Parents who were hands off and wish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. DH and I each have multiple degrees from Ivies etc etc, but we did not want our kids to be hothouse flowers. We let them do the things they liked and not do the things they hated. We gave support when needed academically (e.g, a few months of math tutoring if they were struggling), but urged them to focus on doing their best without making themselves crazy, not on grades.

DC1 now at a top 50 SLAC and very happy. DC 2 a HS senior and a bit more academic; applying to schools in top 20 and (we hope!) will get into several. Both kids are good humans, kind and funny and creative and smart and resilient.

Maybe they'd both have ended up at HYP if we had enrolled them in math enrichment, violin and Mandarin from an early aged and pushed them from one lesson or sport to another. But I doubt they would be happier people or better humans. I am confident that they will have successful lives and careers regardless.

Oh I’m so impressed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. DH and I each have multiple degrees from Ivies etc etc, but we did not want our kids to be hothouse flowers. We let them do the things they liked and not do the things they hated. We gave support when needed academically (e.g, a few months of math tutoring if they were struggling), but urged them to focus on doing their best without making themselves crazy, not on grades.

DC1 now at a top 50 SLAC and very happy. DC 2 a HS senior and a bit more academic; applying to schools in top 20 and (we hope!) will get into several. Both kids are good humans, kind and funny and creative and smart and resilient.

Maybe they'd both have ended up at HYP if we had enrolled them in math enrichment, violin and Mandarin from an early aged and pushed them from one lesson or sport to another. But I doubt they would be happier people or better humans. I am confident that they will have successful lives and careers regardless.

Why it is necessary to tell us you are Ivy graduates? And let me guess: the top 50 school your kid attends is a CTCL school.

Personal insecurities. Not just one but "multiple degrees"... LOL at that.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends on your definition of hands off. I tend to think we didn't get involved in the specifics, but made our expectations known ie grades and ECs good enough to get you into a college that you would graduate from with a degree that will get you a job and out off our payroll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the whole let kids figure out their own lives, but they are still very young to be making all these decisions themselves. One day, some will probably wish their parents would have provided more guidance. On the other hand, some parents claim they don’t provide guidance, but do in subtle ways. I have a kid who went through the admissions process last year and got into his top choice ED while many kids struggled. And, to some degree, I think his result reflected help from us regarding his application strategy. A lot of kids get to college admissions and realize important things too late. For example, that schools have certain course rigor, GPA, and testing requirements. But, in senior year, it’s too late to change those things. Suddenly, they may be left with unappealing choices. It’s hard to get the balance right - obviously no one wants their kid and themselves to be miserable for 18 years - but I think a parent needs to use their larger vision of life, including options and consequences, to help a child navigate big decisions.

Sounds good, and validates your purpose, but it’s really overkill in today’s society. Even parents who profess not to micromanage today, are far more involved than parents of yesteryear. That’s why you see so much more mental health issues and medication with todays youth. Maybe it’s a function of advanced diagnostics, but my hunch is the overbearing parents and their unwillingness to let the kids figure it out. Too much pressure to please parents and fulfill parents desires…speaks more to the parents than the kids…

So, the mental health issues of today’s kids is caused by parents? Well, as you say, maybe in the case of overbearing ones, but I don’t think guidance about courses and the importance of achievement is overbearing. In many cases, kids just need perspective. More importantly, however, your diagnosis doesn’t explain higher rates of ADHD and other issues in elementary-aged kids. Also, what about peer pressure amped by social media? From what I read, more teens are screwed up by social media than their parents.

[Anonymous]

I heard of one small company where one of the workers was tasked with doing the bosses sons college work. Some kind of project related to accountancy

[Anonymous]

I don't know if OP is talking generally about education or asking specifically if you wished you were more involved in the college search. If it's the latter, it's pretty obvious that the better your student is, the less help they need. If they're a loser and not a candidate for top schools, you need to be more hands on or they'll end up at a place that isn't worth the money etc. If they're a top student, they don't need a lot of help.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one with a contrarian, obstinate kid who refused almost all proffered help/guidance (including an executive function/ADHD coach, language tutor, SAT class, college counselor, tho reluctantly let us read essay after big resistance)? So kid who is smarter than all get out (except in some ways it matters most, like accepting help when needed), is going to end up at a much less selective school than his IQ would predict, because of his less than perfect gpa, and probably his less than perfect application, which we didn’t review because he wouldn’t show us, except for the essay. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My regret is not pushing them harder in high school for better grades.

even more, not pushing them to stick to an e.c. activity. I was hands off, let them do whatever they wanted, and my teen DC said I should've made them stick to something.

I straddle that line, and find myself pushing them, then pulling back. Hard for me, and the kids.

My parents couldn't help me (immigrants), so I was left to figure it out on my own. In retrospect, while it did make me stronger, I do wish that they could've helped me more in making better decisions.

I am helping steer my 16 yr old DC regarding college. DC is a straight A student at a magnet, so I don't need to worry about grades, but a lot of kids don't have the foresight to think things through.

[Anonymous]

I understand why the PP mentioned they had graduated from ivies because it offers context. If children grow up in a home where the parents graduated from highly selective colleges it does set an unspoken bar for them academically….there is a presumption they will prioritize academics and aim high on college admissions.

Personally I have no regrets with being hands off……both children were admitted to their top choice ED. They drove the process and we provided advice when asked.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your kid in a private school? Then I guess counsellors and teachers will take care of it for you. My kids are in public school, counsellors and teachers don’t have time to guide them. And if you take a back seat approach there you maybe disadvantaging your kid. For example, no one is going to tell an aspiring engineer/scientist that they should follow a certain math sequence starting in grade 7 if they want to be competitive for top colleges in grade 12. There are tons of things like that in high school that need parents guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one with a contrarian, obstinate kid who refused almost all proffered help/guidance (including an executive function/ADHD coach, language tutor, SAT class, college counselor, tho reluctantly let us read essay after big resistance)? So kid who is smarter than all get out (except in some ways it matters most, like accepting help when needed), is going to end up at a much less selective school than his IQ would predict, because of his less than perfect gpa, and probably his less than perfect application, which we didn’t review because he wouldn’t show us, except for the essay. It is what it is.

Oh, I have your kid. He’s only in 9th grade now but this is him. We are doing our very best to help him recognize when he needs help and ask for it. But he will not take help he doesn’t want, come hell or high water. He is a kind and caring and smart human being, though, and I hold onto the belief that he truly is going to have a really good life. He’s just someone who would rather bushwhack his own path through the woods and get covered by scratches and bug bites rather than follow a smooth path someone else laid out. There is a lot to admire in that, too, if you look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is talking generally about education or asking specifically if you wished you were more involved in the college search. If it's the latter, it's pretty obvious that the better your student is, the less help they need. If they're a loser and not a candidate for top schools, you need to be more hands on or they'll end up at a place that isn't worth the money etc. If they're a top student, they don't need a lot of help.

Wow, when did those not a candidate for top schools become losers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one with a contrarian, obstinate kid who refused almost all proffered help/guidance (including an executive function/ADHD coach, language tutor, SAT class, college counselor, tho reluctantly let us read essay after big resistance)? So kid who is smarter than all get out (except in some ways it matters most, like accepting help when needed), is going to end up at a much less selective school than his IQ would predict, because of his less than perfect gpa, and probably his less than perfect application, which we didn’t review because he wouldn’t show us, except for the essay. It is what it is.

I'm having trouble understanding what makes a stubborn kid with a low GPA and all of those other problems "smarter than all get out." I'm guessing it's because he has high test scores. That alone makes no one "smarter than all get out."

Stupid is as stupid does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is talking generally about education or asking specifically if you wished you were more involved in the college search. If it's the latter, it's pretty obvious that the better your student is, the less help they need. If they're a loser and not a candidate for top schools, you need to be more hands on or they'll end up at a place that isn't worth the money etc. If they're a top student, they don't need a lot of help.

Wow, when did those not a candidate for top schools become losers?

Damn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one with a contrarian, obstinate kid who refused almost all proffered help/guidance (including an executive function/ADHD coach, language tutor, SAT class, college counselor, tho reluctantly let us read essay after big resistance)? So kid who is smarter than all get out (except in some ways it matters most, like accepting help when needed), is going to end up at a much less selective school than his IQ would predict, because of his less than perfect gpa, and probably his less than perfect application, which we didn’t review because he wouldn’t show us, except for the essay. It is what it is.

It is indeed what it is, and your kid will have the same opportunity for a happy and successful career attending a less selective school. There's a mountain of data to support this....

https://lesshighschoolstress.com/