Help me make peace with being a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. BUT you are making excuses, feeling sorry for yourself, and not doing things that you easily can do to improve your situation.

SIT DOWN WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Tell him you are drowning and positively need to have a second car NOW. The man has a Ph.D. He's not an idiot. Let him help you.

Speaking of which, it's a little odd to see such an education disparity between married couples. How is it that he has a Ph.D. and you haven't even finished college? How did you meet?

OP here. This all happened last week. He's been home, and I have had full access to the car. I think it's a little dramatic to demand another car when I didn't even take advantage of it when it was available. I do have a college degree. I have an associate's early childhood education. It's not a Ph.D., but I did go to college. I'm qualified to teach preschool, for example. When I was dating, I met lots of guys with master's degrees. They were okay with my education. I didn't have school debt. This was when I lived in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like you have depression, not anxiety! Please take care of yourself.

I think I have both. I signed up the baby for swimming and gymnastics. I told my husband he absolutely must drop us off at the YMCA on Mondays. The shuttle bus will pick us up. I know that I need to get out of the house. It's just so hard to do it! It's so funny because I used to always be on the go before the pandemic. The pandemic and having a second child have worn me down. I also have a lot of joint pain that got worse after my second child. I've been staying in more to take it easy on myself. It's cost me my mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a nanny before I became a stay-at-home mom. I don't want to go back to doing that. My kids already drive me crazy. I can't bring in enough money to pay for childcare, but I'm so lonely. I am so isolated, and covid makes me feel even guiltier for considering daycare. Being a SAHM means I need to make peace with not having friends. I've moved so much that it's hard to have friendships, and even when I do have SAHM friends, they always make excuses why they can't get together. I get it. They don't have energy.

My DH doesn't cook, so every day, I try to get lunch and dinner sorted. Lately, I have have no interest in cooking. I take anxiety meds, but a pill isn't going to make me happy. We need to feel connected to people. I think it's vital as a mom. I'm annoyed and irritated all the time. I'm not sure how to get through this. I keep telling myself the younger years are complicated, and I will get through it. I have 5 and a 2-year-old sons. They're hyper. Bounce off the walls, yell, etc., etc. I feel judged out in public. I can't get those guys to behave, and it's my full-time job. I lost my mom a few years ago. It's been hard because I don't have anyone checking in on me, you know. I know I need to do something.

I am the kind of person who would go crazy as a SAHM, but you can definitely let go of the COVID daycare guilt. My kid had a ton of daycare colds early on but we tested every single time and no COVID. Daycare has been a huge net positive for her development. It has helped her walking, talking, and I get to reap the benefits of sibling-like interactions for her (learning to share, to get along, etc.) without having to have another kid, which I don't want. Additionally, especially with widespread vaccination in this area, the risks of COVID for regular healthy children are minimal. For me -- this is cynical -- but it's all about convenience -- I want to avoid my DD getting COVID because quarantine would blow up my routine for 2 weeks! Not because COVID for a toddler is that scary.

I agree with you completely on needing to connect with others. Can you join a mom group, maybe one that meets outdoors if you're worried about it? It helps if you have somewhere that's a built-in community. I'm not a church person but this was easier to find when churches were a thing.

Can you get a part-time nanny or a once-a-week sitter for date nights? I have twice a week babysitter time with my DH and it has immensely helped my mental wellbeing. Our sitters are vaccinated and cautious about COVID, so we don't really worry about exposure too much.

I can't help you on the kid behavior thing -- my only kid is 2 and we're definitely trying to handle tantrums, etc., too. Being outside a lot and at playgrounds a lot (again, minimal COVID risk) helps with the excess energy. I find that I have to avoid "showing fear" (in a tongue-in-cheek sense) with my DD to get her to behave well. If I let her see she is bothering me, she's already won. Lol.

If you want to have a career but not work as a nanny, you could start an agency! Or go back to school for something different.

[Anonymous]

PP above. We're a one-car family (I'm really into cycling and bike or walk everywhere, and not a skilled driver). But if I lived in Reston with multiple kids as a SAHM I would 100% get a car. Get a beat-up 1999 Camry if you have to. But get a car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a nanny before I became a stay-at-home mom. I don't want to go back to doing that. My kids already drive me crazy. I can't bring in enough money to pay for childcare, but I'm so lonely. I am so isolated, and covid makes me feel even guiltier for considering daycare. Being a SAHM means I need to make peace with not having friends. I've moved so much that it's hard to have friendships, and even when I do have SAHM friends, they always make excuses why they can't get together. I get it. They don't have energy.

My DH doesn't cook, so every day, I try to get lunch and dinner sorted. Lately, I have have no interest in cooking. I take anxiety meds, but a pill isn't going to make me happy. We need to feel connected to people. I think it's vital as a mom. I'm annoyed and irritated all the time. I'm not sure how to get through this. I keep telling myself the younger years are complicated, and I will get through it. I have 5 and a 2-year-old sons. They're hyper. Bounce off the walls, yell, etc., etc. I feel judged out in public. I can't get those guys to behave, and it's my full-time job. I lost my mom a few years ago. It's been hard because I don't have anyone checking in on me, you know. I know I need to do something.

I am the kind of person who would go crazy as a SAHM, but you can definitely let go of the COVID daycare guilt. My kid had a ton of daycare colds early on but we tested every single time and no COVID. Daycare has been a huge net positive for her development. It has helped her walking, talking, and I get to reap the benefits of sibling-like interactions for her (learning to share, to get along, etc.) without having to have another kid, which I don't want. Additionally, especially with widespread vaccination in this area, the risks of COVID for regular healthy children are minimal. For me -- this is cynical -- but it's all about convenience -- I want to avoid my DD getting COVID because quarantine would blow up my routine for 2 weeks! Not because COVID for a toddler is that scary.

I agree with you completely on needing to connect with others. Can you join a mom group, maybe one that meets outdoors if you're worried about it? It helps if you have somewhere that's a built-in community. I'm not a church person but this was easier to find when churches were a thing.

Can you get a part-time nanny or a once-a-week sitter for date nights? I have twice a week babysitter time with my DH and it has immensely helped my mental wellbeing. Our sitters are vaccinated and cautious about COVID, so we don't really worry about exposure too much.

I can't help you on the kid behavior thing -- my only kid is 2 and we're definitely trying to handle tantrums, etc., too. Being outside a lot and at playgrounds a lot (again, minimal COVID risk) helps with the excess energy. I find that I have to avoid "showing fear" (in a tongue-in-cheek sense) with my DD to get her to behave well. If I let her see she is bothering me, she's already won. Lol.

If you want to have a career but not work as a nanny, you could start an agency! Or go back to school for something different.

OP here. I am in school. I need to focus on that. I've asked dh if we can do daycare so I can study, but he says no. We have a once a week babysitter. I explained daycare won't be forever and it's what I need for my mental health. Hard no.

[Anonymous]

I'm having trouble following your situation, OP. It sounded at first like you weren't able to go anywhere, had no other moms around, no childcare. Now it turns out there are kids in your community, you have had access to the car until recently, there's a shuttle to the YMCA, you have a weekly babysitter.....

And you do school, so it sounds like you have some sort of intellectual outlet.

I'm really not sure what your issue is except just regular depression and anxiety. And maybe a lot of worry about your child's IEP? It sounds like you do have access to people and choose not to take advantage of it. Does your husband not give you any breaks at all, even to study for school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm having trouble following your situation, OP. It sounded at first like you weren't able to go anywhere, had no other moms around, no childcare. Now it turns out there are kids in your community, you have had access to the car until recently, there's a shuttle to the YMCA, you have a weekly babysitter.....

And you do school, so it sounds like you have some sort of intellectual outlet.

I'm really not sure what your issue is except just regular depression and anxiety. And maybe a lot of worry about your child's IEP? It sounds like you do have access to people and choose not to take advantage of it. Does your husband not give you any breaks at all, even to study for school?

OP here. There are kids in my community, but the young ones don't play outside much. The shuttle will pick me up from the y, but I still need to have dh drop us off and haul a car seat around. Sure, I can work out at the YMCA, but I'm not sure how to make friends there. All of the moving around has gotten to me. It's been tough. I think I am still working through all of that. I was happier living in FL. It was more affordable. We moved up here and can't afford help. In FL, I had my toddler in PT daycare. DH makes more money than he did in FL. I explained all of this when he accepted the offer. I explained that we had a great daycare and a good elementary school for our oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your 5 yr old is old enough for school. Your two year old needs to be run ragged. Take him to the playground in the morning Then home, lunch, nap, reading, then pick up the 5 yr old, playground for both, then dinner.

What does your DH do to contribute if he refuses to cook? Why can't you make friends? Get your kids flu shots, get them wearing masks, and go to story hour at the library, and fun classes for them that are active.

I don’t have a second car. Dh takes the car 3 days a week. This hasn’t been a problem until recently because he has been working from home. We do have a playground I can walk to. I do have people I can talk to in my condo building, the door man, another mom and a few seniors. I talk to them all on a daily basis but they aren’t my friends, Lol. Right now, story time isn’t being held where I live. I take my kids to the ymca. I think I need to admit that I should find a job because it’s better that my kids aren’t around me.

This sounds like depression, OP. Please go see your doctor asap. Loneliness is not because your'e a SAHM. A job will only make your life more stressful at this point. You need to tell your DH you're feeling bad and you need support and you need to see a doctor now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP above. We're a one-car family (I'm really into cycling and bike or walk everywhere, and not a skilled driver). But if I lived in Reston with multiple kids as a SAHM I would 100% get a car. Get a beat-up 1999 Camry if you have to. But get a car.

+1

Honestly I think that men who leave their wives at home with little kids in an area that isn’t walkable without a car are some of the biggest jerks around. I don’t know any women who are in that position who aren’t depressed.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound really depressed. I don't think anyone can help you "make peace" with being a SAHM right now because you are too depressed to do any of the things that would make it better, like making friends, going out, or having DH help. I think you should look into therapy/meds

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound really depressed. I don't think anyone can help you "make peace" with being a SAHM right now because you are too depressed to do any of the things that would make it better, like making friends, going out, or having DH help. I think you should look into therapy/meds

OP here. Having Dh help? I would welcome that. I'm not sure where you got that idea from.

[Anonymous]

Here’s your script, to be used in a relatively calm and chill time without kids around. “Hey DH, this new setup really isn’t working for me. I’m feeling really isolated and unhappy, and I think I’m getting depressed. Can we tackle this together and try to figure out what to do?”

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to settle and make peace? Get a job. Seriously. Stop with the excuses. Get a job and leave the house. You’ll likely be a better parent too. Staying home isn’t for everyone and it doesn’t sound like you’re happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to settle and make peace? Get a job. Seriously. Stop with the excuses. Get a job and leave the house. You’ll likely be a better parent too. Staying home isn’t for everyone and it doesn’t sound like you’re happy.

I have considered this, but I know DH won't help around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound really depressed. I don't think anyone can help you "make peace" with being a SAHM right now because you are too depressed to do any of the things that would make it better, like making friends, going out, or having DH help. I think you should look into therapy/meds

When I was in a state of massive depression what got me out of it is my youngest going to kindergarten. Now I homeschool and I’m happy with it but I really need many, many successive mostly kid-free days to recover.