DC upset about grandparent favoritism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I use to watch kids I saw all kinds of stuff. One morning one of my clients came crying saying her mom didn't want to watch the kids during her visit. Well from a outsiders view the kids were absolute brats made that way by the parents. In fact her dad told me he was surprised she got pregnant again after having "those two". Lack of good parenting, combined with poor parenting ruined those poor kids.

I don't know the situation, but I would first have a talk with your mom instead of stewing about it. She may always favor one child, but she needs to be careful how she conducts herself around your child. My parents favored my kids over the other grand-kids though they didn't show it. OP do it in a tactful way and hopefully it will be resolved. Your mom may not even intend to do it.

I’m not sure what you’re implying. My DC, while not perfect, is very well behaved, kind and smart. DC’s other grandparents adore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limit contact with your mother. You don’t have to cut her out of her life, but you can absolutely minimize your interactions with her and hers with your child.

I do. I’m already pretty low contact with her as it is.

I would just keep doing this-- it will get easier as your child ages. Activities, homework, friends will make it simple to forego time with your mom. If your child is extremely upset around your mother, I will cut off contact altogether --your mom sounds toxic, so I wouldn't get into any deep discussions about her behavior. I have some dysfunctional family members as well-- trying to get them to self-reflect has always made things so much worse (defensiveness, playing the victim, fake/theatric overcompensation that will hurt your child's feelings even more...).

[Anonymous]

You need to stop focusing on your mom and her behavior and keep your focus on your kid and how you and/or a therapist can help them process what’s happening. You can’t fix your mom. You can empathize with your kid (that means validating her feelings, not dissecting your mom’s behavior) and help equip her to deal with it. I think a few therapy sessions would be a great idea, to help your kid understand why she’s feeling so crappy and to have some strategies for how to manage those feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop focusing on your mom and her behavior and keep your focus on your kid and how you and/or a therapist can help them process what’s happening. You can’t fix your mom. You can empathize with your kid (that means validating her feelings, not dissecting your mom’s behavior) and help equip her to deal with it. I think a few therapy sessions would be a great idea, to help your kid understand why she’s feeling so crappy and to have some strategies for how to manage those feelings.

Something like,
“I know you’ve been upset about grandmom praising Larla so much and not being as supportive of you. It’s really hard for me, because I know how awesome you are and what great work you are doing in activities A&B, and it makes me feel mad at my mom because I don’t want anyone to ever make you feel bad about yourself, and because you deserve to feel proud about your hard work and joy participating in activities A&B. Grandmom is not the decider of who is good and who is bad.
It can be really hard to sort all of this out when it involves people who are close to us. Would you be willing to meet with a therapist a few times to talk about it? They may be better than me at helping you to process what is going on and figure out how to stay fair and kind to yourself.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

Uh ok. Grandma is still an a**hole though and contact should be limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I use to watch kids I saw all kinds of stuff. One morning one of my clients came crying saying her mom didn't want to watch the kids during her visit. Well from a outsiders view the kids were absolute brats made that way by the parents. In fact her dad told me he was surprised she got pregnant again after having "those two". Lack of good parenting, combined with poor parenting ruined those poor kids.

I don't know the situation, but I would first have a talk with your mom instead of stewing about it. She may always favor one child, but she needs to be careful how she conducts herself around your child. My parents favored my kids over the other grand-kids though they didn't show it. OP do it in a tactful way and hopefully it will be resolved. Your mom may not even intend to do it.

I’m not sure what you’re implying. My DC, while not perfect, is very well behaved, kind and smart. DC’s other grandparents adore them.

I was merely relating there are all kinds of circumstances out there. However, there's no reason to treat them differently no matter her feelings. At least talk to her and let us know what she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

Simply not true. By that age it was easy to tell my grandparent preferred my brother. He was younger and the only male grandchild in the family. It baffles me as an adult how my parents just let it happen and didn’t say anything or acknowledge what was happening.

With my own children it is also blatantly obvious but my older child pulls no punches and outright calls her grandparents (my ILs) out when they get like this, bragging endlessly about one of her cousins while not acknowledging her in any way. I’d guess she was about 8 the first time she piped up when they were raving about how athletic her cousin is and told her it was fine she wasn’t because she was a girl. A girl who runs 5ks, does swim team, plays softball, etc. So just patently untrue statements from the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

Simply not true. By that age it was easy to tell my grandparent preferred my brother. He was younger and the only male grandchild in the family. It baffles me as an adult how my parents just let it happen and didn’t say anything or acknowledge what was happening.

With my own children it is also blatantly obvious but my older child pulls no punches and outright calls her grandparents (my ILs) out when they get like this, bragging endlessly about one of her cousins while not acknowledging her in any way. I’d guess she was about 8 the first time she piped up when they were raving about how athletic her cousin is and told her it was fine she wasn’t because she was a girl. A girl who runs 5ks, does swim team, plays softball, etc. So just patently untrue statements from the grandparents.

OP here… I secretly would love for DC to call them out on it. I truly wonder how they’d respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 7 year old senses this much favoritism it's probably because she's sensing OP's frustration with her mother. It didn't happen organically.

Simply not true. By that age it was easy to tell my grandparent preferred my brother. He was younger and the only male grandchild in the family. It baffles me as an adult how my parents just let it happen and didn’t say anything or acknowledge what was happening.

With my own children it is also blatantly obvious but my older child pulls no punches and outright calls her grandparents (my ILs) out when they get like this, bragging endlessly about one of her cousins while not acknowledging her in any way. I’d guess she was about 8 the first time she piped up when they were raving about how athletic her cousin is and told her it was fine she wasn’t because she was a girl. A girl who runs 5ks, does swim team, plays softball, etc. So just patently untrue statements from the grandparents.

OP here… I secretly would love for DC to call them out on it. I truly wonder how they’d respond.

If they are anything like mine, not well. Ask me about the time they got her a legitimate baby toy (think rattles) for her 4th birthday and when we called to thank them for the gift they kept goading her to specifically tell them what she liked about the present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom very obviously favors her other grandchild over my child. The grandkids are the same age. They have one overlapping activity and then my DC dies an additional activity. DC is not competitive in either. Other grandchild is competitive in the overlapping activity they both do. My mom loves the activity they both do (all of her children did it growing up) but has zero interest in DC’s other activity. She fawns all over her other grandchild about how they are doing in that activity but barely even acknowledges that my DC does it too. She flat out refuses to come to any events for DC’s other activity.

Also, it’s just very obvious in the way she treats her grandchildren that she very much favors the other one. It bugs the crap out of me, but my mom is a narcissist and I definitely was not the golden child, so it’s not surprising. It seems as if my childhood is playing out again with the grandchildren. Honestly, it’s very triggering for me and I’m exhausted after spending any time with all of together. My mom was in especially rare form over thanksgiving with her behavior. Having us all watch a video of other grandchild in their activity and giving us a play by play and then saying “isn’t Larlo just the best?” And showering them with praise and affection. I was upset by it but kept it to myself. I wasn’t even sure my DC noticed at the time how blatant it was.

Well, DC is apparently now old enough to catch on to the behavior. DC has obviously been stewing on this unbeknownst to me and just completely broke down over it. Sobbing, asking why grandma doesn’t like them as much as their cousin, why grandma doesn’t every come to their activities but goes to cousin’s etc.

None of what DC has observed is untrue and I fully understand why they feel the way they do. Definitely takes me back to my childhood. I’m not sure how to navigate this… I don’t want to dismiss their feelings but also don’t want to make things worse. Thoughts?

Cut her out of your life in anything more than the base interaction. Shes toxic. You know this- why would you want your DC to go through the same thing?

This. PROTECT your kid.

And I'd absolutely ream her a new one and tell why.

[Anonymous]

Does you kid get along with your MIL? Do you? If so, then ghost your mom.

[Anonymous]

I think this is pretty crappy behavior. There's a petty part of me that would be tempted to tell mom about DC's amazing and wonderful experiences with his other grandma. How she attends both his activities when she can, and about the special, special bond they have.

But, of course that would be nonproductive and fuel the fire so probably not a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does you kid get along with your MIL? Do you? If so, then ghost your mom.

Yes and yes. DC adores my MIL. I also get along well with her. My ILs come to anything DC does. Like to a point of it almost being ridiculous, but considering DC knows the opposite, we very much appreciate my ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is pretty crappy behavior. There's a petty part of me that would be tempted to tell mom about DC's amazing and wonderful experiences with his other grandma. How she attends both his activities when she can, and about the special, special bond they have.

But, of course that would be nonproductive and fuel the fire so probably not a good idea.

I do tell them in a non petty way. I used to hide how involved my ILs are, but I’ve stopped hiding it because it’s not my job to protect my parents from their own messed up behavior. It’s always matter of fact. My mom will say “oh I saw you guys went out of town, did larlo come with?” “No, ILs watched larlo”. Same with activities. They like to claim we only invite ILs, but I’ll say “no one is invited. You know we have a game every Saturday, ILs ask if they can come and we said yes. If you’d like to come, you are more than welcome, please let me know. DC would like for you to come” They came once out of probably 40 times. ILs have come nearly every time (which is definitely not expected on our end) so it’s pretty disparate.

[Anonymous]

Tell them to ask Grandma directly. But also limit contact with her.