If you succeeded with ‘no food in this house,’ tell me how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re about to go visit ILs for Thanksgiving, and it’s the typical story: there is no food in the house, they are weird about food, they hover/monitor/observe food preparation and consumption, they “close the kitchen,” etc.

We’ve tried sticking up for ourselves by bringing our own food and going out when we need to, and still they whine and grumble and criticize. I’m willing to ignore those antics, because at the end of the day, I’m not going to make myself or my kids uncomfortable, or teach my kids that it isn’t OK to eat three meals a day. (ILs only eat two meals a day and make a big production about how breakfast should be light because “it will be a big dinner,” and it’s not.) But I’d prefer not to hear grumbling, and wonder if anyone has managed to solve this problem without poking the bear. TIA for any productive advice!

Easy.

1. Do not go.

2. Go but stay in a hotel.

My choice would be stay in my own comfortable, cozy home where there are no food restrictions.

[Anonymous]

Nothing about this is a “typical story” and the fact that you are framing it that way suggests that you have normalized this in your own head to a dangerous extent.

Stay outside this home, do it for a short time, and serve your kids regular meals and snacks if they need them no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Are your kids old enough to understand the comments? How often do you visit your ILs?

My mom was/is obsessed with weight and would always make comments. I did NOT want my kids to have those thoughts in their head so I had a conversation with her about it when my first was born. I was eating breakfast in the hospital after having been in labor for 20 hours with no food, and she said something about losing the baby weight. In front of friends who had come to meet my baby! I explained she would never be allowed near my kids if said anything like that again, and then I had to remind her several times, but now she just watches closely but keeps her mouth shut. Obviously it’s well beyond keeping food at her house.

I have ILs that never have food, but it’s more that they just never really think about it. They stay up really late (kids too - they’re South American) and basically don’t eat lunch. But they don’t mind when we bring/get food, they just don’t think about it.

I would stay in a hotel, but if this is more than a once in a blue moon visit, I think it’s worth a talk about it. I wouldn’t want my kids to develop issues because of their grandparents food obsession.

[Anonymous]

I put my frigging foot down. No, Parent or in-law, my kids will not go hungry because you have become a lunatic.

You follow my rules when it comes to feeding my kids.

What is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I put my frigging foot down. No, Parent or in-law, my kids will not go hungry because you have become a lunatic.

You follow my rules when it comes to feeding my kids.

What is wrong with you people?

What you describe is not on the table anywhere in this post. OP has been adequately feeding her kids during these visits, "following her own rules." What is at issue in this thread is whether the stray negative comments that the ILs make about that fact is something she should try to police, or whether they are so bad as to necessitate spending money on a hotel room for these infrequent visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I put my frigging foot down. No, Parent or in-law, my kids will not go hungry because you have become a lunatic.

You follow my rules when it comes to feeding my kids.

What is wrong with you people?

What you describe is not on the table anywhere in this post. OP has been adequately feeding her kids during these visits, "following her own rules." What is at issue in this thread is whether the stray negative comments that the ILs make about that fact is something she should try to police, or whether they are so bad as to necessitate spending money on a hotel room for these infrequent visits.

Op needs to speak up. That’s my point. Stop being polite and get it in the open.

Why are you such doormats?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the What? How do you have a house without food? Especially if you want to have kids visiting?

And multiple people apparently do this?

My mom was big on healthy eating but there was always fruit and healthy snacks available and at thebjolidays of course there was plenty of food. It's the holidays.

Are they just imposing their eating disorder on everyone else?

This has happened as my ILs age. The grocery store has become their outing so they go every single day and get precisely the amount of food they need for that day. And they expect everyone to eat according to their nutritional needs. So, for example, they go off to the grocery store and come back with, for the two of them and the 4 of us: 10 slices of bread, 5 slices of lunch meat, 5 slices of cheese, and 3 apples. Because the kids can split one sandwich, that’s why they only need two slices of bread and one slice of cheese and one slice of meat for 2 children (and not particularly small children, 8 and 10 year old kids) and each set of two can split one apple.

Yet when they come and stay with us, they marvel over our meals, insist that I just get toast for their breakfast, but then when they see their son scrambling eggs and making bacon, will say, oh we’ll have that too, and then will proceed to take tons so their isn’t any for the rest of the family and then my husband ends up having to cook a second breakfast for himself and the kids. Then they rummage in the cabinets and remark on all the food in the pantry and go whole hog at everything, more times than I can count they’ve eaten the ingredients for dinner while we are at work, so I’ll get home expecting to make a salad and find all the tomatoes are eaten, the cheese I’d intended to use on the burgers is gone, etc. I’ve taken to putting dinner ingredients in stapled shut bags with “dinner 11/18” written on it in hopes they will leave it alone.

This is not at all a money thing, it’s control and disordered thinking and has gotten progressively worse over the 20 years I’ve known them. My ILs are very well off. When they call after they leave they always remark on what a wonderful time they have “vacationing” at our house (an entirely different topic that causes no end of issues) and how they will have to diet now since they were so well fed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the What? How do you have a house without food? Especially if you want to have kids visiting?

And multiple people apparently do this?

My mom was big on healthy eating but there was always fruit and healthy snacks available and at thebjolidays of course there was plenty of food. It's the holidays.

Are they just imposing their eating disorder on everyone else?

Yes! I'm a NP in this thread but my MIL is a tiny non-eater and meal skipper and I believe truly judges anyone for eating anything at all if they are not underweight. So much commentary and policing of eating in their house. If there is lunch, then there are many comments about "why would we go out for a big dinner or cook here, I'm still full from lunch". I could go on and on with the stories over the years. We snuck out for food when I was pregnant and breastfeeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I put my frigging foot down. No, Parent or in-law, my kids will not go hungry because you have become a lunatic.

You follow my rules when it comes to feeding my kids.

What is wrong with you people?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing about this is a “typical story” and the fact that you are framing it that way suggests that you have normalized this in your own head to a dangerous extent.

Stay outside this home, do it for a short time, and serve your kids regular meals and snacks if they need them no matter what.

NP. If you’ve been on DCUM for a while, this is indeed a thing that seems to happen a lot when younger families visit older adults. Don’t believe me? Use the handy Search function and type in “no food in this house,” “ILs,” “visiting parents,” “starving,” etc. So get off your high horse. Anyone with critical thinking skills can deduce:

1) Many older adults stop eating as much and don’t remember what it’s like to have a healthy appetite
2) Dementia and early onset dementia are contributing factors
3) Depression-era food wasting/food scarcity/economic instability is in play
4) WASP-y eating disorders are in play

So yeah, in the world of DCUM, this is a thing, and it’s been discussed many times on these very boards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

+1 for the bolded. You cannot change them, OP, you can only change yourself.

But also, don't let them shame kids for normal eating and if they do start to impose disordered eating on kids, visits are over. My aunt's comments about my (skinny) weight and eating as a teen (I was on cross country), did have an effect on me. I realize it was her own anorexia talking but the truth is my mom should have put a stop to it. Keep people like that away from your kids.

Your mom AND DAD had that responsibility.

I'm the PP whose kids need to swim midday. My Dad is dead. Many adults have just one parent.

Your dad is dead = “many” adults have just one parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I put my frigging foot down. No, Parent or in-law, my kids will not go hungry because you have become a lunatic.

You follow my rules when it comes to feeding my kids.

What is wrong with you people?

What you describe is not on the table anywhere in this post. OP has been adequately feeding her kids during these visits, "following her own rules." What is at issue in this thread is whether the stray negative comments that the ILs make about that fact is something she should try to police, or whether they are so bad as to necessitate spending money on a hotel room for these infrequent visits.

Op needs to speak up. That’s my point. Stop being polite and get it in the open.

Why are you such doormats?

OP has literally said her husband is going to give them the ultimatum of “you either cut out the food issues, or we’re staying in a hotel: what do you choose.” And OP and her husband have gone to diners and brought their own food: their kids have never gone hungry during these visits. I don’t think you get that “doormats” would mean just accepting things as-is and staying there with no talk of hotel and no bringing food/going to a diner. Do you always have such poor critical thinking skills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

+1 for the bolded. You cannot change them, OP, you can only change yourself.

But also, don't let them shame kids for normal eating and if they do start to impose disordered eating on kids, visits are over. My aunt's comments about my (skinny) weight and eating as a teen (I was on cross country), did have an effect on me. I realize it was her own anorexia talking but the truth is my mom should have put a stop to it. Keep people like that away from your kids.

Your mom AND DAD had that responsibility.

I'm the PP whose kids need to swim midday. My Dad is dead. Many adults have just one parent.

Your dad is dead = “many” adults have just one parent?

Many people old enough to be bringing their own children to Thanksgiving don't have a mom and dad living together in one house. The idea that if someone says "when I visit my mom" they're sexist because they aren't talking about their Dad is absurd. Both DH and I lost a parent in adulthood, either before our kids were born (me) or when the kids were very small. Other people have parents who were always single, or who are divorced. There are lots of reasons why someone would post about their mom that aren't the fact that they're sexistly leaving their dad out of the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

+1 for the bolded. You cannot change them, OP, you can only change yourself.

But also, don't let them shame kids for normal eating and if they do start to impose disordered eating on kids, visits are over. My aunt's comments about my (skinny) weight and eating as a teen (I was on cross country), did have an effect on me. I realize it was her own anorexia talking but the truth is my mom should have put a stop to it. Keep people like that away from your kids.

Your mom AND DAD had that responsibility.

I'm the PP whose kids need to swim midday. My Dad is dead. Many adults have just one parent.

Your dad is dead = “many” adults have just one parent?

Many people old enough to be bringing their own children to Thanksgiving don't have a mom and dad living together in one house. The idea that if someone says "when I visit my mom" they're sexist because they aren't talking about their Dad is absurd. Both DH and I lost a parent in adulthood, either before our kids were born (me) or when the kids were very small. Other people have parents who were always single, or who are divorced. There are lots of reasons why someone would post about their mom that aren't the fact that they're sexistly leaving their dad out of the conversation.

…do you get that the PP was recounting a story of WHEN SHE WAS A TEENAGER? Meaning this didn’t happen three years ago, dum-dum. Stop being dim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

+1 for the bolded. You cannot change them, OP, you can only change yourself.

But also, don't let them shame kids for normal eating and if they do start to impose disordered eating on kids, visits are over. My aunt's comments about my (skinny) weight and eating as a teen (I was on cross country), did have an effect on me. I realize it was her own anorexia talking but the truth is my mom should have put a stop to it. Keep people like that away from your kids.

Your mom AND DAD had that responsibility.

I'm the PP whose kids need to swim midday. My Dad is dead. Many adults have just one parent.

Your dad is dead = “many” adults have just one parent?

Many people old enough to be bringing their own children to Thanksgiving don't have a mom and dad living together in one house. The idea that if someone says "when I visit my mom" they're sexist because they aren't talking about their Dad is absurd. Both DH and I lost a parent in adulthood, either before our kids were born (me) or when the kids were very small. Other people have parents who were always single, or who are divorced. There are lots of reasons why someone would post about their mom that aren't the fact that they're sexistly leaving their dad out of the conversation.

Did you miss this?:

“My aunt's comments about my (skinny) weight and eating as a teen (I was on cross country), did have an effect on me.”

Hello, this is a story from the PAST, not the present. AND that PP came back and said her dad was indeed around, but wasn’t so aware of it because this was the PP’s mother’s sister, so he wasn’t as involved with every visit/didn’t get the dynamic.