Arguments about drinking
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Anonymous
OP, you really don't get it. He is much farther gone than you want to believe. |
Anonymous
Creepy how many people quoted and agreed with this. I'm guessing you're all childless women? Because I'm in my 40s and quite a few girlfriends who admit they themselves and/or their husbands had drinking issues before the first baby. All of them calmed down after the first baby was born – a couple of the husbands became teetotalers. Kids make you grow up, kids make you want to be a better person. Again, hard to believe anyone with children would tell you to "double" birth control or avoid having a baby at 30. Yeah, wait another few years for all of your healthy eggs to be gone. 
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Anonymous
On the other hand, sometimes non-alcoholics are drinking too much and need to change. One time, not long after college, I got black out drunk, got into a car, and wrecked. (Fortunately I was the only one hurt.) This is obviously hugely problematic behavior. I went to a court-ordered, 48 hour treatment program. It was pretty cookie-cutter. They insisted I was an alcoholic. I wasn't. I went 6 months without drinking anything. Then I started drinking again. This was 20 years ago and it hasn't been a problem. I drink a beer, maybe two, in a given evening. I get seriously drunk maybe once every two or three years. I'm sure that, twenty years ago, if I described how I had been drinking and the car accident, everyone on here would insist that I was an alcoholic -- and for pretty good reason. But I just needed a serious wake up call to knock me out of college drinking patterns. I could control my drinking, but back then it just seemed more fun not to. As for OP, I agree that drinking just a little is more proof of control than going cold turkey. And I think you probably want to set the goal in terms of months, not weeks. |
Anonymous
Based on what evidence? |
Anonymous
+1. It does not get any better from here, especially with this kind of blaming and projection going on toward OP. Run like hell. BTDT. |
Anonymous
See, here’s the issue. There are some people that just can’t moderate their drinking, and once they start, they can’t stop. Stress brings on the need to drink more and that becomes their coping mechanism, or lack thereof. No drinking becomes just one beer a night, then it’s two and then you’re back in the pattern you originally described. He has to see the problem in this and want to change, and with him projecting a bunch of BS at you (name calling and pickingg FH arguments) tells me he’s not there. Best advice I can offer as someone who deals with this, is Al Anon, detaching and setting boundaries. And don’t have kids with this guy unless he can get this under control. |
Anonymous
+1 My husband is a problem drinker and he can abstain for MONTHS at a time - he prides himself on being able to do that. He does not drink every day. But when he does drink, he can't stop. The idea proposed by some that you should see if he can abstain for a while may not be enough at all. My DH can do that and his ability to abstain has tricked me to believing that he can control his drinking several times in the past. But it is now clear that he absolutely continues to have a serious binge drinking problem. |
Anonymous
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I went through a very similar situation. Three years later, my husband has successfully found a treatment that works with his mental health(mental health is often also an issue) and spent some time in rehab for mental health/alcohol abuse. He is coming up on his one year sober-versary, and I am newly pregnant. I understand the risk of relapse but I am incredibly proud of all of the time he has put into his sobriety. I thought about leaving, but I chose to stay, understanding that relapses will happen, but you don’t forget everything you’ve learned along the way in recovery. We’ve both had family with alcohol and mental health issues who self medicated their entire lives, and we hope that we can forge a different way with our own little family, through honesty and compassion regarding theses challenges and our kids’ genetic predispositions.
If your husband is able to moderate successfully, great, if he’s not, know that it may be a long road, but help is available and sobriety is possible. I’ve also cut down on my own drinking, which has helped me be happier and healthier. You’re in my prayers! |
Anonymous
OP's DH drinks 6-7 drinks on weekdays and more on weekends. That is more than a "drinking issue." It is not a future child's responsibility to make their father "grow up" or "want to be a better person." A child deserves to be born to parents who are ready, willing, and able to parent responsibly. https://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/alcoholic-father ~ Adult child of alcoholics |
Anonymous
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Yeah, a 30 y/o OP should wait a few years until she can confirm he's stone sober. Or divorce and hope she meets and marries another fellow before she needs IVF. Get real.
Get pregnant a-sap and make the bloke grow up now. He's a drunk because he's BORED. You're both too old to not have children running around. |
Anonymous
DP - this is really unhelpful. OP is not dealing with repeated conversations and broken promises. It sounds like this current conversation/reaction may be the first or at least the start. I don't see what other choice she has at this point if he is willing to attempt steps to abstain and moderate. If he fails in the 2.5 weeks or the story is repeating itself in 6 months then it's a different conversation. |
Anonymous
What planet are you on? Alcoholism is not caused by boredom. |
Anonymous
Hi, Mrs. Duggar. OP is very young by DC standards and has plenty of time to create a family, with her DH or with someone else if DH can’t get his drinking under control. |
Anonymous
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OP, I say this as a recovering alcoholic: moderation will never work without him getting treatment for the reasons he drinks to start with. Most alcoholics have gone through periods of sobriety to “prove” they’re not alcoholics at some point.
And the fact that he still works, provides to the household, has never had a DUI, etc. Etc means nothing. I never missed a single day of work and was literally drinking morning until night. I was a full blown “functioning” alcoholic that hadn’t completely torched my life *yet*, although looking at the life I was living then, I would say I’d torched it plenty, just not in a way most people noticed. Get yourself to Al-anon. Get him into something, anything - but he’s going to have to follow that path himself. |
Anonymous
| OP, I HIGHLY recommend that during your sobriety trial with your DH you both download Annie Grace's alcohol experiment app. It's a 30 day, free program where you learn about the science behind alcohol each day. It changed my relationship with alcohol. |