WFH Frustrations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have had terrible winter weather + Covid issues at school lately. So school has been very intermittent lately. DH and I both work full time. He’s full time WFH, I’m in the office most days. We have one DD, 6. DH just cannot handle WFH with her there. So that means I usually also WFH when DD has to be home. Not huge deal, I can WFH, flexible company, no issues there.

The problem is DH. He just cannot adapt his schedule at all to stagger having DD home or come do anything with her at all during the day. She’s pretty self sufficient for 6, but there’s lots of “I’m borrrrred” When I WFH when she’s home, I get up early to get a jump start on what I know is going to be a hectic day. Usually working by 6am, she gets up around 7:30. Today DH slept in till 8:30 and has just generally been pissy about her presence. I had one call (out of many!!) today where I just absolutely could not be bothered during and he refused to leave his office and hang with her while I locked myself in our bedroom to take the call. I don’t have a private space to work in the house since I’m mostly in the office.

I’m just so mad and annoyed today. He keeps saying “I don’t have time for this today” Well guess what, I don’t either but I’m making her lunch and helping with a toy while on a conference call, so I don’t know, deal with it?? FWIW we are equal breadwinners, but mine is a leadership role (I manage most aspects of our business while still being a project manager). I’m on the phone constantly, while he’s on the phone a couple hours a day. It seems so blatant that he’s not pulling his weight.

Hopefully come spring and less crap weather and Covid, this won’t be a thing, but would you say something?? I’ve made some comments but not directly addressed it. And god willing, he will go back to the office part time in March

Whyy the was your daughter not able to entertain herself during that one call? If your child needs constant attention/supervision, you need a back-up childcare plan for school closures because if neither of you has the flexibility to take off completely those days.

She can and does. This call was just next level important where I could not be interrupted at all, so I asked him to hang out with her just for that call as a backup that she couldn’t bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make daycare arrangements.

Lol she’s SIX

Doesn’t her school have childcare? Most do for before/after/summer and random days off.

Not when they close for Covid Or inclement weather. They do for a scheduled day off, which none of these were

That’s not true. You should look into it. Many had care centers through BarT or whatever for most of the pandemic closures. Some parents still work and need full time care.

[Anonymous]

There’s always options, but neither of you are looking for them. Good luck on the marriahe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is being rude, but just give your kid an IPad or TV, and snack and tell them to be quiet.

OP… sure, for one day, knock yourself out on the iPad. But 2 days last week and 3 days this week… not so much

This is one of those situations where you probably have to accept the family you have. Your DH isnt likely to change. He might be a great dad to teens but he can’t manage a 6 year old during WFH. So then you have to work on getting your 6 year old more self sufficient. If an iPad isn’t in your comfort zone make her a schedule of how she needs to spend her time during the work day and enforce it. Get craft projects, schedule reading, schedule TV shows and whatever else you can think of. Make sure you have snacks she can get herself.

There is probably a lot more of the 6 year old wanting you than needing you. There is no reasons 6 year old can’t go an hour without you while you do a call. These are not ideal times and you just have to make things work as best you can. And, FWIW, even teens interrupt when you WFH. I feel like my most repeated sentence is “you know I have a real job that’s paying our real bills so you need to leave me alone”.

[Anonymous]

Neither of your jobs offer back-up child care options like Bright Horizons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of your jobs offer back-up child care options like Bright Horizons?

We both work for small companies so no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make daycare arrangements.

Lol she’s SIX

Doesn’t her school have childcare? Most do for before/after/summer and random days off.

Not when they close for Covid Or inclement weather. They do for a scheduled day off, which none of these were

That’s not true. You should look into it. Many had care centers through BarT or whatever for most of the pandemic closures. Some parents still work and need full time care.

I don’t love in DC anymore so not sure what BarT is. But I can assure you, her usual aftercare was not open. We got emails telling us. Plus the weather was so bad that I wasn’t driving her there even if we had the option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of your jobs offer back-up child care options like Bright Horizons?

We both work for small companies so no.

Well than it’s on you to find backup care. Even if you live in Nowhereville, Indiana there are options. What do you think healthcare workers do for care? Your poor kid is stuck in the middle because neither of you are finding alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP who said to set a schedule in advance. When we think school is going to be canceled the next day, we take a few minutes the night before to review our schedules and come up with a plan for who is responsible for the kids during what times.

This is what we do. We both work from home now so we put our work calls in our joint calendar so we know when the other person is unavailable. If we both have calls at the same time, we tell the kids they're on their own for that hour.

Also, I did have a talk with my husband about it - no beating around the bush, just an honest, frank discussion about what needs to be done and by whom. We are also equal wage earners and while he tends to like to get his work groove on in the afternoons, I made clear that I couldn't be the one always dealing with the kids after school. We used to have a nanny but decided to stop this year because the kids were older and we're both at home now, but it necessitated a conversation about who is going to do what and when. Every week we print out a schedule and it's clear who is doing things each day. When the kids are home for whatever reason, the schedule reflects that. We both agree to the schedule on the weekend and of course we're flexible (i.e. yesterday he had a call that was supposed to be from 3-3:30 but ended up going until 5:30 so I had to grab the kids from the bus, etc.), but it helps to make things pretty 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have had terrible winter weather + Covid issues at school lately. So school has been very intermittent lately. DH and I both work full time. He’s full time WFH, I’m in the office most days. We have one DD, 6. DH just cannot handle WFH with her there. So that means I usually also WFH when DD has to be home. Not huge deal, I can WFH, flexible company, no issues there.

The problem is DH. He just cannot adapt his schedule at all to stagger having DD home or come do anything with her at all during the day. She’s pretty self sufficient for 6, but there’s lots of “I’m borrrrred” When I WFH when she’s home, I get up early to get a jump start on what I know is going to be a hectic day. Usually working by 6am, she gets up around 7:30. Today DH slept in till 8:30 and has just generally been pissy about her presence. I had one call (out of many!!) today where I just absolutely could not be bothered during and he refused to leave his office and hang with her while I locked myself in our bedroom to take the call. I don’t have a private space to work in the house since I’m mostly in the office.

I’m just so mad and annoyed today. He keeps saying “I don’t have time for this today” Well guess what, I don’t either but I’m making her lunch and helping with a toy while on a conference call, so I don’t know, deal with it?? FWIW we are equal breadwinners, but mine is a leadership role (I manage most aspects of our business while still being a project manager). I’m on the phone constantly, while he’s on the phone a couple hours a day. It seems so blatant that he’s not pulling his weight.

Hopefully come spring and less crap weather and Covid, this won’t be a thing, but would you say something?? I’ve made some comments but not directly addressed it. And god willing, he will go back to the office part time in March

Whyy the was your daughter not able to entertain herself during that one call? If your child needs constant attention/supervision, you need a back-up childcare plan for school closures because if neither of you has the flexibility to take off completely those days.

She can and does. This call was just next level important where I could not be interrupted at all, so I asked him to hang out with her just for that call as a backup that she couldn’t bother me.

I say this kindly but your daughter is six (I know six-year-old girls - I have two of them) - she should know enough to not bother you for the hour or two of your important call. What your husband may instead be mad about it is the feeling that you are micromanaging him. It's one thing to explain to your daughter that she needs to ask her dad for anything from 1-3, and then tell him that he needs to be on call for her during that time, but I don't see why he had to "hang out" with her during your call.

I get it, you're right to be feeling frustrated, but rather than just letting that frustration build, maybe try to see things from his perspective. You seem to think someone needs to be with your daughter all day while she's home. He disagrees. Neither of you are 100% right here (although frankly he's probably more right - a six-year old doesn't need constant supervision). So rather than being mad that he's not doing things YOUR WAY, figure out what he thinks is an acceptable solution.

[Anonymous]

FWIW we are equal breadwinners, but mine is a leadership role (I manage most aspects of our business while still being a project manager). I’m on the phone constantly, while he’s on the phone a couple hours a day. It seems so blatant that he’s not pulling his weight.

This got my attention. First, just because you have more calls does not mean his non-call work isn’t equally important or time-sensitive. Second, if you are on calls all day, I suspect you may not be pulling as much weight as you think throughout the day. Third, it is obviously that your current solution of trying to share childcare for unexpected closures is not working out so you guys need to find a new plan. That may mean taking turns taking PTO for snow days or finding outside childcare help, but something needs to shift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have had terrible winter weather + Covid issues at school lately. So school has been very intermittent lately. DH and I both work full time. He’s full time WFH, I’m in the office most days. We have one DD, 6. DH just cannot handle WFH with her there. So that means I usually also WFH when DD has to be home. Not huge deal, I can WFH, flexible company, no issues there.

The problem is DH. He just cannot adapt his schedule at all to stagger having DD home or come do anything with her at all during the day. She’s pretty self sufficient for 6, but there’s lots of “I’m borrrrred” When I WFH when she’s home, I get up early to get a jump start on what I know is going to be a hectic day. Usually working by 6am, she gets up around 7:30. Today DH slept in till 8:30 and has just generally been pissy about her presence. I had one call (out of many!!) today where I just absolutely could not be bothered during and he refused to leave his office and hang with her while I locked myself in our bedroom to take the call. I don’t have a private space to work in the house since I’m mostly in the office.

I’m just so mad and annoyed today. He keeps saying “I don’t have time for this today” Well guess what, I don’t either but I’m making her lunch and helping with a toy while on a conference call, so I don’t know, deal with it?? FWIW we are equal breadwinners, but mine is a leadership role (I manage most aspects of our business while still being a project manager). I’m on the phone constantly, while he’s on the phone a couple hours a day. It seems so blatant that he’s not pulling his weight.

Hopefully come spring and less crap weather and Covid, this won’t be a thing, but would you say something?? I’ve made some comments but not directly addressed it. And god willing, he will go back to the office part time in March

Whyy the was your daughter not able to entertain herself during that one call? If your child needs constant attention/supervision, you need a back-up childcare plan for school closures because if neither of you has the flexibility to take off completely those days.

She can and does. This call was just next level important where I could not be interrupted at all, so I asked him to hang out with her just for that call as a backup that she couldn’t bother me.

I can’t believe some of these answers! Look this has been a hard year like no other for families with young kids. We had soooooo little child care. And I personally am not going to just tell my kid she’s on her own for 8 hours multiple days in a row. My DD that age has ADHD so you can probably get away with more than us but if she’s home we split the day like other people have already suggested with regard to who she is supposed to get when she has an issue. But we make sure one of us does an hour of something active with her at some point, someone sits and eats lunch for 30 minutes and some one does an activity in the afternoon with her for at least an hour. And she knows she will get those times of actual interaction so she’s not harassing us all sling. In between she reads and yup watches tv. I either make up the time at night or use leave. My job is important to me but not so important I can’t spend some time with my child during the day. Yes it sucks and yes we are TIRED of it but it’s not my kids fault. If your husband hates being interrupted he can do more of the “totally off” activities and you can do more being available throughout the day. Maybe you can give him some options but make it clear you aren’t doing it 100 percent

[Anonymous]

“Would you say something??” I will never understand women with this attitude. Yes, I would have already yelled at him! I don’t understand how your husband can act like this and you’re waffling on whether to “directly address it.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean he can’t deal with her there?

Basically if I’m not there, there’s issues because he gets pissed if she needs anything and she gets borderline neglected

First question, is it really borderline neglected or just not how you would do things?

Second question, if he is 'borderline neglecting' his child why are you staying with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make daycare arrangements.

Lol she’s SIX

So. What do you think parents do who work as a cashier or a nurse or uber or whatever. They don’t just leave their 6 yr old home alone. There are plenty of at home providers who would take your child. Find one and use them.