My parents visit for a day and it’s stressful for my kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your kids are picking up something from you and the language/ tone you use about their visits. If this is how they always visit, then it would be all your kids would know, so why would this stress them out? It’s not a problem that they just visit for the afternoon. I’m sure you can find a way to make it work (make a tradition of a playground visit or something). This is probably more of a *you* issue than it has to be for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing it’s stressful because the kids want more of a connection with their grandparents but the short time is making it difficult for that to happen - young kids get their feelings hurt or get sad and it can be stressful as a parent to have your kids go through that when it seems like steps can be taken to mitigate.

OP, is this what you meant by stressful?

YES. Exactly this!!!!!

I have explained to my kids time and again that their grandparents only visit for a few hours, they get tired easily and don’t like being outside, so this is what it is.

I’m the one who deals with the tears. Plus it messes up my Sunday.

Do your kids not transition well in general? Maybe that's the real issue here.

I don't really get how it "messes up" your Sunday. Spending time with family is a normal thing to do on Sundays. If it's not a good date, tell them no.

[Anonymous]

NP here. My parents are exactly like this. They live 90 min away but refuse to stay whenever they visit for more than a few hours. As soon as they arrive they talk about what time they need to leave and they already have one foot out the door.

To me it has always been very hurtful and stressful that they refuse to spend any significant amount of time with me and my kids. I am always happy to see them, have their favorite food/drinks on hand, keep a clean house, I SAH so my schedule is flexible, I’m willing to drive them anywhere they want, my kids are now early teens so there is no assumed babysitting involved. I also have an over 1,000 sq ft finished walk out basement with a den, full bath, bedroom, mini kitchen, laundry, etc where they could very easily stay (it’s like it’s own apartment, previous owners used it as one for their au pair).

At first my kids didn’t seem to notice how quickly they would leave but then they suddenly did. Why are you leaving already? Can you spend the night? How come you don’t stay for dinner? Where are you going? They would cry and get upset. Now they dont even get excited about the grandparents coming for lunch or to do a drive by to see their game because “they’re just going to leave in an hour anyway”.

I try very, VERY hard to facilitate a nice relationship with my children and my parents but they won’t come for more than 2-3 hours if they even come at all. My parents do spend a tremendous amount of time with my sister and her kids (who live near them, and no those kids are not better behaved than mine). Who knows why we get such a raw deal but yes, it can be stressful and hurtful with the short visits. The grass isn’t always greener.

[Anonymous]

I visit my daughter and kids and they are always stressed out. Help!

[Anonymous]

I submit that the stress is coming from you, and what your kids are is excited, but they see you’re upset and are following your lead.

Are your parents still working?

You’ve told them you’d like longer visits, but what do they say? Is there a reason longer visits are a problem, or is it just their preference?

You also need to reframe a bit. They have to travel a full day to see you. Do you go see them? What do you do otherwise in terms of FaceTime, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My parents are exactly like this. They live 90 min away but refuse to stay whenever they visit for more than a few hours. As soon as they arrive they talk about what time they need to leave and they already have one foot out the door.

To me it has always been very hurtful and stressful that they refuse to spend any significant amount of time with me and my kids. I am always happy to see them, have their favorite food/drinks on hand, keep a clean house, I SAH so my schedule is flexible, I’m willing to drive them anywhere they want, my kids are now early teens so there is no assumed babysitting involved. I also have an over 1,000 sq ft finished walk out basement with a den, full bath, bedroom, mini kitchen, laundry, etc where they could very easily stay (it’s like it’s own apartment, previous owners used it as one for their au pair).

At first my kids didn’t seem to notice how quickly they would leave but then they suddenly did. Why are you leaving already? Can you spend the night? How come you don’t stay for dinner? Where are you going? They would cry and get upset. Now they dont even get excited about the grandparents coming for lunch or to do a drive by to see their game because “they’re just going to leave in an hour anyway”.

I try very, VERY hard to facilitate a nice relationship with my children and my parents but they won’t come for more than 2-3 hours if they even come at all. My parents do spend a tremendous amount of time with my sister and her kids (who live near them, and no those kids are not better behaved than mine). Who knows why we get such a raw deal but yes, it can be stressful and hurtful with the short visits. The grass isn’t always greener.

Thank you for understanding.

To the PP, it wasn’t always like this but as they’ve gotten older they just don’t leave their house for more than 4 days: 2 driving days and 2 visiting days. They’re not THAT old but it takes them all day to drive 5 hours. I don’t ask questions.

I’ve been clear their whole life to not project.

I think it’s super hard because my parents will totally play to the boys dreams.
“Yeah!!! We’ll go to Busch gardens with you!”
“Yeah!! We love Yorktown! Let’s go!”

They talk a big talk, but then they get here and they spend a couple hours. Again, I understand that my kids are stressful. Yes they have trouble with transitions. But to show up and leave so quickly? My 4 year old has whiplash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this all so stressful? Just plan a short outing each time. This time the beach, next time the park, etc. I'm sure your kids gets stressed and excited at many other times. Why is this so hard to manage?

+1 This seems so easy to do. Why is it a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I submit that the stress is coming from you, and what your kids are is excited, but they see you’re upset and are following your lead.

Are your parents still working?

You’ve told them you’d like longer visits, but what do they say? Is there a reason longer visits are a problem, or is it just their preference?

You also need to reframe a bit. They have to travel a full day to see you. Do you go see them? What do you do otherwise in terms of FaceTime, etc.?

this is a good post, OP. Read it and think about it. Your kids are picking up on the behavior you are modeling.

I think you should focus more on what you do in the 3 hours than what you aren't doing the other 21 hours of the day. Think about it: 3 hours is just about the right amount of time at the zoo for little kids, 3 hours is just about the right amount of time for a picnic at a park or even a picnic in your back yard, 3 hours is a great amount of time to go to the back yard or a park and practice kicking around a soccer ball, 3 hours is a great amount of time to go to a movie and get ice cream afterwards, etc. There is so much to see and do here in the DMV. Do some of it with your parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand. My MIL came to visit recently and my kids went crazy the first day - bad behavior, didn’t sleep well. The second day was much calmer. To me the real downside of just a 1-day visit is that my MIL wouldn’t have gotten to see my “real” kids.

BUT they only see her like twice a year. If you’re seeing your parents more often, I think your kids would be used to them and the shorter format?

I would love more than anything to see my MIL only twice a year. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, these responses are harsh if you’re used to or want a warm, close-ish family. OP, ignore the haters that blame your 4 yr old for a totally normal human emotional response - how dare your child not be able to handle emotions that even adults struggle with?!? <sarcasm>

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My parents are exactly like this. They live 90 min away but refuse to stay whenever they visit for more than a few hours. As soon as they arrive they talk about what time they need to leave and they already have one foot out the door.

To me it has always been very hurtful and stressful that they refuse to spend any significant amount of time with me and my kids. I am always happy to see them, have their favorite food/drinks on hand, keep a clean house, I SAH so my schedule is flexible, I’m willing to drive them anywhere they want, my kids are now early teens so there is no assumed babysitting involved. I also have an over 1,000 sq ft finished walk out basement with a den, full bath, bedroom, mini kitchen, laundry, etc where they could very easily stay (it’s like it’s own apartment, previous owners used it as one for their au pair).

At first my kids didn’t seem to notice how quickly they would leave but then they suddenly did. Why are you leaving already? Can you spend the night? How come you don’t stay for dinner? Where are you going? They would cry and get upset. Now they dont even get excited about the grandparents coming for lunch or to do a drive by to see their game because “they’re just going to leave in an hour anyway”.

I try very, VERY hard to facilitate a nice relationship with my children and my parents but they won’t come for more than 2-3 hours if they even come at all. My parents do spend a tremendous amount of time with my sister and her kids (who live near them, and no those kids are not better behaved than mine). Who knows why we get such a raw deal but yes, it can be stressful and hurtful with the short visits. The grass isn’t always greener.

My dad is like this. Always one foot out the door, always leaves as soon as socially acceptable. Even from my wedding! I have had to accept that he is just getting old, doesn't do well off his routine for foods and sleeping and gets aches and pains from traveling and different beds and stuff. I've tried to talk about it with him but the bottom line is he's just set in his ways. He does love for us to visit, and he does like to visit us. Just on his terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, these responses are harsh if you’re used to or want a warm, close-ish family. OP, ignore the haters that blame your 4 yr old for a totally normal human emotional response - how dare your child not be able to handle emotions that even adults struggle with?!? <sarcasm>

Literally NO ONE said that. What most of the posters have pointed out is that the extreme reaction is unusual so likely the child picked it up from OP. They have encouraged OP to moderate her behavior and offered loads of suggestions about how to handle the afternoon visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I submit that the stress is coming from you, and what your kids are is excited, but they see you’re upset and are following your lead.

Are your parents still working?

You’ve told them you’d like longer visits, but what do they say? Is there a reason longer visits are a problem, or is it just their preference?

You also need to reframe a bit. They have to travel a full day to see you. Do you go see them? What do you do otherwise in terms of FaceTime, etc.?

We do go see them, but I have 3 kids. Nonetheless I can make the drive in about 5 hours. It usually takes them a solid day. 8-10 hours.

[Anonymous]

They probably have old people bowel issues and need more bathroom breaks or take a long time to poop. This is the unspoken issue inany families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I submit that the stress is coming from you, and what your kids are is excited, but they see you’re upset and are following your lead.

Are your parents still working?

You’ve told them you’d like longer visits, but what do they say? Is there a reason longer visits are a problem, or is it just their preference?

You also need to reframe a bit. They have to travel a full day to see you. Do you go see them? What do you do otherwise in terms of FaceTime, etc.?

We do go see them, but I have 3 kids. Nonetheless I can make the drive in about 5 hours. It usually takes them a solid day. 8-10 hours.

Buy them plane tickets. Driving is hard on old people.