Parents who were hands off and wish

[Anonymous]

This is a very interesting thread. DH and I were more hands off than some parents and probably much more hands on than others. (Shout out to the PP who mentioned her working class classmates in the Midwest. I was one of them. My parents did their best, but really hard when the HS guidance counselor is telling you to apply to a certificate program and even your parents know that would not match your aptitude.)

With DC#1, we could be less hands off as this DC is fairly organized and self confident, partially due to being a very strong student. DC#1 still asked for occasional feedback on essays, help with organizing college visits, etc. DC#1 also good at saying, "I don' want to talk about college right now." DC#1 probably didn't have the robust ECs, awards that many have, but a stellar GPA and test score, one killer internship, and a legacy greatly helped. Without the legacy, DC#1 may now be scrambling but confident that this kid would have figured it out. Even college counselor thought there were good options.

A little more different with DC#2, who really struggled with an undiagnosed LD for first 2/3rds of 9th grade. We figured it out as this usually kind, funny kid with strong grades in some classes and above average in regular STEM appeared to be unraveling. Fortunately we had the means to get DC#2 tested right away. Ended the year with a B/B+ average, which was an achievement. DC#2 grades improved steadily though still struggles with executive function. We were a little more hands on here, prodding school visits in some instances, etc. We didn't make charts, but did check in occasionally. Did share essays 24 hours before due. Fortunately DC#2 had a school college counselor able and willing to speak with us, even if just to share our insights, especially where there may be obstacles. DC#2 went back and forth on ED1 choice, ended up going for the low reach and was successful. Will say that I think DC#2 wishes the grades had been stronger so there are some regrets even if that really wasn't tenable at that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My regret is not pushing them harder in high school for better grades.

I have the same regret. If I had to do it over again, I would have cut sports out. Sports sucked up too much time, money and energy and for what.....a bunch of sports injuries that will haunt them for the rest of their lives? I don't understand the emphasis put on sports in HS.

In the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your kid in a private school? Then I guess counsellors and teachers will take care of it for you. My kids are in public school, counsellors and teachers don’t have time to guide them. And if you take a back seat approach there you maybe disadvantaging your kid. For example, no one is going to tell an aspiring engineer/scientist that they should follow a certain math sequence starting in grade 7 if they want to be competitive for top colleges in grade 12. There are tons of things like that in high school that need parents guidance.

+1
Level of support available a lot of times depends on the school (one argument for paying for some privates). Being professionally familiar with some of the local (DMV) public school systems I've frequently seen more than capable students who've been knocked out of consideration for top 50 colleges simply because they're math track doesn't make them competitive for some engineering/CS program. Also happens a lot with language where teens don't know they have to show some consistency there with course selection sequence. No one in a large public high school will insist on that to a student. Graduation requirements in these high schools (at least the local ones I know) are much lower than what's needed to be competitive for a top 50 school (even some of the local state universities), if that's your goal. A public HS (and some private HS) parent who know these nuances can help guide their student accordingly, again if their goal is to be viable for a top college/university or STEM/liberal arts program.

[Anonymous]

Errata mia che volo solare collegio n'a stuccina bazzi mitti no ravalle. E STEM profesionale ste scola pubblica o privata mi sone alla prie. Dos echinos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. DH and I each have multiple degrees from Ivies etc etc, but we did not want our kids to be hothouse flowers. We let them do the things they liked and not do the things they hated. We gave support when needed academically (e.g, a few months of math tutoring if they were struggling), but urged them to focus on doing their best without making themselves crazy, not on grades.

DC1 now at a top 50 SLAC and very happy. DC 2 a HS senior and a bit more academic; applying to schools in top 20 and (we hope!) will get into several. Both kids are good humans, kind and funny and creative and smart and resilient.

Maybe they'd both have ended up at HYP if we had enrolled them in math enrichment, violin and Mandarin from an early aged and pushed them from one lesson or sport to another. But I doubt they would be happier people or better humans. I am confident that they will have successful lives and careers regardless.

Barf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. DH and I each have multiple degrees from Ivies etc etc, but we did not want our kids to be hothouse flowers. We let them do the things they liked and not do the things they hated. We gave support when needed academically (e.g, a few months of math tutoring if they were struggling), but urged them to focus on doing their best without making themselves crazy, not on grades.

DC1 now at a top 50 SLAC and very happy. DC 2 a HS senior and a bit more academic; applying to schools in top 20 and (we hope!) will get into several. Both kids are good humans, kind and funny and creative and smart and resilient.

Maybe they'd both have ended up at HYP if we had enrolled them in math enrichment, violin and Mandarin from an early aged and pushed them from one lesson or sport to another. But I doubt they would be happier people or better humans. I am confident that they will have successful lives and careers regardless.

Barf

LOL è nauseante

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. DH and I each have multiple degrees from Ivies etc etc, but we did not want our kids to be hothouse flowers. We let them do the things they liked and not do the things they hated. We gave support when needed academically (e.g, a few months of math tutoring if they were struggling), but urged them to focus on doing their best without making themselves crazy, not on grades.

DC1 now at a top 50 SLAC and very happy. DC 2 a HS senior and a bit more academic; applying to schools in top 20 and (we hope!) will get into several. Both kids are good humans, kind and funny and creative and smart and resilient.

Maybe they'd both have ended up at HYP if we had enrolled them in math enrichment, violin and Mandarin from an early aged and pushed them from one lesson or sport to another. But I doubt they would be happier people or better humans. I am confident that they will have successful lives and careers regardless.

Barf

LOL è nauseante

Take your French ass elsewhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. DH and I each have multiple degrees from Ivies etc etc, but we did not want our kids to be hothouse flowers. We let them do the things they liked and not do the things they hated. We gave support when needed academically (e.g, a few months of math tutoring if they were struggling), but urged them to focus on doing their best without making themselves crazy, not on grades.

DC1 now at a top 50 SLAC and very happy. DC 2 a HS senior and a bit more academic; applying to schools in top 20 and (we hope!) will get into several. Both kids are good humans, kind and funny and creative and smart and resilient.

Maybe they'd both have ended up at HYP if we had enrolled them in math enrichment, violin and Mandarin from an early aged and pushed them from one lesson or sport to another. But I doubt they would be happier people or better humans. I am confident that they will have successful lives and careers regardless.

Barf

LOL è nauseante

Take your French ass elsewhere

Non French and my English not good and want to talk to you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the level of my involvement:
1. I created one Google doc that had the due dates and application requirements for the schools they were applying to.
2. I worked out the schedule and drove them to campus visits.
3. I did the FAFSA form (it's really hard for a kid to do that--so much of it is really about your finances.)
4. I paid for the SAT registration.
5. I proofread their essays. Proofread as in not editing--only just being a second pair of eyes to spot typos or a "there vs. their" type error. The same thing my DH and I do for each other when writing more significant things for work.
That's it. Everything else was on them.
I don't think folks are doing kids any favors with excessive help, because then you just set them up to have a particularly hard crash come freshman year at college.

That's a lot, especially #1.

I did none of this at all. And all of my kids got into top colleges.

I did not do #1, I did the rest. And if by #2 you mean like arrange visits I did that. But I did not micromanage college applications because I felt that if did that, my child was not ready to go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the level of my involvement:
1. I created one Google doc that had the due dates and application requirements for the schools they were applying to.
2. I worked out the schedule and drove them to campus visits.
3. I did the FAFSA form (it's really hard for a kid to do that--so much of it is really about your finances.)
4. I paid for the SAT registration.
5. I proofread their essays. Proofread as in not editing--only just being a second pair of eyes to spot typos or a "there vs. their" type error. The same thing my DH and I do for each other when writing more significant things for work.
That's it. Everything else was on them.
I don't think folks are doing kids any favors with excessive help, because then you just set them up to have a particularly hard crash come freshman year at college.

That's a lot, especially #1.

I did none of this at all. And all of my kids got into top colleges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Errata mia che volo solare collegio n'a stuccina bazzi mitti no ravalle. E STEM profesionale ste scola pubblica o privata mi sone alla prie. Dos echinos.

Tu noma sillu dos mi sognalla minami che. O y mitti ravalle mia stupendi la allora come va ingombrante e se gli dai la libertà, sarà uno studente migliore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, I was full of teen attitude when it came time to go through the college admission process. I don't know if I was freaked out about leaving home or just intimidated or what, but I was not willing to take the lead despite being an excellent student. I just wanted to focus on senior year and my ECs. Fortunately my mom stepped up and made me do it. Did she want to? No. Was I a cooperative participant? No. Would many here disapprove? Yup. But it worked out a million times better for the both of us that I got into a good college and left home the following fall. I ended up excelling in college, attending grad school on a full fellowship, and having an excellent career, all without any parent assistance. Notnapplying and floundering at home wouldn't have been good for either of us.

Sometimes teen are going to teen. Parents are there for a reason. No judgment here. I don't know how it will go with my kids, but I'll do my best for their longterm success, whatever I think that looks like at the time.

+1 agree.. I posted up thread.. my teen DC told me that I needed to push because they are teens, and they sometimes need pushing. They will push back because they don't have the maturity and experience to understand the long term consequences of certain choices. My DC doesn't think I'm a tiger mom or helicopter mom; I don't push them to do everything, but, there are certain things that I do push them on, and college app is one.

DC is a junior, and I've started to push DC on looking into what colleges they are interested in because we need to start looking at college tours. DC already chose a major, on their own. But, most kids need some guidance. Complete hands off approach doesn't work for most teens in this day and age.

I did everything on my own, and it was tough, and I don't think I made great choices early on. I wished that I had someone to guide and push me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. DH and I each have multiple degrees from Ivies etc etc, but we did not want our kids to be hothouse flowers. We let them do the things they liked and not do the things they hated. We gave support when needed academically (e.g, a few months of math tutoring if they were struggling), but urged them to focus on doing their best without making themselves crazy, not on grades.

DC1 now at a top 50 SLAC and very happy. DC 2 a HS senior and a bit more academic; applying to schools in top 20 and (we hope!) will get into several. Both kids are good humans, kind and funny and creative and smart and resilient.

Maybe they'd both have ended up at HYP if we had enrolled them in math enrichment, violin and Mandarin from an early aged and pushed them from one lesson or sport to another. But I doubt they would be happier people or better humans. I am confident that they will have successful lives and careers regardless.

Why it is necessary to tell us you are Ivy graduates? And let me guess: the top 50 school your kid attends is a CTCL school.

Personal insecurities. Not just one but "multiple degrees"... LOL at that.

i think you are missing the point, which i took to be, "We have degrees from these fancy schools and are here to tell you they are overrated, so we did not want to push our kids in the direction of something stupid."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one with a contrarian, obstinate kid who refused almost all proffered help/guidance (including an executive function/ADHD coach, language tutor, SAT class, college counselor, tho reluctantly let us read essay after big resistance)? So kid who is smarter than all get out (except in some ways it matters most, like accepting help when needed), is going to end up at a much less selective school than his IQ would predict, because of his less than perfect gpa, and probably his less than perfect application, which we didn’t review because he wouldn’t show us, except for the essay. It is what it is.

I'm having trouble understanding what makes a stubborn kid with a low GPA and all of those other problems "smarter than all get out." I'm guessing it's because he has high test scores. That alone makes no one "smarter than all get out."

Stupid is as stupid does.

Nope, not just high standardized test scores that make him, as numerous teachers have told us over the years, an extremely intellectual kid, one of the brightest they've ever come across, with a depth and breadth of knowledge they rarely see in someone his age.

Yes, he might be stupid when it comes to executive function, motivation, organization, and being oppositional to his parents. But he is at the heart of it a decent kid who has never once been mean to a classmate, has never once said a bad thing at home about a classmate or friend, has never once called someone else stupid. For that I am thankful, no matter where he ends up.

p.s. speaking of which, never said his GPA is low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your kid in a private school? Then I guess counsellors and teachers will take care of it for you. My kids are in public school, counsellors and teachers don’t have time to guide them. And if you take a back seat approach there you maybe disadvantaging your kid. For example, no one is going to tell an aspiring engineer/scientist that they should follow a certain math sequence starting in grade 7 if they want to be competitive for top colleges in grade 12. There are tons of things like that in high school that need parents guidance.

+1
Level of support available a lot of times depends on the school (one argument for paying for some privates). Being professionally familiar with some of the local (DMV) public school systems I've frequently seen more than capable students who've been knocked out of consideration for top 50 colleges simply because they're math track doesn't make them competitive for some engineering/CS program. Also happens a lot with language where teens don't know they have to show some consistency there with course selection sequence. No one in a large public high school will insist on that to a student. Graduation requirements in these high schools (at least the local ones I know) are much lower than what's needed to be competitive for a top 50 school (even some of the local state universities), if that's your goal. A public HS (and some private HS) parent who know these nuances can help guide their student accordingly, again if their goal is to be viable for a top college/university or STEM/liberal arts program.

What consistency do they need to show in terms of language? Can you elaborate?