Arguments about drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, a 30 y/o OP should wait a few years until she can confirm he's stone sober. Or divorce and hope she meets and marries another fellow before she needs IVF. Get real.

Get pregnant a-sap and make the bloke grow up now. He's a drunk because he's BORED. You're both too old to not have children running around.

What planet are you on? Alcoholism is not caused by boredom.

No, but sometimes heavy drinking is caused by boredom.

[Anonymous]

Get out or accept that is who he is. Or spend precious years of your life trying to convince someone to change a habit they don't even think is a problem. I would say if he acknowledged he had a problem and wanted to change it, then you would have a chance and it would be worth a shot. As it stands, you're not even there, so no. Let him live his life the way he wants. He is entitled to that. As are you.

[Anonymous]

You’re 30 and married. Have some kids before it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, a 30 y/o OP should wait a few years until she can confirm he's stone sober. Or divorce and hope she meets and marries another fellow before she needs IVF. Get real.

Get pregnant a-sap and make the bloke grow up now. He's a drunk because he's BORED. You're both too old to not have children running around.

This was my mom's plan. Can't say I'd recommend it!

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH and I stuck with the no drinking through end of the month like we had agreed. There were no issues or sneaking anything. I personally missed having a glass of wine a few times and I think my DH did as well but after a week we both had pretty much gotten into a routine and the lack of drinks even in social situations was not a problem. I felt really good about how it went!

Today was the first day back to “normal.” It was also my DH’s last day at his prior job and day before we go on a big trip, so cause for celebration. We split a nice bottle of champagne and definitely felt it more than usual. My DH then proceeded to drink two martinis (3 shots each), a large serving of whiskey, and half a bottle of wine over about 4 hours during/after dinner. I feel like we are back to where we were. I brought that up, and DH got annoyed with me. Am I being neurotic? Is it possible/a good idea to jointly come up with what a “reasonable” amount of drinking is and both agree to it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I stuck with the no drinking through end of the month like we had agreed. There were no issues or sneaking anything. I personally missed having a glass of wine a few times and I think my DH did as well but after a week we both had pretty much gotten into a routine and the lack of drinks even in social situations was not a problem. I felt really good about how it went!

Today was the first day back to “normal.” It was also my DH’s last day at his prior job and day before we go on a big trip, so cause for celebration. We split a nice bottle of champagne and definitely felt it more than usual. My DH then proceeded to drink two martinis (3 shots each), a large serving of whiskey, and half a bottle of wine over about 4 hours during/after dinner. I feel like we are back to where we were. I brought that up, and DH got annoyed with me. Am I being neurotic? Is it possible/a good idea to jointly come up with what a “reasonable” amount of drinking is and both agree to it?

Not when you’re dealing with alcoholism, no. That’s the very definition of it op. He can’t drink a “reasonable “ amount. It’s all or nothing as you’ve learned

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I stuck with the no drinking through end of the month like we had agreed. There were no issues or sneaking anything. I personally missed having a glass of wine a few times and I think my DH did as well but after a week we both had pretty much gotten into a routine and the lack of drinks even in social situations was not a problem. I felt really good about how it went!

Today was the first day back to “normal.” It was also my DH’s last day at his prior job and day before we go on a big trip, so cause for celebration. We split a nice bottle of champagne and definitely felt it more than usual. My DH then proceeded to drink two martinis (3 shots each), a large serving of whiskey, and half a bottle of wine over about 4 hours during/after dinner. I feel like we are back to where we were. I brought that up, and DH got annoyed with me. Am I being neurotic? Is it possible/a good idea to jointly come up with what a “reasonable” amount of drinking is and both agree to it?

When a person has altered their brain through addiction there is no going back...it's either all or nothing. It appears he has passed the point of controlling it.

[Anonymous]

You really, really need to do a lot of reading on alcoholism. You continue to sound incredibly naive about what is going on here.

This guy not being able to stop drinking once he started is totally and utterly predictable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm also watching this thread. My DH is older (late 40's) and doesn't drink as much but he's definitely dependent on alcohol and it's similar in the sense that he's a good guy, etc. An example of recent behavior-he had a few beers by himself at home on Friday night, Saturday night we went out with friends and he got drunk (slurring words, uncoordinated, etc) and tonight (Monday) he met up with a friend and had a beer or two (which obviously isn't much but I don't get the need to drink again on a Monday when you were drunk on a Saturday). Nothing I say or do makes a difference. This has been going on for years-his argument is that it's never impacted his work, he's never had a DUI and he doesn't drink every day (all true) but I can't help but be concerned/annoyed. When we were younger I didn't think much of it but we're both pushing 50.

The problem is that he will get alcohol related health problems in the next decade. They take a long time to occur but they catch up with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH (30) and I (30) have been married for two years. He is a great guy - kind, affectionate, and responsible. However, I am concerned about his drinking habits. (6-7 drinks on the weekdays and more on Fri-Sun.). The drinking is not affecting his work or his driving but it does cause him to become clearly drunk, annoying to be around, and uncoordinated. Sometimes, say maybe once a month, he drinks alone to excess, which also worries me. I told him that I was concerned about the drinking but oftentimes he would just get defensive or mad at me, say that he it doesn't affect him and divert the conversation instead to a laundry list of issues he has with me. After some time, we finally agreed to no hard alcohol during the week because of my concerns. However, the wine consumption just increased to sharing two bottles of wine on weeknights, the majority of which he would drink. Today after work I started making dinner and noticed he had drunk an entire bottle alone even before I was finished with work. He drank the majority of the second bottle as well. I probably should have let it go, but I said that I was concerned about the quantity of wine he was drinking, particularly drinking alone, and that I wanted us to try to do a few weeks of not drinking. He had promised to not drink with me when we start trying for kids, but I honestly want to see if he means that and can actually do it. He again got defensive, called me names, told me how I was wrong about a myriad of other issues in our relationship, and he refused to address the issue. This has happened numerous times. It gets to the point where I don't even want to talk to him about how I feel anymore because I know I am just going to be attacked for something unrelated. But maybe I am being overbearing by attempting to control his drinking. Do I just let this go and stop bringing it up? What can I do?

Dated a woman, bad alcoholic. Tore me up so bad, tried to help, took advice from friends, 800 # substance support lines, read up… and the only thing that saved me was Al Anon ( support group).

I zoomed into these meetings, mainly spouses, terrible stories. One time, I stayed on after and spoke with this little older lady from a rural part of Texas. We had a great talk, and she said, “ the alcoholic’s health does not suffer as much as the loved one do”. Made total sense, the light bulb finally went off.

Her drinking got extreme, as in hospital visits, and she moved away. I then said goodbye, hardest think I ever did.

Make sure you take care of yourself 1st.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to keep raising the drinking to him while he’s already drunk. That’s not the time to have the conversation. If you want to stay married to this man and have children, I suggest going to therapy to specifically discuss the drinking.

My ex husband sounds a lot like yours. I told him when I turned 30 that I didn’t want to have kids with an alcoholic. Well, we got divorced. He literally chose alcohol over me and our future family. Even if your husband says he’ll change when you have kids, he won’t. You need to fix this now, probably with professional help.

[Anonymous]

OP, unfortunately he has shown that he is an alcoholic. Moderation will not work. Rules and limits will not work. He needs to get into AA, rehab, etc. I started with Annie Grace 30 day experiment. It worked after decades of alcoholic drinking and constant trial periods of abstinence. Do not have kids unless he can get sober. He has to want to do it for himself, not to please you. He has to realize he is an alcoholic. For an alcoholic, one drink is too many, one hundred is not enough. That back to “normal” day after abstaining for a few weeks is all you need to know. Get yourself to al-anon.

[Anonymous]

OP, he’s an alcoholic. He can’t moderate his drinking. It’s harder for an alcoholic to have a limited amount than it is to abstain for a while, as you just experienced.

He’s going to need treatment. Spouses of alcoholics who are reading this are seeing what you don’t know yet.

He needs to want to get sober. It doesn’t sound like he does.

[Anonymous]

Op, for some reason I thought about your post and realized an important question you need to ask yourself is whether YOU want to live a sober life. You said in one of your posts that during your two weeks of not drinking, you missed it. If he eventually accepts that he’s an alcoholic and finds his way to recovery, he will be a sober alcoholic. Not person who can drink in moderation. It’s highly likely that to get him to recovery, you will need to be sober, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH (30) and I (30) have been married for two years. He is a great guy - kind, affectionate, and responsible. However, I am concerned about his drinking habits. (6-7 drinks on the weekdays and more on Fri-Sun.). The drinking is not affecting his work or his driving but it does cause him to become clearly drunk, annoying to be around, and uncoordinated. Sometimes, say maybe once a month, he drinks alone to excess, which also worries me. I told him that I was concerned about the drinking but oftentimes he would just get defensive or mad at me, say that he it doesn't affect him and divert the conversation instead to a laundry list of issues he has with me. After some time, we finally agreed to no hard alcohol during the week because of my concerns. However, the wine consumption just increased to sharing two bottles of wine on weeknights, the majority of which he would drink. Today after work I started making dinner and noticed he had drunk an entire bottle alone even before I was finished with work. He drank the majority of the second bottle as well. I probably should have let it go, but I said that I was concerned about the quantity of wine he was drinking, particularly drinking alone, and that I wanted us to try to do a few weeks of not drinking. He had promised to not drink with me when we start trying for kids, but I honestly want to see if he means that and can actually do it. He again got defensive, called me names, told me how I was wrong about a myriad of other issues in our relationship, and he refused to address the issue. This has happened numerous times. It gets to the point where I don't even want to talk to him about how I feel anymore because I know I am just going to be attacked for something unrelated. But maybe I am being overbearing by attempting to control his drinking. Do I just let this go and stop bringing it up? What can I do?

Is the term starter marriage still being used.

This.
Get out, girl. Do not settle for this garbage. You're still young enough to start over.