What is a "normal" amount of drinking for a mid-30's/early 40's parent?

[Anonymous]

"I think the bolded goes too far, both in characterizing many of the drinkers OP describes as being dependent on alcohol and also in their intentionality in organizing these situations. It sounds like most people the OP describes drink more heavily than is healthy, and that's absolutely normalized in our culture, more than it should be. Probably some of them do have alcohol use disorder. But I think it's more likely a mix of heavy drinkers who like to drink (and, hence, do it at any opportunity) and the aspect of parenting culture that emphasizes alcohol as a way to cope with stress."

You don't understand alcoholism, then. A major theme is creating situations where alcohol will be around, making sure that it happens one way or another. I'm not saying that most people in the group are doing this - many are just sucked into the fun or social pressure. But I bet $$$ that the folks suggesting the drinking or taking the lead bringing the alcohol are doing a lot more drinking at other times, hiding it, and struggling with it.

And no, bringing alcohol with you to soccer games or to take your kids to the park is not "normal." Every once in a while for a celebration or some other reason? Sure. But not on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

I am 39 and rarely drink these days. If I go out to dinner with friends or am on a date with DH I have a drink. Max 2 and that will get me drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I think the bolded goes too far, both in characterizing many of the drinkers OP describes as being dependent on alcohol and also in their intentionality in organizing these situations. It sounds like most people the OP describes drink more heavily than is healthy, and that's absolutely normalized in our culture, more than it should be. Probably some of them do have alcohol use disorder. But I think it's more likely a mix of heavy drinkers who like to drink (and, hence, do it at any opportunity) and the aspect of parenting culture that emphasizes alcohol as a way to cope with stress."

You don't understand alcoholism, then. A major theme is creating situations where alcohol will be around, making sure that it happens one way or another. I'm not saying that most people in the group are doing this - many are just sucked into the fun or social pressure. But I bet $$$ that the folks suggesting the drinking or taking the lead bringing the alcohol are doing a lot more drinking at other times, hiding it, and struggling with it.

And no, bringing alcohol with you to soccer games or to take your kids to the park is not "normal." Every once in a while for a celebration or some other reason? Sure. But not on a regular basis.

LOL! I'm the PP you're quoting, and I'm a health professional who *treats* addiction. You're misinterpreting my post, deliberately or not. Where did I say that it's "normal" to bring alcohol to soccer games or when taking your kids to the park? I didn't. I literally agreed with you that probably some of these people have AUD. You need to ask yourself why you're so worked up about a post from someone who was mostly agreeing with you, if not on everything.

Frankly, I found your post judgmental. You didn't need to bring in all the stigma and shame associated with addiction. The OP was asking about typical levels of drinking, and most people on this thread said, no, not typical. There's no need to speculate about the health conditions of the people in these social settings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One massive red flag in parenting drinking culture for me is the implication that we have to drink in order to survive a child-focused activity. Like I think nothing of people having a drink at a nighttime event (like trick or treating or a neighborhood hang out) because that's a normal time to drink alcohol and a typical social setting for drinking. But I feel like when people are breaking out the pinot in the middle of the day at a kid's sporting event or birthday party in a park, it's time to take a step back. Yes, kids can be a lot but we all signed up for this willingly. I don't need a glass of wine simply to survive a kid's soccer tournament.

I think often what is happening is people are actually stressed about the social aspects of gathering with other parents (all the small top, sometimes competitive parents who can be anxiety inducing) and drink to handle that. I've found the better choice is to just be okay with not talking to people or bowing out early if the social stuff is driving me crazy. I have gotten really good at smiling at some intense parent who needs to detail their kids travel soccer training routine for approximately 3 minutes and then finding an excuse to get tf away from them. Kids are a super useful excuse "oh, Larla likes to wander, I better check on her -- great talking to you!" No alcohol needed.

Yes, this is a good observation. In my non-parent life, I LOATHE "friend group" type activities. I like to have close friends who I see often and feel very comfortable with. If I had to be in a big group all the time and alcohol was available, I'd probably take it.

[Anonymous]

Weird, DH and I were talking about this earlier today. I think the pandemic has exacerbated the functional alcoholism in UMC neighborhoods since people are generally home more. We definitely notice it in ours...Halloween, cornhole tournaments, book clubs, firepit parties, even kids backyard bday parties all seem to be hyperfocused on adult beverages. It's the "wine mom" meme in action. DH was saying he realized his regular golf outing is basically an excuse to drink all day. Neither of us are huge drinkers and are both prone to terrible hangovers so we tend to limit ourselves to 1-2 drinks a few nights a week if that. We like edibles but I don't consider those to be a great social lubricant so mostly a me and DH thing.

PP who talked about people thinking they need alcohol to have a common thread and manage at social events is probably right. If you can drink frequently and be fine the next day, more power to you. I don't see people get super sloppy that often but it's more the moderate amount on such a frequent basis that surprises me. I'm sure it leads to issues for people with risk factors.

[Anonymous]

We are early-mid 30s parents of two kids under 5yo. We typically have a bottle of wine per week (1 glass each with dinner Fri and Sat nights). When with friends or holidays we have maybe 1-3 beers each.

We did have hot cocoa with baileys while we trick or treated with the kids and neighbors this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird, DH and I were talking about this earlier today. I think the pandemic has exacerbated the functional alcoholism in UMC neighborhoods since people are generally home more. We definitely notice it in ours...Halloween, cornhole tournaments, book clubs, firepit parties, even kids backyard bday parties all seem to be hyperfocused on adult beverages. It's the "wine mom" meme in action. DH was saying he realized his regular golf outing is basically an excuse to drink all day. Neither of us are huge drinkers and are both prone to terrible hangovers so we tend to limit ourselves to 1-2 drinks a few nights a week if that. We like edibles but I don't consider those to be a great social lubricant so mostly a me and DH thing.

PP who talked about people thinking they need alcohol to have a common thread and manage at social events is probably right. If you can drink frequently and be fine the next day, more power to you. I don't see people get super sloppy that often but it's more the moderate amount on such a frequent basis that surprises me. I'm sure it leads to issues for people with risk factors.

I agree. It's not that people are getting plastered on a regular basis (indeed, the dad who showed up to the kids' soccer game noticeably impaired got a lot of side-eye), but they are drinking all the time. And rarely just one drink. And alcohol is very often the topic of conversation or otherwise a focal point. I grew up more MC, and people drank at parties, and maybe at the beach, but not most nights at dinner, and not at daytime events, and certainly not at children's events. You'd have a drink in the clubhouse after a round of golf; you wouldn't drink while taking your kids trick-or-treating, which I see all the time in my neighborhood.