DC upset about grandparent favoritism

[Anonymous]

OP, are your spouse's parents super involved with your child? I have seen a grandparent rave about another grandchild because they believe that grandchild isn't getting as much attention as mine.

This might not apply to you at all. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are your spouse's parents super involved with your child? I have seen a grandparent rave about another grandchild because they believe that grandchild isn't getting as much attention as mine.

This might not apply to you at all. Just a thought.

Both grandchildren have 2 sets of active grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom very obviously favors her other grandchild over my child. The grandkids are the same age. They have one overlapping activity and then my DC dies an additional activity. DC is not competitive in either. Other grandchild is competitive in the overlapping activity they both do. My mom loves the activity they both do (all of her children did it growing up) but has zero interest in DC’s other activity. She fawns all over her other grandchild about how they are doing in that activity but barely even acknowledges that my DC does it too. She flat out refuses to come to any events for DC’s other activity.

Also, it’s just very obvious in the way she treats her grandchildren that she very much favors the other one. It bugs the crap out of me, but my mom is a narcissist and I definitely was not the golden child, so it’s not surprising. It seems as if my childhood is playing out again with the grandchildren. Honestly, it’s very triggering for me and I’m exhausted after spending any time with all of together. My mom was in especially rare form over thanksgiving with her behavior. Having us all watch a video of other grandchild in their activity and giving us a play by play and then saying “isn’t Larlo just the best?” And showering them with praise and affection. I was upset by it but kept it to myself. I wasn’t even sure my DC noticed at the time how blatant it was.

Well, DC is apparently now old enough to catch on to the behavior. DC has obviously been stewing on this unbeknownst to me and just completely broke down over it. Sobbing, asking why grandma doesn’t like them as much as their cousin, why grandma doesn’t every come to their activities but goes to cousin’s etc.

None of what DC has observed is untrue and I fully understand why they feel the way they do. Definitely takes me back to my childhood. I’m not sure how to navigate this… I don’t want to dismiss their feelings but also don’t want to make things worse. Thoughts?

This is the opportunity to teach your DC that you dont need to maintain relationships with people that treat you poorly. Thats the conversation. Not friends, not family, not cousins, not romantic partners. You can absolutely say that it is okay to love someone from a distance if they hurt you. You dont have to sacrifice your self and psyche on the altar of love and/or family. Love- and family- is an active word not passive. If he/she has a good relationship with the other grandparents then the expectation is thats what those relationships are like. He/she can tell that the grandma is capable of it because she sees it being given to the other grandkid.

Stick up for your kid. Let grandma know it isnt acceptable. Figure out a way to make her mindful of the imbalance and remind her that you arent asking for fair/equal but that time spent with DC should not be spent talking about her other grandchildren. Ask DC wants she wants and how her relationship with your mother makes her feel. Ask her what you think you all should do - make it collaborative.

This is an opportunity to break that cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom very obviously favors her other grandchild over my child. The grandkids are the same age. They have one overlapping activity and then my DC dies an additional activity. DC is not competitive in either. Other grandchild is competitive in the overlapping activity they both do. My mom loves the activity they both do (all of her children did it growing up) but has zero interest in DC’s other activity. She fawns all over her other grandchild about how they are doing in that activity but barely even acknowledges that my DC does it too. She flat out refuses to come to any events for DC’s other activity.

Also, it’s just very obvious in the way she treats her grandchildren that she very much favors the other one. It bugs the crap out of me, but my mom is a narcissist and I definitely was not the golden child, so it’s not surprising. It seems as if my childhood is playing out again with the grandchildren. Honestly, it’s very triggering for me and I’m exhausted after spending any time with all of together. My mom was in especially rare form over thanksgiving with her behavior. Having us all watch a video of other grandchild in their activity and giving us a play by play and then saying “isn’t Larlo just the best?” And showering them with praise and affection. I was upset by it but kept it to myself. I wasn’t even sure my DC noticed at the time how blatant it was.

Well, DC is apparently now old enough to catch on to the behavior. DC has obviously been stewing on this unbeknownst to me and just completely broke down over it. Sobbing, asking why grandma doesn’t like them as much as their cousin, why grandma doesn’t every come to their activities but goes to cousin’s etc.

None of what DC has observed is untrue and I fully understand why they feel the way they do. Definitely takes me back to my childhood. I’m not sure how to navigate this… I don’t want to dismiss their feelings but also don’t want to make things worse. Thoughts?

This is the opportunity to teach your DC that you dont need to maintain relationships with people that treat you poorly. Thats the conversation. Not friends, not family, not cousins, not romantic partners. You can absolutely say that it is okay to love someone from a distance if they hurt you. You dont have to sacrifice your self and psyche on the altar of love and/or family. Love- and family- is an active word not passive. If he/she has a good relationship with the other grandparents then the expectation is thats what those relationships are like. He/she can tell that the grandma is capable of it because she sees it being given to the other grandkid.

Stick up for your kid. Let grandma know it isnt acceptable. Figure out a way to make her mindful of the imbalance and remind her that you arent asking for fair/equal but that time spent with DC should not be spent talking about her other grandchildren. Ask DC wants she wants and how her relationship with your mother makes her feel. Ask her what you think you all should do - make it collaborative.

This is an opportunity to break that cycle.

Do you suggest a sit down talk with my mom or just waiting till certain instances happen where she shows favoritism and calling her out in it then, in the moment? I kind of feel like the latter would be better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is an a-hole and there is no reason to maintain a relationship between her and your child. How is this a question?

Omg girl yes. This. Please. I am a 37 year old mom of three with extensive therapy due to my narcissistic mother. Get in therapy and discuss this. I’m happy to email you a burner email to chat more if you need a friend. You need to do some work, stop the inter generational trauma.

[Anonymous]

Again, please please please do the work to protect your child from this. Otherwise you are continuing the cycle. Please do the work. Its not okay it happened to you and not okay it’s happening to your child.

[Anonymous]

OP, so your child learns who her Grandparents are. She learns what they are like.

Story is told.

[Anonymous]

Stick up for your kid. Let grandma know it isnt acceptable. Figure out a way to make her mindful of the imbalance and remind her that you arent asking for fair/equal but that time spent with DC should not be spent talking about her other grandchildren. Ask DC wants she wants and how her relationship with your mother makes her feel. Ask her what you think you all should do - make it collaborative.

No. That's helicopter parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom very obviously favors her other grandchild over my child. The grandkids are the same age. They have one overlapping activity and then my DC dies an additional activity. DC is not competitive in either. Other grandchild is competitive in the overlapping activity they both do. My mom loves the activity they both do (all of her children did it growing up) but has zero interest in DC’s other activity. She fawns all over her other grandchild about how they are doing in that activity but barely even acknowledges that my DC does it too. She flat out refuses to come to any events for DC’s other activity.

Also, it’s just very obvious in the way she treats her grandchildren that she very much favors the other one. It bugs the crap out of me, but my mom is a narcissist and I definitely was not the golden child, so it’s not surprising. It seems as if my childhood is playing out again with the grandchildren. Honestly, it’s very triggering for me and I’m exhausted after spending any time with all of together. My mom was in especially rare form over thanksgiving with her behavior. Having us all watch a video of other grandchild in their activity and giving us a play by play and then saying “isn’t Larlo just the best?” And showering them with praise and affection. I was upset by it but kept it to myself. I wasn’t even sure my DC noticed at the time how blatant it was.

Well, DC is apparently now old enough to catch on to the behavior. DC has obviously been stewing on this unbeknownst to me and just completely broke down over it. Sobbing, asking why grandma doesn’t like them as much as their cousin, why grandma doesn’t every come to their activities but goes to cousin’s etc.

None of what DC has observed is untrue and I fully understand why they feel the way they do. Definitely takes me back to my childhood. I’m not sure how to navigate this… I don’t want to dismiss their feelings but also don’t want to make things worse. Thoughts?

This is the opportunity to teach your DC that you dont need to maintain relationships with people that treat you poorly. Thats the conversation. Not friends, not family, not cousins, not romantic partners. You can absolutely say that it is okay to love someone from a distance if they hurt you. You dont have to sacrifice your self and psyche on the altar of love and/or family. Love- and family- is an active word not passive. If he/she has a good relationship with the other grandparents then the expectation is thats what those relationships are like. He/she can tell that the grandma is capable of it because she sees it being given to the other grandkid.

Stick up for your kid. Let grandma know it isnt acceptable. Figure out a way to make her mindful of the imbalance and remind her that you arent asking for fair/equal but that time spent with DC should not be spent talking about her other grandchildren. Ask DC wants she wants and how her relationship with your mother makes her feel. Ask her what you think you all should do - make it collaborative.

This is an opportunity to break that cycle.


Louder for the people in the back. And x10000 for a girl. Do not raise another generation to believe that what your mother thinks, does, or says is worthy of their pain.

[Anonymous]

My parents are horrible with this. They tell my older son out loud for all to hear that he is their favorite. They completely ignore my younger son. They’re toxic in so many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Stick up for your kid. Let grandma know it isnt acceptable. Figure out a way to make her mindful of the imbalance and remind her that you arent asking for fair/equal but that time spent with DC should not be spent talking about her other grandchildren. Ask DC wants she wants and how her relationship with your mother makes her feel. Ask her what you think you all should do - make it collaborative.

No. That's helicopter parenting.

OP here… how is it helicopter parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

Simply not true. By that age it was easy to tell my grandparent preferred my brother. He was younger and the only male grandchild in the family. It baffles me as an adult how my parents just let it happen and didn’t say anything or acknowledge what was happening.

With my own children it is also blatantly obvious but my older child pulls no punches and outright calls her grandparents (my ILs) out when they get like this, bragging endlessly about one of her cousins while not acknowledging her in any way. I’d guess she was about 8 the first time she piped up when they were raving about how athletic her cousin is and told her it was fine she wasn’t because she was a girl. A girl who runs 5ks, does swim team, plays softball, etc. So just patently untrue statements from the grandparents.

OP here… I secretly would love for DC to call them out on it. I truly wonder how they’d respond.

Why? I’m wondering if it is bothering you more than it bothers your child. We grew up with my parents being upset at my grandfather for favoring my cousin. It really bothered my father and my parents would talk about how one particular cousin was the golden child and how my aunt’s kids were always favored. We really didn’t care. At all. We had other grandparents and relatives too. My parents brought this to our attention far more than any attention or lack of from our grandfather. He died many years ago, we are all adults and they still say how her parents put my cousin and her kids on a pedestal. Now I call my own parents out on how this is really about some deep sibling rivalry between my father and his sister.

The “kids” - my cousins, siblings and me, are all in our 40s. No animosity or anything between us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop focusing on your mom and her behavior and keep your focus on your kid and how you and/or a therapist can help them process what’s happening. You can’t fix your mom. You can empathize with your kid (that means validating her feelings, not dissecting your mom’s behavior) and help equip her to deal with it. I think a few therapy sessions would be a great idea, to help your kid understand why she’s feeling so crappy and to have some strategies for how to manage those feelings.

Something like,
“I know you’ve been upset about grandmom praising Larla so much and not being as supportive of you. It’s really hard for me, because I know how awesome you are and what great work you are doing in activities A&B, and it makes me feel mad at my mom because I don’t want anyone to ever make you feel bad about yourself, and because you deserve to feel proud about your hard work and joy participating in activities A&B. Grandmom is not the decider of who is good and who is bad.
It can be really hard to sort all of this out when it involves people who are close to us. Would you be willing to meet with a therapist a few times to talk about it? They may be better than me at helping you to process what is going on and figure out how to stay fair and kind to yourself.”

Do not say anything like this. I had to read it three times. It’s awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Stick up for your kid. Let grandma know it isnt acceptable. Figure out a way to make her mindful of the imbalance and remind her that you arent asking for fair/equal but that time spent with DC should not be spent talking about her other grandchildren. Ask DC wants she wants and how her relationship with your mother makes her feel. Ask her what you think you all should do - make it collaborative.

No. That's helicopter parenting.

OP here… how is it helicopter parenting?

It's not. The point of being collaborative is that you get your son or daughter to talk through it. They may have more problem solving skills then you give them credit for but at age 7 they still need to be assisted a little bit in lots of ways.

I'm not sure what the previous poster is talking about but I have a feeling the referencing talking to your own mother about her treatment of DC. That apparently 7 year old should feel comfortable talking to Grandma someone who is an adult and who in all normal social cultural interactions would be deferred to. As if talking to your own mother about her treatment of your child is somehow akin to calling a professor and asking about their grade when they are 20 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

Simply not true. By that age it was easy to tell my grandparent preferred my brother. He was younger and the only male grandchild in the family. It baffles me as an adult how my parents just let it happen and didn’t say anything or acknowledge what was happening.

With my own children it is also blatantly obvious but my older child pulls no punches and outright calls her grandparents (my ILs) out when they get like this, bragging endlessly about one of her cousins while not acknowledging her in any way. I’d guess she was about 8 the first time she piped up when they were raving about how athletic her cousin is and told her it was fine she wasn’t because she was a girl. A girl who runs 5ks, does swim team, plays softball, etc. So just patently untrue statements from the grandparents.

OP here… I secretly would love for DC to call them out on it. I truly wonder how they’d respond.

Why? I’m wondering if it is bothering you more than it bothers your child. We grew up with my parents being upset at my grandfather for favoring my cousin. It really bothered my father and my parents would talk about how one particular cousin was the golden child and how my aunt’s kids were always favored. We really didn’t care. At all. We had other grandparents and relatives too. My parents brought this to our attention far more than any attention or lack of from our grandfather. He died many years ago, we are all adults and they still say how her parents put my cousin and her kids on a pedestal. Now I call my own parents out on how this is really about some deep sibling rivalry between my father and his sister.

The “kids” - my cousins, siblings and me, are all in our 40s. No animosity or anything between us.

It bothers me a lot, for sure. But I’ve tried so so so hard to remain neutral. I personally think DC is of an age that can ask “why don’t you come to any of my X games?” I’d be so curious their reaction when they are put on the spot