Arguments about drinking

[Anonymous]

...(6-7 drinks on the weekdays and more on Fri-Sun.)...

100% alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

OP, please don’t disappear. Some people here are harsh but plenty want to help you think it through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an alcoholic. You need to divorce.

That's incredibly harsh. What happened to "in sickness and in health"?

That said- a frank conversation is in order though. You love him, you planned to be married forever, have kids etc. And you cant do that in the state he is currently in. And you want to HELP him, if he is willing to get help.

You dont just instantly divorce.

F that. They do not have kids. He does not think he has a problem and thinks that she is the problem. This is not someone who is ready to change or accept help to do so. OP does not have to stay with an emotionally and verbally abusive addict.

OP, get yourself a counselor who has experience with addiction who can help you understand addiction a little bit more and figure out your boundaries. Try al-anon and see if any of that sounds familiar.

Recovery/sobriety is a lifelong exercise for most alcoholics. It isn’t something a person achieves and then they don’t have to think about it anymore.

Do NOT have kids with him. You’re noticing the red flags. You probably have a gut feeling that you’re trying to ignore. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

Ask me how I know…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Double up on your birth control. This would be unacceptable to me.

Exactly this. Put birth control back in place STAT.

And I'd start going to Al-anon. If his drinking is "not a big deal" not much will resonate there. But I suspect that's not the case. The defensiveness is a huge red flag. He may not physically be able to stop on his own.

[Anonymous]

Having a baby is a crisis point for most marriages. If this is how he copes now, how will he cope with that crisis - its new and emergency needs, lack of sleep, reevaluating your roles in the relationship, figuring out how you parent and partner - its really hard to have a new baby.

And he won't stop when you get pregnant. He'll drink more since he has a built in Designated Driver and because he's totally going to stop once the baby is born. That goal post will keep moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an alcoholic. You need to divorce.

That's incredibly harsh. What happened to "in sickness and in health"?

That said- a frank conversation is in order though. You love him, you planned to be married forever, have kids etc. And you cant do that in the state he is currently in. And you want to HELP him, if he is willing to get help.

You dont just instantly divorce.

That doesn't apply to people who have an illness but refuse to get treatment. It would be one thing if he genuinely wanted to change and was going to AA meetings, rehab, therapy, etc. But he's not, and often, losing everything is what motivates addicts to change. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Double up on your birth control. This would be unacceptable to me.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the feedback; honestly the divorce recommendations were a bit frightening though. I don’t think that is the best solution at this point. This morning my husband agreed that the bottle of wine before dinner was too much. We talked about just splitting a bottle during the weekdays if we both decide to drink during dinner and no drinking alone. I’m still a little concerned about sticking with this rhythm going forward but my husband also had some overspending habits that he got totally under control within the last year. I feel like if he puts his mind to something he can achieve it. At this point, I’m more concerned about the conflict resolution piece and feeling like we can talk productively without these type of arguments. That’s not as simple to implement as agreeing to a certain number of drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback; honestly the divorce recommendations were a bit frightening though. I don’t think that is the best solution at this point. This morning my husband agreed that the bottle of wine before dinner was too much. We talked about just splitting a bottle during the weekdays if we both decide to drink during dinner and no drinking alone. I’m still a little concerned about sticking with this rhythm going forward but my husband also had some overspending habits that he got totally under control within the last year. I feel like if he puts his mind to something he can achieve it. At this point, I’m more concerned about the conflict resolution piece and feeling like we can talk productively without these type of arguments. That’s not as simple to implement as agreeing to a certain number of drinks.

You are going to end up being his gatekeeper, which will be a miserable dynamic for you both. He’s not able to “just decide to drink during dinner” and split a bottle in the same way that you are (in the sense that you can take it or leave it and every ounce of his being is thinking about the next drink). You’re in denial as well.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m so sorry.

I married a man who was the same. It got worse during each pregnancy. I became the gatekeeper. OR, when not pregnant I drank too much to try to normalize his drinking. Both zero sum propositions. I ultimately quit drinking entirely- he left 8 mos later- choosing to drink over have his family.

Please- don’t be me. Have the courage to take a stand for your relationship amd future children- if he can’t agree to quitting I’d urge you to end the marriage. Again- I truly say this with nothing but concern- not judgment.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was where you are.

It IS scary, but I would say you can only stay IF (1) you put off getting pregnant for a long time, dependent on 2 and 3; (2) you get individual and marital counseling to help you communicate about this issue; and (3) he seeks help for his alcoholism. Do not kid yourself that this is not an addiction (the spending issue only confirms this in my mind) and think that he can do this on his own through sheer will.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Husband also said we could stop drinking entirely if I wanted that. I am considering we try that for a period of time. Would you recommend that approach as opposed to moderation? For a few weeks? Can that help confirm that he does not have an alcohol dependency as he states? I am not convinced he is an alcoholic considering there are some days when he drinks less or not at all. It seems to be worse during periods of stress. He does not think it is a problem because it doesn’t control him. Thanks for the thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband also said we could stop drinking entirely if I wanted that. I am considering we try that for a period of time. Would you recommend that approach as opposed to moderation? For a few weeks? Can that help confirm that he does not have an alcohol dependency as he states? I am not convinced he is an alcoholic considering there are some days when he drinks less or not at all. It seems to be worse during periods of stress. He does not think it is a problem because it doesn’t control him. Thanks for the thoughts.

I'm amazed how blind you are. Please reread this thread. PPs have already suggested that he try abstaining for 6 months, and you're talking about a few weeks??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband also said we could stop drinking entirely if I wanted that. I am considering we try that for a period of time. Would you recommend that approach as opposed to moderation? For a few weeks? Can that help confirm that he does not have an alcohol dependency as he states? I am not convinced he is an alcoholic considering there are some days when he drinks less or not at all. It seems to be worse during periods of stress. He does not think it is a problem because it doesn’t control him. Thanks for the thoughts.

That response is one of hubris and denial. There is no way he can actually do that. So I say go for it, and see where he lands.

I've seen this on these boards before, and it's starting to ring true to me - when you start having to adopt rules of drinking, you're sunk. When it becomes something you strategize around, create boundaries for, etc. you have a problem. So the "only a bottle during the week" is doomed to fail. He already knows he wants more. That's just a way to engage in boundary setting and it won't work.

I really think I see through him because I am him. I don't drink to that excess, but I have all these rules I engage in, and they're just dumb. I very likely can't drink at all because for me, the goal posts are constantly shifting, and the rules are great until you're one or two glasses of wine in and all of a sudden you forget the rules. It's not done intentionally or maliciously. It's done because he's/I'm out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback; honestly the divorce recommendations were a bit frightening though. I don’t think that is the best solution at this point. This morning my husband agreed that the bottle of wine before dinner was too much. We talked about just splitting a bottle during the weekdays if we both decide to drink during dinner and no drinking alone. I’m still a little concerned about sticking with this rhythm going forward but my husband also had some overspending habits that he got totally under control within the last year. I feel like if he puts his mind to something he can achieve it. At this point, I’m more concerned about the conflict resolution piece and feeling like we can talk productively without these type of arguments. That’s not as simple to implement as agreeing to a certain number of drinks.

Alcohol issues, overspending issues, communication issues. Lots of red flags here. I would talk to a therapist (individual) and insist on couples therapy.