Help me make peace with being a SAHM

[Anonymous]

You might check and see if there are any co-op preschools in your area. Mine went to a 1/2 day program which was amazing. All the parents are involved, so you get to make some friends. Because the parents do so much, fees are considerably cheaper, and your kid gets a great experience with a low-student teacher ratio in a program designed and run with as much care as if the kids were their own, because they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I woukd insist that your husband find another way to commute or you get a second car. Your sanity is worth it!

Ideas:

1. Cry a lot
2. Gym with childcare and classes during the day (hard with covid, I know)
3. At that age I pretended I was a tourist and I took the kids on touristy outings
4. Find friends in Facebook groups. Even if they are just online friends it’s better than nothing.
5. Pay for a therapist, out of pocket. Just do it, a few months won’t blow your retirement.
6. This is weird but hear me out: see if you can find a Mormon playdate group.
7. Reduce your expectations for dinners, housekeeping, etc. make peace with the mess. When the kids are occupied read a fun novel or reconnect with a pre-kid hobby you had.

But mostly, I am so sorry, this is so hard. Each day you keep everybody alive is a win.

Why Mormon?

OP here. Maybe because they're down to earth, a lot of them are stay-at-home moms. They wouldn't judge me for being "barely educated." I probably have some things in common with them. I'm from a conservative Muslim background. I don't cover my hair. Often, this means the women who do cover can't hang out with me because their husbands think I will be a bad influence. Those girls rarely leave the house. Finding liberal friends who drive and get out of the house would be better for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am going to schedule the babysitter for 3 mornings a week. My husband can deal with the expenses. Our income is 160k. I picked a cheaper rental so we would have money for childcare. We don’t have student debt. I have a scholarship. I need to take care of my mental health.

His income is. Hope he says yes.

OP. No, it's our income. What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, I can count, and your income is zero, and he doesn't let you put kids in daycare even though it would help you. But I guess I was wrong about who controls his income. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am going to schedule the babysitter for 3 mornings a week. My husband can deal with the expenses. Our income is 160k. I picked a cheaper rental so we would have money for childcare. We don’t have student debt. I have a scholarship. I need to take care of my mental health.

His income is. Hope he says yes.

OP. No, it's our income. What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, I can count, and your income is zero, and he doesn't let you put kids in daycare even though it would help you. But I guess I was wrong about who controls his income. Good luck to you.

There's a reason we have something called household income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am going to schedule the babysitter for 3 mornings a week. My husband can deal with the expenses. Our income is 160k. I picked a cheaper rental so we would have money for childcare. We don’t have student debt. I have a scholarship. I need to take care of my mental health.

His income is. Hope he says yes.

OP. No, it's our income. What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, I can count, and your income is zero, and he doesn't let you put kids in daycare even though it would help you. But I guess I was wrong about who controls his income. Good luck to you.

If they divorce, the judge wouldn't consider all of that income her husbands. He would be spending a lot more than zero for childcare, meals etc etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am going to schedule the babysitter for 3 mornings a week. My husband can deal with the expenses. Our income is 160k. I picked a cheaper rental so we would have money for childcare. We don’t have student debt. I have a scholarship. I need to take care of my mental health.

His income is. Hope he says yes.

OP. No, it's our income. What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, I can count, and your income is zero, and he doesn't let you put kids in daycare even though it would help you. But I guess I was wrong about who controls his income. Good luck to you.

There's a reason we have something called household income.

That doesn't matter if you're not allowed to spend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am going to schedule the babysitter for 3 mornings a week. My husband can deal with the expenses. Our income is 160k. I picked a cheaper rental so we would have money for childcare. We don’t have student debt. I have a scholarship. I need to take care of my mental health.

His income is. Hope he says yes.

OP. No, it's our income. What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, I can count, and your income is zero, and he doesn't let you put kids in daycare even though it would help you. But I guess I was wrong about who controls his income. Good luck to you.

If they divorce, the judge wouldn't consider all of that income her husbands. He would be spending a lot more than zero for childcare, meals etc etc

PP, and I agree with you. He would never intitiate divorce- then he would have to pay for 2 households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am going to schedule the babysitter for 3 mornings a week. My husband can deal with the expenses. Our income is 160k. I picked a cheaper rental so we would have money for childcare. We don’t have student debt. I have a scholarship. I need to take care of my mental health.

His income is. Hope he says yes.

OP. No, it's our income. What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, I can count, and your income is zero, and he doesn't let you put kids in daycare even though it would help you. But I guess I was wrong about who controls his income. Good luck to you.

There's a reason we have something called household income.

That doesn't matter if you're not allowed to spend it.

OP here. He gives me access to our money. He has a retirement ROTH set up for me. He transfers $600 a month, and I can do whatever I want with it. I usually save it, but I will also use it to get a haircut, buy clothes. It could be worse. My husband said we could maybe do daycare, but then he wouldn't give me this. $600 isn't enough for daycare anyway, but it was when we lived in FL. We have only been here for four months. My son was in daycare in FL. So because it's so much more here, my husband decided to give me the money he was spending on daycare.

[Anonymous]

Wow, some replies here. "You're a cautionary tale", she's poor because she has only one car, bashing OP's life choices/family/etc... That's the best some of y'all can contribute? Unless one of you has a time machine, she is where she is and her road starts here, and its so much more productive to look forward than back.

OP, you don't have to state your income. You don't have to justify your life. Some people like to do what they perceive as punching down to elevate their own choices, but this is sad and transparent because happy people don't go on online forums and try to tear down strangers seeking help.

Fellow one-car-owning mom here. Let 'em cry into their caviar while us "poors" have some real talk. Depression is an insidious thing which creeps in and spirals. It didn't set in overnight, and you won't get out of it overnight either. But you are valid and valuable. If your kids are well fed, safe, and healthy, you're already ahead of a lot of people. You're taking the right first steps by seeking and perhaps following through on some ideas to improve your situation. That's also great. For your mood: try doing one small new thing every day. Or most days. New kind of tea. New walking path. New TV show. New scented candle. New kind of music to just have playing in the background while you do stuff. New thought pattern. Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, just google it, there are things you can do yourself without a therapist to break the cycle of anxious/depressive thoughts. New message board (try the reddit parenting community; much kinder). The point is novelty and activating your body's "enjoyment" chemistry after it's spent so long stewing in stress and sadness. Exercise is also huge for this, and again a ton of online classes you can do at home for free.

For your situation: some good ideas here already, eg have your sitter come more often. To feel less like a mom robot, take the subject you're studying or the field you want to go into and google it + "society DC area". Many are doing online events, mentoring programs, etc. Great for networking for your future jobs too. I'm hesitant to comment on your marriage dynamic or how you share finances because I'm sensing an ingrainment there that won't change overnight, except to suggest that you just mull over the idea that having full access to your family's finances regardless of who's the breadwinner is a common and widespread way of doing things, eg if something would really hugely improve your well-being, he doesn't get to say hard no, you both sit down and see what you can accomplish within your means. It's extremely disempowering to have you on an "allowance" that used to go to daycare. It's not how it works for I would say the majority of couples around here, and it doesn't have to be that way for you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am going to schedule the babysitter for 3 mornings a week. My husband can deal with the expenses. Our income is 160k. I picked a cheaper rental so we would have money for childcare. We don’t have student debt. I have a scholarship. I need to take care of my mental health.

His income is. Hope he says yes.

Np what is with all "his" salery? They are married and a team so it is shared income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your 5 yr old is old enough for school. Your two year old needs to be run ragged. Take him to the playground in the morning Then home, lunch, nap, reading, then pick up the 5 yr old, playground for both, then dinner.

What does your DH do to contribute if he refuses to cook? Why can't you make friends? Get your kids flu shots, get them wearing masks, and go to story hour at the library, and fun classes for them that are active.

I don’t have a second car. Dh takes the car 3 days a week. This hasn’t been a problem until recently because he has been working from home. We do have a playground I can walk to. I do have people I can talk to in my condo building, the door man, another mom and a few seniors. I talk to them all on a daily basis but they aren’t my friends, Lol. Right now, story time isn’t being held where I live. I take my kids to the ymca. I think I need to admit that I should find a job because it’s better that my kids aren’t around me.

Then get a second car. You can MAKE friends with the mom and seniors in your building (the doorman is working). You can put up an ad on your neighbborhood list serve to have a twice-weekly playgroup meet at the playground. You can still go to the library - when my DD was a toddler we could easily kill two hours in the library.

I have been at this for more than 5 years and it's just not working out. Sometimes you gotta stop fighting things. There are tons of posts about none of us having time to spend time with each other. A lot of SAHM are depressed so I am basically looking for a unicorn to be my friend. I have met so many SAHM who homeschool and are anti-vax. They're pushy about their choices.

In Reston? I'm surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, your situation is hard . Some will say that at least you are not a single working mom making minimum wage but the truth is that these are hard years and you lack money, help, education to have a career and companionship.

I would never had kids if I was in your situation. I actually waited for 6 years after marriage because we were low income to have a child . Dug ourselves out of the whole and only then expanded our family.

You are a cautionary tale of why women should be educated. I love being a SAHM… but it has not come at the cost of being poor, unable to outsource, no retirement and college savings, no education, no help from DH etc

So use your creativity to make friends. Publicize some free mommy and me classes you conduct in the park. Join some mom groups or start one.

You are a horrid, bitter person

+1 what a vicious post. Congrats on sucking I guess?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your 5 yr old is old enough for school. Your two year old needs to be run ragged. Take him to the playground in the morning Then home, lunch, nap, reading, then pick up the 5 yr old, playground for both, then dinner.

What does your DH do to contribute if he refuses to cook? Why can't you make friends? Get your kids flu shots, wear masks, go to story hour at the library, and fun classes for active kids.

I don't have a second car. Dh takes the car 3 days a week. This hasn't been a problem until recently because he has been working from home. We do have a playground I can walk to. I do have people I can talk to in my condo building, the door man, another mom and a few seniors. I talk to them all on a daily basis but they aren't my friends, Lol. Right now, story time isn't being held where I live. I take my kids to the ymca. I think I need to admit that I should find a job because it's better that my kids aren't around me.

Then get a second car. You can MAKE friends with the mom and seniors in your building (the doorman is working). You can put up an ad on your neighbborhood list serve to have a twice-weekly playgroup meet at the playground. You can still go to the library - when my DD was a toddler we could easily kill two hours in the library.

I have been at this for more than 5 years and it's just not working out. Sometimes you gotta stop fighting things. There are tons of posts about none of us having time to spend time with each other. A lot of SAHM are depressed so I am basically looking for a unicorn to be my friend. I have met so many SAHM who homeschool and are anti-vax. They're pushy about their choices.

In Reston? I'm surprised.

OP here. No, not here. I haven't met any so far. This was in FL and GA. I loved the suggestion to start a playgroup. I thought it could be a Montessori playgroup. I am not extreme about Montessori. I think it would be fun to introduce activities to other moms. I have a lot of materials I could share. We looked at homes this weekend. There is a house we put an offer on and it had a great outdoor space and lots of family bonus rooms. Fingers crossed we get it. My situation isn't ideal but it's not bad either. I have a scholarship so waiting to finish my BA kind of helped. A lot of women from my culture don't get any spending money from their husbands or they feel guilty spending money. I am more balanced. I do things like having a babysitter, getting a haircut, and having a gym membership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, some replies here. "You're a cautionary tale", she's poor because she has only one car, bashing OP's life choices/family/etc... That's the best some of y'all can contribute? Unless one of you has a time machine, she is where she is and her road starts here, and its so much more productive to look forward than back.

OP, you don't have to state your income. You don't have to justify your life. Some people like to do what they perceive as punching down to elevate their own choices, but this is sad and transparent because happy people don't go on online forums and try to tear down strangers seeking help.

Fellow one-car-owning mom here. Let 'em cry into their caviar while us "poors" have some real talk. Depression is an insidious thing which creeps in and spirals. It didn't set in overnight, and you won't get out of it overnight either. But you are valid and valuable. If your kids are well fed, safe, and healthy, you're already ahead of a lot of people. You're taking the right first steps by seeking and perhaps following through on some ideas to improve your situation. That's also great. For your mood: try doing one small new thing every day. Or most days. New kind of tea. New walking path. New TV show. New scented candle. New kind of music to just have playing in the background while you do stuff. New thought pattern. Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, just google it, there are things you can do yourself without a therapist to break the cycle of anxious/depressive thoughts. New message board (try the reddit parenting community; much kinder). The point is novelty and activating your body's "enjoyment" chemistry after it's spent so long stewing in stress and sadness. Exercise is also huge for this, and again a ton of online classes you can do at home for free.

For your situation: some good ideas here already, eg have your sitter come more often. To feel less like a mom robot, take the subject you're studying or the field you want to go into and google it + "society DC area". Many are doing online events, mentoring programs, etc. Great for networking for your future jobs too. I'm hesitant to comment on your marriage dynamic or how you share finances because I'm sensing an ingrainment there that won't change overnight, except to suggest that you just mull over the idea that having full access to your family's finances regardless of who's the breadwinner is a common and widespread way of doing things, eg if something would really hugely improve your well-being, he doesn't get to say hard no, you both sit down and see what you can accomplish within your means. It's extremely disempowering to have you on an "allowance" that used to go to daycare. It's not how it works for I would say the majority of couples around here, and it doesn't have to be that way for you either.

op here. Yes, maybe it's weird but my husband doesn't comment anymore on what I spend money on. it was causing a lot of problems. he would make me feel guilty about buying shoes or clothing. he would have me buying my wardrobe at the dollar store if he could. I actually think he's more generous than a lot of my immigrant friends' husbands. I do bring in money occasionally. $500 or so on freelance work. I haven't had as many opportunities with the pandemic.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I wanted to say thank you. I am so grateful for your advice. I wrote down a list of suggestions. The mommy and me groups were something I never thought about. It's also nice to hear things, so get better once the kids are in Kindergarten. There is a movie showing once a week in my rental condo, and we have a social club once a month with live performances. I attended a social club event yesterday even though I was the youngest person there. It's a good way to have a different perspective. A lot of the seniors have health problems. They can't drive. It will be nice when we live close to a bike trail.
I am looking forward to riding my bike more.