Arguments about drinking

[Anonymous]

My DH (30) and I (30) have been married for two years. He is a great guy - kind, affectionate, and responsible. However, I am concerned about his drinking habits. (6-7 drinks on the weekdays and more on Fri-Sun.). The drinking is not affecting his work or his driving but it does cause him to become clearly drunk, annoying to be around, and uncoordinated. Sometimes, say maybe once a month, he drinks alone to excess, which also worries me. I told him that I was concerned about the drinking but oftentimes he would just get defensive or mad at me, say that he it doesn't affect him and divert the conversation instead to a laundry list of issues he has with me. After some time, we finally agreed to no hard alcohol during the week because of my concerns. However, the wine consumption just increased to sharing two bottles of wine on weeknights, the majority of which he would drink. Today after work I started making dinner and noticed he had drunk an entire bottle alone even before I was finished with work. He drank the majority of the second bottle as well. I probably should have let it go, but I said that I was concerned about the quantity of wine he was drinking, particularly drinking alone, and that I wanted us to try to do a few weeks of not drinking. He had promised to not drink with me when we start trying for kids, but I honestly want to see if he means that and can actually do it. He again got defensive, called me names, told me how I was wrong about a myriad of other issues in our relationship, and he refused to address the issue. This has happened numerous times. It gets to the point where I don't even want to talk to him about how I feel anymore because I know I am just going to be attacked for something unrelated. But maybe I am being overbearing by attempting to control his drinking. Do I just let this go and stop bringing it up? What can I do?

[Anonymous]

Similar issue here. Watching.

[Anonymous]

oh hun that’s alcoholic behavior and it’ll only get worse. I see threads like DH not cleaning or DH is a maga and I thin the divorce comments are overboard but in your case and anything involving alcohol, I think divorce is best. Imagine having kids in a year, will he stop? No. Will be be drunk and watching the kid? Sure. Will he be belligerent around kids? Yup.

He’s upset now because he knows he can’t stop and is a problem he’s trying to avoid it. This would scare me and I’d leave.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him you are not having kids with him unless he gets the drinking under control on a long term basis. Also get life insurance.

[Anonymous]

Not that you can change him, but if he’s game, suggest that yet two if you read Annie Grace’s The Naked Mind together. It might knock some sense into him.

[Anonymous]

When I was a little younger than him, I remember getting defensive when girlfriends -- it was always girlfriends -- would talk to me about my drinking. I was drinking a ton, but that was my entertainment and I was handling my responsibilities. So, I get what that's like on his end. As my responsibilities ramped up, my drinking went down. Now I'm 50 and have something like a 12 pack of beer spread throughout the week.

So, I'm generally prone to taking the drinker's side in these kinds of things. But what you describe is just too much. So, he needs to cut it back. I don't know exactly how you get him to understand that. Part of why I was so resistant was because so many people were way too uptight about drinking and were apt to describe even moderate, manageable drinking as a crisis. So I didn't trust that these people were particularly reliable at distinguishing between problematic and non-problematic behavior.

Also, probably part of the reason I kept drinking heavier than I should longer than I should was because I missed the things that went along with the drinking. My fun girlfriends who I met while drinking seemed to cut back on their consumption and became less fun in general. I missed my buddies who moved away and was generally resisting growing up. I eventually did, but in retrospect I was fighting against a lifetime spending increasingly sexless evenings watching reality TV with my significant other and having nothing to look forward to other than another several decades of work.

[Anonymous]

Double up on your birth control. This would be unacceptable to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm also watching this thread. My DH is older (late 40's) and doesn't drink as much but he's definitely dependent on alcohol and it's similar in the sense that he's a good guy, etc. An example of recent behavior-he had a few beers by himself at home on Friday night, Saturday night we went out with friends and he got drunk (slurring words, uncoordinated, etc) and tonight (Monday) he met up with a friend and had a beer or two (which obviously isn't much but I don't get the need to drink again on a Monday when you were drunk on a Saturday). Nothing I say or do makes a difference. This has been going on for years-his argument is that it's never impacted his work, he's never had a DUI and he doesn't drink every day (all true) but I can't help but be concerned/annoyed. When we were younger I didn't think much of it but we're both pushing 50.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has a drinking problem/alcohol use disorder or whatever label you want to put on it.

Full disclosure - I'm 20 years older, a woman, and I'm the one with the problem. I was not up to a bottle of wine a night at 30 years old, but close enough. My husband and I had a boozy lifestyle with boozy friends and that continued for a long, long time. And society is pretty accepting of the level of drinking you are describing. In my 30's, I laughed at the one healthcare provider that asked if anyone had ever suggested I had a drinking problem because I said I drank 3-4 drinks at a time on 3-4 days a week. The reality was it was at least 3 drinks a night every day of the week. Even when I had literally everything under control personally, professionally, and worked out like a maniac, I had a drinking problem. I'd like to say that I got help and solved it but I didn't and am probably lucky I am still married and have a job. It is now an enormous albatross dragging down my entire life and I am trying to figure out the way out.

Anyway, I suggest therapy for you with full disclosure to your therapist that you are trying to figure out your marriage and whether you should stay in it. And truth with your husband. Yes, he's going to be a defensive as$h0Le because he wants to continue to drink. I am very sorry you are going through this. But I do know a lot of people that have turned a corner and just given it up. I am hoping that can be your experience. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

That is a lot of alcohol. My dad died from cirrhosis, it was a slow and painful death. In his final moments he was vomiting blood, it was not a peaceful death. I would give him an ultimatum. If he doesn't have a problem, then you both give it up for 6 months and then maybe just drink on weekends or socially after that. Although he might just hide it from you. DO NOT have kids with him until he gets it under control, but then even if he does stop for a while he can easily start again..... Honestly though, with the way he has reacted so far to you trying to talk to him about it, I would leave him. My dad's drinking ruined my parents marriage and my sisters and I all have anxiety and trust issues.

[Anonymous]

Al-Anon and the “Getting Them Sober” series by Toby Rice Drews.

Brutal honesty is that you should divorce, especially if you want kids. Alcoholics rarely get better, even if they quit, relapse is highly likely (I come from a large family of alcoholics). If you have children, you’ll be trying to shield them from his drinking, which will get worse with time.

But it’s really hard to untangle yourself and usually takes a few years before you’re ready to leave. So just build up support for yourself as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Double up on your birth control. This would be unacceptable to me.

This. Do not bring a child into the world with an alcoholic. I’m really sorry, but you probably need to leave if you ever want a stable family. It will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH (30) and I (30) have been married for two years. He is a great guy - kind, affectionate, and responsible. However, I am concerned about his drinking habits. (6-7 drinks on the weekdays and more on Fri-Sun.). The drinking is not affecting his work or his driving but it does cause him to become clearly drunk, annoying to be around, and uncoordinated. Sometimes, say maybe once a month, he drinks alone to excess, which also worries me. I told him that I was concerned about the drinking but oftentimes he would just get defensive or mad at me, say that he it doesn't affect him and divert the conversation instead to a laundry list of issues he has with me. After some time, we finally agreed to no hard alcohol during the week because of my concerns. However, the wine consumption just increased to sharing two bottles of wine on weeknights, the majority of which he would drink. Today after work I started making dinner and noticed he had drunk an entire bottle alone even before I was finished with work. He drank the majority of the second bottle as well. I probably should have let it go, but I said that I was concerned about the quantity of wine he was drinking, particularly drinking alone, and that I wanted us to try to do a few weeks of not drinking. He had promised to not drink with me when we start trying for kids, but I honestly want to see if he means that and can actually do it. He again got defensive, called me names, told me how I was wrong about a myriad of other issues in our relationship, and he refused to address the issue. This has happened numerous times. It gets to the point where I don't even want to talk to him about how I feel anymore because I know I am just going to be attacked for something unrelated. But maybe I am being overbearing by attempting to control his drinking. Do I just let this go and stop bringing it up? What can I do?

Is the term starter marriage still being used.

[Anonymous]

Don’t waste the pretty. Get out now while you can find another partner in your 30s if you want kods.

If you stay, this guy needs to be in active sobriety for at least five years before you should think about kids.

[Anonymous]

Dh and and I are both pretty big drinkers, and that seems like a lot to me. Polishing off a whole bottle of wine by oneself is a lot. I’m honestly someone who has bordered on problematic drinking at various times in my life, and that amount would concern me.

So maybe this sounds stupid, but something that helps me when I’m cutting back is fancy soda. A blackberry or clementine Izze will feel like I’m drinking something special and keep me from drinking as much wine as I might have otherwise. Keep something like that in the fridge and ask him to join you in it. Maybe you can get him to cut back, maybe you can’t, but I’d try something before pulling the plug. But yeah, that’s some pretty heavy drinking, and I’m one who’d know.