If you were 39, would you have a baby even if you weren't married?

[Anonymous]

My friend is turning 39 in 3 months. She is divorced with no kids and is dating a man who is also divorced with no kids. They are very much in love and want the same things. They met online earlier this year and have been together for about 9 months. He wants to have a baby with her. I think he is hesitant to go through an expensive wedding again. The divorce wiped out his savings. My friend wants at least an engagement ring and some semblance of a honeymoon (Bora Bora, Maldives, Hawaii, Fiji type place) even if they aren't married yet before being pregnant. My friend said she doesn't want or need a wedding since her first marriage was only 3 years ago.

If you were 39, would you go for a baby even if you weren't married?

[Anonymous]

I would have a baby by myself if I was 39 and single. I can afford a baby and my family is very involved.

But 39 and dating a guy who doesn't want to get married sounds rocky. Weddings don't have to be expensive, go to a JOP. I would rather have a sperm donor than a boyfriend who might not be there in the future and would want custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a baby by myself if I was 39 and single. I can afford a baby and my family is very involved.

But 39 and dating a guy who doesn't want to get married sounds rocky. Weddings don't have to be expensive, go to a JOP. I would rather have a sperm donor than a boyfriend who might not be there in the future and would want custody.

Strongly agree.

[Anonymous]

Your friend wants a fucking expensive - $10,000 honeymoon when the man has already said he wiped out his savings? What does she want him to do - charge it?

On top of having a baby which is one of the most expense things they can do.

Explain to her kindly that courthouse weddings and simple vacations a few states over are a thing.

Also your question doesn't make sense - they want to get married. They plan on marrying soon. There's nothing wrong with having a baby at 39, though there's no reason not to just sign the legal marriage documents while the kid is in utero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a baby by myself if I was 39 and single. I can afford a baby and my family is very involved.

But 39 and dating a guy who doesn't want to get married sounds rocky. Weddings don't have to be expensive, go to a JOP. I would rather have a sperm donor than a boyfriend who might not be there in the future and would want custody.

The guy would absolutely marry her if they had a kid together. The order is just off.

If she were 29, I totally get that she should wait for the ring but her biological clock doesn't allow her the extra time.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you're saying he's willing to get married but doesn't want to spend 5-6 figures on something that's over in 1-3 days. I completely understand. If that's the case, just tell her to let the fancy vacation go. She just got married and divorced 3 years ago according to you.

[Anonymous]

no. I'm a divorced mom with a part time involved ex husband. It's so hard. It gets harder as they get older.

There's a part off me that hopes my kids never have kids. I hope they spend their lives enjoying their lives to the fullest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend wants a fucking expensive - $10,000 honeymoon when the man has already said he wiped out his savings? What does she want him to do - charge it?

On top of having a baby which is one of the most expense things they can do.

Explain to her kindly that courthouse weddings and simple vacations a few states over are a thing.

Also your question doesn't make sense - they want to get married. They plan on marrying soon. There's nothing wrong with having a baby at 39, though there's no reason not to just sign the legal marriage documents while the kid is in utero.

The guy has not mentioned marriage, just a baby. He seems like a really good family guy and I think he would marry her if she were pregnant. They have been together for less than a year and he was burned by first marriage so I under his hesitation.

My DH was supposedly madly in love with me and it still took him 2.5 years to propose to me. Then 1.5 years until our actual wedding. My friend doesn't have 2-3 years since she is pushing 40.

We have 3 kids but I have many friends who have struggled with infertility. I hear about IUI and IVF ALL the time amongst my mid-late 30's friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you're saying he's willing to get married but doesn't want to spend 5-6 figures on something that's over in 1-3 days. I completely understand. If that's the case, just tell her to let the fancy vacation go. She just got married and divorced 3 years ago according to you.

My friend wants a nice ring plus fancy vacation. She does not want/need/expect a wedding. She would be fine going to the courthouse.

Guy had not mentioned marriage but wants a baby. Friend and I both think that he would of course marry her if she got pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you're saying he's willing to get married but doesn't want to spend 5-6 figures on something that's over in 1-3 days. I completely understand. If that's the case, just tell her to let the fancy vacation go. She just got married and divorced 3 years ago according to you.

She got married 3 years ago, separated 2 years ago and legally divorced about 1yr ago. She was dating through separation and this guy is her first relationship post divorce.

[Anonymous]

NO. Being an old mom sucks, both for you and the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO. Being an old mom sucks, both for you and the kid.

39 is not an old mom.

[Anonymous]

Ha! I was 38 and found a man who wanted to have a baby with me. I mean, why would we need a piece of paper, right?

Listen to this wise old crone, OP. "He seems like a really good family guy" is not a compatible statement with "we don't need to be married." Go to the courthouse, travel to Bora Bora and get pregnant. Do a prenup, with custody contingencies, if possible.

We had a wedding between the two babies we had. I was a single mom the entire time. I know that's a highly contested term on DCUM, and yes, I hate the whole "my DH is away for the weekend, so I'm a single mom" thing. But, JUST as he thought so little of marriage, he also turned out to have the same cavalier attitude towards parenting. "Seems like a really good family guy" describes my XH to a "T" and here I am. Luckily, I have full legal and physical custody. This "family man" loves photo shoots and decorating his bachelor pad with pictures of our children. I overheard him talking to another man about how much life changes after children and wanted to fucking puke. How? For him?

Understand going in the risk of single-parenting this baby. If your friend is cool with that being the outcome, hey, go for it. It's been three years since his divorce. He's eligible to marry your friend. That he doesn't want to says something. He's hesitant about the ring and the faux honeymoon, but wants a baby? That's a very specific kind of relationship. She'd be a fool (like me) not to see it for what it is.

Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

From the information that you have posted, your friend sounds very immature. She was married in her late 30's and was separated within a year with no kids? That sounds suspect at best. Now she is dating and thinks she might want to get married but is not sure unless a kid is involved? I know it sounds harsh but a child needs a stable home. That is not something that she seems to be able to provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ha! I was 38 and found a man who wanted to have a baby with me. I mean, why would we need a piece of paper, right?

Listen to this wise old crone, OP. "He seems like a really good family guy" is not a compatible statement with "we don't need to be married." Go to the courthouse, travel to Bora Bora and get pregnant. Do a prenup, with custody contingencies, if possible.

We had a wedding between the two babies we had. I was a single mom the entire time. I know that's a highly contested term on DCUM, and yes, I hate the whole "my DH is away for the weekend, so I'm a single mom" thing. But, JUST as he thought so little of marriage, he also turned out to have the same cavalier attitude towards parenting. "Seems like a really good family guy" describes my XH to a "T" and here I am. Luckily, I have full legal and physical custody. This "family man" loves photo shoots and decorating his bachelor pad with pictures of our children. I overheard him talking to another man about how much life changes after children and wanted to fucking puke. How? For him?

Understand going in the risk of single-parenting this baby. If your friend is cool with that being the outcome, hey, go for it. It's been three years since his divorce. He's eligible to marry your friend. That he doesn't want to says something. He's hesitant about the ring and the faux honeymoon, but wants a baby? That's a very specific kind of relationship. She'd be a fool (like me) not to see it for what it is.

Good luck!!

OP here. I guess I don't think the marriage part is a big deal but I have been married for almost 10 years. I did everything in the right order. After the baby came, it was just taking turns with the baby. Then second child and third child came. I don't even wear my rings anymore and pretty sure DH lost his ring at the hospital. Life is hectic with kids. My friend said I feel that way because I had my ring, wedding and honeymoon to Bora Bora. It was so long ago that it is just a distant memory.