Unreasonable request?

[Anonymous]

But you’re OK with hosting your own side of the family?

[Anonymous]

End of the school year is rough for everyone, but state-wide testing crap always throws our house off a little. They make so much of these tests that kids are on edge. For that reason alone I would decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you’re OK with hosting your own side of the family?

A short visit versus recovering from major surgery for weeks. You can't see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you’re OK with hosting your own side of the family?

The 2 situations are not comparable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL lives overseas. She is single with no kids, never been married. She is well off and has plenty of money. She asked if she could stay with us for a "few weeks" including my MIL so that she can have knee surgery in the states. She wants MIL there to help take care of her. DH and I have crazy, hectic lives. He travels frequently for work. I work full time from home and have 2 kids, ages 6 and 9. When SIL and MIL visit, the kids are intense. They want to spend every second with them and sleep with them at night. My parents are already coming for a week in May. If I have to have back to back visitors for an entire month (or likely longer) when the kids are in school, I might literally lose my mind. It will be so disruptive and the kids will never go to sleep at night. I told DH this is an unreasonable request. She has money and can rent a place for a month if having the surgery in the US is that important. Having to go to sleep and wake up with people in my house everyday just takes its toll on me. We have a large house but I don't think this means I have to offer it anytime someone wants it. Am I being unreasonable? How would you handle it?

It is not an unreasonable request, but you can say 'no' if the arrangement does not work for you.

I would say though that big part of you 'crazy, hectic life' is likely to be your mindset. You work full time and your kids are at school from morning till afternoon. That's neither crazy nor hectic. Having family in the house is 'so disruprive' that you will 'literally lose your mind'? Let the kids spend time with the family in the evenings (might actually give you some freedom during those hours) and then say just 'no' to them sleeping with the MIL, SIL. You run the household, not the 9 and 6 year olds. No need to make a problem out of everything.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I would be fine if they were coming for a week. I could manage 2 different one week visits. We are talking multiple weeks, likely a month (maybe longer) because of surgery. The kids react very differently with MIL and SIL which is why it is so disruptive. My kids will not accept that they can't sleep with them and I'm sure that MIL would complain too. I would have a month where every single night is a struggle to get them to go to bed and they wake up super early. They won't listen to their parents and behave crazy when MIL and SIL are here. We lose all structure and routine. I also personally don't like having guests for more than a week. I would not have my own family visit for more than a week.

One of my kids is having issues at school which also makes the timing of this really bad. It has been incredibly stressful and the thought of a month of visitors gives me complete anxiety. I told SIL that June would be much better but she insists on May.

This is not the first time this has happened. They have overstayed their welcome on a number of occasions and they are aware this is an issue for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would be fine if they were coming for a week. I could manage 2 different one week visits. We are talking multiple weeks, likely a month (maybe longer) because of surgery. The kids react very differently with MIL and SIL which is why it is so disruptive. My kids will not accept that they can't sleep with them and I'm sure that MIL would complain too. I would have a month where every single night is a struggle to get them to go to bed and they wake up super early. They won't listen to their parents and behave crazy when MIL and SIL are here. We lose all structure and routine. I also personally don't like having guests for more than a week. I would not have my own family visit for more than a week.

One of my kids is having issues at school which also makes the timing of this really bad. It has been incredibly stressful and the thought of a month of visitors gives me complete anxiety. I told SIL that June would be much better but she insists on May.

This is not the first time this has happened. They have overstayed their welcome on a number of occasions and they are aware this is an issue for me.

You're perfectly within your right to say no to this request. I have a limit to how long family can stay too, and a month is out of the question for either my own family or my ILs. You have past experiences as your guide, so hold fast and have your H deliver the news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL lives overseas. She is single with no kids, never been married. She is well off and has plenty of money. She asked if she could stay with us for a "few weeks" including my MIL so that she can have knee surgery in the states. She wants MIL there to help take care of her. DH and I have crazy, hectic lives. He travels frequently for work. I work full time from home and have 2 kids, ages 6 and 9. When SIL and MIL visit, the kids are intense. They want to spend every second with them and sleep with them at night. My parents are already coming for a week in May. If I have to have back to back visitors for an entire month (or likely longer) when the kids are in school, I might literally lose my mind. It will be so disruptive and the kids will never go to sleep at night. I told DH this is an unreasonable request. She has money and can rent a place for a month if having the surgery in the US is that important. Having to go to sleep and wake up with people in my house everyday just takes its toll on me. We have a large house but I don't think this means I have to offer it anytime someone wants it. Am I being unreasonable? How would you handle it?

It is not an unreasonable request, but you can say 'no' if the arrangement does not work for you.

I would say though that big part of you 'crazy, hectic life' is likely to be your mindset. You work full time and your kids are at school from morning till afternoon. That's neither crazy nor hectic. Having family in the house is 'so disruprive' that you will 'literally lose your mind'? Let the kids spend time with the family in the evenings (might actually give you some freedom during those hours) and then say just 'no' to them sleeping with the MIL, SIL. You run the household, not the 9 and 6 year olds. No need to make a problem out of everything.

It is not a mindset. My husband travels a few days a week and my kids attend 2 different schools. I have to get 2 kids ready in the morning and drive them to two different schools. I have to pick them up in the afternoon at 2 different times while I'm trying to work. I then have to make dinner and manage bedtime by myself and then have to go back to my desk to get the work done that I wasn't doing when I was picking them up. One kid is having all sorts of behavior issues at school. I take that child to therapy appointments each week and have to deal with communications with the school every week. Sleep is critical for both my kids. It sounds easy to say "no" to sleeping together but even if that worked, they will fight bedtime every night because they are so overstimulated by visitors. MIL was just here for 5 days. Kids would not go to bed on time. Every night was 2 hours later than usual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would be fine if they were coming for a week. I could manage 2 different one week visits. We are talking multiple weeks, likely a month (maybe longer) because of surgery. The kids react very differently with MIL and SIL which is why it is so disruptive. My kids will not accept that they can't sleep with them and I'm sure that MIL would complain too. I would have a month where every single night is a struggle to get them to go to bed and they wake up super early. They won't listen to their parents and behave crazy when MIL and SIL are here. We lose all structure and routine. I also personally don't like having guests for more than a week. I would not have my own family visit for more than a week.

One of my kids is having issues at school which also makes the timing of this really bad. It has been incredibly stressful and the thought of a month of visitors gives me complete anxiety. I told SIL that June would be much better but she insists on May.

This is not the first time this has happened. They have overstayed their welcome on a number of occasions and they are aware this is an issue for me.

Most people would “complain” about that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would be fine if they were coming for a week. I could manage 2 different one week visits. We are talking multiple weeks, likely a month (maybe longer) because of surgery. The kids react very differently with MIL and SIL which is why it is so disruptive. My kids will not accept that they can't sleep with them and I'm sure that MIL would complain too. I would have a month where every single night is a struggle to get them to go to bed and they wake up super early. They won't listen to their parents and behave crazy when MIL and SIL are here. We lose all structure and routine. I also personally don't like having guests for more than a week. I would not have my own family visit for more than a week.

One of my kids is having issues at school which also makes the timing of this really bad. It has been incredibly stressful and the thought of a month of visitors gives me complete anxiety. I told SIL that June would be much better but she insists on May.

This is not the first time this has happened. They have overstayed their welcome on a number of occasions and they are aware this is an issue for me.

Whether your SIL comes or not, you need to take on this problem (which has nothing to do with SIL and MIL).

[Anonymous]

I do not in any way think her request is unreasonable, but I also think it’s ok not to host for an entire month. Maybe you can host two weeks and MIL two weeks or something like that to meet in the middle. I do think family should make some accommodation even if just a week, especially since you are also hosting your own family for the same.

[Anonymous]

Why do your kids insist on cosleeping with the guests? That’s so odd.

If it’s going to be too disruptive, tell your SIL that you aren’t able to have her. But be prepared for blowback. Does she expect you to wait on her and take her to doctors’ appointments?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is unreasonable and I would want to try and accommodate for something serious like surgery (I would hope a sibling would support me in that situation). Can you and DH and SIL and MIL all talk about logistics. I think it would be fair to ask your DH to not travel and maybe even take some days off to support. You should all be able to discuss the potential challenges (loud and clingy children, a household that also has its own stuff to accomplish). I would definitely want to set some expectations and that might make SIL reconsider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you’re OK with hosting your own side of the family?

The 2 situations are not comparable.

She could offer to host them for one week, which I now see she’s willing to do.

A month is a very long time. But it is odd that her children insist with sleeping with the guests. Now that is what I call disruptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do your kids insist on cosleeping with the guests? That’s so odd.

If it’s going to be too disruptive, tell your SIL that you aren’t able to have her. But be prepared for blowback. Does she expect you to wait on her and take her to doctors’ appointments?

Not really if they are close, my 8 year old likes to cosleep with my MIL and FIL when they visit. He's very close to them and spends a couple weeks at their house in the summer.