Flaming out at "Dream School"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maturity matters a lot. If your kid needs reminders, nagging, guidance on homework or projects in HS, they are already set up for failing out of college. Take a gap year. BTDT.

+1. Parents fill out common app and write the app essays too.

[Anonymous]

Your kid needs to find a reason to be excited about a few schools at the safety, target and reach levels. That way, no matter what happens, she will be content. Get rid of the "dream" nonsense now. I had a dream school. It didn't work out and I was sad to go to the school I ended up getting into. Of course, it all worked out but if someone had knocked some sense into me early on, I would have been happier and adjusted better.

I took this to heart with my own two (both currently in college). They created lists composed entirely of schools they would be happy to attend. Their orienting point was intended major but it doesn't have to be that. Once the first admit came through for each of them, they were so happy because they knew they were going to land at a great place no matter what.

Best of luck. It's a jungle out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dream schools, jobs and spouses are a myth. Teach them that there are pros and cons to every place and situation.

And that the key to happiness is learning how to "grow where you are planted," or in other words to make the best of the cards you are dealt. As others have said, there is not one correct path for most people. Many of us, make reasonably good choices and are content with the outcome. If we grow discontent, we make a change.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is that the dream school is the reward that they have been aiming for since middle school. Kids exhaust themselves taking the hardest course load and overloading ECs so that they can be competitive for admission at a handful of schools. Once they get in, they think they've won the race, but college isn't the reward, it's just another stop on the way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't have a dream school. Be realistic.

Exactly - I think it's the same thing with people who talk about buying their dream house or dream car or dream whatever. It sets unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

This is overblown and a myth perpetuated on mommy forums. It's not about being rattled because you're not "the best," it's almost always because the kid received years and years of FAKE GRADES in a non-competitive k-12. And if you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program, you not only received fake inflated grades you "competed" in a school where 50-95% of your classmates were lazy underachievers. You never actually competed.

So of course the kid is a fish out of water academically and gets rattled mentally at a strong college where 95-100% of their peers are aggressive, polished, savvy and over-prepared. Peers just seem to know all the angles and how to play the "game". You feel like an idiot and no, no matter what people claim, you don't "catch up" to them in a year. It's not about being "the best," it's about being nowhere near their polished peers – and these mismatches often don't even show up on high school GPAs or ACT/SAT. So on paper you might not see it, but the differences are stark.

Holy load of arrogant crap. If you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program you received fake grades and you never competed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know of several (five) students who got into their first-choice school they'd been aiming for for years, only to drop out and come home at the end of the first year. For some, it was academic troubles, for others it was disappointment in the culture/community/vibe. It's almost as if the school couldn't possibly live up to the expectations they had. In each case it was very traumatic experience or the kids and, frankly, the family who had focused for years on that school as the goal and then it didn't work out.

My daughter is still a freshman, but has her eyes on a particular school and is becoming increasingly fixated on it. I do think she can get in. Any advice on how we can we prevent this sort of flame out if she does attend?

I think you can't, but your premise is flawed. Lots of students leave college after a few months or a year because of mental health issues, adjustment issues, health issues, you name it. I don't think it is caused by it being the "dream" school. It also happens at schools kids aren't particularly thrilled to attend. Maybe more often.

I have known several kids with physical health issues that manifested during the first year of college.. I don't know if the change in diet, living arrangements, and stress contributed, or if it was just chance, but I don't think it had much to do with the school itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

This is overblown and a myth perpetuated on mommy forums. It's not about being rattled because you're not "the best," it's almost always because the kid received years and years of FAKE GRADES in a non-competitive k-12. And if you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program, you not only received fake inflated grades you "competed" in a school where 50-95% of your classmates were lazy underachievers. You never actually competed.

So of course the kid is a fish out of water academically and gets rattled mentally at a strong college where 95-100% of their peers are aggressive, polished, savvy and over-prepared. Peers just seem to know all the angles and how to play the "game". You feel like an idiot and no, no matter what people claim, you don't "catch up" to them in a year. It's not about being "the best," it's about being nowhere near their polished peers – and these mismatches often don't even show up on high school GPAs or ACT/SAT. So on paper you might not see it, but the differences are stark.

Nope. Studies have been done. Why does an athlete do fine with the same “fake” classes but the smart kid burns out. It’s about relative self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

This is overblown and a myth perpetuated on mommy forums. It's not about being rattled because you're not "the best," it's almost always because the kid received years and years of FAKE GRADES in a non-competitive k-12. And if you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program, you not only received fake inflated grades you "competed" in a school where 50-95% of your classmates were lazy underachievers. You never actually competed.

So of course the kid is a fish out of water academically and gets rattled mentally at a strong college where 95-100% of their peers are aggressive, polished, savvy and over-prepared. Peers just seem to know all the angles and how to play the "game". You feel like an idiot and no, no matter what people claim, you don't "catch up" to them in a year. It's not about being "the best," it's about being nowhere near their polished peers – and these mismatches often don't even show up on high school GPAs or ACT/SAT. So on paper you might not see it, but the differences are stark.

Holy load of arrogant crap. If you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program you received fake grades and you never competed?

She’s full of crap! That’s for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

This is overblown and a myth perpetuated on mommy forums. It's not about being rattled because you're not "the best," it's almost always because the kid received years and years of FAKE GRADES in a non-competitive k-12. And if you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program, you not only received fake inflated grades you "competed" in a school where 50-95% of your classmates were lazy underachievers. You never actually competed.

So of course the kid is a fish out of water academically and gets rattled mentally at a strong college where 95-100% of their peers are aggressive, polished, savvy and over-prepared. Peers just seem to know all the angles and how to play the "game". You feel like an idiot and no, no matter what people claim, you don't "catch up" to them in a year. It's not about being "the best," it's about being nowhere near their polished peers – and these mismatches often don't even show up on high school GPAs or ACT/SAT. So on paper you might not see it, but the differences are stark.

Holy load of arrogant crap. If you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program you received fake grades and you never competed?

For the most part, correct. But nobody calls their baby ugly — your kid is brilliant and where you bought a home the high school is ranked such and such. Blah blah blah. I can tell by your tone you can’t handle the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

This is overblown and a myth perpetuated on mommy forums. It's not about being rattled because you're not "the best," it's almost always because the kid received years and years of FAKE GRADES in a non-competitive k-12. And if you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program, you not only received fake inflated grades you "competed" in a school where 50-95% of your classmates were lazy underachievers. You never actually competed.

So of course the kid is a fish out of water academically and gets rattled mentally at a strong college where 95-100% of their peers are aggressive, polished, savvy and over-prepared. Peers just seem to know all the angles and how to play the "game". You feel like an idiot and no, no matter what people claim, you don't "catch up" to them in a year. It's not about being "the best," it's about being nowhere near their polished peers – and these mismatches often don't even show up on high school GPAs or ACT/SAT. So on paper you might not see it, but the differences are stark.

Holy load of arrogant crap. If you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program you received fake grades and you never competed?

For the most part, correct. But nobody calls their baby ugly — your kid is brilliant and where you bought a home the high school is ranked such and such. Blah blah blah. I can tell by your tone you can’t handle the truth.

Lol. Pretty sure I am not the one with a "tone" is this little discussion.
Lots of ugly lazy fake grades little babies are killing it at colleges that are as competitive as it gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid needs to find a reason to be excited about a few schools at the safety, target and reach levels. That way, no matter what happens, she will be content. Get rid of the "dream" nonsense now. I had a dream school. It didn't work out and I was sad to go to the school I ended up getting into. Of course, it all worked out but if someone had knocked some sense into me early on, I would have been happier and adjusted better.

I took this to heart with my own two (both currently in college). They created lists composed entirely of schools they would be happy to attend. Their orienting point was intended major but it doesn't have to be that. Once the first admit came through for each of them, they were so happy because they knew they were going to land at a great place no matter what.

Best of luck. It's a jungle out there.

+1

We banned the use of that term in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

This is overblown and a myth perpetuated on mommy forums. It's not about being rattled because you're not "the best," it's almost always because the kid received years and years of FAKE GRADES in a non-competitive k-12. And if you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program, you not only received fake inflated grades you "competed" in a school where 50-95% of your classmates were lazy underachievers. You never actually competed.

So of course the kid is a fish out of water academically and gets rattled mentally at a strong college where 95-100% of their peers are aggressive, polished, savvy and over-prepared. Peers just seem to know all the angles and how to play the "game". You feel like an idiot and no, no matter what people claim, you don't "catch up" to them in a year. It's not about being "the best," it's about being nowhere near their polished peers – and these mismatches often don't even show up on high school GPAs or ACT/SAT. So on paper you might not see it, but the differences are stark.

Holy load of arrogant crap. If you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program you received fake grades and you never competed?

For the most part, correct. But nobody calls their baby ugly — your kid is brilliant and where you bought a home the high school is ranked such and such. Blah blah blah. I can tell by your tone you can’t handle the truth.

Lol. Pretty sure I am not the one with a "tone" is this little discussion.
Lots of ugly lazy fake grades little babies are killing it at colleges that are as competitive as it gets.

Okay. You see what you want to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't have a dream school. Be realistic.

Exactly - I think it's the same thing with people who talk about buying their dream house or dream car or dream whatever. It sets unrealistic expectations.

This.

I have a junior and was thinking about this the other day. The whole college process has gotten so ridiculous on so many levels - the build-up cannot possibly match reality. What is it with all of these kids announcing where they are "committing," now, for example? The social media posts about acceptance letters, the yard signs to announce college plans to the world. It's all out of proportion to the reality of the experience of moving and going to school.

[Anonymous]

OP...your child does not need to attend a top prep or elite magnet in order to thrive in college. Nothing at all wrong with that and lots of well prepared college students come out of these places.

But most students come out of a variety of public high school options and go off to their dreams schools and also thrive. These kids seek out the challenges available to them and put in the work.

Can your student operate independently? Are they resourceful and motivated to find help and answers when they need them? Can they produce a well organized piece of writing for a variety of assignment...research paper, personal statement, science lab, etc. Can they manage their time? Do they absorb and act on communication they receive from school in a timely manner? Etc, etc.

Also mundane things..can they do a load of laundry? Take their own temperature? Give themselves a proper dose of medication? Hold a job if they need to work while going to school? Etc, etc.

By the time they make it though senior year, they will have made many strides towards succeeding in college.

If they do not seem ready in terms of academics, social or emotional maturity, etc....maybe consider a gap year to work on lagging skills.