention.

Pp here. Ok, I get what you mean here. By not allow you mean be direct and set a boundary with clear expectations of what works and doesn’t work. I agree - this is necessary. If grandma actually obliges or not is then on her, but the saying it is absolutely on the person with the complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You DO understand that you have to actually make a concerted family effort to hide info from your MIL?

You complain that it's hard, but that's what it takes, duh.

Actually it does take concerted effort to hide info from people like OPs MIL. It is normal in casual conversation to answer questions. If any of my friends, neighbors, co workers or normal family members asked casually when my kid was coming through town or when I would see them .I could answer without concern that they would demand to be included. I’ve had a pushy relative try to pull this crap on us too. We stopped giving information so she started badgering the kids. We had to block her on their phones. She then started grilling other relatives to see if they had seen or talked to us lately and what we were doing. If she got even a nugget, she would quickly try to inject herself. We had to go completely no contact.

OP’s MIL is the type that fishes for info. She isn’t making casual conversation and she’s injecting herself where she isn’t wanted.

I don’t get the impression that OP wants her son to only to herself. She simply doesn’t want an obnoxious pushy old woman taking over the short time she has to see him.

Regardless MIL wasn’t invited and I’m passing through is not a legitimate reason to include her when she isn’t wanted.

Yes, to all of this. I have a mil who does this. At first I thought I was nuts but as I started paying attention I noticed every time we spoke or saw each other it was like she was doing a play by play of our schedule recently and upcoming. Anything she realized she had missed she would comment how she would have come if we had just told her, and anything coming up she would try and schedule in before the end of the conversation. It is so stressful to have a a conversation with her and almost impossible to relax because without some level of vigilance I find myself roped into something new or owing her a response on an invitation. Saying no feels terrible even though I do it because she somehow corners the question so saying no feels so rude. I just started distancing myself because I don’t know what else to do. We’ve explained it to her and she has curtailed some behaviors like asking our kids directly for commitments, but it’s like she is programmed this way or something.

Would love to hear suggestions if anyone has btdt

[Anonymous]

OP, what happened?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what happened?!

Yes, please come back! How did brunch go?

[Anonymous]

Brunch was lovely, and MIL did not stop by.

Yes, this is a conflict with my husband, and we have been working it for years. It's probably our biggest conflict, and he does struggle with wanting to please his parents. Fortunately, my kids don't live with us full time now, and her reasons for visits have diminished greatly. When the kids were younger, I realized that my tolerance for her boundary-crossing was just lower than his. Generally, if I shut up, he would get there with her on his own (shutting down some plans). As we've gotten older, I've realized too that he doesn't want to own what he wants and ask for it. For example, he needs to say, "Yes, I would like them to stop by, I want to see them." He used to assume that I knew what he wanted, but I don't. But even when we both didn't, it was really tough for him to be firm, and I wanted him to take that role.

My MIL is careful not to cross the line on favoritism on gifts, money, etc. But it is her devotion and emotion towards my son that is apparent to everyone. We have discussed it with my daughter, because I think it is awful. Her grandmother does love her too, but it's apparent to everyone, son, cousins, etc., what the story is. She'd get teary-eyed, for example, when my son was in high school and something came up where he couldn't be at home when she was visiting, but seemingly didn't care if the situation were reversed and my daughter couldn't make it, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brunch was lovely, and MIL did not stop by.

Yes, this is a conflict with my husband, and we have been working it for years. It's probably our biggest conflict, and he does struggle with wanting to please his parents. Fortunately, my kids don't live with us full time now, and her reasons for visits have diminished greatly. When the kids were younger, I realized that my tolerance for her boundary-crossing was just lower than his. Generally, if I shut up, he would get there with her on his own (shutting down some plans). As we've gotten older, I've realized too that he doesn't want to own what he wants and ask for it. For example, he needs to say, "Yes, I would like them to stop by, I want to see them." He used to assume that I knew what he wanted, but I don't. But even when we both didn't, it was really tough for him to be firm, and I wanted him to take that role.

My MIL is careful not to cross the line on favoritism on gifts, money, etc. But it is her devotion and emotion towards my son that is apparent to everyone. We have discussed it with my daughter, because I think it is awful. Her grandmother does love her too, but it's apparent to everyone, son, cousins, etc., what the story is. She'd get teary-eyed, for example, when my son was in high school and something came up where he couldn't be at home when she was visiting, but seemingly didn't care if the situation were reversed and my daughter couldn't make it, etc.

Thanks for the update. Glad you were able to have a nice, drama-free time with your son.