MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is an adult. He can manage his relationship with grandma.

This. Doesn't really seem like he's that bothered by it or that he's desperate to have1:1 time with his parents.


Anyway Op you should get used to not having special time with your son because he'll likely soon have a serious hf and eventually a wige

I feel like this is how evil MILs are created. Next it will be just trying to have dinner with the son and excluding the GF/Wife b/c mom just wants to have him all to herself. It's been so long!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You DO understand that you have to actually make a concerted family effort to hide info from your MIL?

You complain that it's hard, but that's what it takes, duh.

Actually it does take concerted effort to hide info from people like OPs MIL. It is normal in casual conversation to answer questions. If any of my friends, neighbors, co workers or normal family members asked casually when my kid was coming through town or when I would see them .I could answer without concern that they would demand to be included. I’ve had a pushy relative try to pull this crap on us too. We stopped giving information so she started badgering the kids. We had to block her on their phones. She then started grilling other relatives to see if they had seen or talked to us lately and what we were doing. If she got even a nugget, she would quickly try to inject herself. We had to go completely no contact.

OP’s MIL is the type that fishes for info. She isn’t making casual conversation and she’s injecting herself where she isn’t wanted.

I don’t get the impression that OP wants her son to only to herself. She simply doesn’t want an obnoxious pushy old woman taking over the short time she has to see him.

Regardless MIL wasn’t invited and I’m passing through is not a legitimate reason to include her when she isn’t wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?

Loose lips sink ships. Don’t tell her anything unless you want to see her. And if your son actively wants to see her, that’s fine, but you don’t have to be around. Go on a spa weekend. He’s not a baby.

Notice that OP won’t answer this question: How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?

If you told her, that’s on you.
If DH told her, that’s on him.

If YOUR SON told her, and he wants to see her, then THAT is what “rules the day.” It’s his time home and he should see the people he wants to see during the visit. If you don’t like that, take yourself out to the movies or get your nails done.

This. She is finding out about these plans in a vacuum OP. Someone is telling her. Either you, dh or your son. Or someone any of the three of you are telling.

Your son is college age, and if he can't keep his mouth shut around grandma that's a problem for him to deal with, if it is in fact a problem for him. You cannot enforce boundaries without his cooperation.

Also, if you all post a lot on social media, stop.

[Anonymous]

Can we talk about the fact that you and your husband allowed gma to be obsessed with son yet you have another child? Why would you allow that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we talk about the fact that you and your husband allowed gma to be obsessed with son yet you have another child? Why would you allow that?

Yeah but people like this really leave you with binary options as when they refuse to change you have to cut them out off. If my MIL ignored my DD and was obsessed with my son we would have no contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is obsessed with my son (and no, I'm not even complaining about how damaging this is to my daughter, both kids are college-aged). She has a long history of altering her plans so that she just "happens" to be in the area when she thinks she can see him, figuring we won't be able to say "no". She has no respect for boundaries. In the past she would announce she was going to visit for the weekend, and for the fourth weekend in a row, where my husband explained that it just wouldn't work, she had my father-in-law make up some story. Now they were going to be driving through on Monday, but she found out that my son is coming in Saturday night (9 p.m.), is going out with friends, and plans on hanging out with us on Sunday for brunch. He has a train ride to his summer internship that leaves at 2:30 p.m. My MIL has announced that she just happens to have changed her plans and will be driving by on Sunday. I don't want them to stop by for brunch. I feel like I get precious little time with him, and haven't seen him for months (whereas they have already swooped in to his college town to visit recently). It just isn't the same dynamic hosting them - I always get pushed to the background. My husband wants to be the nice guy, and just allow them to show up. I'm on the fence - suck it up, or put my foot down. Any advice?

Is this a cultural thing where the (oldest) male heir is more valued? I'm just curious is all, as most mothers in law prefer or seem to bond more with grand daughters, right. Is he your only son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is obsessed with my son (and no, I'm not even complaining about how damaging this is to my daughter, both kids are college-aged). She has a long history of altering her plans so that she just "happens" to be in the area when she thinks she can see him, figuring we won't be able to say "no". She has no respect for boundaries. In the past she would announce she was going to visit for the weekend, and for the fourth weekend in a row, where my husband explained that it just wouldn't work, she had my father-in-law make up some story. Now they were going to be driving through on Monday, but she found out that my son is coming in Saturday night (9 p.m.), is going out with friends, and plans on hanging out with us on Sunday for brunch. He has a train ride to his summer internship that leaves at 2:30 p.m. My MIL has announced that she just happens to have changed her plans and will be driving by on Sunday. I don't want them to stop by for brunch. I feel like I get precious little time with him, and haven't seen him for months (whereas they have already swooped in to his college town to visit recently). It just isn't the same dynamic hosting them - I always get pushed to the background. My husband wants to be the nice guy, and just allow them to show up. I'm on the fence - suck it up, or put my foot down. Any advice?

My mother likes my two oldest boys, sort of hates my teen daughter (thinks she's an arrogant brat!), and is obsessed with my youngest boy. That said, my youngest adores her back and used to always beg to call her when he was little. It's interesting how random the favorite grandchild relationship is.

[Anonymous]

My mom told her MIL that if she didn't stop playing such blatant favorites and hurting my brother's feelings, she wouldn't get to see either of us. And she was not kidding.

That said, STOP TELLING MIL YOUR PLANS. If your son says he doesn't like that MIL invites herself all the time, tell him to stop telling her his plans. Be vague. "Oh, I'm not sure when I'll be in town next. I've got some big school projects I'm working on." Or whatever. But stop telling her. Just be politely, firmly, maddeningly vague. And tell your husband to stop telling her, too. Invite her when it's a longer visit but stop telling her about the short ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?

Loose lips sink ships. Don’t tell her anything unless you want to see her. And if your son actively wants to see her, that’s fine, but you don’t have to be around. Go on a spa weekend. He’s not a baby.

Notice that OP won’t answer this question: How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?

If you told her, that’s on you.
If DH told her, that’s on him.

If YOUR SON told her, and he wants to see her, then THAT is what “rules the day.” It’s his time home and he should see the people he wants to see during the visit. If you don’t like that, take yourself out to the movies or get your nails done.

I don't honestly remember. Most likely she asked, and we answered. It's hard to be evasive on direct questioning, and my son would have told her if we hadn't.

Actually, it was my son's idea to have brunch with me, my husband and daughter.

He hasn't heard anything about grandma's plans - that communication is going through my husband. She hasn't reached out to my son.

Does your son really care if Grandma comes to brunch? You sound very possessive of your adult son.

OP isn’t being possessive she doesn’t want a rude relative to demand an invitation.

Sounds like son will probably invite her. Since he's the one who let her know.

Nope, son did not invite her. OP’s MIL is one of those people who decides that being informed means she has an invitation. She knows that she doesn’t. This is why she announced that she is traveling through the area. This type digs for info and then announces that they are attending. The women in DH’s family are like this to varying degrees.

The only way to stop this rude behavior is say no. Tell her that she is not invited. It took me awhile to learn that pushy people will simply take advantage of those with nice manners. They will box you into a corner so you feel you can’t say no any firmer without being rude. This works for them to get what they want. You have to stand firm and f they force you to be rude, be rude.

I'm OP, and this is the situation. No, son did not invite her. Yes, after reading some responses, I asked him what he wanted. The four of us out to brunch in DC. That's what we're doing. Not a perfect solution, but we simply won't be home.

You mean you manipulated him into saying he doesn’t want grandma because he knew you’d be jealous? Crappy parenting

NP-your assumptions, projections, and judgments are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him your kid changed his pants and won’t be in the area after all.

Why stop at pants, tell her he changed his shirts too!

Lol I think P meant plans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?

Loose lips sink ships. Don’t tell her anything unless you want to see her. And if your son actively wants to see her, that’s fine, but you don’t have to be around. Go on a spa weekend. He’s not a baby.

Notice that OP won’t answer this question: How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?

If you told her, that’s on you.
If DH told her, that’s on him.

If YOUR SON told her, and he wants to see her, then THAT is what “rules the day.” It’s his time home and he should see the people he wants to see during the visit. If you don’t like that, take yourself out to the movies or get your nails done.

I don't honestly remember. Most likely she asked, and we answered. It's hard to be evasive on direct questioning, and my son would have told her if we hadn't.

Actually, it was my son's idea to have brunch with me, my husband and daughter.

He hasn't heard anything about grandma's plans - that communication is going through my husband. She hasn't reached out to my son.

Does your son really care if Grandma comes to brunch? You sound very possessive of your adult son.

OP isn’t being possessive she doesn’t want a rude relative to demand an invitation.

Sounds like son will probably invite her. Since he's the one who let her know.

Nope, son did not invite her. OP’s MIL is one of those people who decides that being informed means she has an invitation. She knows that she doesn’t. This is why she announced that she is traveling through the area. This type digs for info and then announces that they are attending. The women in DH’s family are like this to varying degrees.

The only way to stop this rude behavior is say no. Tell her that she is not invited. It took me awhile to learn that pushy people will simply take advantage of those with nice manners. They will box you into a corner so you feel you can’t say no any firmer without being rude. This works for them to get what they want. You have to stand firm and f they force you to be rude, be rude.

I'm OP, and this is the situation. No, son did not invite her. Yes, after reading some responses, I asked him what he wanted. The four of us out to brunch in DC. That's what we're doing. Not a perfect solution, but we simply won't be home.

My MIL is like this. I am about 13 years behind you in terms of my kid being younger. My MIL was always a little pushy and I knew it while I was dating and then married my DH, but it was manageable and I was much younger and much more or a people pleaser. After having our kid though my MIL pushed herself into everything. It took me 3 years to figure it out and understand why I felt so exhausted, irritated and guilty that I felt this way about her presence.

Examples:
A on our first big summer vacation with baby we went to a family beach house my in laws own for 2 weeks. We planned this 6 months ahead of time and 3 days before our trip MIL announced she would be there a day early to get the house ready. It had never occurred to me to explicitly ask her if she would be there because we barely talked about this vacation with her, my DH checked with her months ahead to make sure house would be available for us, and she never mentioned she was interested in going. From that time I learned we had to explicitly say we are going alone.

If I ever mentioned kids event MIL would immediately say “oh I would love to be there”. My old people pleasing self would reluctantly say ok

I started to not tell my MIL as much and when she found out about it she would and still will say “you should tell me this. I would have gone.” Most recently she said this to my DH about a special show my DH and kid planned for me for Mother’s Day. They surprised me with tickets to Kennedy center. When my DH told me mil the following week she immediately said “you should have invited me”.

Anyway, long ramble here but I feel you OP! It is honestly so frustrating. I have learned over years I need to just not tell her as much, say no (this feels awful but less awful over the years), and basically ignore her comments. It sucks because I actually like her otherwise but this has put a huge strain on her relationship and it doesn’t help that she now thinks I am difficult because I basically started having some decent boundaries (thanks in part to advice I’ve gotten on dcum).

My advice is similar to everyone else’s: tell her less info, if she explicitly asks just be honest - if you don’t want her say no, if you are ok with it say so. It’s an ongoing battle though but it’s gotten a little easier and I hope it will keep getting easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is obsessed with my son (and no, I'm not even complaining about how damaging this is to my daughter, both kids are college-aged). She has a long history of altering her plans so that she just "happens" to be in the area when she thinks she can see him, figuring we won't be able to say "no". She has no respect for boundaries. In the past she would announce she was going to visit for the weekend, and for the fourth weekend in a row, where my husband explained that it just wouldn't work, she had my father-in-law make up some story. Now they were going to be driving through on Monday, but she found out that my son is coming in Saturday night (9 p.m.), is going out with friends, and plans on hanging out with us on Sunday for brunch. He has a train ride to his summer internship that leaves at 2:30 p.m. My MIL has announced that she just happens to have changed her plans and will be driving by on Sunday. I don't want them to stop by for brunch. I feel like I get precious little time with him, and haven't seen him for months (whereas they have already swooped in to his college town to visit recently). It just isn't the same dynamic hosting them - I always get pushed to the background. My husband wants to be the nice guy, and just allow them to show up. I'm on the fence - suck it up, or put my foot down. Any advice?

Go out for brunch on your way to the train station. Don't be home when she arrives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is obsessed with my son (and no, I'm not even complaining about how damaging this is to my daughter, both kids are college-aged). She has a long history of altering her plans so that she just "happens" to be in the area when she thinks she can see him, figuring we won't be able to say "no". She has no respect for boundaries. In the past she would announce she was going to visit for the weekend, and for the fourth weekend in a row, where my husband explained that it just wouldn't work, she had my father-in-law make up some story. Now they were going to be driving through on Monday, but she found out that my son is coming in Saturday night (9 p.m.), is going out with friends, and plans on hanging out with us on Sunday for brunch. He has a train ride to his summer internship that leaves at 2:30 p.m. My MIL has announced that she just happens to have changed her plans and will be driving by on Sunday. I don't want them to stop by for brunch. I feel like I get precious little time with him, and haven't seen him for months (whereas they have already swooped in to his college town to visit recently). It just isn't the same dynamic hosting them - I always get pushed to the background. My husband wants to be the nice guy, and just allow them to show up. I'm on the fence - suck it up, or put my foot down. Any advice?

My mother likes my two oldest boys, sort of hates my teen daughter (thinks she's an arrogant brat!), and is obsessed with my youngest boy. That said, my youngest adores her back and used to always beg to call her when he was little. It's interesting how random the favorite grandchild relationship is.

She seems to love the boys but not the girl. Guess she can't handle the competition lol.

[Anonymous]

I will never understand why people let adult liars get away with it unchecked time and time again, coddle them and don’t call them out on their repeated ridiculous claims. Why, so they won’t feel embarrassed? They SHOULD feel embarrassed. Stop enabling bad three-year-old behavior in a grown ass woman.

DH: “Mom, you claim to have changed your plans and just happen to be nearby EVERY time you know DS is around. It needs to stop. We are having brunch with our immediate family.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a horrible person

Wrong.