Unreasonable request?

[Anonymous]

OP, does your DH ever take the lead on his family? Seems like you two need to sit down, talk through the request, decide what - if anything - you two can do, and then present it to your SIL. That includes explaining that the surgery can only happen @ x time if you and DH are going to host them for any segment of time.

Some DHs off load their own family caregiving on their wives. DH and I share these responsibilities, but we have a give and take relationship so it works. But I know a number of friends' husbands where the men expect the wives to handle all aspects of his family, even when it places undue burden on the wife and is affecting her work, mental health, etc.

To other PPs, I would find it hard for someone to be in my home and not feel at least a modicum of responsibility to host them. I would probably find that tiring if my DCs were as keyed up every night in the way that OP describes her kids. My DCs were pretty cooperative at that age and they also liked their sleep, so they didn't fight too hard on bed time.

OP, GL and keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would be fine if they were coming for a week. I could manage 2 different one week visits. We are talking multiple weeks, likely a month (maybe longer) because of surgery. The kids react very differently with MIL and SIL which is why it is so disruptive. My kids will not accept that they can't sleep with them and I'm sure that MIL would complain too. I would have a month where every single night is a struggle to get them to go to bed and they wake up super early. They won't listen to their parents and behave crazy when MIL and SIL are here. We lose all structure and routine. I also personally don't like having guests for more than a week. I would not have my own family visit for more than a week.

One of my kids is having issues at school which also makes the timing of this really bad. It has been incredibly stressful and the thought of a month of visitors gives me complete anxiety. I told SIL that June would be much better but she insists on May.

This is not the first time this has happened. They have overstayed their welcome on a number of occasions and they are aware this is an issue for me.

Tell your husband the answer is no and he needs to communicate it.

I would offer a compromise of 2 weeks after school is out, but that there is no way you can have long-term houseguests while the kids are in school.

[Anonymous]

Can you say yes with the requirement that a pro come a few times a week to help SIL, and that you have frequent cleaning service and ready made meals for duration of visit? Maybe even pay babysitter to shuttle kids once or twice a week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's an unreasonable request, to be honest. I'd be happy to let my family stay with us if we had the room. I would not be 'hosting' them, as in serving them and treating them like guests, but they can stay as part of the family. They'd be welcome to join us for our usual meals and activities or do their own thing.

It's fine if you have a different reaction. However, your DH also has a lot to say about it. I would be very pissed off if my DH said no to this. I would do the same for his family.

I tend to agree with this. In addition, I'd consider rescheduling your parents' visit if having people in your house is so stressful. This seems like a more important reason to have someone there than a purely social visit.

OP here. My parents live out of state, I haven't seen them in 7 months. Their visits don't make my kids crazy. I planned their visit over a long holiday weekend so I would have time to spend with them. We have gone out of our way to host SIL and MIL for extended visits multiple times a year and I'm lucky if I see my parents twice a year. In this case, I would not reschedule. My SIL needs ACL surgery. It is as at least a 6 week recovery before she can fly. She said "weeks" but the reality is that it would turn into a minimum of 2 months. She can get the surgery where she lives but she doesn't want to have to hire someone to take care of her afterwards.

This is crazy. SIL needs to stay in her own home and have MIL stay with her and take care of her. Or SIL can go to MIL’s house and have the surgery. It’s crazy that they are using your home for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If SIL could have her surgery in the summer when the kids are not in school, could you handle that?

Why should she have to? Say no.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call this an unreasonable request, but I don't think it's unreasonable to decline. So many people feel like they have to judge something as negative to justify their decision. You don't.

[Anonymous]

PP here to say that you're adding drama by comparing her to your parents. If you're not comfortable, don't try to blame it on her. Riling up the kids probably means they're excited to see her. It doesn't have to be negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's an unreasonable request, to be honest. I'd be happy to let my family stay with us if we had the room. I would not be 'hosting' them, as in serving them and treating them like guests, but they can stay as part of the family. They'd be welcome to join us for our usual meals and activities or do their own thing.

It's fine if you have a different reaction. However, your DH also has a lot to say about it. I would be very pissed off if my DH said no to this. I would do the same for his family.

I tend to agree with this. In addition, I'd consider rescheduling your parents' visit if having people in your house is so stressful. This seems like a more important reason to have someone there than a purely social visit.

OP here. My parents live out of state, I haven't seen them in 7 months. Their visits don't make my kids crazy. I planned their visit over a long holiday weekend so I would have time to spend with them. We have gone out of our way to host SIL and MIL for extended visits multiple times a year and I'm lucky if I see my parents twice a year. In this case, I would not reschedule. My SIL needs ACL surgery. It is as at least a 6 week recovery before she can fly. She said "weeks" but the reality is that it would turn into a minimum of 2 months. She can get the surgery where she lives but she doesn't want to have to hire someone to take care of her afterwards.

Do you have 2 guest rooms for them? How many extra bathrooms? Stairs to the bedroom/bath the SIL will be using? If MIL is coming to care for her why she care for her wherever the SIL lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one month long day is unreasonable, but you’re also being unreasonable if one week for your own family is okay but not one week for your husband‘s family.

Horse hockey. Fair is a place with rides. You don't have to do the same thing for different people. Inviting one family does not mean you have to do the same for other families.

Totally disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do your kids insist on cosleeping with the guests? That’s so odd.

If it’s going to be too disruptive, tell your SIL that you aren’t able to have her. But be prepared for blowback. Does she expect you to wait on her and take her to doctors’ appointments?

Not really if they are close, my 8 year old likes to cosleep with my MIL and FIL when they visit. He's very close to them and spends a couple weeks at their house in the summer.

Not PP but disagree. I was close with relatives as a kid but it would have never been acceptable to ask to sleep with them. It didn’t diminish our relationship at all and I just don’t think this type of scenario is very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would be fine if they were coming for a week. I could manage 2 different one week visits. We are talking multiple weeks, likely a month (maybe longer) because of surgery. The kids react very differently with MIL and SIL which is why it is so disruptive. My kids will not accept that they can't sleep with them and I'm sure that MIL would complain too. I would have a month where every single night is a struggle to get them to go to bed and they wake up super early. They won't listen to their parents and behave crazy when MIL and SIL are here. We lose all structure and routine. I also personally don't like having guests for more than a week. I would not have my own family visit for more than a week.

One of my kids is having issues at school which also makes the timing of this really bad. It has been incredibly stressful and the thought of a month of visitors gives me complete anxiety. I told SIL that June would be much better but she insists on May.

This is not the first time this has happened. They have overstayed their welcome on a number of occasions and they are aware this is an issue for me.

Tell your husband the answer is no and he needs to communicate it.

I would offer a compromise of 2 weeks after school is out, but that there is no way you can have long-term houseguests while the kids are in school.

Always lead with the compromise if you are offering one. Saying no can put someone in an offense oriented mindset, and it’s generally smoother to say “I think one month is too long, but I would agree to a week” if that’s what you are willing to do.

[Anonymous]

I would not be comfortable with this either, OP. That said, it seems like your kids run your show? Several times you've mentioned losing control of your kids in this situation. How will the kids "not accept" not being able to sleep with guests? "No, you can't sleep with them, and that's the end of it." If your kids are so unruly/disrespectful it impacts adult plans...look to solve this separate from overly-long family stays. Your kids are old enough to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Knee surgery recovery is brutal. Why do they want to be in your house?!

Personally I would let them and set expectations with kids beforehand of not sleeping with them or being entertained by them. They’re old enough to understand.

She needs to go into rehab after being discharged from the hospital. This is MAJOR surgery and very painful. We ended up putting a hospital bed in our living room because DH couldn’t get up the stairs because of the intense pain. I was waiting on him hand and foot. Do not agree to this,
OP. Your MIL will not be able to handle everything herself. It will send you over the edge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would be fine if they were coming for a week. I could manage 2 different one week visits. We are talking multiple weeks, likely a month (maybe longer) because of surgery. The kids react very differently with MIL and SIL which is why it is so disruptive. My kids will not accept that they can't sleep with them and I'm sure that MIL would complain too. I would have a month where every single night is a struggle to get them to go to bed and they wake up super early. They won't listen to their parents and behave crazy when MIL and SIL are here. We lose all structure and routine. I also personally don't like having guests for more than a week. I would not have my own family visit for more than a week.

One of my kids is having issues at school which also makes the timing of this really bad. It has been incredibly stressful and the thought of a month of visitors gives me complete anxiety. I told SIL that June would be much better but she insists on May.

This is not the first time this has happened. They have overstayed their welcome on a number of occasions and they are aware this is an issue for me.

Tell your husband the answer is no and he needs to communicate it.

I would offer a compromise of 2 weeks after school is out, but that there is no way you can have long-term houseguests while the kids are in school.

Always lead with the compromise if you are offering one. Saying no can put someone in an offense oriented mindset, and it’s generally smoother to say “I think one month is too long, but I would agree to a week” if that’s what you are willing to do.

This is not a regular visit, people. This is post-KNEE REPLACEMENT surgery. She will need help getting in and out of bed, to the bathroom, bathing, to medical
appointments, filling prescriptions, meals, etc. I cared for a family member and had to do dressing changes. Strongly recommend SIL goes to a rehab hospital after surgery and then she and MIL stay somewhere where they can get food and supplies delivered that is not your house.

[Anonymous]

You can say no. Of course you can say no. She asked. You say no. They stay in an extended-stay hotel.