How do "cool kids" become "cool"?

[Anonymous]

It’s hard for girls to connect at rec level activities or a weekly dance class OP. If they are already in school together and have a connection already, that extra time can be bonding. But it’s not a lot of time for girls who don’t know each other already to get to know each other and form a friend group. An exception would be a longer program, like a year round dance program that meets multiple times a week with a lot of down time in between for girls to chat and socialize - that’s what my daughter experiences and over time, she has connected with those girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a heavy race/class component to this in our ES right now. Most of the kids don't seem that concerned yet or overly cliquish, but there is one group of girls that is playing with ranking/excluding others, defining themselves as a group and calling themselves "popular." I harbor no ill will-- they're just kids. But it's certainly notable that they are all of a certain class and virtually all of a certain race. I don't think this is even typical at our school, but it seems to have taken root in one year's cohort.

To answer the question about my school when I was that age, I think it was 1) preternatural social awareness (used for both good and ill), 2) genuine confidence, and 3) looks as a distant, but still significant, third. I remember there being 4 girls that were the solidly popular girls in the class (with 2-3 more on the periphery), and 3 of the 4 were quite pretty, but the ~Queen Bee just wasn't, really. Athletics didn't come into it at all, as I recall. There wasn't much correlation with stage of puberty, either.

As for the group at my kid's school, at least in her grade, I genuinely see no other connection, no other shared attributes or distinctions but race and class. I also don't know to what extent other kids actually consider them popular, though. I think their behavior/self-definition has had some influence, maybe slightly raised their social status on average, but the whole thing is probably ignored completely by half or more of the other kids.

That's 100% on their moms.

Or their parents. Maybe so. But I could see "popularity" being the idea of one or two kids influenced by older siblings, books or TV shows. The fact they've self-segregated surely has been influenced by their parents, though. Most likely not consciously, but predictably.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the thread. But I'll offer my opinion.

There are these groups that form from parents that kind of partly engineer that type of thing. But I steer clear of that whole thing - I am nice to them, but am perfectly happy to be outside that group. Because those little groups have sooooooo much drama. It's inevitable. The kids kind of learn it from the parents, who strategize on who is cool, are secretly competitive, actively try to form cliques, and talk about who is cool enough, and then try to become friends with the other cool kids, etc. It's kind of gross, but I know that's me being judge-y.

In life, I generally avoid those big groups of cool people. I'm on the fringe of a few cool groups, but usually I am just close to just one or two from the group. I would like the same for our children. I don't want them in a big group of cliquey cool kid groups. That sounds like a nightmare. And it sounds like it's just asking for trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They tend to be good looking and have money. They often have deeper roots in the community. Being outgoing helps as well -- introverts by their nature are less likely to be "cool."

This. Their parents also tend to do a lot of social engineering and socializing with the other parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you remember when you were in school? It's not a public vs. private school thing, there were cool kids and regular kids (even back in the OLD days!).

As to what makes cool kids cool might depend on what the school culture is like but in general these kids have charisma and confidence.

+1 And I generally think it's something they are born with.

No, I know kids with those qualities who simply get on the outside of the alpha crowd. The form their own friends, but there is always that group the believes themselves to be the cool kids, not everyone agrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They tend to be good looking and have money. They often have deeper roots in the community. Being outgoing helps as well -- introverts by their nature are less likely to be "cool."

This. Their parents also tend to do a lot of social engineering and socializing with the other parents.

THIS. Find the cool and very involved/socially active parents and you will find the cool kids.

[Anonymous]

This topic is culturally relative as who gets labeled cool or popular in a given public city school vs. suburbs vs. small town vs. rural is undeniably variable based on the value systems of that culture and the visibility of the larger social dynamics (community status of family, wealth of family, community involvement of family, etc.). Add private school into that mix and it's another level of contributing social factors. Add boarding school....
The social structure of OP's query was not explicit in that regard. It can be rather painful to be on the fringe if you want to be in the thick of it, but as many parents have shared, if a kid is not invested in that, they can be genuinely cool and even popular regardless of their objective or subjective-perceived social standing.

There is research on this topic, but do know that there is less research in higher SES communities. If you areANy reading research on this topic, do look at sample population/research methods.

Socially, this cool kids grouping starts young. Sadlly, kids are noticing the "differences" at younger ages.
Extraversion/extroversion absolutely contributes. I have worked with many wonderful, charming children who checked all the boxes for being "cool" but were introverted in social settings.

Early childhood contributing factors: Attractive, tall, confident, funny, charismatic, neuro-typical kids get social feedback in the form of positive attention from others starting by at least age two. When their tiny peers start to notice and participate in this dynamic is when parallel play transitions to cooperative play. Remember that? The more socially aware kids seek out the other social/cool kids. I have observed it many times. Like attracts like. Anyone ever been told their child is a "sought after playmate"? To various others' points in previous comments, there is usually a social maturity in these kids via having older siblings or cool parents. (another thread?)

The early childhood piece is partly out of the control of parents, but likely a combination of genetics and environment. Like everything else.
Kids may be relatively unaware that this attention is happening and may not consciously notice until they are older. By then, they are accustomed to and bolstered by the years of positive attention.
Boom! Popular/cool kids.
This easy early popularity can easily get derailed by trauma, beauty that is only skin-deep, emerging mental health issues or learning challenges.
My personal experience....looking back, I knew I was "popular/cool" but was unaware of outside perception....in part, because it had always been this way.
The book "Class Matters" might be relevant here.

Much more to say but trying to keep it to early childhood.

Love to hear so many parents opining that their kids are popular because they are friendly and kind. These are enduring qualities that make for a better world in my personal opinion.

[Anonymous]

I have one very popular kid. I don’t know if he is cool but he is smart, confident and athletic. He has a lot of friends.

I have one shy kid who is smart and athletic. He has one friend who is very good looking and seems to be popular with the girls.

Both kids aren’t “cool”. I’m not sure if they are the “cool” crowd or if that even exists in elementary.

[Anonymous]

Usually a combination of good looks, confidence, money and in the case of girls only, often moms who have lots of free time on their hands to socially engineer these situations. I've noticed a lot of moms at my daughters old elementary school were the type who were probably not very popular growing up - i.e. chubby, awkward, not very attractive - seemed to try the hardest to get their daughters to have playdates with girls who they perceived be popular or dress well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son plays all the rec league sports all year long plus one travel sport, which works for him and for me because I'm an introvert and I work a lot.

Will this approach work for my younger daughter? Say she does ballet and gymnastics plus we put her in team sports throughout the year? Is that enough for girls to form a social group? I literally hate organizing playdates and my limited time off. We usually spend our weekends at our older kid's sports games, or skiing or hiking.

Yes. Do this. I’m a huge introvert and signed DD up for those types of things from the beginning of K, starting with rec soccer. Luckily she ended up loving sports and plays different rec things year round. She also tried several dance classes over the year. My daughter is super extroverted and has a huge group of friends. She’s now in 5th and I have no idea if she’s “cool” or not, but she’s constantly on FaceTime these days chatting with different kids from school. They love the group calls. I truly don’t care if she’s popular but care very much that she’s happy and has friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have cool parents.

-former cool kid, now parent to cool kid

(Hint: most of the draw comes from TRULY not caring about people’s impression of you.)

Or PRETENDING not to care, more accurately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This topic is culturally relative as who gets labeled cool or popular in a given public city school vs. suburbs vs. small town vs. rural is undeniably variable based on the value systems of that culture and the visibility of the larger social dynamics (community status of family, wealth of family, community involvement of family, etc.). Add private school into that mix and it's another level of contributing social factors. Add boarding school....
The social structure of OP's query was not explicit in that regard. It can be rather painful to be on the fringe if you want to be in the thick of it, but as many parents have shared, if a kid is not invested in that, they can be genuinely cool and even popular regardless of their objective or subjective-perceived social standing.

There is research on this topic, but do know that there is less research in higher SES communities. If you areANy reading research on this topic, do look at sample population/research methods.

Socially, this cool kids grouping starts young. Sadlly, kids are noticing the "differences" at younger ages.
Extraversion/extroversion absolutely contributes. I have worked with many wonderful, charming children who checked all the boxes for being "cool" but were introverted in social settings.

Early childhood contributing factors: Attractive, tall, confident, funny, charismatic, neuro-typical kids get social feedback in the form of positive attention from others starting by at least age two. When their tiny peers start to notice and participate in this dynamic is when parallel play transitions to cooperative play. Remember that? The more socially aware kids seek out the other social/cool kids. I have observed it many times. Like attracts like. Anyone ever been told their child is a "sought after playmate"? To various others' points in previous comments, there is usually a social maturity in these kids via having older siblings or cool parents. (another thread?)

The early childhood piece is partly out of the control of parents, but likely a combination of genetics and environment. Like everything else.
Kids may be relatively unaware that this attention is happening and may not consciously notice until they are older. By then, they are accustomed to and bolstered by the years of positive attention.
Boom! Popular/cool kids.
This easy early popularity can easily get derailed by trauma, beauty that is only skin-deep, emerging mental health issues or learning challenges.
My personal experience....looking back, I knew I was "popular/cool" but was unaware of outside perception....in part, because it had always been this way.
The book "Class Matters" might be relevant here.

Much more to say but trying to keep it to early childhood.

Love to hear so many parents opining that their kids are popular because they are friendly and kind. These are enduring qualities that make for a better world in my personal opinion.

This is such a great summary. Lots of good insights. I do think early popularity can get derailed, and popularity in middle school can be associated with risk-taking behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have cool parents.

-former cool kid, now parent to cool kid

(Hint: most of the draw comes from TRULY not caring about people’s impression of you.)

Or PRETENDING not to care, more accurately

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This topic is culturally relative as who gets labeled cool or popular in a given public city school vs. suburbs vs. small town vs. rural is undeniably variable based on the value systems of that culture and the visibility of the larger social dynamics (community status of family, wealth of family, community involvement of family, etc.). Add private school into that mix and it's another level of contributing social factors. Add boarding school....
The social structure of OP's query was not explicit in that regard. It can be rather painful to be on the fringe if you want to be in the thick of it, but as many parents have shared, if a kid is not invested in that, they can be genuinely cool and even popular regardless of their objective or subjective-perceived social standing.

There is research on this topic, but do know that there is less research in higher SES communities. If you areANy reading research on this topic, do look at sample population/research methods.

Socially, this cool kids grouping starts young. Sadlly, kids are noticing the "differences" at younger ages.
Extraversion/extroversion absolutely contributes. I have worked with many wonderful, charming children who checked all the boxes for being "cool" but were introverted in social settings.

Early childhood contributing factors: Attractive, tall, confident, funny, charismatic, neuro-typical kids get social feedback in the form of positive attention from others starting by at least age two. When their tiny peers start to notice and participate in this dynamic is when parallel play transitions to cooperative play. Remember that? The more socially aware kids seek out the other social/cool kids. I have observed it many times. Like attracts like. Anyone ever been told their child is a "sought after playmate"? To various others' points in previous comments, there is usually a social maturity in these kids via having older siblings or cool parents. (another thread?)

The early childhood piece is partly out of the control of parents, but likely a combination of genetics and environment. Like everything else.
Kids may be relatively unaware that this attention is happening and may not consciously notice until they are older. By then, they are accustomed to and bolstered by the years of positive attention.
Boom! Popular/cool kids.
This easy early popularity can easily get derailed by trauma, beauty that is only skin-deep, emerging mental health issues or learning challenges.
My personal experience....looking back, I knew I was "popular/cool" but was unaware of outside perception....in part, because it had always been this way.
The book "Class Matters" might be relevant here.

Much more to say but trying to keep it to early childhood.

Love to hear so many parents opining that their kids are popular because they are friendly and kind. These are enduring qualities that make for a better world in my personal opinion.

This is such a great summary. Lots of good insights. I do think early popularity can get derailed, and popularity in middle school can be associated with risk-taking behavior.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one very popular kid. I don’t know if he is cool but he is smart, confident and athletic. He has a lot of friends.

I have one shy kid who is smart and athletic. He has one friend who is very good looking and seems to be popular with the girls.

Both kids aren’t “cool”. I’m not sure if they are the “cool” crowd or if that even exists in elementary.

What’s the difference between cool and popular?