Flaming out at "Dream School"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can empathize with a kid going through this and feeling the need to leave school. I can. However, I can't help thinking of all of the immigrants in my family that moved here for grad schools, sight (site?) unseen (often, never having been to the US, let alone complaining about the specific weather or culture). No matter what the difficulties were, they made it work, as so much was on the line. And they were all better for it. I know it has been discussed on other threads, but I honestly think the concept of 'fit' and 'happy' has made these youngsters a bit too precious.

Anyway, OP, tell your DD that the school is a great choice, but try to discourage the fixating as much as possible. Introduce schools to her that are at different levels, and the benefits of attending each. I think the skills that make a HS student successful generally prep you for college. At least that's how it's supposed to work!

I think because they had goals other than their own happiness. Our kids today have so much. They want for so little. They’re groundless in many ways. All they have left is their own introspection. They’re set up to believe they’re own happiness is the most important thing, when truthfully, that can be very hard to achieve.

There was some other thread where a poster talked about immigrants and the idea of thinking generationally. That one generation makes sacrifices for the benefit of the next one. I’m a first gen American and am acutely aware of the poverty my parents were born into and the sacrifices they made for my sibling and I. I hope I’m providing a grounding for my own children and a sense of the world being bigger than just themselves and their own interests at any one moment.

[Anonymous]

Dream schools, jobs and spouses are a myth. Teach them that there are pros and cons to every place and situation.

[Anonymous]

My DD got into her dream school and while of course I was thrilled for her I also saw it as a bit of a mixed blessing for the reasons you are thinking about. She ended up gapping last year because her school was going to be 100% remote. What she got in that additional year of growth and work and learning I think has been very useful now that she’s finally reached this place that was the promised land for so long. She’s certainly very excited to be there but a little bit more grown-up and a little bit less of a swooning teenager. I’m sure there will be stresses and challenges but I’m hopeful that the extra growth is helping her manage her expectations of a place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know of several (five) students who got into their first-choice school they'd been aiming for for years, only to drop out and come home at the end of the first year. For some, it was academic troubles, for others it was disappointment in the culture/community/vibe. It's almost as if the school couldn't possibly live up to the expectations they had. In each case it was very traumatic experience or the kids and, frankly, the family who had focused for years on that school as the goal and then it didn't work out.

My daughter is still a freshman, but has her eyes on a particular school and is becoming increasingly fixated on it. I do think she can get in. Any advice on how we can we prevent this sort of flame out if she does attend?

The issue is that at that age they believe they are going to transplant the entire life they know right now to the new place and all the people will be just like at home and will think like the people at home and will act like the people at home. Then they get there and realize that no, it isn't just going to be their hometown in a different spot. It is going to be different. They will have to adapt and it will be hard.

And for a lot of those kids they spent years being in a very safe bubble where they could count on the same people to have the same reactions. Kids who have grown up their whole lives in one area and in spot are the most at risk for this. And their parents should do better about guiding them to select schools that will really work for them and that might mean passing up some highly ranked school elsewhere and picking one closer to home.

[Anonymous]

OP, 12 credits is full time. Have an open mind to a light schedule to start. Be careful taking AP credits that put the student into more advanced classes.

In our house, no one voices falling in love with any particular university since money matters. All acceptances must be considered once final cost of attendance is in.

[Anonymous]

Have her fail at something and dont actively help but be near. Learning how to recover from something before college really really helps manage expectations but also be aware of how to move on. Be it, extra curricular, course, friendship going south etc. Teens think they are invincible and everything will work itself out without effort on their part (not everyone of course but some especially from nice supportive environments where everything was easy for them). I know of 3 people who flamed out freshman and second year from college (some top some other) and DH almost did but righted course which was hard. All were top students, athletes, club presidents in HS and seemed to sail through to their first choice schools.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of students are thrilled to get into their dream "reach" school, and then don't realize this means that they may end up at the bottom of the class in that school. And they will have to work much harder than they did in high school.

[Anonymous]

It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dream schools, jobs and spouses are a myth. Teach them that there are pros and cons to every place and situation.

Make a table of potential schools and have her write pros and cons. She can adjust this as the dream becomes more real. You're lucky in the sense that she's even excited about college--my DS didn't want to think about it until senior year of HS.

[Anonymous]

It's sad and I think a more frequent phenomenom. Smart phones and social media have ruined college. Nobody reinvents themselves, nobody makes 100% new friend groups. High school cliques rule every campus, from provincial state universities (obviously) to even top private universities, where rich prep school (and a handful of public ex. Stuy, TJ) alums rule campus because so many of them feed the college year after year.

Not saying you're destined to be friendless if you come from some random public school but you'll certainly feel like an outsider. It just depends on how Type A outgoing you are to overcome it or not let it bother you in the first place — and of course a little luck that you serendipitously bump into likeminded freshman.

Very few teens seek out and thrive in a place they don't know a soul, especially these days. I always had a lot of respect for out of state classmates at my alma mater 30 years ago. At age 18 they dove into a place they didn't know anyone ... and thrived!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know of several (five) students who got into their first-choice school they'd been aiming for for years, only to drop out and come home at the end of the first year. For some, it was academic troubles, for others it was disappointment in the culture/community/vibe. It's almost as if the school couldn't possibly live up to the expectations they had. In each case it was very traumatic experience or the kids and, frankly, the family who had focused for years on that school as the goal and then it didn't work out.

My daughter is still a freshman, but has her eyes on a particular school and is becoming increasingly fixated on it. I do think she can get in. Any advice on how we can we prevent this sort of flame out if she does attend?

And your job as parents is to make sure your kid doesn't become fixated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

This is overblown and a myth perpetuated on mommy forums. It's not about being rattled because you're not "the best," it's almost always because the kid received years and years of FAKE GRADES in a non-competitive k-12. And if you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program, you not only received fake inflated grades you "competed" in a school where 50-95% of your classmates were lazy underachievers. You never actually competed.

So of course the kid is a fish out of water academically and gets rattled mentally at a strong college where 95-100% of their peers are aggressive, polished, savvy and over-prepared. Peers just seem to know all the angles and how to play the "game". You feel like an idiot and no, no matter what people claim, you don't "catch up" to them in a year. It's not about being "the best," it's about being nowhere near their polished peers – and these mismatches often don't even show up on high school GPAs or ACT/SAT. So on paper you might not see it, but the differences are stark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one reason why top schools look for students that are athletes, artists, etc.

For students that lean on grades only for their self esteem will burn out most at top school because they can handle not being “the best” student.

This is overblown and a myth perpetuated on mommy forums. It's not about being rattled because you're not "the best," it's almost always because the kid received years and years of FAKE GRADES in a non-competitive k-12. And if you did not attend a top prep school or elite magnet program, you not only received fake inflated grades you "competed" in a school where 50-95% of your classmates were lazy underachievers. You never actually competed.

So of course the kid is a fish out of water academically and gets rattled mentally at a strong college where 95-100% of their peers are aggressive, polished, savvy and over-prepared. Peers just seem to know all the angles and how to play the "game". You feel like an idiot and no, no matter what people claim, you don't "catch up" to them in a year. It's not about being "the best," it's about being nowhere near their polished peers – and these mismatches often don't even show up on high school GPAs or ACT/SAT. So on paper you might not see it, but the differences are stark.

This is an overblown myth. Many hardworking fine students come out of fine public high schools and are very well prepared for college and thrive in college. Hardworking is hardworking and lazy is lazy.... regardless of the high school.

[Anonymous]

Maturity matters a lot. If your kid needs reminders, nagging, guidance on homework or projects in HS, they are already set up for failing out of college. Take a gap year. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

You're right, all the clients of mine who feel like idiots are lying to me. It's a conspiracy. From inferior high schools to average UMC high schools to elite magnet and prep schools, every 12th grader in the top 10% of their respective class leaves equally prepared to set the world on fire at college.