Flaming out at "Dream School"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know of several (five) students who got into their first-choice school they'd been aiming for for years, only to drop out and come home at the end of the first year. For some, it was academic troubles, for others it was disappointment in the culture/community/vibe. It's almost as if the school couldn't possibly live up to the expectations they had. In each case it was very traumatic experience or the kids and, frankly, the family who had focused for years on that school as the goal and then it didn't work out.

My daughter is still a freshman, but has her eyes on a particular school and is becoming increasingly fixated on it. I do think she can get in. Any advice on how we can we prevent this sort of flame out if she does attend?

Prepare academically by taking the most challenging courses she can in HS. If the maturity level is still lacking after she is accepted to dream school...take a gap year to mature enough to succeed away at college.

This is useless advice. It's not about the kid's maturity, it's about tempering expectations they may have for the college itself.

I strongly disagree. I work at a college and a lack of maturity is a very big problem for many freshmen. I see this from both students who came from public schools and private schools. They simply aren't ready to be a college due to helicopter parenting. They are used to parents stepping in and doing most admin type things for them. When it isn't possible for mom or dad to take care of things for them, they literally ignore want needs to be done and think that mom or dad can strongarm their way through the rules to fix whatever it is that needs fixed.

This is what I think it is too. Not enough real world independence, problem solving skills, and life skills. And then the kids are overwhelmed by anxiety.

[Anonymous]

There is so MUCH hype. When I hear about colleges that are dream schools it sounds like a 5 star resort. Or an episode of below deck. College is really not like that. Then you have your nostalgic parents. The whole thing so over blown.
If you say something like college is prep for a professional career then you hear oh but LIFE EXPERIENCE. What is a teen supposed to think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid needs to find a reason to be excited about a few schools at the safety, target and reach levels. That way, no matter what happens, she will be content. Get rid of the "dream" nonsense now. I had a dream school. It didn't work out and I was sad to go to the school I ended up getting into. Of course, it all worked out but if someone had knocked some sense into me early on, I would have been happier and adjusted better.

I took this to heart with my own two (both currently in college). They created lists composed entirely of schools they would be happy to attend. Their orienting point was intended major but it doesn't have to be that. Once the first admit came through for each of them, they were so happy because they knew they were going to land at a great place no matter what.

Best of luck. It's a jungle out there.

+1

We banned the use of that term in our house.

+1

Smart. You get it.

[Anonymous]

this question shows maturity and wisdom. Good for you OP setting your DC on a healthy path early on.

I agree with responder who suggested making lists entirely of schools where your child can imagine themselves being happy.

We also emphasized that and to narrow down list of schools that are strong in whatever areas your DC is interested in with different levels of admit difficulty. Also, that it can be harder to get into top post grad programs (especially STEM) coming from HYP/ ivies/ uber elite schools since they want the top 10% of undergrad grads just like the top undergrad schools when admitting high school students.

It is more important to focus on balancing long term goals (vet school/ engineering/ law/ education or whatever) with schools that are both strong in fields they are interested in and have school cultures they can enjoy (Greek life or no Greek life, rec sports or big team sports/ urban or rural etc.,

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know of several (five) students who got into their first-choice school they'd been aiming for for years, only to drop out and come home at the end of the first year. For some, it was academic troubles, for others it was disappointment in the culture/community/vibe. It's almost as if the school couldn't possibly live up to the expectations they had. In each case it was very traumatic experience or the kids and, frankly, the family who had focused for years on that school as the goal and then it didn't work out.

My daughter is still a freshman, but has her eyes on a particular school and is becoming increasingly fixated on it. I do think she can get in. Any advice on how we can we prevent this sort of flame out if she does attend?

You need to lower your expectations.

Kids with 1600/4.0 uw do not get into HYPSM, etc. in droves. These schools accept less than 5% of their applicants, and all of their applicants are qualified, with very high stats. The world population has grown exponentially, but the number of elite schools has remained the same for at least a century. So, by sheer numbers, it's almost impossible to predict who will get accepted to a top college.

Now, if your child has very realistic expectations, say she's focused on her state flagship, well, it's possible you're right that she'll get in. But the tone of your post suggests it's a HYPSM that she's fixated on, and it's your job to un-fixate her. There are hundreds of great schools in the USA, and they all teach pretty much the same stuff.

BTW, I know a kid who flamed out at her dream school. She barely made it through freshman year. Too much academic stress, and too far from home, and oh, those icky dorm rooms!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

This happened to me many years ago.

I was shocked when I wasn't at the top of my class at my elite college.

I should have gone to a "lesser" college, but my parents thought, hey she's smart, she should go to the "best" college she can get into. They never thought about overall "fit." I definitely did not fit my college, but I stuck it out because of "prestige." Yetch. What a mistake!

In retrospect, I wish I'd going to a lower-ranked college where I could play my sport. I had to give it up because my college didn't have a team.

There were many colleges that did offer my sport, but they weren't as highly ranked as the college I attended. I was too naive at the time to understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lord, I hated my dream school from the first week there. I was committed and focused, though, so I pushed on through. I should have transferred.

I hated mine too. I wish I'd left after the first week and gone to the other school I rejected. It would have been a much better college for me. In retrospect, I was not mature enough to figure this out.

[Anonymous]

I've never known this to happen amount my peers in high school or at an elite institution. Everyone got across the finish line.

The only ones I knew struggled with state school admits that didn't know they cap certain majors and if you don't get a 4.0 you can't get into that major.

[Anonymous]

I think they "flame out" for other reasons, like they always had tutors or their parents were too involved in their projects or their parents engineered their social lives or they've never had to rely on themselves for being responsible about school.

[Anonymous]

High school can be stressful and some kids start to dream that things will be better or different or great in college. But college is also stressful so try not to let them fall into that trap. I don't mean to be a wet blanket but they need to think about the challenges of going to college and have some developed some coping skills.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my kid too. Transferred and is now happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

This happened to me many years ago.

I was shocked when I wasn't at the top of my class at my elite college.

I should have gone to a "lesser" college, but my parents thought, hey she's smart, she should go to the "best" college she can get into. They never thought about overall "fit." I definitely did not fit my college, but I stuck it out because of "prestige." Yetch. What a mistake!

In retrospect, I wish I'd going to a lower-ranked college where I could play my sport. I had to give it up because my college didn't have a team.

There were many colleges that did offer my sport, but they weren't as highly ranked as the college I attended. I was too naive at the time to understand this.

It is a shame your parents were not wise enough to help you put this in perspective .

What you now grasp is EXACTLY the philosophy espoused by the CTCL organization. And that has nothing to do with attending one of their schools (despite what a handful of trolls on this site think). They are very healthy in their approach and discourage kids from comparing school lists. It is about fit, like so many things in life. The path to happiness is not setting out to impress others.

[Anonymous]

A single dream school is a fools errand. Unless you can buy your way in, odds are slim. And nobody really knows what their experience will be like until they get there. Placing all this emotional energy in one place is setting them up for disappointment .

[Anonymous]

It's a pretty broad spectrum between being disappointed in the culture of a dream school and failing out of it...so it's hard to know which to respond to.

But I'll bite. I went to my "dream school", which my parents also really fought against. I had a terrible childhood in many ways, and I wanted to be in as different as an environment as possible. By Thanksgiving, though, I realized that there were some things about the culture where I grew up that I really missed...and for the first time in my life I didn't get straight A's. Guess what, though? I also remembered the reasons I picked the school, and I guess growing up as I had I was excellent at finding the bright spots wherever I was. By the end of the school year, I loved my experience. By the time I graduated, I was selected class speaker for my major.

I never had the expectation that college would be everything, even though for me it was a very real escape from a not very good home life. I thought I'd get an education, meet new people, and live in a place other than I had my entire life. That's what I expected, and that's what I got. Anyone who expects a lot more than that is bound to be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd love to know how many kids drop out/transfer from college after the first year. Does that statistic exist?

Yup, it does. And wow. 40 percent.

https://educationdata.org/college-dropout-rates

Ok, but if you actually look at all the numbers a huge proportion of dropouts do so because of financial pressure. And obviously the rates vary tremendously among schools. A better metric is to look at schools your child is applying to a see what % of first years return and what % graduate in 6 years.