What is a "normal" amount of drinking for a mid-30's/early 40's parent?

[Anonymous]

I've never been a big drinker and didn't go to a "frat party" type of college. I also grew up in a fairly religious household, so my parents never had a beer after work or a glass of wine with dinner or a bourbon to take the edge off. All that to say, I feel like I don't have a frame of reference for what is normal.

My spouse and I have started hanging out with a new group of parent friends where everything we do seems to revolve around drinking. Trick or treating. Drinking. Afternoon kids soccer game. Drinking. Meet up in the park. Drinking. Hanging out in someone's backyard for the evening. LOTS of drinking. And lots of talk about craft beers and different types of bourbon and mixed drinks. And it feels college-like with people almost bragging about how much they drank the night before or telling exploits of drinking. It's very strange to me.

No one is what I would consider sloppy drunk (like in college... I'd define as puking on the side of the road or dancing on top of a bar, etc.) or is doing anything dangerous (like driving drunk with the kids). But it's definitely more than just nursing one drink for the evening. I just don't understand how they have the stamina to have multiple drinks in one night and then wake up with the kids in the morning and not feel like crap.

Can someone explain this to me?

[Anonymous]

They just like to drink. I didn’t grow up in a religious home and there was alcohol around all the time. Nobody was ever drunk. DH and I decided not to drink at all when the pandemic started. Felt like it could be a slippery slope to drinking too much. Now we have a drink on Friday nights. When we used to host guests for dinners or parties we always had alcohol among the other drinks.

[Anonymous]

I think 2-3 drinks/week is normal. But there are many heavy drinkers out there. It is not good.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm.

It does sound like a lot of drinking. I'm not one to talk, but I have to say I've never encountered drinking during trick or treating, soccer games, or taking kids to the park.

Guaranteed there's one (or more) problem drinkers in the group. As long as it's not interfering with your life or parenting I'd just chill as long as you enjoy their company.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's always been a WASPy thing (not exclusive to, but more common among) and thus then became a bit more of a status thing among others... and with greater equality for women, you see it more and more among women than you used to-- so it's a whole social thing. (I know I'm saying "thing" a lot, so sue me.)

Alcohol being the substance it is, it can easily (if slowly) increase over time, to the point that many people are considered clinically heavy drinkers while they feel like they are fine, NBD, "1-2 glasses of wine per night + more on weekends." But even at that level, there are a ton of lower level negative effects, and a brain dependency. It's just a fact.

And that's with the actual, standard 4-5 oz glass of wine, or 12 oz of Corona = 1 drink. For many people, that's not at all what they're considering one drink.

DCUM likes to act like this is totally fine, but it's like a lot of things that are common, but maybe not so "fine." This is why I loathe the phrase "everything in moderation." When many around you drink more heavily than you, you may think that 8 drinks/week is moderation, but for a woman, medically-speaking, it's not. And while I am all about challenging what medicine says-- sometimes it's pretty baseless, like the definition of "obesity"-- there really is more good than harm done at that level, to the average person, especially over time. Smoking only a few cigarettes a day was considered "moderation" in the 1950s, but now it's not considered extreme never to smoke at all. Moderation is pretty meaningless as a concept, at least the way it's commonly used.

DCUM will call me an uptight teetotaler (I'm not) who should mind my own business (but I'm not minding anyone's business). Once I observed, after cutting down on my own problematic drinking, that people were drinking as many as 3-4 drinks at a midweek volunteer meeting. I was told "YOU must have a drinking problem if you noticed that!!! Look at YOURSELF and leave other people alone!!" Like, yeah, no kidding, I do have a drinking problem. Is that supposed to be an insult? You must have a problem of some kind if you're threatened by this observation.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a lot. One drink or two when at my house or whatever. But not at a kids event or trick or treating. And we like wine and to drink at adult events and birthdays etc. but those are special occasions and im not supervising my kids or anyoen elses.

[Anonymous]

I don't know - I drink at most of the occasions you mentioned - except not at afternoon soccer games. But yes to neighborhood friends in evening, yes at Halloween, yes to girls come over and sit by my fire pit and have glass of wine, yes to book club that involves wine and in my circle, guys drink even more.

But these are still occasional events - most of the week I drink nothing so when I'm out with friends maybe it seems like I drink all the time?

[Anonymous]

The alcoholics will all tend to congregate together, since the alternative would make them realize they drink too much.

And yes, some people on DCUM will spam such threads and asserts that alcoholism is a made-up disease, that drinking in such quantities is FINE, that we're the boring weirdos with issues... I've been on DCUM for many years and seen it all

So. It's too much drinking. Just leave this group. They're not going to be good for you.

[Anonymous]

We had to drop out of a large group like this because we saw some problematic things going on at parties. Kids were oblivious to it because they were young, but I wanted to break ties before the kids got old enough to notice.

Nobody is going to be able to tell you if this is "normal". If you feel uncomfortable at these gatherings, I would just stop going to them. You don't have to break ties in a dramatic way. Just make polite excuses. Don't tell them you aren't coming because they drink to much (too judgey).

While we don't socialize with this large group anymore, I am still friends with most of them and will plan dinners out and that kind of thing with individual families.

[Anonymous]

I pretty much never drink at home but I enjoy drinking at social events. If these events are only occurring a few times a month I’d like that people are drinking and hanging out, it sounds fun to me. I probably would feel a little tired the next day but it’s not like I’d be getting plastered and staying up until 2 so it would be manageable for me, even with young kids waking up early.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a lot. I’m in my early 50s with kids in college and high school. Probably about 10 years ahead of you. We’ve done everything you mentioned:

—hang out in the park: No alcohol ever
—soccer games: No alcohol ever
—hang out in backyard for bbq: Yes alcohol
—Trick or Treating: No alcohol ever

[Anonymous]

Some of our neighbors were serving spiked cider for adults on Halloween night. I thought it was a lot of fun to chat and have a couple drinks. That said, I only drink socially and fairly rarely and I don’t have any drinking problems myself so I’m not that sensitive to noticing them in other people.

I think some people are alcoholics but I also think some people just like to drink with their friends occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never been a big drinker and didn't go to a "frat party" type of college. I also grew up in a fairly religious household, so my parents never had a beer after work or a glass of wine with dinner or a bourbon to take the edge off. All that to say, I feel like I don't have a frame of reference for what is normal.

My spouse and I have started hanging out with a new group of parent friends where everything we do seems to revolve around drinking. Trick or treating. Drinking. Afternoon kids soccer game. Drinking. Meet up in the park. Drinking. Hanging out in someone's backyard for the evening. LOTS of drinking. And lots of talk about craft beers and different types of bourbon and mixed drinks. And it feels college-like with people almost bragging about how much they drank the night before or telling exploits of drinking. It's very strange to me.

No one is what I would consider sloppy drunk (like in college... I'd define as puking on the side of the road or dancing on top of a bar, etc.) or is doing anything dangerous (like driving drunk with the kids). But it's definitely more than just nursing one drink for the evening. I just don't understand how they have the stamina to have multiple drinks in one night and then wake up with the kids in the morning and not feel like crap.

Can someone explain this to me?

Some people like getting tipsy with friends. It can be fun way to let loose. Personally, I would not blink an eye at someone having a few drinks with friends once a week. If this isn’t fun to you, though, that’s fine. You can always stay sober or not attend, no big deal.

[Anonymous]

I’m a mid 30s mom and I go out for dinner and drinks 2-3 times a month with my girlfriends. The situation you described doesn’t sound alarming to me. It seems like everyone is behaving appropriately and responsibly.

I mean, what, everyone’s getting together once a week to hang out and have a couple drinks? Personally, I don’t view this as problem drinking unless there is more going on than what you described.

[Anonymous]

I'd say it's not so much that all of those events feature drinking but more how close together these events are - and what the weekly drinking totals end up looking like. What you describes seems a little heavy to me, but not by a lot.

Ten drinks, strung out over the course of a week, doesn't strike me as a lot. Much more than that, and I'd see some red flags going up.