If you succeeded with ‘no food in this house,’ tell me how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start with “the children’s doctor is clear th at they need 3 meals and 2 snacks each day”.

Leave the house and go out to lunch.
Bring your own fruit, cereal, and protein bars.

This. Plus stay in a hotel so you can get breakfast into your kids before going to their house. Then keep lunch / snacks in the car, even to eat outside if you have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This must be an American thing. Between my Russian, Armenian and Arab sides of the family, the women would feel compelled to throw ashes on their heads and then throw themselves off the town walls, Masada style, if there was ever a whisper that guests left their house hungry. I mean they would prefer someone to declare their daughter a whore than to blame them for not feeding their guests enough food.

Leaving cooking and hosting solely to women must be a Russian/Armenian and Arab thing.

NP - Ah, no, this is quite common in American WASP families and other white American families as well. Have you been to the South?

Haha! Have you visited any “egalitarian” families in DC? I’d bet my house that 9 out 10 times the women are cooking and hosting. This holds true if the wife works full time, part time or stays home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This must be an American thing. Between my Russian, Armenian and Arab sides of the family, the women would feel compelled to throw ashes on their heads and then throw themselves off the town walls, Masada style, if there was ever a whisper that guests left their house hungry. I mean they would prefer someone to declare their daughter a whore than to blame them for not feeding their guests enough food.

Leaving cooking and hosting solely to women must be a Russian/Armenian and Arab thing.

NP - Ah, no, this is quite common in American WASP families and other white American families as well. Have you been to the South?

Haha! Have you visited any “egalitarian” families in DC? I’d bet my house that 9 out 10 times the women are cooking and hosting. This holds true if the wife works full time, part time or stays home.

nope! Totally 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Why are you even going if it's so miserable? Just stay home and avoid the discomfort and awkwardness. Invite them to come to you. A holiday isn't worth so much grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Topics encouraged for discussion at every visit: the fatness of FIL’s sister and it’s complementary topic, the discipline of MIL.

I hate to know: Is FIL fat or disciplined?

He is disciplined and not overweight, but not as much as disordered MIL. They like to discuss the weight of other family members, and reference, each visit, that MIL weighed the same when she left the hospital after having DH as she did before she got pregnant. I was first informed of this when I was 7 months pregnant.

Imagine deriving your self-esteem from how much you weighed 30-40 years ago. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

This is where i feel it is appropriate to not visit. When they ask why you can say that you don't want to keep having fights about food an since they feel so strongly about not allowing anyone to eat except when the kitchen is 'open' and that currently (and likely will never) work for your family, then you won't be visiting but they can plan a visit to see you if they want!
Happy Holidays!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even going if it's so miserable? Just stay home and avoid the discomfort and awkwardness. Invite them to come to you. A holiday isn't worth so much grief.

But the thing is, why should it be that miserable? OP does not indicate that there are ANY other issues with the visit. Presumably, they enjoy spending this time together. And the 2-3 times a day that have to endure a judgey look or stray comment seems very tolerable.

I'm jealous of any family that doesn't have to endure some minor annoying behaviors from other family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay in a hotel.

+1

I wouldn't consider anything less.

+100

[Anonymous]

Hotel hotel hotel.

My growing young children need to eat several balanced meals each day, at designated times. I dgaf about enabling someone else’s weird food habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hotel hotel hotel.

My growing young children need to eat several balanced meals each day, at designated times. I dgaf about enabling someone else’s weird food habits.

Breakfast at the hotel and a gradual assessment of MIL's ability to stay quiet about her preferences.

Escalation:

Breakfast at hotel, lunch and dinner at ILs.
Scanty dinner? Second meal or big snack back at the hotel before bed.
Judginess about lunch AND dinner on the same day? Breakfast at the hotel, hanging out at the hotel (is there a pool?) lunch before you go to the ILs.

You need to make it clear to your ILs that there are consequences to the food-nagging, and you want your kids to understand that visiting grandma and grandpa is fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope all the other cultures are taking note of why "americans so easily cut off family" -- at least you guys are getting fed!

Yeah, I grew up in an Eastern European family where too little food was never an issue. My mother and aunts might have a host of personality issues, but if they ever suspected one of their guests might leave the table hungry, they would have committed ritual suicide due to the shame. I’ve found this to be true of people of all non-WASP backgrounds.

Letting your guests go hungry is the sign of a terrible person.

+1 Grew up Catholic and DH is African American - you don't exit our house without a go plate and that's on non-holidays. The idea of someone walking away hungry is genuinely upsetting to me, and as people in our families get older they may eat less personally but they're constantly checking on younger people to see whether they need seconds or are feeling peckish. WASPs on these boards seem miserable in general, though.

This is so relatable. I come from Irish/German Catholics on both sides. I have internalized this big time. Anytime I have guests, I go overboard on options and portions. For someone to be hungry is simply not an option. We can always have leftovers to snack on between meals if it's too much Married into a semi-WASPy family. They aren't terrible, but definitely less food centric. Once my FIL asked me if I had a tapeworm, because I was having a snack.... I was a size 4 at the time

I come from the other kind of Irish-American. Filled with self-loathing, both distrustful of pleasure and highly addictive, horrible cooks and mostly taste blind. By the time I was a kid, they had mostly stopped drinking, so every holiday was sticky buns and coffee and cigarettes, followed by chocolate chip cookies and coffee and cigarettes. No meals until roast beef and potatoes at 6:00. I loved it.

DP. The southern Appalachian, Scots-Irish side of my family would be horrified at the idea of not providing enough food for guests to feel truly stuffed. Some of my Midwestern in-laws are a bit more like what OP describes, and it just boggles my mind, especially when they try to enforce that behavior on very young children.
My DD is extremely petite for her age so, yes, FIL, she does in fact need that full-fat milk and yogurt, and some protein options as snacks. Pediatrician said so

NP. Sorry, I can’t help myself; I have to chime in here.

I’m Greek, and like the earlier poster, such a situation would be inconceivable to us. There are a few cornerstones of Greek culture, among them: giving food is showing love (and there can never been too much love/food); good hospitality (ie providing well for your guests) is a matter of personal, family, and national honor (this goes all the way back to ancient times – it’s a key theme in the Odyssey, which DD is currently reading in school); and a grandparents’ purpose in life is to spoil their grandchildren. We go too far on the other side (I remember a PSA on heavy rotation on Greek TV during one of the summers I was visiting relatives in the 70’s, showing a loving grandma stuffing her grandchild who was overweight and couldn’t easily play soccer – the tag line was something like Being Overweight Can Cut Life Short). And like PP, if a host or hostess suspected that a guest left the table or their house hungry, they probably would commit ritual suicide in shame also. Remember that exchange in my Big Fat Greek Wedding -- Maria (mom): Ian, are you hungry? Ian: No, I’m full, I just ate. Maria: Okay, I fix you something. It’s a Greek thing.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy your Thanksgiving at home and eat whenever, whatever you like.

[Anonymous]

Glad to see this thread back. My parents are not "the kitchen is closed" kind of family, but, in their old age they have gotten weirder about food. The newest thing we experienced this thanksgiving is that they are very fixated on not having too much food in the refrigerator. After we were putting leftovers away, my mom basically had a meltdown about how much food was going into the refrigerator. It made me think of this thread!

[Anonymous]

DH needs to tell his family that either there is sufficient food in the house (list out what sufficient means), you can freely bring your own food to make/use their kitchen, you can leave to get food as needed, OR you will either be staying in a hotel or not visiting.
You can negotiate beyond that and need to be very clear.
Breakfast by 9am, needs to include 3 of the following: eggs, cereal, toast, fruit, bacon, smoothie, oatmeal, hot chocolate etc.
Lunch needs to be by noon. Needs to include 3 of the following: main dish (sandwich, pasta, salad, etc), drink and side (chips, fruit, veggie)

[Anonymous]

Try bursting into tears. I feel like this is often an effective and underutilized strategy for getting out of weird social situations. Works great for small children.

Pro tip: works great at the DMV too.