How to address family with different last names on holiday card?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reasoned enough to know the intents are never passive-aggressive or deliberately ignorant so I really don't care how the cards are addressed.

I have a sister who remarried while having custody of her children from the first marriage. The mother, stepfather and kids have different last names, all in one house.

I just send the cards and invitations to their house addressed to my sister and her second husband and inside the cards just write "Merry Christmas, everyone!"

This is a pretty naive view. When a MIL consistently uses your incorrect name, despite your husband having told her 10 years in a row, i think that's pretty clearly passive aggressive or deliberately ignorant. It's also a very, very common fact pattern, based on my circle of girlfriends who all kept their name.

Yes. We all know it's always the MIL's fault. And the MIL who is always passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting thread to me. My wife kept her last name and our kids have my last name. We address cards to "The [Majority Last Name] Family" with no slashes or hyphens (unless that's the actual last name). We sign our cards that way, and our return address labels read that way. My wife set this pattern years ago, and so I follow it when helping to address the cards.

We get cards addressed to the "The [Wife] Family", "The [Husband] Family", and all variations depending on whether the sender knows one or other other of us better. None of them bother any of us, and I'd never thought twice about it.

And, so, now I've thought twice about it and don't intend to think about it again.

You could be my friend. If so, I find it super obnoxious that you know my last name is Smith and you insist on always announcing us as the Jones family whenever we enter a room.

Because I suspect most people are not hypsersensitive or defensive about it. It may be a DCUM thing. What are you going to do? Agonize about it all day and build up a grudge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting thread to me. My wife kept her last name and our kids have my last name. We address cards to "The [Majority Last Name] Family" with no slashes or hyphens (unless that's the actual last name). We sign our cards that way, and our return address labels read that way. My wife set this pattern years ago, and so I follow it when helping to address the cards.

We get cards addressed to the "The [Wife] Family", "The [Husband] Family", and all variations depending on whether the sender knows one or other other of us better. None of them bother any of us, and I'd never thought twice about it.

And, so, now I've thought twice about it and don't intend to think about it again.

You could be my friend. If so, I find it super obnoxious that you know my last name is Smith and you insist on always announcing us as the Jones family whenever we enter a room.

Because I suspect most people are not hypsersensitive or defensive about it. It may be a DCUM thing. What are you going to do? Agonize about it all day and build up a grudge?

Honestly, I think it's ridiculous to think that it's okay to forget or intentionally call people by the wrong name and expect people whom you have known for 15 years to be okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smith Jones family or just get over yourself bc you are the Jones family. No one else in your family has Smith, and unfortunately our society has no good way of doing names that does not reinforce the patriarchy. You, yourself, even gave in and named your kids after their dad only. So, while it's great to keep your maiden name, asserting it on the Xmas card is unnecessary. No one will forget you are a strong, independent woman.

You know, I kind of felt the same way as you and didn’t give it a second thought. Then my gay BIL got married and suddenly nobody in the family had any problems writing out both partners last names on cards and invitations.

It’s misogyny, pure and simple.

If you’re so irritated with your friend’s name, then I suggest you solve this problem by simply not sending her a card. Respecting someone’s name is as basic as it gets. If you can’t do that, then you’re not actually friends.

When it's just a couple with no kids and different last names, it's easy to wrote both names. It's when there are kids and you trying to figure out what you put for The LASTNAME Family on the card that it gets tricky.

As for me, I kept my maiden name. I send all cards to families with two names as Smith/Jones Family. I would probably do Smith-Jones Family for the case of the dad that didn't hypenate. And I don't care how people address cards to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I forgot I have an even trickier one.

Mom and kids are hyphenated Smith-Jones. Dad just has his original last name Jones but didn't add the hyphen.

Is Smith/Jones still acceptable here? Or do I do the Smith-Jones Family with a hypen instead, but that sort of ignores dad?

In that case I do "Smith Jones Family" and allow them to either think the lack of hyphen was on purpose or by accident! Either way bases covered and no one really insulted.

I also privately think dad is a jerk for not just hyphenating his name like everyone else is. They all have to take his name but he can't add his wife's name? Come on, dude.

He might absolutely be a jerk. Sometimes there are other reasons, especially if you are in a licensed profession. It is a quagmire to try to sort through multiple names when you are licensed. I took my mother's last name after my divorce and *before* I received the first professional degree, so I didn't have to deal with that. What a relief.

I didn't go back to my maiden name because it is frequently misread as something antithetical to my profession, so that was a no-go, too. And of course you can live your personal life under a different name than your professional life, but that gets knotted up in some ways, too.

But yes, he might just be a jerk, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smith Jones family or just get over yourself bc you are the Jones family. No one else in your family has Smith, and unfortunately our society has no good way of doing names that does not reinforce the patriarchy. You, yourself, even gave in and named your kids after their dad only. So, while it's great to keep your maiden name, asserting it on the Xmas card is unnecessary. No one will forget you are a strong, independent woman.

You know, I kind of felt the same way as you and didn’t give it a second thought. Then my gay BIL got married and suddenly nobody in the family had any problems writing out both partners last names on cards and invitations.

It’s misogyny, pure and simple.

If you’re so irritated with your friend’s name, then I suggest you solve this problem by simply not sending her a card. Respecting someone’s name is as basic as it gets. If you can’t do that, then you’re not actually friends.

When it's just a couple with no kids and different last names, it's easy to wrote both names. It's when there are kids and you trying to figure out what you put for The LASTNAME Family on the card that it gets tricky.

As for me, I kept my maiden name. I send all cards to families with two names as Smith/Jones Family. I would probably do Smith-Jones Family for the case of the dad that didn't hypenate. And I don't care how people address cards to us.

If there are two (or more) last names in the family, **you should include those names on the card!**
Smith/Jones family, or
Smith Jones family, or
Smith-Jones Family

In our family, we have Smith, Jones, and the children are Smith-Jones. Don't leave my name off the card! I will find that annoying, with an exception: If you only really know Jones, like a work friend, then I'd be OK with you writing it to the Jones Family, or Mark Jones and Family. But if you know all of us well, don't erase the woman's last name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I forgot I have an even trickier one.

Mom and kids are hyphenated Smith-Jones. Dad just has his original last name Jones but didn't add the hyphen.

Is Smith/Jones still acceptable here? Or do I do the Smith-Jones Family with a hypen instead, but that sort of ignores dad?

In that case I do "Smith Jones Family" and allow them to either think the lack of hyphen was on purpose or by accident! Either way bases covered and no one really insulted.

I also privately think dad is a jerk for not just hyphenating his name like everyone else is. They all have to take his name but he can't add his wife's name? Come on, dude.

Lol, seriously.

To answer your question OP, we have the same set up as the family your'e asking about. I'm Larla Kim and DH and the kids are Larlo, Larlito and Larlita Park. I would do "Park/Kim family", but also, I personally am not offended by things addressed to "The Park Family" and in conversation I often refer to our family as "the Parks". The only thing that really annoys me is people who should know better (ie not strangers or people who only know me through my kids) straight up getting my last name wrong and directly calling me Larla Park. IMO as long as you don't do that you're good.

Same here. We mostly get the Park Family and I am fine with that.

[Anonymous]

I’m Larla Smith-Jones.

In a rush I made our card from the Jones family.

I honestly barely look at envelopes. Just rip them open and stick the photo cards on the wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reasoned enough to know the intents are never passive-aggressive or deliberately ignorant so I really don't care how the cards are addressed.

I have a sister who remarried while having custody of her children from the first marriage. The mother, stepfather and kids have different last names, all in one house.

I just send the cards and invitations to their house addressed to my sister and her second husband and inside the cards just write "Merry Christmas, everyone!"

We have 3 last names in our house. My neighbor addresses our Christmas cards to Leo (that’s the cat) and Family. Works perfectly!

I use pet names too. It’s fun.

[Anonymous]

Smith/Jones family

Very easy.

- someone who kept their own name

[Anonymous]

Wow. I kept my name and our kids have their dad's hyphenated last name, neither part of which is my last name. Think Jane Smith and David Johnson-Lewis.

I'm happy just to get a card addressed to someone besides only him or only to my MIL. It's the little things...like acknowledgement of my existence.

FWIW, I also don't care if people call me Mrs. Johnson-Lewis and find it hilarious when people call him Mr. Smith (he does not).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting thread to me. My wife kept her last name and our kids have my last name. We address cards to "The [Majority Last Name] Family" with no slashes or hyphens (unless that's the actual last name). We sign our cards that way, and our return address labels read that way. My wife set this pattern years ago, and so I follow it when helping to address the cards.

We get cards addressed to the "The [Wife] Family", "The [Husband] Family", and all variations depending on whether the sender knows one or other other of us better. None of them bother any of us, and I'd never thought twice about it.

And, so, now I've thought twice about it and don't intend to think about it again.

You could be my friend. If so, I find it super obnoxious that you know my last name is Smith and you insist on always announcing us as the Jones family whenever we enter a room.

1) Why would I ever announce your name as you enter a room?

2) Despite having a person with a different last name, we don't think of ourselves as the Smith/Jones family. We're the Jones family, even though one of us may have the last name Smith.

So we're referring to you in the same fashion we refer to ourselves. But we're not going to get all upset if you address us or our card in a different way. The same way I don't care (or even correct) people who call me Mr. Smith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I forgot I have an even trickier one.

Mom and kids are hyphenated Smith-Jones. Dad just has his original last name Jones but didn't add the hyphen.

Is Smith/Jones still acceptable here? Or do I do the Smith-Jones Family with a hypen instead, but that sort of ignores dad?

This is like my family, and we hyphenated specifically to blend our names and create our family surname.

We prefer Smith-Jones.

It does not erase DH; Jones is still listed.

[Anonymous]

I think I am a unicorn. I kept my maiden name but I also prefer , in a social,situation, such as Christmas cards, to be known socially as Mr. and Mrs.HisName LastName, and the HisLastName Family.

I will not get riled up at ALL with ANYthing written on our correspondence, however, people are nice enough to send us something? Thank you, and I appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I am a unicorn. I kept my maiden name but I also prefer , in a social,situation, such as Christmas cards, to be known socially as Mr. and Mrs.HisName LastName, and the HisLastName Family.

I will not get riled up at ALL with ANYthing written on our correspondence, however, people are nice enough to send us something? Thank you, and I appreciate it.

Can I ask you why you kept your maiden name then? I agree you might be unusual, though as people can see from this thread, there is a spectrum.

Keeping my name was very important to me when I got married, as was making sure my kids got both my name and DH's name. I'm not sensitive about it, but it's my name and I do correct people. If it had not mattered to me, I likely would have taken DH's name because it's easier in many ways.

I have even put up a general PSA on Facebook that if people are planning to send holiday cards, please address them to both my DH and I, and provided options for doing so. Early in my marriage I did get frustrated when so many people just assumed I'd taken his name and I hadn't, and then when our kids were born and people assumed they had only his name. I definitely made a point of letting people know at that time because if I was going to keep my name, I wanted people to use it.

When people get it wrong, I politely let them know what my name is and I do expect them to make a note of it and get it right the next time. If someone does it repeatedly, I also assume they are trying to make a statement about their opinion on my name, and I adjust my opinion of them accordingly.