My parents visit for a day and it’s stressful for my kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate the answers.

I think the stress comes from my kids asking when can we go with them to Busch gardens, a beach house, etc and my parents will get all excited “yes! We are definitely doing that! Give us a date! Yes!”…and my kids get soooooo excited. Then they visit for a few hours on Sunday. My kids are left thinking…huh?

I do NOT project this on them. I tell them thah Gma and Gpa are old and don’t like to travel and don’t like be in the sun. They like to visit at our home and that’s ok. Then we think of who WILL go to those places with us.

Does my heart ache that they don’t want to spend time with us? Sure. But that’s my pain to deal with at therapy.

We drive to see then when we can and we FaceTime.

[Anonymous]

Maybe talk with your parents and request that they respond differently. Tell them the kids will be happier that way rather than being disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they only want to go if you do all the legwork and pay for everything.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone has the fun, young, and loaded grandparents who pay for trips and book travel and do fun things. Both my parents and my ILs are older and my kids are young. My ILs in particular have never done anything fun with my kids and my kids don't expect much from them. My grandparents were like that as well. My memories of my grandparents are Sunday dinner and playing cards. Sometimes that's just how it works out and your kids can still have fun times and good memories. Where did your kids get the idea that their grandparents were going to be the funmakers? Time to squash those ideas and deal with reality.

[Anonymous]

My parents live 3 hours away and have come to visit exactly once, staying 1 night. They don’t like the drive, and are willing to live with only the visits we make to their home.
Life isn’t perfect for you or your children. I would focus on the fact that your parents make an effort to visit regularly, despite a long drive, and work on being happy for your blessings instead of stressed about the imperfections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the answers.

I think the stress comes from my kids asking when can we go with them to Busch gardens, a beach house, etc and my parents will get all excited “yes! We are definitely doing that! Give us a date! Yes!”…and my kids get soooooo excited. Then they visit for a few hours on Sunday. My kids are left thinking…huh?

I do NOT project this on them. I tell them thah Gma and Gpa are old and don’t like to travel and don’t like be in the sun. They like to visit at our home and that’s ok. Then we think of who WILL go to those places with us.

Does my heart ache that they don’t want to spend time with us? Sure. But that’s my pain to deal with at therapy.

We drive to see then when we can and we FaceTime.

Oh- we had friends like this - pretend like they are going to do fun things with my son and then never follow through. You just explain to your kids that some adults say things they do not mean. It sucks a few times and then they get used to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your kids are picking up something from you and the language/ tone you use about their visits. If this is how they always visit, then it would be all your kids would know, so why would this stress them out? It’s not a problem that they just visit for the afternoon. I’m sure you can find a way to make it work (make a tradition of a playground visit or something). This is probably more of a *you* issue than it has to be for your kids.

agree with this. I think there's a good chance they are reading off of your energy, OP. Do you stress and fret about getting the house clean and keeping it perfect until they arrive? Do you intervene constantly between your parents and your kids when they are visiting (to make sure your kids behave, say thank you, etc.)? Like are you being way too much of a puppet master? I'm just trying to understand how it's all so stressful. Stop saying they are "coming for a visit." Make a plan in advance of what you're going to do with them (go to the park, go to the beach, go to a toy store, go to a fancy lunch, etc.) and that's how you sell it. You are doing one event, one thing, one outing with them. It's not a "visit." And try to be self aware and ask yourself if your vibe is feeding any of this "stress."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the answers.

I think the stress comes from my kids asking when can we go with them to Busch gardens, a beach house, etc and my parents will get all excited “yes! We are definitely doing that! Give us a date! Yes!”…and my kids get soooooo excited. Then they visit for a few hours on Sunday. My kids are left thinking…huh?

I do NOT project this on them. I tell them thah Gma and Gpa are old and don’t like to travel and don’t like be in the sun. They like to visit at our home and that’s ok. Then we think of who WILL go to those places with us.

Does my heart ache that they don’t want to spend time with us? Sure. But that’s my pain to deal with at therapy.

We drive to see then when we can and we FaceTime.

OP, you need to address your parents' habit of agreeing with your children's suggestions for future plans. That's the problem. The unfulfilled "promises" which you didn't include in your OP and I see as the biggest problem here. There are kind ways you can express this. "The children love when you visit. And as children, they are apt to make suggestions for more fun plans. When they do this, please don't leave them with the impression that you plan on doing some of the things they suggest, like going to Busch Gardens, because to them they hear that a plan is set. Let's start making plans for definite activities for your visits."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the answers.

I think the stress comes from my kids asking when can we go with them to Busch gardens, a beach house, etc and my parents will get all excited “yes! We are definitely doing that! Give us a date! Yes!”…and my kids get soooooo excited. Then they visit for a few hours on Sunday. My kids are left thinking…huh?

I do NOT project this on them. I tell them thah Gma and Gpa are old and don’t like to travel and don’t like be in the sun. They like to visit at our home and that’s ok. Then we think of who WILL go to those places with us.

Does my heart ache that they don’t want to spend time with us? Sure. But that’s my pain to deal with at therapy.

We drive to see then when we can and we FaceTime.

OK, that is a different issue that wouldn't be resolved if they stayed longer when they visited. I think it's reasonable to talk with them before or after their visits and say that if they aren't going to really commit to going to an amusement park or a beach house with the kids they should not say they will because it confuses and upsets them. Maybe you can have some ideas of things that would be fun for your kids that could work for your parents (activities you can do at your house like cooking or an art project or taking photos together, or places you could go together like a bowling alley or a bookstore or a tea shop) and suggest them to your parents ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the answers.

I think the stress comes from my kids asking when can we go with them to Busch gardens, a beach house, etc and my parents will get all excited “yes! We are definitely doing that! Give us a date! Yes!”…and my kids get soooooo excited. Then they visit for a few hours on Sunday. My kids are left thinking…huh?

I do NOT project this on them. I tell them thah Gma and Gpa are old and don’t like to travel and don’t like be in the sun. They like to visit at our home and that’s ok. Then we think of who WILL go to those places with us.

Does my heart ache that they don’t want to spend time with us? Sure. But that’s my pain to deal with at therapy.

We drive to see then when we can and we FaceTime.

We have the same problem. Grandma promises my kids all of these fun vacations and outings. It never happens. Last time, she swore to stay an extra day and then snuck out to drive home while they showered. It’s weird. It would be immensely easier if she simply said “Oh! I love the beach but Grandma can’t take you!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the answers.

I think the stress comes from my kids asking when can we go with them to Busch gardens, a beach house, etc and my parents will get all excited “yes! We are definitely doing that! Give us a date! Yes!”…and my kids get soooooo excited. Then they visit for a few hours on Sunday. My kids are left thinking…huh?

I do NOT project this on them. I tell them thah Gma and Gpa are old and don’t like to travel and don’t like be in the sun. They like to visit at our home and that’s ok. Then we think of who WILL go to those places with us.

Does my heart ache that they don’t want to spend time with us? Sure. But that’s my pain to deal with at therapy.

We drive to see then when we can and we FaceTime.

OK, that is a different issue that wouldn't be resolved if they stayed longer when they visited. I think it's reasonable to talk with them before or after their visits and say that if they aren't going to really commit to going to an amusement park or a beach house with the kids they should not say they will because it confuses and upsets them. Maybe you can have some ideas of things that would be fun for your kids that could work for your parents (activities you can do at your house like cooking or an art project or taking photos together, or places you could go together like a bowling alley or a bookstore or a tea shop) and suggest them to your parents ahead of time.

I suppose it goes with my original post because the difference between their words and actions are stressful for my kids. They think Gma and Gpa are coming and we’ll go do all of these fun things!…but we aren’t because they’re here from 2-5.

I do talk to my kids about this constantly, and lovingly. I do not stress wildly about the house or their behavior.

I will, again, talk to my parents about not making false promises.

[Anonymous]

My MIL will be here for a week. I’d prefer an afternoon. You’ve got it made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the answers.

I think the stress comes from my kids asking when can we go with them to Busch gardens, a beach house, etc and my parents will get all excited “yes! We are definitely doing that! Give us a date! Yes!”…and my kids get soooooo excited. Then they visit for a few hours on Sunday. My kids are left thinking…huh?

I do NOT project this on them. I tell them thah Gma and Gpa are old and don’t like to travel and don’t like be in the sun. They like to visit at our home and that’s ok. Then we think of who WILL go to those places with us.

Does my heart ache that they don’t want to spend time with us? Sure. But that’s my pain to deal with at therapy.

We drive to see then when we can and we FaceTime.

OK, that is a different issue that wouldn't be resolved if they stayed longer when they visited. I think it's reasonable to talk with them before or after their visits and say that if they aren't going to really commit to going to an amusement park or a beach house with the kids they should not say they will because it confuses and upsets them. Maybe you can have some ideas of things that would be fun for your kids that could work for your parents (activities you can do at your house like cooking or an art project or taking photos together, or places you could go together like a bowling alley or a bookstore or a tea shop) and suggest them to your parents ahead of time.

I suppose it goes with my original post because the difference between their words and actions are stressful for my kids. They think Gma and Gpa are coming and we’ll go do all of these fun things!…but we aren’t because they’re here from 2-5.

I do talk to my kids about this constantly, and lovingly. I do not stress wildly about the house or their behavior.

I will, again, talk to my parents about not making false promises.

I think that’s the big part of it. We live 30 minutes from my parents so visits are generally an afternoon. But my parents are really really good about following through so they would make sure they kept a promise to do x outing or whatever. Can also da really fun in home activity with them? Like a special craft or dessert or something? It’s nice to make it more of an event and not just hanging out if it’s a short visit and you don’t see them that frequently.

[Anonymous]

I do not see the stressful part of this at ALL. Particularly for your kids. They will grow up knowing their grandparents and seeing them often. It's easier to plan a short outing that is fun than to keep everyone happy for days. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

Prepare the kids just before the visit with what to expect — this is only going to be a short afternoon visit with Grandma and Grandpa, what the agenda is (no special trips today) and what they have coming up after their grandparents’ visit (like school the next day). If you ever hear a conversation about a future trip going on, step in and manage that expectation right away.

Your kids should also know that no matter what the grandparents (or anyone else) say, all decisions about trips will still need to be approved by you first — always! So the person they need to ask is you.

How to help them manage their disappointment:
https://printableparents.com/8-strategies-to-help-your-child-manage-disappointment-free-printable/