Flaming out at "Dream School"

[Anonymous]

I know of several (five) students who got into their first-choice school they'd been aiming for for years, only to drop out and come home at the end of the first year. For some, it was academic troubles, for others it was disappointment in the culture/community/vibe. It's almost as if the school couldn't possibly live up to the expectations they had. In each case it was very traumatic experience or the kids and, frankly, the family who had focused for years on that school as the goal and then it didn't work out.

My daughter is still a freshman, but has her eyes on a particular school and is becoming increasingly fixated on it. I do think she can get in. Any advice on how we can we prevent this sort of flame out if she does attend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know of several (five) students who got into their first-choice school they'd been aiming for for years, only to drop out and come home at the end of the first year. For some, it was academic troubles, for others it was disappointment in the culture/community/vibe. It's almost as if the school couldn't possibly live up to the expectations they had. In each case it was very traumatic experience or the kids and, frankly, the family who had focused for years on that school as the goal and then it didn't work out.

My daughter is still a freshman, but has her eyes on a particular school and is becoming increasingly fixated on it. I do think she can get in. Any advice on how we can we prevent this sort of flame out if she does attend?

Prepare academically by taking the most challenging courses she can in HS. If the maturity level is still lacking after she is accepted to dream school...take a gap year to mature enough to succeed away at college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know of several (five) students who got into their first-choice school they'd been aiming for for years, only to drop out and come home at the end of the first year. For some, it was academic troubles, for others it was disappointment in the culture/community/vibe. It's almost as if the school couldn't possibly live up to the expectations they had. In each case it was very traumatic experience or the kids and, frankly, the family who had focused for years on that school as the goal and then it didn't work out.

My daughter is still a freshman, but has her eyes on a particular school and is becoming increasingly fixated on it. I do think she can get in. Any advice on how we can we prevent this sort of flame out if she does attend?

Prepare academically by taking the most challenging courses she can in HS. If the maturity level is still lacking after she is accepted to dream school...take a gap year to mature enough to succeed away at college.

This is useless advice. It's not about the kid's maturity, it's about tempering expectations they may have for the college itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know of several (five) students who got into their first-choice school they'd been aiming for for years, only to drop out and come home at the end of the first year. For some, it was academic troubles, for others it was disappointment in the culture/community/vibe. It's almost as if the school couldn't possibly live up to the expectations they had. In each case it was very traumatic experience or the kids and, frankly, the family who had focused for years on that school as the goal and then it didn't work out.

My daughter is still a freshman, but has her eyes on a particular school and is becoming increasingly fixated on it. I do think she can get in. Any advice on how we can we prevent this sort of flame out if she does attend?

Also if this was the past year - please know that COVID first year freshmen had it difficult no matter if it was their dream school or not - it just wasn't the experience any child was expecting.

[Anonymous]

Mature people better understand how to manage expectations.

[Anonymous]

OP there is no magic answer. For every kid you know did not succeed there are ten that did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mature people better understand how to manage expectations.

You're a real treat, aren't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mature people better understand how to manage expectations.

You're a real treat, aren't you?

I am not the one going after posters. I had an immature kid get into a dream school, take a gap year and is doing well. I think the gap year helped a lot. That is all. Most kids don't take a gap year and manage to survive as well.

What exactly is the point of a chat forum if not to chat?

[Anonymous]

I can empathize with a kid going through this and feeling the need to leave school. I can. However, I can't help thinking of all of the immigrants in my family that moved here for grad schools, sight (site?) unseen (often, never having been to the US, let alone complaining about the specific weather or culture). No matter what the difficulties were, they made it work, as so much was on the line. And they were all better for it. I know it has been discussed on other threads, but I honestly think the concept of 'fit' and 'happy' has made these youngsters a bit too precious.

Anyway, OP, tell your DD that the school is a great choice, but try to discourage the fixating as much as possible. Introduce schools to her that are at different levels, and the benefits of attending each. I think the skills that make a HS student successful generally prep you for college. At least that's how it's supposed to work!

[Anonymous]

I think it helps for a high school student to have some close friends a year or two ahead of them in school. Especially when they first go away, kids like getting email from home. If they are close enough the younger kid will hear about not being able to get into all the classes you wanted, TAs whose English is difficult to understand, roommates who party in the room or who come back drunk and puke all over it, not getting into a club of interest, etc. In other words, they will learn college is not Nirvana.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that for every kid who thinks his/her dream school is x in 9th grade and stay fixated on it, there are probably many more kids who change their minds as they get older, know kids who have gone to different schools, and tour them personally. In the big picture of things to worry about for a 9th grader, this one would not be on my plate at all (FWIW, my kid changed his mind several times when he went on school visits).

[Anonymous]

It has always been unhealthy for people to convince themselves that there is ONE path to a bright future.

First of all, it is often unlikely to come to frution (statistically), so where does that leave these bright enthustiastic people so early in their life journey?

It is also a mistake to try to game the system so that your child winds up in a place that is beyond their capabilities. At a minimum, that means in every class they will feel "less than," instead of confident and successful.

Families should focus on their kids getting the education they will need to achieve their life goals (which do not stop at the rank of the school that admits them). It has more to do with entering a profession or impacting society.

I wish parents would help their kids gain some perspective, but of course if they model mindless status-seeking and competitiveness...then their kids may be in a hopeless situation.

[Anonymous]

I think just visit and research lots of schools--tell your kid the work of the next few years is that she'll need to find 10 schools she loves that you can afford and that have different selectivity. Some young kids really like to picture their futures and can fixate on one, but if you give her a project early on enough she can spread the love among a few schools (and thus temper the fantasy of the perfect dream school).

[Anonymous]

Don't have a dream school. Be realistic.

[Anonymous]

It's best to have a number of schools you want to go to and not be fixated on one. You've seen why.