saying no to sharing, am I modeling it correctly?
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Anonymous
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DS is 8 and has special needs. At school he has lots of opportunities to play with peers and share items. If anything, he lacks assertiveness and gives up toys and turns either because the other kid is more aggressive (grabbing) or because he is worried the other kid will feel badly if he doesn't.
DS is learning to do a lot of new things, like ride a bike, kick a ball, catch a frisbee, etc. He also has a metal detector he is learning to use. When we go to the park to practice any with any of those things often other kids will want to join in or ask for a turn. Usually neither of us want to say yes, mostly because he is focused on practicing by himself, or because we just want to spend the time alone together. DS is very shy and has language delays so usually I model a friendly but clear no, like "Sorry, the X is not a toy that he shares." or "No, today we are practicing throwing and catching with just the two of us." Occasionally DS will speak up for himself, but we are still working on that. The kids usually respond OK, though a few times they have continued to ask, and a couple kids have complained to their parents I think. One kid walk away and cried "They said NOOOOOOOOOO!" I felt bad, but it didn't change my mind. Any advice? How do you, or your kids, refuse these requests? Is it really unusual that we are saying no? The crying kid made me wonder... |
Anonymous
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What "toys" are others grabbing from him at school? That seems odd for 3rd grade.
I think you feel badly because innately you know you are wrong. |
Anonymous
Agree! I have had friends decide their children won't be sharing yet expect my kids to share with theirs. This is just wrong. |
Anonymous
| I spend a lot of time trying to teach my kids to share. They need no help in telling others "No" or "it's mine" as that comes naturally. I think you are taking the wrong approach. Why can't he let another kid take a turn (of course he gets it back after x amount of time)? It's also not wrong to share bc the other kid will feel badly - that's empathy. Is your kid going to end up with any friends? |
Anonymous
| um, you're not wrong op. no one says you have to share anything. Sounds like you're at the public space with a specific purpose - to practice a specific skill with the item you brought with you. I don't think that's wrong. You could either continue saying no, practice that skill at your house, or say to the kid that you all can't share right now but that you could in a little bit after you all are done practicing (or something like that). that would help your kid have some social time, too, at the park. |
Anonymous
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I don't think your kid should have to give up a toy when he is actually playing with it but it doesnt hurt to say " Larlo is playing with it right now, if we are done in a few mins you are welcome to have a turn"
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Anonymous
In the scenario of being at the park and playing catch, I would actually invite the other kid who came over to play with you and stay in the game as well. It gives your DS more practice to catch from peers and interact with them. I would not feel compelled to give away the balls/frisbee to another kid to go off and play by themselves. I have told kids no before and my child has been told no when asking to join in. It happens and isn't the end of the world. |
Anonymous
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I don't think you are required to share but I would set aside some of the play time to interact with other kids. Maybe tell kids that ask that "Larlo is doing it on his own now but will want to play/share in 15 minutes." Then make sure Larlo does go and ask the other kid if they want to play when the time comes, good for him to practice social skills.
Not the metal detector though, but not sure you can have that in the park anyways. |
Anonymous
| I am on team OP here. There is no reason your son has to give every kid in the park a turn on his expensive electronic toy. And trust me, if he gives one kid a turn, then there's going to be a line of kids waiting. I think your answer is just fine. "He's practicing today." |
Anonymous
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OP it is fine to say no. Just b/c you are in public with DS's toys doesn't make them public property. You just can't expect others to share if you are not willing to share yourself.
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Anonymous
Why can't he learn to play catch/frisbee/etc with kids at the park? Or why go to the park when you want to be alone (obvious answer here is you don't have the room)? You just have different viewpoints than others - I explicitly tell my children not to take items they don't want to share to a place where other kids are playing. You brought it, you share it. Especially if you are going to turn around 5 minutes later and ask to join in someone else's fun. |
Anonymous
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Since their children were very small, our neighbors have allowed their children to say that a toy is their "special toy" and refuse to share the toy with other kids. This includes when their children bring the special toy to the playground or to someone else's house or when they invite another child over to their house to play.
This approach has always bugged me, because it isn't teaching anyone anything helpful, but I dealt with it and explained it to my own kids when it was limited to one particular toy. Now that their kids are older, all toys have become "special" and those kids simply do not know how to share. They get upset if someone else won't share with them, but cannot fathom why claiming a toy is special isn't enough to end a discussion of their own sharing. I always thought that they should tell the child that they could either play with the special toy by themselves (in other room or another place) or put it away, or that they had to share the toy if they were going to play with it in front of kids. The kid doesn't have to share...they can choose to be alone or put the toy away instead. For my own kids, if we are playing around other kids, we share what we're playing with. This doesn't have to mean giving it up. They can include others in their game, or take turns. If they don't want to share, the toy gets put away until it can be either shared or played with solo. |
Anonymous
| You are modeling correctly. It is also developmentally normal (although annoying) for the other kid to sob and try to get his way and use your toy. You show your kid how to deal with that by not giving in. If you had another kid, this would be a daily, if not hourly, occurrence among siblings, and you wouldn't be so uncomfortable. No one is right or wrong in the situation, it is just part of life. |
Anonymous
| You need to let your son handle this. If he finds himself giving up his toys more often then he would like, then you two can talk about it, and you can practice effective ways for him to say "no." You model for your kids by saying no yourself when someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, not by handling situations for them. |
Anonymous
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The people who are saying the kid must share have bizarre viewpoints. People can ask to join in something, but they are under no obligation to let them. And expecting them to hand it right over is ridiculous. We don't expect this of adults, why would kids be expected to?
"Hey, you look like you're having fun with that soccer ball man, can I borrow it?" Also, did you miss the part where the kid is special needs? |