DC upset about grandparent favoritism

[Anonymous]

My mom very obviously favors her other grandchild over my child. The grandkids are the same age. They have one overlapping activity and then my DC dies an additional activity. DC is not competitive in either. Other grandchild is competitive in the overlapping activity they both do. My mom loves the activity they both do (all of her children did it growing up) but has zero interest in DC’s other activity. She fawns all over her other grandchild about how they are doing in that activity but barely even acknowledges that my DC does it too. She flat out refuses to come to any events for DC’s other activity.

Also, it’s just very obvious in the way she treats her grandchildren that she very much favors the other one. It bugs the crap out of me, but my mom is a narcissist and I definitely was not the golden child, so it’s not surprising. It seems as if my childhood is playing out again with the grandchildren. Honestly, it’s very triggering for me and I’m exhausted after spending any time with all of together. My mom was in especially rare form over thanksgiving with her behavior. Having us all watch a video of other grandchild in their activity and giving us a play by play and then saying “isn’t Larlo just the best?” And showering them with praise and affection. I was upset by it but kept it to myself. I wasn’t even sure my DC noticed at the time how blatant it was.

Well, DC is apparently now old enough to catch on to the behavior. DC has obviously been stewing on this unbeknownst to me and just completely broke down over it. Sobbing, asking why grandma doesn’t like them as much as their cousin, why grandma doesn’t every come to their activities but goes to cousin’s etc.

None of what DC has observed is untrue and I fully understand why they feel the way they do. Definitely takes me back to my childhood. I’m not sure how to navigate this… I don’t want to dismiss their feelings but also don’t want to make things worse. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

How old is your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom very obviously favors her other grandchild over my child. The grandkids are the same age. They have one overlapping activity and then my DC dies an additional activity. DC is not competitive in either. Other grandchild is competitive in the overlapping activity they both do. My mom loves the activity they both do (all of her children did it growing up) but has zero interest in DC’s other activity. She fawns all over her other grandchild about how they are doing in that activity but barely even acknowledges that my DC does it too. She flat out refuses to come to any events for DC’s other activity.

Also, it’s just very obvious in the way she treats her grandchildren that she very much favors the other one. It bugs the crap out of me, but my mom is a narcissist and I definitely was not the golden child, so it’s not surprising. It seems as if my childhood is playing out again with the grandchildren. Honestly, it’s very triggering for me and I’m exhausted after spending any time with all of together. My mom was in especially rare form over thanksgiving with her behavior. Having us all watch a video of other grandchild in their activity and giving us a play by play and then saying “isn’t Larlo just the best?” And showering them with praise and affection. I was upset by it but kept it to myself. I wasn’t even sure my DC noticed at the time how blatant it was.

Well, DC is apparently now old enough to catch on to the behavior. DC has obviously been stewing on this unbeknownst to me and just completely broke down over it. Sobbing, asking why grandma doesn’t like them as much as their cousin, why grandma doesn’t every come to their activities but goes to cousin’s etc.

None of what DC has observed is untrue and I fully understand why they feel the way they do. Definitely takes me back to my childhood. I’m not sure how to navigate this… I don’t want to dismiss their feelings but also don’t want to make things worse. Thoughts?

Cut her out of your life in anything more than the base interaction. Shes toxic. You know this- why would you want your DC to go through the same thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

7

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom very obviously favors her other grandchild over my child. The grandkids are the same age. They have one overlapping activity and then my DC dies an additional activity. DC is not competitive in either. Other grandchild is competitive in the overlapping activity they both do. My mom loves the activity they both do (all of her children did it growing up) but has zero interest in DC’s other activity. She fawns all over her other grandchild about how they are doing in that activity but barely even acknowledges that my DC does it too. She flat out refuses to come to any events for DC’s other activity.

Also, it’s just very obvious in the way she treats her grandchildren that she very much favors the other one. It bugs the crap out of me, but my mom is a narcissist and I definitely was not the golden child, so it’s not surprising. It seems as if my childhood is playing out again with the grandchildren. Honestly, it’s very triggering for me and I’m exhausted after spending any time with all of together. My mom was in especially rare form over thanksgiving with her behavior. Having us all watch a video of other grandchild in their activity and giving us a play by play and then saying “isn’t Larlo just the best?” And showering them with praise and affection. I was upset by it but kept it to myself. I wasn’t even sure my DC noticed at the time how blatant it was.

Well, DC is apparently now old enough to catch on to the behavior. DC has obviously been stewing on this unbeknownst to me and just completely broke down over it. Sobbing, asking why grandma doesn’t like them as much as their cousin, why grandma doesn’t every come to their activities but goes to cousin’s etc.

None of what DC has observed is untrue and I fully understand why they feel the way they do. Definitely takes me back to my childhood. I’m not sure how to navigate this… I don’t want to dismiss their feelings but also don’t want to make things worse. Thoughts?

Cut her out of your life in anything more than the base interaction. Shes toxic. You know this- why would you want your DC to go through the same thing?

Yeah, this is your option if you don't think your mom would be receptive to a conversation about it.

As you are noticing, kids pick up on things sooner than you expect, but by the time she's ten you can start to have more of a (age-appropriate) conversation with your daughter about your childhood, which will hopefully mitigate any feelings of "why me?" when she can see its a generational thing...

[Anonymous]

I watch this with my parents in regards to my two siblings' kids. So uncomfortable to watch, so I hear you, OP. And I will add that it is Golden Child's kid who gets the attention and Non-golden child whose kids are ignored. I will note that because mom gets along so easily with golden child, it's also easier for mom with golden child's kid. Not that this excuses it, at all, but no one knows what to do about it, and golden child isn't about to attempt to lessen her own child's attention. And non-golden and mom always just butt heads.

[Anonymous]

What does your sibling say? My mom is a narcissist and I’m not the favored one, but my sibling caught on to the behavior. I would try to talk to your mom before cutting her out because it can be traumatic for people to see family relationships end abruptly (ask me how I know).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your sibling say? My mom is a narcissist and I’m not the favored one, but my sibling caught on to the behavior. I would try to talk to your mom before cutting her out because it can be traumatic for people to see family relationships end abruptly (ask me how I know).

Sorry to clarify, by “people” I mean “children.”

[Anonymous]

If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is an a-hole and there is no reason to maintain a relationship between her and your child. How is this a question?

[Anonymous]

Limit contact with your mother. You don’t have to cut her out of her life, but you can absolutely minimize your interactions with her and hers with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

I don’t think it’s fair to try to blame me for my mom’s behavior. I have tried to be as neutral as humanly possible in this situation. I sincerely would love for my DC to have the relationship with my mom that I didn’t get to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Limit contact with your mother. You don’t have to cut her out of her life, but you can absolutely minimize your interactions with her and hers with your child.

I do. I’m already pretty low contact with her as it is.

[Anonymous]

When I use to watch kids I saw all kinds of stuff. One morning one of my clients came crying saying her mom didn't want to watch the kids during her visit. Well from a outsiders view the kids were absolute brats made that way by the parents. In fact her dad told me he was surprised she got pregnant again after having "those two". Lack of good parenting, combined with poor parenting ruined those poor kids.

I don't know the situation, but I would first have a talk with your mom instead of stewing about it. She may always favor one child, but she needs to be careful how she conducts herself around your child. My parents favored my kids over the other grand-kids though they didn't show it. OP do it in a tactful way and hopefully it will be resolved. Your mom may not even intend to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your sibling say? My mom is a narcissist and I’m not the favored one, but my sibling caught on to the behavior. I would try to talk to your mom before cutting her out because it can be traumatic for people to see family relationships end abruptly (ask me how I know).

Sibling definitely knows/agrees mom is a narcissist and knows they are the golden child. We’ve talked at length about this. We have not talked about this playing into the grandchildren however.