Unreasonable request?

[Anonymous]

If MIL is going to help SIL with recovery, why can't SIL just go stay with MIL? 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

OP, you don’t have a SIL problem, you have a DH problem. If he’s reluctant to say no (which can *only* come from him - and not you), then you can offer up a compromise. You are willing to help host them for one week. So a solution is that he can offer up two weeks, and since he travels, he can take off the first week (or not travel). You go out of town that week. He can manage the kid enthusiasm and logistics of the school runs and hosting. You will be back the 2nd week to take over for the kid ligitiacs, but he should have all the meals and hosting sorted by then.

Once he realizes the load would actually fall on him back shoving on you, his tune may change.

I agree that it is completely unreasonable in the situation you describe to host them for 4-8 weeks.

[Anonymous]

I'd say two weeks, but longer than that no. If you allow your parents to visit, she should too. I'd ask her to wait till the summer when kids are out of school as a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t MIL go care for SIL at SIL’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t MIL go care for SIL at SIL’s house?

DP guessing that MIL doesn’t want to do it by herself and SIL doesn’t want to pay for extra help for her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your are not unreasonable. Do some research and find nearby accommodation that's make for easy visits. Couch your response in how long stays affect the kids and offer the accommodation info.

Agreed. Do the research and sent it to your SIL. She won't be happy (especially since your family gets to stay with you for a week) but it's also not realistic for them to stay for a month. And she will want her own space to heal.

Another +1 to both the above. This is too big an ask on her part. It is NOT comparable to your parents visiting for one week; your parents won't be there, expecting to recuperate from an operation, expecting another adult (MIL) to be there by their side, etc.

This is a situation with too many potential variables and FAR too much potential for conflicts and rifts that last after she's gone. Where is your DH on all this?? Does he think she should stay? I would walk him through all the issues you mention with the kids, then with the idea that SIL recovering from an operation is not comparable to your healthy parents visiting, then I'd add these scenarios:

--What happens if SIL's operation gets delayed? It happens. Would she just stay on with you, until it takes place?
--What if the operation doesn't go well and she has a longer-than-expected recuperation? You will have more weeks of a houseguest who is laid up.
--What are the arrangements supposed to be for food, even if her stay goes ideally and she recuperates easily-- Are you meant to cook enough at every meal to feed her and MIL? Even if they pay for food, that's a lot of additional labor. Or would MIL be in your kitchen preparing food for her and SIL? One doesn't want to be ungenerous with food, money or time, but if you end up with a month total of houseguests (or more, if SIL ends up staying longer) -- that's a ton of meals with extra people around, even if they do pay toward food. It will be very disruptive to the kids, really.
--What if MIL doesn't come, or gets sick, or tests positive for Covid and should stay home, or comes for a shorter time than SIL thought? Who ends up looking after SIL when she needs something but can't yet get up and get it herself? Well, of course DH or you would help because you're decent folks. But...it will get very old, and nerves will fray. Is MIL in tip-top shape herself, and is she the one who says she'll come--or is SIL volunteering her?

I'm not being mean about houseguests in general or about a person who needs medical help. But this thing of bunking with you while recuperating is basically asking for trouble, OP. Be very proactive and positive about finding alternative arrangements so you don't seem to be rejecting her as a person, but do find something else. Get specifics to send her. But the one sending them, and telling her no, should be your DH, not you. Everyone handles their OWN families of origin in case like this. If you say no, your'e the mean SIL but if he says no, well, he's the brother and can suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t MIL go care for SIL at SIL’s house?

DP guessing that MIL doesn’t want to do it by herself and SIL doesn’t want to pay for extra help for her mom.

Folks, please read the OP more carefully. The SIL lives outside the US. So MIL simply going to the SIL's house means a trip overseas for the MIL. And the SIL would have to fly home to her country of residence immediately after having an operation here. Not a good idea.

Still, OP and the DH need to say no to this and help the SIL locate another place to stay. Tell SIL and MIL, you will both rest so much better without the kids around....Which is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t MIL go care for SIL at SIL’s house?

DP guessing that MIL doesn’t want to do it by herself and SIL doesn’t want to pay for extra help for her mom.

Folks, please read the OP more carefully. The SIL lives outside the US. So MIL simply going to the SIL's house means a trip overseas for the MIL. And the SIL would have to fly home to her country of residence immediately after having an operation here. Not a good idea.

Still, OP and the DH need to say no to this and help the SIL locate another place to stay. Tell SIL and MIL, you will both rest so much better without the kids around....Which is true.

Where in the OP does it say MIL doesn’t live overseas?

[Anonymous]

Why spend any energy on evaluating the degree that something is unreasonable? Just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t MIL go care for SIL at SIL’s house?

DP guessing that MIL doesn’t want to do it by herself and SIL doesn’t want to pay for extra help for her mom.

Folks, please read the OP more carefully. The SIL lives outside the US. So MIL simply going to the SIL's house means a trip overseas for the MIL. And the SIL would have to fly home to her country of residence immediately after having an operation here. Not a good idea.

Still, OP and the DH need to say no to this and help the SIL locate another place to stay. Tell SIL and MIL, you will both rest so much better without the kids around....Which is true.

No. Why doesn’t SIL go to MIL’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would be fine if they were coming for a week. I could manage 2 different one week visits. We are talking multiple weeks, likely a month (maybe longer) because of surgery. The kids react very differently with MIL and SIL which is why it is so disruptive. My kids will not accept that they can't sleep with them and I'm sure that MIL would complain too. I would have a month where every single night is a struggle to get them to go to bed and they wake up super early. They won't listen to their parents and behave crazy when MIL and SIL are here. We lose all structure and routine. I also personally don't like having guests for more than a week. I would not have my own family visit for more than a week.

One of my kids is having issues at school which also makes the timing of this really bad. It has been incredibly stressful and the thought of a month of visitors gives me complete anxiety. I told SIL that June would be much better but she insists on May.

This is not the first time this has happened. They have overstayed their welcome on a number of occasions and they are aware this is an issue for me.

Too bad. You are the parent. It doesn’t matter what your kids do or don’t “accept.”

It is your house. So what if MIL complains?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one month long day is unreasonable, but you’re also being unreasonable if one week for your own family is okay but not one week for your husband‘s family.

Horse hockey. Fair is a place with rides. You don't have to do the same thing for different people. Inviting one family does not mean you have to do the same for other families.

Wow. You sound ancient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL lives overseas. She is single with no kids, never been married. She is well off and has plenty of money. She asked if she could stay with us for a "few weeks" including my MIL so that she can have knee surgery in the states. She wants MIL there to help take care of her. DH and I have crazy, hectic lives. He travels frequently for work. I work full time from home and have 2 kids, ages 6 and 9. When SIL and MIL visit, the kids are intense. They want to spend every second with them and sleep with them at night. My parents are already coming for a week in May. If I have to have back to back visitors for an entire month (or likely longer) when the kids are in school, I might literally lose my mind. It will be so disruptive and the kids will never go to sleep at night. I told DH this is an unreasonable request. She has money and can rent a place for a month if having the surgery in the US is that important. Having to go to sleep and wake up with people in my house everyday just takes its toll on me. We have a large house but I don't think this means I have to offer it anytime someone wants it. Am I being unreasonable? How would you handle it?

It's the end of the school year, and only a month. Sorry, yes, I do think you're unreasonable. I acknowledge it is your right to say no but I just don't think you should. You really cannot tolerate it for a MONTH???? God, people have gotten so selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL lives overseas. She is single with no kids, never been married. She is well off and has plenty of money. She asked if she could stay with us for a "few weeks" including my MIL so that she can have knee surgery in the states. She wants MIL there to help take care of her. DH and I have crazy, hectic lives. He travels frequently for work. I work full time from home and have 2 kids, ages 6 and 9. When SIL and MIL visit, the kids are intense. They want to spend every second with them and sleep with them at night. My parents are already coming for a week in May. If I have to have back to back visitors for an entire month (or likely longer) when the kids are in school, I might literally lose my mind. It will be so disruptive and the kids will never go to sleep at night. I told DH this is an unreasonable request. She has money and can rent a place for a month if having the surgery in the US is that important. Having to go to sleep and wake up with people in my house everyday just takes its toll on me. We have a large house but I don't think this means I have to offer it anytime someone wants it. Am I being unreasonable? How would you handle it?

It's the end of the school year, and only a month. Sorry, yes, I do think you're unreasonable. I acknowledge it is your right to say no but I just don't think you should. You really cannot tolerate it for a MONTH???? God, people have gotten so selfish.

When I read the OP along with OP's replies, I gather that a disproportionate share of the caregiving already falls on OP for 2 DCs, who sound as if they have some particular behavioral challenges. Adding a MIL and a SIL on the mend might upset what sounds like a very delicate balance. And we haven't even factored in her job and the demands there. Not all bosses are sympathetic when employees have family demands for an afternoon, let alone a month.

Unless the DH steps forward and shares his care plans for his SIL and MIL (there will be expectations), then OP may be making the most prudent decision given the circumstances.

On a side note, OP may want to consider speaking with a behavioral specialist about her DCs and learn if there are any techniques she can employ with her DCs to achieve some balance in their actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Knee surgery recovery is brutal. Why do they want to be in your house?!

Personally I would let them and set expectations with kids beforehand of not sleeping with them or being entertained by them. They’re old enough to understand.

She needs to go into rehab after being discharged from the hospital. This is MAJOR surgery and very painful. We ended up putting a hospital bed in our living room because DH couldn’t get up the stairs because of the intense pain. I was waiting on him hand and foot. Do not agree to this,
OP. Your MIL will not be able to handle everything herself. It will send you over the edge.

VERY difficult to get someone into rehab for this.