DC upset about grandparent favoritism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

Simply not true. By that age it was easy to tell my grandparent preferred my brother. He was younger and the only male grandchild in the family. It baffles me as an adult how my parents just let it happen and didn’t say anything or acknowledge what was happening.

With my own children it is also blatantly obvious but my older child pulls no punches and outright calls her grandparents (my ILs) out when they get like this, bragging endlessly about one of her cousins while not acknowledging her in any way. I’d guess she was about 8 the first time she piped up when they were raving about how athletic her cousin is and told her it was fine she wasn’t because she was a girl. A girl who runs 5ks, does swim team, plays softball, etc. So just patently untrue statements from the grandparents.

OP here… I secretly would love for DC to call them out on it. I truly wonder how they’d respond.

Yikes. I cannot believe you wrote that let alone secretly dream it. This one statement proves that you are the problem...that you want a 7-year-old to initiate a fight with the grandparent? You are completely unstable and should not be a parent. Sheesh.

I merely meant that might be all that would get through to them is realizing it affects DC. When I’ve talked to my mom about the favoritism before, it fell on deaf ears or she got extremely defensive. Probably because I’m not the golden child, nothing I’ve ever said to her is met with an ounce of thoughtfulness or consideration. That’s all I meant. Unless you’ve been in a truly narcissistic relationship, you can’t understand how it feels to never ever be heard, especially when you have the best intentions. Not being heard is a huge reason we are somewhat low contact … it just gets exhausting. So yes, I do wonder if they would take concerns more seriously if it came from DC’s mouth vs mine.

I think you made quite the leap that I’m somehow mentally unstable and unfit to be a parent. If I didn’t care about my kid, I wouldn’t even be concerned about any of this in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

Simply not true. By that age it was easy to tell my grandparent preferred my brother. He was younger and the only male grandchild in the family. It baffles me as an adult how my parents just let it happen and didn’t say anything or acknowledge what was happening.

With my own children it is also blatantly obvious but my older child pulls no punches and outright calls her grandparents (my ILs) out when they get like this, bragging endlessly about one of her cousins while not acknowledging her in any way. I’d guess she was about 8 the first time she piped up when they were raving about how athletic her cousin is and told her it was fine she wasn’t because she was a girl. A girl who runs 5ks, does swim team, plays softball, etc. So just patently untrue statements from the grandparents.

OP here… I secretly would love for DC to call them out on it. I truly wonder how they’d respond.

Yikes. I cannot believe you wrote that let alone secretly dream it. This one statement proves that you are the problem...that you want a 7-year-old to initiate a fight with the grandparent? You are completely unstable and should not be a parent. Sheesh.

I’m surprised everyone is latching onto this. I get it, OP. My mom is toxic and we’ve ended contact with her, but for a while she favored our son over our daughter. She’d buy something for DS then buy the same thing for DD to make it equal, even if it wasn’t something she wanted or something age appropriate. Then when DD would ask for something, they’d say no because they just bought her a gift (that she didn’t want). That’s just one example but for a 4&6 year old, it’s big.

I did address it with my mom when I was aware of it, but she’d gaslight me. After all the excuses of why I was wrong and she wasn’t playing favorites, she’d always circle back to “DD didn’t complain/seemed happy. It must be your problem, not hers.” As though I was making it up. I wished DD would say when she felt something wasn’t fair and call it out in the moment, but that’s a lot to ask of a little kid, and it’s my job. But I did wish it so my parents would know I wasn’t creating the problem.

Honestly, with people like that, it doesn’t really matter who says what. If the kid does say it, who knows how they’ll respond. Will they lash out at the kid? Blame the parent for putting ideas in the kid’s head? Build up resentment over time and behave worse than before? Pretty much the only thing you can be sure of is that she won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

I don’t think it’s fair to try to blame me for my mom’s behavior. I have tried to be as neutral as humanly possible in this situation. I sincerely would love for my DC to have the relationship with my mom that I didn’t get to have.

DP. I agree with the first poster. Your child is picking up the resentment from somewhere. It makes sense that it would be from you. Even your OP, which is written to seem like it is unbiased and fairly presented, is not actually unbiased and fairly presented. You owe your child more. That a 7-year-old burst into tears about it means that you are somehow egging on the behavior because that is not something most 7-year-olds would pick up on.

PP, you just not have ever spent much time with a 7 year old. My now 8 year old would certainly have picked up on it, especially over time. They are not infants. At 7 in particular mine was very emotionally sensitive and figuring out his place in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

Simply not true. By that age it was easy to tell my grandparent preferred my brother. He was younger and the only male grandchild in the family. It baffles me as an adult how my parents just let it happen and didn’t say anything or acknowledge what was happening.

With my own children it is also blatantly obvious but my older child pulls no punches and outright calls her grandparents (my ILs) out when they get like this, bragging endlessly about one of her cousins while not acknowledging her in any way. I’d guess she was about 8 the first time she piped up when they were raving about how athletic her cousin is and told her it was fine she wasn’t because she was a girl. A girl who runs 5ks, does swim team, plays softball, etc. So just patently untrue statements from the grandparents.

OP here… I secretly would love for DC to call them out on it. I truly wonder how they’d respond.

Yikes. I cannot believe you wrote that let alone secretly dream it. This one statement proves that you are the problem...that you want a 7-year-old to initiate a fight with the grandparent? You are completely unstable and should not be a parent. Sheesh.

I’m surprised everyone is latching onto this. I get it, OP. My mom is toxic and we’ve ended contact with her, but for a while she favored our son over our daughter. She’d buy something for DS then buy the same thing for DD to make it equal, even if it wasn’t something she wanted or something age appropriate. Then when DD would ask for something, they’d say no because they just bought her a gift (that she didn’t want). That’s just one example but for a 4&6 year old, it’s big.

I did address it with my mom when I was aware of it, but she’d gaslight me. After all the excuses of why I was wrong and she wasn’t playing favorites, she’d always circle back to “DD didn’t complain/seemed happy. It must be your problem, not hers.” As though I was making it up. I wished DD would say when she felt something wasn’t fair and call it out in the moment, but that’s a lot to ask of a little kid, and it’s my job. But I did wish it so my parents would know I wasn’t creating the problem.

Honestly, with people like that, it doesn’t really matter who says what. If the kid does say it, who knows how they’ll respond. Will they lash out at the kid? Blame the parent for putting ideas in the kid’s head? Build up resentment over time and behave worse than before? Pretty much the only thing you can be sure of is that she won’t change.

OP here. Thank you for explaining this better than I’ve managed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

Simply not true. By that age it was easy to tell my grandparent preferred my brother. He was younger and the only male grandchild in the family. It baffles me as an adult how my parents just let it happen and didn’t say anything or acknowledge what was happening.

With my own children it is also blatantly obvious but my older child pulls no punches and outright calls her grandparents (my ILs) out when they get like this, bragging endlessly about one of her cousins while not acknowledging her in any way. I’d guess she was about 8 the first time she piped up when they were raving about how athletic her cousin is and told her it was fine she wasn’t because she was a girl. A girl who runs 5ks, does swim team, plays softball, etc. So just patently untrue statements from the grandparents.

OP here… I secretly would love for DC to call them out on it. I truly wonder how they’d respond.

Yikes. I cannot believe you wrote that let alone secretly dream it. This one statement proves that you are the problem...that you want a 7-year-old to initiate a fight with the grandparent? You are completely unstable and should not be a parent. Sheesh.

I merely meant that might be all that would get through to them is realizing it affects DC. When I’ve talked to my mom about the favoritism before, it fell on deaf ears or she got extremely defensive. Probably because I’m not the golden child, nothing I’ve ever said to her is met with an ounce of thoughtfulness or consideration. That’s all I meant. Unless you’ve been in a truly narcissistic relationship, you can’t understand how it feels to never ever be heard, especially when you have the best intentions. Not being heard is a huge reason we are somewhat low contact … it just gets exhausting. So yes, I do wonder if they would take concerns more seriously if it came from DC’s mouth vs mine.

I think you made quite the leap that I’m somehow mentally unstable and unfit to be a parent. If I didn’t care about my kid, I wouldn’t even be concerned about any of this in the first place.

DP. You want a child, your seven year old child, to fight a battle for you. Yep, I'd say that makes you unstable and unfit to be a parent. It would be difficult to find a better example than you of who shouldn't be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

I don’t think it’s fair to try to blame me for my mom’s behavior. I have tried to be as neutral as humanly possible in this situation. I sincerely would love for my DC to have the relationship with my mom that I didn’t get to have.

DP. I agree with the first poster. Your child is picking up the resentment from somewhere. It makes sense that it would be from you. Even your OP, which is written to seem like it is unbiased and fairly presented, is not actually unbiased and fairly presented. You owe your child more. That a 7-year-old burst into tears about it means that you are somehow egging on the behavior because that is not something most 7-year-olds would pick up on.

PP, you just not have ever spent much time with a 7 year old. My now 8 year old would certainly have picked up on it, especially over time. They are not infants. At 7 in particular mine was very emotionally sensitive and figuring out his place in the family.

You and the OP sound like you're of the same ilk. Your child should not be that "emotionally sensitive" and you should do a better job helping your child remain stable.

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing wrong with OP saying she dreams her child would stand up for himself and advocate for himself about the grandparents’ behavior. That’s not fighting a battle for her.

Eventually it will probably come to this, when the child is older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

I don’t think it’s fair to try to blame me for my mom’s behavior. I have tried to be as neutral as humanly possible in this situation. I sincerely would love for my DC to have the relationship with my mom that I didn’t get to have.

DP. I agree with the first poster. Your child is picking up the resentment from somewhere. It makes sense that it would be from you. Even your OP, which is written to seem like it is unbiased and fairly presented, is not actually unbiased and fairly presented. You owe your child more. That a 7-year-old burst into tears about it means that you are somehow egging on the behavior because that is not something most 7-year-olds would pick up on.

PP, you just not have ever spent much time with a 7 year old. My now 8 year old would certainly have picked up on it, especially over time. They are not infants. At 7 in particular mine was very emotionally sensitive and figuring out his place in the family.

Of course. My 8 year old (not sensitive) would also absolutely pick up on something like this, and it’s toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

I don’t think it’s fair to try to blame me for my mom’s behavior. I have tried to be as neutral as humanly possible in this situation. I sincerely would love for my DC to have the relationship with my mom that I didn’t get to have.

DP. I agree with the first poster. Your child is picking up the resentment from somewhere. It makes sense that it would be from you. Even your OP, which is written to seem like it is unbiased and fairly presented, is not actually unbiased and fairly presented. You owe your child more. That a 7-year-old burst into tears about it means that you are somehow egging on the behavior because that is not something most 7-year-olds would pick up on.

PP, you just not have ever spent much time with a 7 year old. My now 8 year old would certainly have picked up on it, especially over time. They are not infants. At 7 in particular mine was very emotionally sensitive and figuring out his place in the family.

You and the OP sound like you're of the same ilk. Your child should not be that "emotionally sensitive" and you should do a better job helping your child remain stable.

OP here. Better than having no emotional intelligence at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is an a-hole and there is no reason to maintain a relationship between her and your child. How is this a question?

This. What good would a relationship with them do? None. Tell your
Mom this and see if she changes her tune.

[Anonymous]

I think you really have to minimize contact and avoid larger family gatherings. Does your child have other grandparents who you can visit instead?

[Anonymous]

It happened in my family. My kids, and their cousins, figured it out. But they were always polite with my parents, and as the non-favored kids got older, the less they saw my parents. Natural consequences. I did have a chat with my mom, but she denied it. I wasn’t going to cut my parents from my life because they did a lot of good things too. It’s hard, but you just do the best you can. My kids loved my parents in spite of the favoritism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom very obviously favors her other grandchild over my child. The grandkids are the same age. They have one overlapping activity and then my DC dies an additional activity. DC is not competitive in either. Other grandchild is competitive in the overlapping activity they both do. My mom loves the activity they both do (all of her children did it growing up) but has zero interest in DC’s other activity. She fawns all over her other grandchild about how they are doing in that activity but barely even acknowledges that my DC does it too. She flat out refuses to come to any events for DC’s other activity.

Also, it’s just very obvious in the way she treats her grandchildren that she very much favors the other one. It bugs the crap out of me, but my mom is a narcissist and I definitely was not the golden child, so it’s not surprising. It seems as if my childhood is playing out again with the grandchildren. Honestly, it’s very triggering for me and I’m exhausted after spending any time with all of together. My mom was in especially rare form over thanksgiving with her behavior. Having us all watch a video of other grandchild in their activity and giving us a play by play and then saying “isn’t Larlo just the best?” And showering them with praise and affection. I was upset by it but kept it to myself. I wasn’t even sure my DC noticed at the time how blatant it was.

Well, DC is apparently now old enough to catch on to the behavior. DC has obviously been stewing on this unbeknownst to me and just completely broke down over it. Sobbing, asking why grandma doesn’t like them as much as their cousin, why grandma doesn’t every come to their activities but goes to cousin’s etc.

None of what DC has observed is untrue and I fully understand why they feel the way they do. Definitely takes me back to my childhood. I’m not sure how to navigate this… I don’t want to dismiss their feelings but also don’t want to make things worse. Thoughts?

Cut her out of your life in anything more than the base interaction. Shes toxic. You know this- why would you want your DC to go through the same thing?

I agree. She is definitely toxic and can only have a bad impact on your child. Have you tried to talk to her about how her behavior makes you feel and how unfair it is for your child? If so, and she continues with this behavior, then you need to cut her off. There is nothing you can do to change her if she can't acknowledge how wrong this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is an a-hole and there is no reason to maintain a relationship between her and your child. How is this a question?

Agree! Unless your mother is willing to make any changes to her behavior, this relationship can only hurt you and your child.