My parents visit for a day and it’s stressful for my kids.

[Anonymous]

You need to shut this crap down as soon as your kids start bugging Grandma and Grandpa for things that will never happen. It shouldn't be this complicated. Tell the kids what the plan is before they arrive and if they start this shenanigans cut it off and remind them of the plan. This is kind of on you to rein in, why are you letting them put the grandparents on the spot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the answers.

I think the stress comes from my kids asking when can we go with them to Busch gardens, a beach house, etc and my parents will get all excited “yes! We are definitely doing that! Give us a date! Yes!”…and my kids get soooooo excited. Then they visit for a few hours on Sunday. My kids are left thinking…huh?

I do NOT project this on them. I tell them thah Gma and Gpa are old and don’t like to travel and don’t like be in the sun. They like to visit at our home and that’s ok. Then we think of who WILL go to those places with us.

Does my heart ache that they don’t want to spend time with us? Sure. But that’s my pain to deal with at therapy.

We drive to see then when we can and we FaceTime.

OK, that is a different issue that wouldn't be resolved if they stayed longer when they visited. I think it's reasonable to talk with them before or after their visits and say that if they aren't going to really commit to going to an amusement park or a beach house with the kids they should not say they will because it confuses and upsets them. Maybe you can have some ideas of things that would be fun for your kids that could work for your parents (activities you can do at your house like cooking or an art project or taking photos together, or places you could go together like a bowling alley or a bookstore or a tea shop) and suggest them to your parents ahead of time.

I suppose it goes with my original post because the difference between their words and actions are stressful for my kids. They think Gma and Gpa are coming and we’ll go do all of these fun things!…but we aren’t because they’re here from 2-5.

I do talk to my kids about this constantly, and lovingly. I do not stress wildly about the house or their behavior.

I will, again, talk to my parents about not making false promises.

If I understand correctly your kids are the ones asking. Your parents are probably agreeing in the moment because they are put on the spot and it’s easier to say yes than no. Talk with your kids beforehand to make the expectations clear. Don’t have them ask for something that’s not going to happen. It’s not entirely your parents fault. You also need to meet them where they are.

[Anonymous]

My South Asian husband thinks it's weird my dad only stays for the weekend. His mom stays for six months! I've grown close to his family, and it feels strange my dad doesn't want to stay longer. People have forgotten that we need each other. Everyone is obsessed with tv or cell phones etc. They want to check off boxes, but I don't think they genuinely want to spend the time with family or friends anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the answers.

I think the stress comes from my kids asking when can we go with them to Busch gardens, a beach house, etc and my parents will get all excited “yes! We are definitely doing that! Give us a date! Yes!”…and my kids get soooooo excited. Then they visit for a few hours on Sunday. My kids are left thinking…huh?

I do NOT project this on them. I tell them thah Gma and Gpa are old and don’t like to travel and don’t like be in the sun. They like to visit at our home and that’s ok. Then we think of who WILL go to those places with us.

Does my heart ache that they don’t want to spend time with us? Sure. But that’s my pain to deal with at therapy.

We drive to see then when we can and we FaceTime.

OK, that is a different issue that wouldn't be resolved if they stayed longer when they visited. I think it's reasonable to talk with them before or after their visits and say that if they aren't going to really commit to going to an amusement park or a beach house with the kids they should not say they will because it confuses and upsets them. Maybe you can have some ideas of things that would be fun for your kids that could work for your parents (activities you can do at your house like cooking or an art project or taking photos together, or places you could go together like a bowling alley or a bookstore or a tea shop) and suggest them to your parents ahead of time.

I suppose it goes with my original post because the difference between their words and actions are stressful for my kids. They think Gma and Gpa are coming and we’ll go do all of these fun things!…but we aren’t because they’re here from 2-5.

I do talk to my kids about this constantly, and lovingly. I do not stress wildly about the house or their behavior.

I will, again, talk to my parents about not making false promises.

If I understand correctly your kids are the ones asking. Your parents are probably agreeing in the moment because they are put on the spot and it’s easier to say yes than no. Talk with your kids beforehand to make the expectations clear. Don’t have them ask for something that’s not going to happen. It’s not entirely your parents fault. You also need to meet them where they are.

NO it is not my 4 year olds fault!

My boys will talk about roller coasters and BG because they love it, or talk about a recent trip to the beach.

My dad: wow! This sounds so great! We want to go! Tell us next time you go! Wow! We’ll be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not see the stressful part of this at ALL. Particularly for your kids. They will grow up knowing their grandparents and seeing them often. It's easier to plan a short outing that is fun than to keep everyone happy for days. Win-win.

We must have different definitions of “often”. My parents visit us maybe 5x a year, and the visit is capped at 3 hours.

We visit them over summer break, and maybe another long weekend if it works out.

[Anonymous]

OP reading through this thread it seems clear that your subject is wrong and you have been focusing on the wrong thing.

The issue is not about the frequency or length of the grandparents' visit. As others have said, there is nothing wrong with it and many people would prefer it.

The issue is that the grandparents make promises to the kids and don't follow through. The answer is to ask them to stop doing that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should just have them visit less since you're struggling to control the conversation when they are there. Presumably you are right there when your kids are carrying on about BG and your parents seem enthusiastic. Can't you just nip it in the bud so that there are no false hopes? Or do you also think your parents are going to follow through and then are shocked that the next visit is only 3 hours long? This just doesn't seem that hard. Most kids forget about these things right after and if they bring it up again you tell them it won't happen. In what way is this stressful on your kids? Are they crying for days after these visits? I find all that very hard to imagine with a 4 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not see the stressful part of this at ALL. Particularly for your kids. They will grow up knowing their grandparents and seeing them often. It's easier to plan a short outing that is fun than to keep everyone happy for days. Win-win.

We must have different definitions of “often”. My parents visit us maybe 5x a year, and the visit is capped at 3 hours.

We visit them over summer break, and maybe another long weekend if it works out.

You live 5 hours away. What do you expect? If this is so terrible move closer. When I lived 6 hours away I saw my parents maybe 2-3 times a year. You have very unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

I would love this. I hate long visits. My parents live IN TOWN and want us to come over and stay literally for like 6 hours. And we do nothing except sit around. I hate it.

[Anonymous]

No, you don't tell them to come for longer. You prepare your kids for how to enjoy a short stay. So many of us wish our parents would just do a quick visit and keep it short and sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing it’s stressful because the kids want more of a connection with their grandparents but the short time is making it difficult for that to happen - young kids get their feelings hurt or get sad and it can be stressful as a parent to have your kids go through that when it seems like steps can be taken to mitigate.

OP, is this what you meant by stressful?

YES. Exactly this!!!!!

I have explained to my kids time and again that their grandparents only visit for a few hours, they get tired easily and don’t like being outside, so this is what it is.

I’m the one who deals with the tears. Plus it messes up my Sunday.

Kids cry
Deal with it

[Anonymous]

Two pronged approach - 1) tell your parents to stop promising activities they can't follow through on and encourage them to suggest other things to you that fit in the timeframe. 2) Tell your kids that Grammie and Grampie aren't young like their playdate friends and different activities with them are still fun.

Oh and a second thing - twice you mentioned they are messing up your Sunday. Clearly you have an alternate agenda for your weekends that their periodic visits interrupt. If you can't carve out a day for them, what would happen if they really did take up your whole Sunday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this all so stressful? Just plan a short outing each time. This time the beach, next time the park, etc. I'm sure your kids gets stressed and excited at many other times. Why is this so hard to manage?

+1

I'm confused.

I’m confused why they can’t stay with you or around you longer. Then do the same with your sibling. Or take an extended family vacation.

It sounds too short for them but ok if they elect to do to. And your kids are some magical age where they are excited to spend time with family members. I’d nurture that more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the answers.

I think the stress comes from my kids asking when can we go with them to Busch gardens, a beach house, etc and my parents will get all excited “yes! We are definitely doing that! Give us a date! Yes!”…and my kids get soooooo excited. Then they visit for a few hours on Sunday. My kids are left thinking…huh?

I do NOT project this on them. I tell them thah Gma and Gpa are old and don’t like to travel and don’t like be in the sun. They like to visit at our home and that’s ok. Then we think of who WILL go to those places with us.

Does my heart ache that they don’t want to spend time with us? Sure. But that’s my pain to deal with at therapy.

We drive to see then when we can and we FaceTime.

OK, that is a different issue that wouldn't be resolved if they stayed longer when they visited. I think it's reasonable to talk with them before or after their visits and say that if they aren't going to really commit to going to an amusement park or a beach house with the kids they should not say they will because it confuses and upsets them. Maybe you can have some ideas of things that would be fun for your kids that could work for your parents (activities you can do at your house like cooking or an art project or taking photos together, or places you could go together like a bowling alley or a bookstore or a tea shop) and suggest them to your parents ahead of time.

I suppose it goes with my original post because the difference between their words and actions are stressful for my kids. They think Gma and Gpa are coming and we’ll go do all of these fun things!…but we aren’t because they’re here from 2-5.

I do talk to my kids about this constantly, and lovingly. I do not stress wildly about the house or their behavior.

I will, again, talk to my parents about not making false promises.

If I understand correctly your kids are the ones asking. Your parents are probably agreeing in the moment because they are put on the spot and it’s easier to say yes than no. Talk with your kids beforehand to make the expectations clear. Don’t have them ask for something that’s not going to happen. It’s not entirely your parents fault. You also need to meet them where they are.

NO it is not my 4 year olds fault!

My boys will talk about roller coasters and BG because they love it, or talk about a recent trip to the beach.

My dad: wow! This sounds so great! We want to go! Tell us next time you go! Wow! We’ll be there.

This is fine.

The grandpa literally put the dates and planning and yea/nay squarely back to the parents and nuclear family, as it should be.

“Cool, call us when you plan to go sometime and we’ll try to make it.”

That’s fine and respectful. Of you.

[Anonymous]

I think you're over reacting. If they come for a "play date" that's fine. Meet at the park. Meet at the library or a restaurant or the beach. Just have lunch or an early dinner BBQ and let the kids splash in a kiddie pool.
Don't you have other friends who come over on weekend for a little while for a football game or BBQ or playdate?