WFH Frustrations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make daycare arrangements.

Lol she’s SIX

So. What do you think parents do who work as a cashier or a nurse or uber or whatever. They don’t just leave their 6 yr old home alone. There are plenty of at home providers who would take your child. Find one and use them.

But OP and her husband are not nurses or cashiers. They both work at home. Why is your suggestion a better solution than OP simply talking to her HUSBAND -- who is supposed to be her PARTNER -- and taking a few steps to make this work better?

OP -- my DH and I both WFH and like you, earn similar and have jobs that are comparable in terms of intensity, flexibility, etc. We also have one lower ES student (she's 8). For whatever reason, trying to juggle work and even just some minimal engagement with her on the random days off that are creeping up right now is very stressful for my DH, and he's just not good at it (he gets wrapped up in what he's doing and forgets to come up and make her lunch, e.g.). It's still a PITA for me, but it stresses me out less and I handle it better. So rather than try and divide this particular task equally or even really at all, I'm the one who does it -- and DH just works away as usual in his home office.

BUT -- huge "but" here -- because he's not a selfish jerk baby, he makes it up to me. Once we "clock out", he's the one who is on for the evening, handling dinner and bedtime while I catch up a bit at work. He will also then take DD out for a weekend activity while I relax and further catch up at work, for example.

Every task does not need to be divided evenly -- play to your strengths -- but there should be a fair arrangement overall. You should absolutely talk to your HUSBAND, and work something out.

Still doesn’t seem fair to you, unless these weekend outings allow you a lot of leisure time. Otherwise it sounds like you’re in front of your computer 24/7 either half-working or catching up on work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have had terrible winter weather + Covid issues at school lately. So school has been very intermittent lately. DH and I both work full time. He’s full time WFH, I’m in the office most days. We have one DD, 6. DH just cannot handle WFH with her there. So that means I usually also WFH when DD has to be home. Not huge deal, I can WFH, flexible company, no issues there.

The problem is DH. He just cannot adapt his schedule at all to stagger having DD home or come do anything with her at all during the day. She’s pretty self sufficient for 6, but there’s lots of “I’m borrrrred” When I WFH when she’s home, I get up early to get a jump start on what I know is going to be a hectic day. Usually working by 6am, she gets up around 7:30. Today DH slept in till 8:30 and has just generally been pissy about her presence. I had one call (out of many!!) today where I just absolutely could not be bothered during and he refused to leave his office and hang with her while I locked myself in our bedroom to take the call. I don’t have a private space to work in the house since I’m mostly in the office.

I’m just so mad and annoyed today. He keeps saying “I don’t have time for this today” Well guess what, I don’t either but I’m making her lunch and helping with a toy while on a conference call, so I don’t know, deal with it?? FWIW we are equal breadwinners, but mine is a leadership role (I manage most aspects of our business while still being a project manager). I’m on the phone constantly, while he’s on the phone a couple hours a day. It seems so blatant that he’s not pulling his weight.

Hopefully come spring and less crap weather and Covid, this won’t be a thing, but would you say something?? I’ve made some comments but not directly addressed it. And god willing, he will go back to the office part time in March

I would have had this convert long ago. What a selfish, self-centered jerk! I doubt that he will change so you may need to find emergency on-call child care no matter the cost. Again, he is a jackass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t stay home every time your daughter is there. Stay home half the time and let him deal with it. They will be fine!

I don’t always stay home, but he literally will give her the iPad at 8am and forget to feed her lunch and she’s still on the iPad when I come home. And extended iPad time makes her act like a psycho.

Whyyyy are so many men like this?is there some gene that makes them immune to feeling guilty about screen time ?

Screen time isn't cyanide you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t stay home every time your daughter is there. Stay home half the time and let him deal with it. They will be fine!

I don’t always stay home, but he literally will give her the iPad at 8am and forget to feed her lunch and she’s still on the iPad when I come home. And extended iPad time makes her act like a psycho.

Whyyyy are so many men like this?is there some gene that makes them immune to feeling guilty about screen time ?

Screen time isn't cyanide you know.

… oh! Here’s one of those lazy fathers now.

[Anonymous]

I can't get over the fact that he wakes up an hour after his child. I let my ADD, intense job DH get away with a lot but no way in hell is he allowed to sleep while I'm up early dealing with morning routine. He needs to get his ass out of bed at 7 (which is pretty late IMO) and get a move on.

[Anonymous]

What is the usual division of childcare responsibilities during the week? If the division is anything like the one I have with DH, I can appreciate where he’s coming from. My DH works in the office most days while I WFH (our younger child is on an aftercare waitlist but until she gets a spot someone needs to be here when she gets home from school). My DH packs their lunches before he leaves at 8am, but then I’m the one shepherding them through the rest of it until the last one leaves the house at 8:45, so I’m not able to start working until almost 9am. The first one arrives home around 2:45 most days, so I have less than six solid work hours because the distractions and disruptions start. I keep working until about 6 pm (but those last few hours are pretty inefficient) at which point I stop working to make dinner, help with homework, etc. DH usually gets home around 7 pm, having been able to focus exclusively on work for the better part of 10 hours.

The consequence is that I am barely staying on top of work, meeting deadlines, etc., so one day with the kids unexpectedly home is enough to send everything into chaos for me. DH, on the other hand, is essentially back to his pre-pandemic work schedule and isn’t facing the same day-to-day challenges I am. Therefore, he is in a much better position than I am to absorb the occasional unexpected day of disruption. Since I am the one managing this aspect of the day-to-day pandemic-related disruption, I have zero qualms about telling DH he’s the one who had to step up and figure it out on a snow day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have had terrible winter weather + Covid issues at school lately. So school has been very intermittent lately. DH and I both work full time. He’s full time WFH, I’m in the office most days. We have one DD, 6. DH just cannot handle WFH with her there. So that means I usually also WFH when DD has to be home. Not huge deal, I can WFH, flexible company, no issues there.

The problem is DH. He just cannot adapt his schedule at all to stagger having DD home or come do anything with her at all during the day. She’s pretty self sufficient for 6, but there’s lots of “I’m borrrrred” When I WFH when she’s home, I get up early to get a jump start on what I know is going to be a hectic day. Usually working by 6am, she gets up around 7:30. Today DH slept in till 8:30 and has just generally been pissy about her presence. I had one call (out of many!!) today where I just absolutely could not be bothered during and he refused to leave his office and hang with her while I locked myself in our bedroom to take the call. I don’t have a private space to work in the house since I’m mostly in the office.

I’m just so mad and annoyed today. He keeps saying “I don’t have time for this today” Well guess what, I don’t either but I’m making her lunch and helping with a toy while on a conference call, so I don’t know, deal with it?? FWIW we are equal breadwinners, but mine is a leadership role (I manage most aspects of our business while still being a project manager). I’m on the phone constantly, while he’s on the phone a couple hours a day. It seems so blatant that he’s not pulling his weight.

Hopefully come spring and less crap weather and Covid, this won’t be a thing, but would you say something?? I’ve made some comments but not directly addressed it. And god willing, he will go back to the office part time in March

You need a nanny because your husband is now treating you like one. He sees your role as the careprovider AND the career professional. You can only do one of these jobs well.

If you can afford a sitter for days when your daughter is home, it's time to hire one. Otherwise, you may need to spend a lot of therapy time explaining to your husband that you both are the parents and should be providing care.

[Anonymous]

Head's up: You are staying home on the days your child is home because you don't trust him to take care of her the way you want her taken care of.

You created a self fulfilling prophecy here.

Go to work and let them both figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t stay home every time your daughter is there. Stay home half the time and let him deal with it. They will be fine!

I don’t always stay home, but he literally will give her the iPad at 8am and forget to feed her lunch and she’s still on the iPad when I come home. And extended iPad time makes her act like a psycho.

Whyyyy are so many men like this?is there some gene that makes them immune to feeling guilty about screen time ?

Screen time isn't cyanide you know.

… oh! Here’s one of those lazy fathers now.

Nope just a mom with a firm grasp on reality and the understanding that parenting is a marathon not a sprint and you aren’t going to “ruin” your child with a little educational cartoons on the iPad a few times a week, yes even hours of it! But I will add that the OPs husband is a lazy dude and I’d probably leave him if he didn’t want to care for our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the usual division of childcare responsibilities during the week? If the division is anything like the one I have with DH, I can appreciate where he’s coming from. My DH works in the office most days while I WFH (our younger child is on an aftercare waitlist but until she gets a spot someone needs to be here when she gets home from school). My DH packs their lunches before he leaves at 8am, but then I’m the one shepherding them through the rest of it until the last one leaves the house at 8:45, so I’m not able to start working until almost 9am. The first one arrives home around 2:45 most days, so I have less than six solid work hours because the distractions and disruptions start. I keep working until about 6 pm (but those last few hours are pretty inefficient) at which point I stop working to make dinner, help with homework, etc. DH usually gets home around 7 pm, having been able to focus exclusively on work for the better part of 10 hours.

The consequence is that I am barely staying on top of work, meeting deadlines, etc., so one day with the kids unexpectedly home is enough to send everything into chaos for me. DH, on the other hand, is essentially back to his pre-pandemic work schedule and isn’t facing the same day-to-day challenges I am. Therefore, he is in a much better position than I am to absorb the occasional unexpected day of disruption. Since I am the one managing this aspect of the day-to-day pandemic-related disruption, I have zero qualms about telling DH he’s the one who had to step up and figure it out on a snow day.

DP. I would be curious to hear OP’s response to this, because it is my experience too as the WFH parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the usual division of childcare responsibilities during the week? If the division is anything like the one I have with DH, I can appreciate where he’s coming from. My DH works in the office most days while I WFH (our younger child is on an aftercare waitlist but until she gets a spot someone needs to be here when she gets home from school). My DH packs their lunches before he leaves at 8am, but then I’m the one shepherding them through the rest of it until the last one leaves the house at 8:45, so I’m not able to start working until almost 9am. The first one arrives home around 2:45 most days, so I have less than six solid work hours because the distractions and disruptions start. I keep working until about 6 pm (but those last few hours are pretty inefficient) at which point I stop working to make dinner, help with homework, etc. DH usually gets home around 7 pm, having been able to focus exclusively on work for the better part of 10 hours.

The consequence is that I am barely staying on top of work, meeting deadlines, etc., so one day with the kids unexpectedly home is enough to send everything into chaos for me. DH, on the other hand, is essentially back to his pre-pandemic work schedule and isn’t facing the same day-to-day challenges I am. Therefore, he is in a much better position than I am to absorb the occasional unexpected day of disruption. Since I am the one managing this aspect of the day-to-day pandemic-related disruption, I have zero qualms about telling DH he’s the one who had to step up and figure it out on a snow day.

DP. I would be curious to hear OP’s response to this, because it is my experience too as the WFH parent.

OP here. I help move her along to get her ready in the morning before I leave by 6:45/7am, pack anything she needs for school, etc. DH takes her to the bus (a few houses down) at 7:30am. He wakes up at 7am, I wake up at 5:30am. She is in aftercare till 4:30/5pm everyday (I pick her up). DH gets focused work time from 7:30-5:30/6 everyday. That's more than I get. I'm in the office from 7:15/7:30-4/4:30. I take DD to all of her activities (2 nights a week) and do all of the cooking. He is by himself 2 nights a week to do whatever he pleases - work or leisure.

Trust me, he's getting plenty of focus time to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make daycare arrangements.

Lol she’s SIX

So. What do you think parents do who work as a cashier or a nurse or uber or whatever. They don’t just leave their 6 yr old home alone. There are plenty of at home providers who would take your child. Find one and use them.

But OP and her husband are not nurses or cashiers. They both work at home. Why is your suggestion a better solution than OP simply talking to her HUSBAND -- who is supposed to be her PARTNER -- and taking a few steps to make this work better?

OP -- my DH and I both WFH and like you, earn similar and have jobs that are comparable in terms of intensity, flexibility, etc. We also have one lower ES student (she's 8). For whatever reason, trying to juggle work and even just some minimal engagement with her on the random days off that are creeping up right now is very stressful for my DH, and he's just not good at it (he gets wrapped up in what he's doing and forgets to come up and make her lunch, e.g.). It's still a PITA for me, but it stresses me out less and I handle it better. So rather than try and divide this particular task equally or even really at all, I'm the one who does it -- and DH just works away as usual in his home office.

BUT -- huge "but" here -- because he's not a selfish jerk baby, he makes it up to me. Once we "clock out", he's the one who is on for the evening, handling dinner and bedtime while I catch up a bit at work. He will also then take DD out for a weekend activity while I relax and further catch up at work, for example.

Every task does not need to be divided evenly -- play to your strengths -- but there should be a fair arrangement overall. You should absolutely talk to your HUSBAND, and work something out.

Still doesn’t seem fair to you, unless these weekend outings allow you a lot of leisure time. Otherwise it sounds like you’re in front of your computer 24/7 either half-working or catching up on work

No there is no 24/7 anything because we're talking about only random occasional days at this point -- like a snow day or a day she has a cough so we keep her home. It's not 2020 anymore where this is a long-term arrangement or anything even close. What makes sense in my house is to pick our battles, but DH gives me the extra hour or so I need to catch up (she's 8 so not that distracting while I work) plus a few hours to myself to relax. Point is we DISCUSSED it and no one is resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Head's up: You are staying home on the days your child is home because you don't trust him to take care of her the way you want her taken care of.

You created a self fulfilling prophecy here.

Go to work and let them both figure it out.

I disagree because I think if the DH's approach was not resulting in negative repercussions for OP, she would be fine with it.

He's being a spoiled brat and reaching for the one thing that allow him to ignore his child for the entire time he's with her (screens). I'm not anti-screen at all but if my kid spent the whole morning or the whole day watching TV, she'd be a mess by the end of the day. Just cranky and hungry and antsy. And she'd sleep like crap. Plus she'd also wind up demanding TV all the time after that because screens are, in fact, addictive and once she got a taste of unlimited access to one for hours at a time, that's all she'd want to do.

It would be one thing if OP was mad that her DH wasn't feeding their kid perfectly balanced meals, or was doing iPad time during his work calls (which is totally understandable -- we all do that!), or the house was getting messy or whatever. You need to allow room for your co-parent to be human, and no one is going to parent perfectly under these circumstances. OP isn't parenting perfectly! But she's not parenting in a way that makes their kid a total wreck that her DH will then have to deal with. Because that would be unfair to the kid and unfair to her DH.

Plus he's complaining about it. He's acting like this is just a burden to him and not to OP. He's not "figuring it out" -- he's likely doing the worst possible job he can on purpose so that OP will stay home and do it instead, since apparently she's the only parent here who feels obligated to actually do right by their kid instead of looking for the easiest possible out.

I agree with others that they need to hire outside childcare help unless or until the DH stops acting like an entitled child and steps up. Their child shouldn't have to suffer just because he is mad about the realities of parenting in 2022. And neither should OP. He needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Where are you posting from Op? Obviously not locally bc we haven't had a lot of inclement closures since beginning of Jan., but even NE has already pivoted and dug out from the blizzard last week.

Did you abd dh not have a discussion about this scenario?

After online schooling is done for the day, can you see if a friend could invite her over for a playdate? or vice versa? I know if one of dd's friend's mom reached out to me with this type of situation I'd be happy to help...especially since it would be a win-win for me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the usual division of childcare responsibilities during the week? If the division is anything like the one I have with DH, I can appreciate where he’s coming from. My DH works in the office most days while I WFH (our younger child is on an aftercare waitlist but until she gets a spot someone needs to be here when she gets home from school). My DH packs their lunches before he leaves at 8am, but then I’m the one shepherding them through the rest of it until the last one leaves the house at 8:45, so I’m not able to start working until almost 9am. The first one arrives home around 2:45 most days, so I have less than six solid work hours because the distractions and disruptions start. I keep working until about 6 pm (but those last few hours are pretty inefficient) at which point I stop working to make dinner, help with homework, etc. DH usually gets home around 7 pm, having been able to focus exclusively on work for the better part of 10 hours.

The consequence is that I am barely staying on top of work, meeting deadlines, etc., so one day with the kids unexpectedly home is enough to send everything into chaos for me. DH, on the other hand, is essentially back to his pre-pandemic work schedule and isn’t facing the same day-to-day challenges I am. Therefore, he is in a much better position than I am to absorb the occasional unexpected day of disruption. Since I am the one managing this aspect of the day-to-day pandemic-related disruption, I have zero qualms about telling DH he’s the one who had to step up and figure it out on a snow day.

DP. I would be curious to hear OP’s response to this, because it is my experience too as the WFH parent.

OP here. I help move her along to get her ready in the morning before I leave by 6:45/7am, pack anything she needs for school, etc. DH takes her to the bus (a few houses down) at 7:30am. He wakes up at 7am, I wake up at 5:30am. She is in aftercare till 4:30/5pm everyday (I pick her up). DH gets focused work time from 7:30-5:30/6 everyday. That's more than I get. I'm in the office from 7:15/7:30-4/4:30. I take DD to all of her activities (2 nights a week) and do all of the cooking. He is by himself 2 nights a week to do whatever he pleases - work or leisure.

Trust me, he's getting plenty of focus time to work.

It sounds like things are pretty unequal under normal circumstances. Is he this inflexible and unwilling to compromise about everything? I mean, have you asked him to cook on the evenings you’re doing the activity shuttling? Or to take a break/knock off early and throw dinner on the oven once in a while?

I’m just getting the impression there’s an underlying issue here that has come to a head on snow days. But you shouldn’t be shouldering cooking every night if he’s home before you. Or sleeping until 7 and letting you handle everything single-handedly. How much did you push back on the typical arrangements, and with what results? When trying to make family decisions like holiday plans, how much can he compromise?