How to address family with different last names on holiday card?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my family is set up and any of the options people have listed so far would be fine for me. I am not picky.

The only unacceptable option for me is to simply ignore the fact that I have a different name and do something like "The Jones Family" (if I"m the Smith) or "Mr. and Mrs. Jones and Family" or whatever. When I get stuff addressed that way, I do feel kind of erased.

Also, something a lot of people may not realize is that my kids have my last name, but as their middle names. So it's not actually accurate to say the kids all have their dad's name -- they may have their mom's name or another family name, it's just not their surname.

That doesn't count. Middle names are throwaway names. For all intents and purposes, the kids do not have your name.

NP. Lol, no. I go by my full name (first + middle + last) in all formal and professional situations specifically in order to honor my grandfather whose first name is my middle name.

does that mean I insist on getting Christmas cards addressed with my full name? no. but it's also not a "throwaway" just because you personally don't use yours.

Unless you introduce yourself as Hillary Rodham Clinton each and every time you use your name, your name is Hillary Clinton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reasoned enough to know the intents are never passive-aggressive or deliberately ignorant so I really don't care how the cards are addressed.

I have a sister who remarried while having custody of her children from the first marriage. The mother, stepfather and kids have different last names, all in one house.

I just send the cards and invitations to their house addressed to my sister and her second husband and inside the cards just write "Merry Christmas, everyone!"

We have 3 last names in our house. My neighbor addresses our Christmas cards to Leo (that’s the cat) and Family. Works perfectly!

[Anonymous]

I get that a lot of women who hyphenate or kept their name when they married are like “it’s fine, I don’t care.” This is a fine attitude.

But also: some women who kept their names are very bothered by being misnamed, and that’s okay too. It’s their name. It’s reasonable to expect loved ones to know what your name is.

I mean, if my name is Alice but friends and family consistently addressed me as Laura in correspondence, it would bother me. If I took my DH’s name when married, then divorced and changed back to my original name, I’d expect people close to me to call me by the name I’d chosen once I’d let them know. If I was trans and changed my name as part of my transition, I’d expect people to use my chosen name and pronouns. None of this is unreasonable. If you are u sure what someone’s name is, ask (politely).

It’s nice to be forgiving and easy going about this, but also consider that it’s polite to call people by their actual names and not whatever name you’ve decided they should have.

[Anonymous]

Mary, John and family. No big whoop!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that a lot of women who hyphenate or kept their name when they married are like “it’s fine, I don’t care.” This is a fine attitude.

But also: some women who kept their names are very bothered by being misnamed, and that’s okay too. It’s their name. It’s reasonable to expect loved ones to know what your name is.

I mean, if my name is Alice but friends and family consistently addressed me as Laura in correspondence, it would bother me. If I took my DH’s name when married, then divorced and changed back to my original name, I’d expect people close to me to call me by the name I’d chosen once I’d let them know. If I was trans and changed my name as part of my transition, I’d expect people to use my chosen name and pronouns. None of this is unreasonable. If you are u sure what someone’s name is, ask (politely).

It’s nice to be forgiving and easy going about this, but also consider that it’s polite to call people by their actual names and not whatever name you’ve decided they should have.

There is a virtue in being relaxed. I'm sure it's annoying, but it is also other people too. We can't control what other people do just for us nor can we expect to get everything we want, all the time.

I have a first name I never use as it's a rare and ancient Biblical name that is a longstanding family tradition. I have always gone by the middle name from the day I was born. I also have a last name that is often difficult to spell. As you can imagine I get letters and correspondence that misspell / misuse my "real" name all the time. It's not worth getting being bothered by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that a lot of women who hyphenate or kept their name when they married are like “it’s fine, I don’t care.” This is a fine attitude.

But also: some women who kept their names are very bothered by being misnamed, and that’s okay too. It’s their name. It’s reasonable to expect loved ones to know what your name is.

I mean, if my name is Alice but friends and family consistently addressed me as Laura in correspondence, it would bother me. If I took my DH’s name when married, then divorced and changed back to my original name, I’d expect people close to me to call me by the name I’d chosen once I’d let them know. If I was trans and changed my name as part of my transition, I’d expect people to use my chosen name and pronouns. None of this is unreasonable. If you are u sure what someone’s name is, ask (politely).

It’s nice to be forgiving and easy going about this, but also consider that it’s polite to call people by their actual names and not whatever name you’ve decided they should have.

There is a virtue in being relaxed. I'm sure it's annoying, but it is also other people too. We can't control what other people do just for us nor can we expect to get everything we want, all the time.

I have a first name I never use as it's a rare and ancient Biblical name that is a longstanding family tradition. I have always gone by the middle name from the day I was born. I also have a last name that is often difficult to spell. As you can imagine I get letters and correspondence that misspell / misuse my "real" name all the time. It's not worth getting being bothered by it.

DP, but I think there’s a difference between the situations you describe (mostly strangers making mistakes about two difficult names) vs. people who *should* know you well enough to know your actual name not using it. I have a weird, difficult to spell and pronounce last name, and never get bothered when people struggle with it. The friend who didn’t take her spouse’s last name and STILL calls me by the last name I also didn’t take? That’s annoying.

FWIW, I’m rarely close with people who are that inattentive to detail. It’s not that hard. And if it is that hard for you to remember, ask.

[Anonymous]

We are a family like this. We hyphenate on our return label even if no one actually has a hyphenated name. The slash or vertical straight line seems to separate the family visually. We are the Smith-Jones family, just some of us are Smith and some Jones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reasoned enough to know the intents are never passive-aggressive or deliberately ignorant so I really don't care how the cards are addressed.

I have a sister who remarried while having custody of her children from the first marriage. The mother, stepfather and kids have different last names, all in one house.

I just send the cards and invitations to their house addressed to my sister and her second husband and inside the cards just write "Merry Christmas, everyone!"

This is a pretty naive view. When a MIL consistently uses your incorrect name, despite your husband having told her 10 years in a row, i think that's pretty clearly passive aggressive or deliberately ignorant. It's also a very, very common fact pattern, based on my circle of girlfriends who all kept their name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how my family is set up and any of the options people have listed so far would be fine for me. I am not picky.

The only unacceptable option for me is to simply ignore the fact that I have a different name and do something like "The Jones Family" (if I"m the Smith) or "Mr. and Mrs. Jones and Family" or whatever. When I get stuff addressed that way, I do feel kind of erased.

Also, something a lot of people may not realize is that my kids have my last name, but as their middle names. So it's not actually accurate to say the kids all have their dad's name -- they may have their mom's name or another family name, it's just not their surname.

I am in the same position. We have family friends - close, who have known us forever. The husband and wife have different last names. We have different last names, and they def know this. Yet every.single.time the husband greets us as "The Husbandslastname family." It's so done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too much drama. My brother in law (wife’s brother) has a kooky wife who hyphenated her last name. Think

John Smith and Ann Smith-Jones.

What did I do with that? I just written the Smith Family in envelope and first names inside

I bet she just loves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smith Jones family or just get over yourself bc you are the Jones family. No one else in your family has Smith, and unfortunately our society has no good way of doing names that does not reinforce the patriarchy. You, yourself, even gave in and named your kids after their dad only. So, while it's great to keep your maiden name, asserting it on the Xmas card is unnecessary. No one will forget you are a strong, independent woman.

You know, I kind of felt the same way as you and didn’t give it a second thought. Then my gay BIL got married and suddenly nobody in the family had any problems writing out both partners last names on cards and invitations.

It’s misogyny, pure and simple.

If you’re so irritated with your friend’s name, then I suggest you solve this problem by simply not sending her a card. Respecting someone’s name is as basic as it gets. If you can’t do that, then you’re not actually friends.

!00% the above, except I always knew it was misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^I am PP who people think is a jerk. Yes, on other people's cards I do include the mom's name if I know she has not changed it. I am definitely not losing sleep over it and feel like when tremendous effort has been made by a card sender/creator to assert the mom's name as well, it just feels a little dramatic.

I know, it's so rude of people to want to be called by their names, given how much trouble a card is to send , they should just let you call them whenever you want!

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting thread to me. My wife kept her last name and our kids have my last name. We address cards to "The [Majority Last Name] Family" with no slashes or hyphens (unless that's the actual last name). We sign our cards that way, and our return address labels read that way. My wife set this pattern years ago, and so I follow it when helping to address the cards.

We get cards addressed to the "The [Wife] Family", "The [Husband] Family", and all variations depending on whether the sender knows one or other other of us better. None of them bother any of us, and I'd never thought twice about it.

And, so, now I've thought twice about it and don't intend to think about it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting thread to me. My wife kept her last name and our kids have my last name. We address cards to "The [Majority Last Name] Family" with no slashes or hyphens (unless that's the actual last name). We sign our cards that way, and our return address labels read that way. My wife set this pattern years ago, and so I follow it when helping to address the cards.

We get cards addressed to the "The [Wife] Family", "The [Husband] Family", and all variations depending on whether the sender knows one or other other of us better. None of them bother any of us, and I'd never thought twice about it.

And, so, now I've thought twice about it and don't intend to think about it again.

You could be my friend. If so, I find it super obnoxious that you know my last name is Smith and you insist on always announcing us as the Jones family whenever we enter a room.

[Anonymous]

I have received a few cards from families like this and I've noticed their return labels tend to say: Smith/Jones. So I would just say The Smith/Jones Family.