What is a "normal" amount of drinking for a mid-30's/early 40's parent?

[Anonymous]

Drinking at public parks and soccer games seems odd to me. At a party, fire pit gathering or even ToT (which is basically a party in our neighborhood). normal to have alcohol served.
Then again, there was a thread by a mom who accidentally got drunk and threw up at a new neiigjborhs party and one person said her friend group regularly got drunk and vomited—I said any mom group where people are regularly getting drunk to the point of vomiting had a problem and people seemed to disagree with me. So….I guess some people have different standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No doubt, alcohol is a key feature at nearly any and every social gathering among my peers. I think there is a lot of alcohol abuse in upper middle class circles. My neighborhood is full of this - functional alcoholics. I used to partake until my husband went off the deep end and became abusive. The alcohol played a role, for sure. This turned me against it - I won't be judgey per se, but I have no interest in it anymore.

This. I live in a wealthy suburb of Boston & am astonished by the amount of drinking.

I volunteer for a sorority type non profit and they drink A LOT. Some with kids, some without.

My MIL who grew up in New England UMC is now a drunk. She wasn’t when my husband was growing up. Her and my FIL would have parties, social and had great careers. DH and I limit our drinks to once every few months. It’s fine for a lot in their 30s and 40s but know that some of those WILL turn into drunks. It’s just fact. Not all, but yes some.

[Anonymous]

I think the meet up at the park and afternoon soccer game drinking is too much, but otherwise a daily glass of wine or social drinking (including evening back yard meet ups and holidays like trick or treating) is within the normal range for sure.

[Anonymous]

If you have to ask . . ..

[Anonymous]

One massive red flag in parenting drinking culture for me is the implication that we have to drink in order to survive a child-focused activity. Like I think nothing of people having a drink at a nighttime event (like trick or treating or a neighborhood hang out) because that's a normal time to drink alcohol and a typical social setting for drinking. But I feel like when people are breaking out the pinot in the middle of the day at a kid's sporting event or birthday party in a park, it's time to take a step back. Yes, kids can be a lot but we all signed up for this willingly. I don't need a glass of wine simply to survive a kid's soccer tournament.

I think often what is happening is people are actually stressed about the social aspects of gathering with other parents (all the small top, sometimes competitive parents who can be anxiety inducing) and drink to handle that. I've found the better choice is to just be okay with not talking to people or bowing out early if the social stuff is driving me crazy. I have gotten really good at smiling at some intense parent who needs to detail their kids travel soccer training routine for approximately 3 minutes and then finding an excuse to get tf away from them. Kids are a super useful excuse "oh, Larla likes to wander, I better check on her -- great talking to you!" No alcohol needed.

[Anonymous]

There are an amazing number of functional alcoholics. If you in the MC/UMC professional circles, a LOT of people drink very frequently. Happy hour, dinners, brunches, weekend or evening outings, movies, etc. etc. I'm someone who has admittedly consumed too much alcohol from age 20-40. I've severely cut back, like to maybe 2-3 drinks twice a week. But I almost feel as if I cannot attend most social occasions with UMC people because there is always alcohol and the expectation of "drink or you're not having fun". At 40 years old I am too old for that. I love to go on wild vacations, party, dance, go to concerts, etc. but I do not need 5 drinks each occasion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drinking at public parks and soccer games seems odd to me. At a party, fire pit gathering or even ToT (which is basically a party in our neighborhood). normal to have alcohol served.
Then again, there was a thread by a mom who accidentally got drunk and threw up at a new neiigjborhs party and one person said her friend group regularly got drunk and vomited—I said any mom group where people are regularly getting drunk to the point of vomiting had a problem and people seemed to disagree with me. So….I guess some people have different standards.

If they are vomiting they will be drunks and those are their friends. That’s not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 40 and my husband is 47. Some of our friends drink more than us. We drink as much as we want and we our friends drink as much as they want. It doesn’t bother us what other people do.

+1. People really like going through their own baggage around drinking on dcum. What OP described sounds like responsible drinking. Some people drink more or less than I do, they can do what they like and I’ll do what I like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never been a big drinker and didn't go to a "frat party" type of college. I also grew up in a fairly religious household, so my parents never had a beer after work or a glass of wine with dinner or a bourbon to take the edge off. All that to say, I feel like I don't have a frame of reference for what is normal.

My spouse and I have started hanging out with a new group of parent friends where everything we do seems to revolve around drinking. Trick or treating. Drinking. Afternoon kids soccer game. Drinking. Meet up in the park. Drinking. Hanging out in someone's backyard for the evening. LOTS of drinking. And lots of talk about craft beers and different types of bourbon and mixed drinks. And it feels college-like with people almost bragging about how much they drank the night before or telling exploits of drinking. It's very strange to me.

No one is what I would consider sloppy drunk (like in college... I'd define as puking on the side of the road or dancing on top of a bar, etc.) or is doing anything dangerous (like driving drunk with the kids). But it's definitely more than just nursing one drink for the evening. I just don't understand how they have the stamina to have multiple drinks in one night and then wake up with the kids in the morning and not feel like crap.

Can someone explain this to me?

More than one drink all night? The horror. I can easily drink a few drinks over the course of a social event and feel fine the next day. I make sure to eat, drink water, and not go to bed too late. If you feel uncomfortable being around drinking, maybe these aren’t the friends for you.

[Anonymous]

This is going to be a tough place to find balanced advice because this kind of social drinking is super common, and probably more common among the DCUM higher SES demographic.

We have a middle schooler and have encountered it, and frankly, I find it weird and lacking in judgement and juvenile and kind of gross. And I say this as someone who has a drink probably every other night (sometimes two), has friends into winemaking, and have bought a drinking-related advent calendar or two (which is novel but goes largely unused or given away to friends to share). I also say it as an adult who 1.) does not get drunk, 2.) doesn't drink at soccer games or kid parties (or Halloween, but I concede I can see the novelty in carrying around some spiced cider in an easy to walk neighborhood) and 3.) doesn't have friends who make alcohol a big thing.

If you find this distasteful or weird or wrong, that's totally normal and valid. But it may make you seem like the odd narc out among this particular group. My advice would be to distance yourself over time (find a NEW soccer team...there are plenty...this is NOT common among soccer teams, and I've seen a beer or two at a tournament but as a regular thing it's just really weird).

If you think drinking is for adults, in moderation, without being a major part of life, it's totally ok for you to center that in your parent friendships and avoid people who think it's fun and cool to constantly carry around a Yeti with 8 oz of pinot.

[Anonymous]

I used to drink a lot more and cut back a ton in my late 30s/early 40s (I now basically only drink socially and then only if there will be food served -- drinking alcohol without a meal just makes me ill at this point). This coincided with becoming a parent but is only incidentally related -- I found that when I started drinking again post-pregnancy, my tolerance was really low. Also, I had a rough pregnancy with a lot of health issues and once it was over, I mostly wanted to just feel well in my body. I didn't have a strong desire to feel tipsy and I definitely didn't want to feel hungover. So that really changed how I approach alcohol.

But one thing I've notice going from someone who used to drink the way OP describes and no longer does -- people who drink like this are more impaired than they think they are. Since my DH and most of my friends still drink this way, I just notice it in a way I never used to. No one is falling down drunk or even visibly tipsy most of the time. But I now notice how often people don't remember details from a recent evening. I also notice how some people become more argumentative or less logical when they are drinking, even after only a couple drinks. I never noticed any of this before. It doesn't bother me but it is a reminder that even people with high alcohol tolerances who seem very civilized when they drink are impacted by it. And there are situations where it leads to negative situations, because consistently failing to remember details from events and becoming more conflict-prone and less reasonable on a regular basis can have a real cumulative effect on your relationships. You wind up seeing how some of the marital discord or diminished friendships actually might be due to drinking even thought the drinking doesn't seem like that big of a deal. It does change how people behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to drink a lot more and cut back a ton in my late 30s/early 40s (I now basically only drink socially and then only if there will be food served -- drinking alcohol without a meal just makes me ill at this point). This coincided with becoming a parent but is only incidentally related -- I found that when I started drinking again post-pregnancy, my tolerance was really low. Also, I had a rough pregnancy with a lot of health issues and once it was over, I mostly wanted to just feel well in my body. I didn't have a strong desire to feel tipsy and I definitely didn't want to feel hungover. So that really changed how I approach alcohol.

But one thing I've notice going from someone who used to drink the way OP describes and no longer does -- people who drink like this are more impaired than they think they are. Since my DH and most of my friends still drink this way, I just notice it in a way I never used to. No one is falling down drunk or even visibly tipsy most of the time. But I now notice how often people don't remember details from a recent evening. I also notice how some people become more argumentative or less logical when they are drinking, even after only a couple drinks. I never noticed any of this before. It doesn't bother me but it is a reminder that even people with high alcohol tolerances who seem very civilized when they drink are impacted by it. And there are situations where it leads to negative situations, because consistently failing to remember details from events and becoming more conflict-prone and less reasonable on a regular basis can have a real cumulative effect on your relationships. You wind up seeing how some of the marital discord or diminished friendships actually might be due to drinking even thought the drinking doesn't seem like that big of a deal. It does change how people behave.

OP here. This is exactly what I've noticed. As the sober one, by the end a lot of people are more loose lipped and maybe a few are just acting a little off. People are louder. Conversations are a bit more passionate. Folks can handle their liquor and no one is falling down drunk, but on some nights there are definitely people not acting as I think they would if they were sober. And then they joke about it the next day which is very strange to me.

Another poster said something about parenting culture and "the implication that we have to drink in order to survive a child-focused activity" which really resonated with me. I definitely get that feeling from other parents sometimes and it makes me uncomfortable too.

I think there is a mix of people in this group--the social, "once a week I'll have a drink or two" folks and the "bring a beer to soccer practice/wagon with a cooler in it while trick or treating" folks.

I appreciate all of the perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Sounds pretty normal to me....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to drink a lot more and cut back a ton in my late 30s/early 40s (I now basically only drink socially and then only if there will be food served -- drinking alcohol without a meal just makes me ill at this point). This coincided with becoming a parent but is only incidentally related -- I found that when I started drinking again post-pregnancy, my tolerance was really low. Also, I had a rough pregnancy with a lot of health issues and once it was over, I mostly wanted to just feel well in my body. I didn't have a strong desire to feel tipsy and I definitely didn't want to feel hungover. So that really changed how I approach alcohol.

But one thing I've notice going from someone who used to drink the way OP describes and no longer does -- people who drink like this are more impaired than they think they are. Since my DH and most of my friends still drink this way, I just notice it in a way I never used to. No one is falling down drunk or even visibly tipsy most of the time. But I now notice how often people don't remember details from a recent evening. I also notice how some people become more argumentative or less logical when they are drinking, even after only a couple drinks. I never noticed any of this before. It doesn't bother me but it is a reminder that even people with high alcohol tolerances who seem very civilized when they drink are impacted by it. And there are situations where it leads to negative situations, because consistently failing to remember details from events and becoming more conflict-prone and less reasonable on a regular basis can have a real cumulative effect on your relationships. You wind up seeing how some of the marital discord or diminished friendships actually might be due to drinking even thought the drinking doesn't seem like that big of a deal. It does change how people behave.

OP here. This is exactly what I've noticed. As the sober one, by the end a lot of people are more loose lipped and maybe a few are just acting a little off. People are louder. Conversations are a bit more passionate. Folks can handle their liquor and no one is falling down drunk, but on some nights there are definitely people not acting as I think they would if they were sober. And then they joke about it the next day which is very strange to me.

Another poster said something about parenting culture and "the implication that we have to drink in order to survive a child-focused activity" which really resonated with me. I definitely get that feeling from other parents sometimes and it makes me uncomfortable too.

I think there is a mix of people in this group--the social, "once a week I'll have a drink or two" folks and the "bring a beer to soccer practice/wagon with a cooler in it while trick or treating" folks.

I appreciate all of the perspectives.

I’m late to this thread, but appreciate you starting it, OP. Everything you said in the above post resonated with me. IMO, drinking to the point of significantly lowered inhibitions (and especially inability to remember what happened) is problematic. We’ll drink at backyard gatherings, but not at soccer games or trips to the park, the latter with the exception of a big Halloween party. This year is the first DH and I had a drink during ToT, we never did when our kids were younger (they’re 10, 8, and 6).

I remember the thread a PP referenced further above, about people getting drunk to the point of vomiting in the backyard and she’s right, most people, on that thread weirdly blew it off. Many people drink more than is healthy, and some of them are addicted to alcohol but still generally functional (can hold steady jobs, maintain their relationships, etc.). Our culture both normalizes heavy alcohol consumption and stigmatizes those with alcohol problems, which is a tough combination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drinking at public parks and soccer games seems odd to me. At a party, fire pit gathering or even ToT (which is basically a party in our neighborhood). normal to have alcohol served.
Then again, there was a thread by a mom who accidentally got drunk and threw up at a new neiigjborhs party and one person said her friend group regularly got drunk and vomited—I said any mom group where people are regularly getting drunk to the point of vomiting had a problem and people seemed to disagree with me. So….I guess some people have different standards.

Really? I live in NYC, there are tons of outdoor concerts in the park. Everyone I know goes with their kids and brings bottles of wine, canned cocktails, or beer. Sometimes weed as well (shock! horror!).