Parents who were hands off and wish

[Anonymous]

in retrospect that they had been more hands on with their kids’ education. Do you regret not steering them towards a particular college/university? DH and I take a back seat approach to our DC’s education and as I speak to friends and family, I wonder if down the road we will wish we had done things differently.

[Anonymous]

Nope. DH and I each have multiple degrees from Ivies etc etc, but we did not want our kids to be hothouse flowers. We let them do the things they liked and not do the things they hated. We gave support when needed academically (e.g, a few months of math tutoring if they were struggling), but urged them to focus on doing their best without making themselves crazy, not on grades.

DC1 now at a top 50 SLAC and very happy. DC 2 a HS senior and a bit more academic; applying to schools in top 20 and (we hope!) will get into several. Both kids are good humans, kind and funny and creative and smart and resilient.

Maybe they'd both have ended up at HYP if we had enrolled them in math enrichment, violin and Mandarin from an early aged and pushed them from one lesson or sport to another. But I doubt they would be happier people or better humans. I am confident that they will have successful lives and careers regardless.

[Anonymous]

Nope. No regret. We were on them about accountability and responsibility. But they chosen their own paths. Not my life, so I don’t get to make decisions on what major to study, which school to attend, etc.

As long as they are happy and productive, DH and I are proud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:in retrospect that they had been more hands on with their kids’ education. Do you regret not steering them towards a particular college/university? DH and I take a back seat approach to our DC’s education and as I speak to friends and family, I wonder if down the road we will wish we had done things differently.

No regrets - wife and I went to mid-tier public universities and were highly successful in business. Worked incredibly hard and long, but were able to retire at ages 50 and 51. Too much effort is put in to “steering and influencing”‘for parents, especially here. Let them fail and grow as a result…not enough of that going on and figuring out yourself is underrated..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. DH and I each have multiple degrees from Ivies etc etc, but we did not want our kids to be hothouse flowers. We let them do the things they liked and not do the things they hated. We gave support when needed academically (e.g, a few months of math tutoring if they were struggling), but urged them to focus on doing their best without making themselves crazy, not on grades.

DC1 now at a top 50 SLAC and very happy. DC 2 a HS senior and a bit more academic; applying to schools in top 20 and (we hope!) will get into several. Both kids are good humans, kind and funny and creative and smart and resilient.

Maybe they'd both have ended up at HYP if we had enrolled them in math enrichment, violin and Mandarin from an early aged and pushed them from one lesson or sport to another. But I doubt they would be happier people or better humans. I am confident that they will have successful lives and careers regardless.

Why it is necessary to tell us you are Ivy graduates? And let me guess: the top 50 school your kid attends is a CTCL school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. DH and I each have multiple degrees from Ivies etc etc, but we did not want our kids to be hothouse flowers. We let them do the things they liked and not do the things they hated. We gave support when needed academically (e.g, a few months of math tutoring if they were struggling), but urged them to focus on doing their best without making themselves crazy, not on grades.

DC1 now at a top 50 SLAC and very happy. DC 2 a HS senior and a bit more academic; applying to schools in top 20 and (we hope!) will get into several. Both kids are good humans, kind and funny and creative and smart and resilient.

Maybe they'd both have ended up at HYP if we had enrolled them in math enrichment, violin and Mandarin from an early aged and pushed them from one lesson or sport to another. But I doubt they would be happier people or better humans. I am confident that they will have successful lives and careers regardless.

Why it is necessary to tell us you are Ivy graduates? And let me guess: the top 50 school your kid attends is a CTCL school.

Agreed…and I’m guessing, based on the detail in their paragraph, that they were much more hands on them they are leading us to beleive…this site is cracking me up..

[Anonymous]

Spot on, PP. Spot on.

[Anonymous]

a bunch of losers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a bunch of losers

This site was much better before the children discovered it.

[Anonymous]

I get the whole let kids figure out their own lives, but they are still very young to be making all these decisions themselves. One day, some will probably wish their parents would have provided more guidance. On the other hand, some parents claim they don’t provide guidance, but do in subtle ways. I have a kid who went through the admissions process last year and got into his top choice ED while many kids struggled. And, to some degree, I think his result reflected help from us regarding his application strategy. A lot of kids get to college admissions and realize important things too late. For example, that schools have certain course rigor, GPA, and testing requirements. But, in senior year, it’s too late to change those things. Suddenly, they may be left with unappealing choices. It’s hard to get the balance right - obviously no one wants their kid and themselves to be miserable for 18 years - but I think a parent needs to use their larger vision of life, including options and consequences, to help a child navigate big decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the whole let kids figure out their own lives, but they are still very young to be making all these decisions themselves. One day, some will probably wish their parents would have provided more guidance. On the other hand, some parents claim they don’t provide guidance, but do in subtle ways. I have a kid who went through the admissions process last year and got into his top choice ED while many kids struggled. And, to some degree, I think his result reflected help from us regarding his application strategy. A lot of kids get to college admissions and realize important things too late. For example, that schools have certain course rigor, GPA, and testing requirements. But, in senior year, it’s too late to change those things. Suddenly, they may be left with unappealing choices. It’s hard to get the balance right - obviously no one wants their kid and themselves to be miserable for 18 years - but I think a parent needs to use their larger vision of life, including options and consequences, to help a child navigate big decisions.

Sounds good, and validates your purpose, but it’s really overkill in today’s society. Even parents who profess not to micromanage today, are far more involved than parents of yesteryear. That’s why you see so much more mental health issues and medication with todays youth. Maybe it’s a function of advanced diagnostics, but my hunch is the overbearing parents and their unwillingness to let the kids figure it out. Too much pressure to please parents and fulfill parents desires…speaks more to the parents than the kids…

[Anonymous]

Yes, I believe that most kids should flail. It certainly makes it easier for my kid.

[Anonymous]

I have an acquaintance who “edits” his college sophomore’s papers. And, due to both the pandemic and the specific school, this student’s finals are mostly papers, not tests. Seems crazy and I am not sure what you are teaching your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an acquaintance who “edits” his college sophomore’s papers. And, due to both the pandemic and the specific school, this student’s finals are mostly papers, not tests. Seems crazy and I am not sure what you are teaching your kids.

The opposite of your example is not the hands-off parent OP is asking about. Most parents don't expect to help their college children with their work.

[Anonymous]

My regret is not pushing them harder in high school for better grades.