saying no to sharing, am I modeling it correctly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the opinions are quite divided.

Op, do you ever include the other kids? I wouldn't hand over the bike (nobody expects that), but do you ever let other kids play catch or kick the ball WITH you/your kid? It's a good way to make friends, and I don't see how it would be detrimental to your goal of "practicing" his skills.

The metal detector: kids are going to be curious about that, that's to be expected. I don't think you need to share it, but you should take it only to places where there aren't a lot of other kids. You can find lots of good stuff at places that aren't parks.

Why? Why should OP's kid have to do this just because other kids at the park might want to play with something someone else has? It's not theirs, and it's not mean to decline to share your own personal items with random people in a public space no matter who asks. If a kid invite someone to come play, yes, that's a time when they need to share their toys. But if my kid goes to a park with a toy, and someone my kid runs into there wants to play with the toy, I don't think my kid has any obligation either to say yes or to stop playing with the toy at the park so the other kids won't want it.

If a behavior is neither an infringement of anyone else's rights nor against the rules of the location at which the behavior is taking place, there's no obligation to change the behavior just to suit someone else's preferences. Is the metal detector allowed at the park? Is it ethical to decline to share the metal detector? Yes. Then OP's get should get the option to take it to the park, play with it, and not have to share it since it is his. Parks are, after all, public spaces available to anyone for any permitted and non-disruptive use.

[Anonymous]

I have had children abuse DD's sense of sharing in school. They'll ask for a hair piece (clip, ribbon, band) and when she hesitates they use sharing as leverage. Then, they don't give it back. So, in school settings, I've practiced with her putting the blame on me. "Sorry, my mommy won't let me (take of this necklace or bracelet or hair clip)." It's hard for her because appearing rude is a no-no in our house and she's too young to understand that being assertive isn't rude.

The same has happened with DS, when boys ask to play with something, only to walk away with it. When teachers at aftercare step in, the kids claim, "oh, I was just playing with it for a minute..." then continue to f around about giving it back. They don't play with DS, they take the toy. So, he isn't allowed to bring anything particularly important (to him) to school. We've also set up some toys that he can actively offer, like those one-dollar collections of plastic cowboy and Indians sets (cringe, I know). Or, with those damn Pokeman cards, he holds them and "shares" by letting them look at them. That's it.

In public spaces, I'm there and will hold anything I don't want anyone to run off with (a special sword or his Razor). I have had to walk up to a child and say, "sharing means giving back" when a girl walks away with one of DD's dolls. If a parent is there, I'll let the kids take turns riding the scooter and cheer everyone on, knowing/hoping that the other parent will manage any child who might glide out of the area or whatnot.

Sharing on this board means one thing. It's not how I've seen it play out though. I've never had a kid lash out if I say, "We're focused on practicing X now. Next time, buddy." If my children have bubble guns and other kids gather to "share" (take them), I'll either be there to make sure each child has a turn or take over bubble duty and make a game of all the children in that section of the park catching the bubbles as they fly around.

There are a lot of different ways to share. OP needs to definitely teach her son to self-advocate and not get taken advantage of by other kids. But, OP, you also need to teach him HOW to share. In your case, if he's hunting something with the metal detector, the other child can join in the hunt and learn about other things he's found. He doesn't have to give over the equipment in order to share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the opinions are quite divided.

Op, do you ever include the other kids? I wouldn't hand over the bike (nobody expects that), but do you ever let other kids play catch or kick the ball WITH you/your kid? It's a good way to make friends, and I don't see how it would be detrimental to your goal of "practicing" his skills.

The metal detector: kids are going to be curious about that, that's to be expected. I don't think you need to share it, but you should take it only to places where there aren't a lot of other kids. You can find lots of good stuff at places that aren't parks.

Why? Why should OP's kid have to do this just because other kids at the park might want to play with something someone else has? It's not theirs, and it's not mean to decline to share your own personal items with random people in a public space no matter who asks. If a kid invite someone to come play, yes, that's a time when they need to share their toys. But if my kid goes to a park with a toy, and someone my kid runs into there wants to play with the toy, I don't think my kid has any obligation either to say yes or to stop playing with the toy at the park so the other kids won't want it.

If a behavior is neither an infringement of anyone else's rights nor against the rules of the location at which the behavior is taking place, there's no obligation to change the behavior just to suit someone else's preferences. Is the metal detector allowed at the park? Is it ethical to decline to share the metal detector? Yes. Then OP's get should get the option to take it to the park, play with it, and not have to share it since it is his. Parks are, after all, public spaces available to anyone for any permitted and non-disruptive use.

OMG, stop getting your panties in a twist. Who said anything about infringement of rights? Why: simply b/c if the OPs goal is to spend quality time with her kid, there are fields that they can walk that are near playgrounds, but she can be far enough away from unwelcome interruptions. Sheesh. Take a tranquilizer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the opinions are quite divided.

Op, do you ever include the other kids? I wouldn't hand over the bike (nobody expects that), but do you ever let other kids play catch or kick the ball WITH you/your kid? It's a good way to make friends, and I don't see how it would be detrimental to your goal of "practicing" his skills.

The metal detector: kids are going to be curious about that, that's to be expected. I don't think you need to share it, but you should take it only to places where there aren't a lot of other kids. You can find lots of good stuff at places that aren't parks.

Why? Why should OP's kid have to do this just because other kids at the park might want to play with something someone else has? It's not theirs, and it's not mean to decline to share your own personal items with random people in a public space no matter who asks. If a kid invite someone to come play, yes, that's a time when they need to share their toys. But if my kid goes to a park with a toy, and someone my kid runs into there wants to play with the toy, I don't think my kid has any obligation either to say yes or to stop playing with the toy at the park so the other kids won't want it.

If a behavior is neither an infringement of anyone else's rights nor against the rules of the location at which the behavior is taking place, there's no obligation to change the behavior just to suit someone else's preferences. Is the metal detector allowed at the park? Is it ethical to decline to share the metal detector? Yes. Then OP's get should get the option to take it to the park, play with it, and not have to share it since it is his. Parks are, after all, public spaces available to anyone for any permitted and non-disruptive use.

Of course you're right, but wouldn't it be easier and way more pleasant to take the metal detector somewhere else? I don't think he should have to share it either, but the metal detector is a novelty for most kids. They are going to want to check it out. There is nothing wrong with saying No, however, you're responding as though I've suggested stripping the kid of all rights to have fun. No, I merely suggested they'd be much more likely to enjoy their metal detector in peace if they weren't having to beat kids off with a stick, by going somewhere besides a park.

If you have an adorable little fuzzy puppy, but you don't want kids going near him, would you bring him to a playground? Sure, you could, but you'd spend the entire time telling kids to stay away. Or, would you bring the puppy just to make a statement about your rights?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is ridiculous that kids are growing up thinking that it is ok to go up to a stranger ask ask to use thier stuff. I hate the " all kids are friends and should share mentality". If a stranger walked up and asked for a turn to use my car, I would not have to explain that I am using it right now.

But you do need to teach your child that sharing with friends is different and sharing group things is different.

You are in a public play space not in your private home. And yeah, a toy isn't a car. Faulty analogy. You don't need a license to play with a toy.

Sharing is sharing. Should you force a kid to share? Not necessarily, but letting a kid, even one whom you do not know, play with a toy that you brought to a public play space is just nice. Golden rule: do unto others. What I learned in Kindergarten: http://www.kalimunro.com/learned_in_kindergarten.html

Lastly, unclench.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on team OP here. There is no reason your son has to give every kid in the park a turn on his expensive electronic toy. And trust me, if he gives one kid a turn, then there's going to be a line of kids waiting. I think your answer is just fine. "He's practicing today."

Plus 1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the opinions are quite divided.

Op, do you ever include the other kids? I wouldn't hand over the bike (nobody expects that), but do you ever let other kids play catch or kick the ball WITH you/your kid? It's a good way to make friends, and I don't see how it would be detrimental to your goal of "practicing" his skills.

The metal detector: kids are going to be curious about that, that's to be expected. I don't think you need to share it, but you should take it only to places where there aren't a lot of other kids. You can find lots of good stuff at places that aren't parks.

Why? Why should OP's kid have to do this just because other kids at the park might want to play with something someone else has? It's not theirs, and it's not mean to decline to share your own personal items with random people in a public space no matter who asks. If a kid invite someone to come play, yes, that's a time when they need to share their toys. But if my kid goes to a park with a toy, and someone my kid runs into there wants to play with the toy, I don't think my kid has any obligation either to say yes or to stop playing with the toy at the park so the other kids won't want it.

If a behavior is neither an infringement of anyone else's rights nor against the rules of the location at which the behavior is taking place, there's no obligation to change the behavior just to suit someone else's preferences. Is the metal detector allowed at the park? Is it ethical to decline to share the metal detector? Yes. Then OP's get should get the option to take it to the park, play with it, and not have to share it since it is his. Parks are, after all, public spaces available to anyone for any permitted and non-disruptive use.

Of course you're right, but wouldn't it be easier and way more pleasant to take the metal detector somewhere else? I don't think he should have to share it either, but the metal detector is a novelty for most kids. They are going to want to check it out. There is nothing wrong with saying No, however, you're responding as though I've suggested stripping the kid of all rights to have fun. No, I merely suggested they'd be much more likely to enjoy their metal detector in peace if they weren't having to beat kids off with a stick, by going somewhere besides a park.

If you have an adorable little fuzzy puppy, but you don't want kids going near him, would you bring him to a playground? Sure, you could, but you'd spend the entire time telling kids to stay away. Or, would you bring the puppy just to make a statement about your rights?

I'd do whichever my kids wanted. If they had a reason to take the puppy to the playground and dogs were allowed, we would do that if we could do so safely. Everybody should be equally able to enjoy public spaces, so I wouldn't let worries about other people's behavior keep my kids away unless there was a compelling reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have had children abuse DD's sense of sharing in school. They'll ask for a hair piece (clip, ribbon, band) and when she hesitates they use sharing as leverage. Then, they don't give it back. So, in school settings, I've practiced with her putting the blame on me. "Sorry, my mommy won't let me (take of this necklace or bracelet or hair clip)." It's hard for her because appearing rude is a no-no in our house and she's too young to understand that being assertive isn't rude.

The same has happened with DS, when boys ask to play with something, only to walk away with it. When teachers at aftercare step in, the kids claim, "oh, I was just playing with it for a minute..." then continue to f around about giving it back. They don't play with DS, they take the toy. So, he isn't allowed to bring anything particularly important (to him) to school. We've also set up some toys that he can actively offer, like those one-dollar collections of plastic cowboy and Indians sets (cringe, I know). Or, with those damn Pokeman cards, he holds them and "shares" by letting them look at them. That's it.

In public spaces, I'm there and will hold anything I don't want anyone to run off with (a special sword or his Razor). I have had to walk up to a child and say, "sharing means giving back" when a girl walks away with one of DD's dolls. If a parent is there, I'll let the kids take turns riding the scooter and cheer everyone on, knowing/hoping that the other parent will manage any child who might glide out of the area or whatnot.

Sharing on this board means one thing. It's not how I've seen it play out though. I've never had a kid lash out if I say, "We're focused on practicing X now. Next time, buddy." If my children have bubble guns and other kids gather to "share" (take them), I'll either be there to make sure each child has a turn or take over bubble duty and make a game of all the children in that section of the park catching the bubbles as they fly around.

There are a lot of different ways to share. OP needs to definitely teach her son to self-advocate and not get taken advantage of by other kids. But, OP, you also need to teach him HOW to share. In your case, if he's hunting something with the metal detector, the other child can join in the hunt and learn about other things he's found. He doesn't have to give over the equipment in order to share.

Great response! Love that you are teaching your kids how to be assertive and recognize their own limitations (ie. just don't bring it to school because you havnt figured out how not to lose it to someone else).