saying no to sharing, am I modeling it correctly?

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine to say no to sharing sometimes for the reasons you mentioned. However, I think the general etiquette in a public space like the park is that you share your toys with the other kids. And also I think the park or playground are good places to practice and navigate social skills with peers, under your supervision.

So next time, bring more than one item, so that you can offer a consolation toy to the asker ("Sorry, we're using this one right now, but you could borrow this other one"). And try encouraging your son to use the toy together with the other child so that they can play together ("Do you want to show him how to use it so you can do it together?")

You can't be too nazi about your toys in a public space because, kids are kids and are still learning- they are not yet very good at taking turns, sharing, understanding ownership, and using manners when coveting another child's toy). If it's really something you don't want to share or want other children interrupting your play, I don't think you should be at the park, you should probably be in your own backyard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who are saying the kid must share have bizarre viewpoints. People can ask to join in something, but they are under no obligation to let them. And expecting them to hand it right over is ridiculous. We don't expect this of adults, why would kids be expected to?

"Hey, you look like you're having fun with that soccer ball man, can I borrow it?"

Also, did you miss the part where the kid is special needs?

This is my thought as well. Others can ask to share, the answer may be no.

OP I think you're handling it fine.

[Anonymous]

I think you're over-thinking things here. If you don't want to share, say no politely. You're under NO obligation to share your own things if you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to say no to sharing sometimes for the reasons you mentioned. However, I think the general etiquette in a public space like the park is that you share your toys with the other kids. And also I think the park or playground are good places to practice and navigate social skills with peers, under your supervision.

So next time, bring more than one item, so that you can offer a consolation toy to the asker ("Sorry, we're using this one right now, but you could borrow this other one"). And try encouraging your son to use the toy together with the other child so that they can play together ("Do you want to show him how to use it so you can do it together?")

You can't be too nazi about your toys in a public space because, kids are kids and are still learning- they are not yet very good at taking turns, sharing, understanding ownership, and using manners when coveting another child's toy). If it's really something you don't want to share or want other children interrupting your play, I don't think you should be at the park, you should probably be in your own backyard.

No. You are calling for an intervention any which way. Either the parent of the proposed sharer is supposed to intervene to say they need to share, or the parent of the kid that wants the toy should intervene that its not their toy. If you were saying let them work it out, I could understand. But the fact that kids don't get the rules yet is not an excuse to have the rules bend in the favor of the kid without the toy. If you're going to institute a rule by a parent, you'd think it should still follow normal social rules.

Furthermore, not everyone should be expected to have a nice big backyard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who are saying the kid must share have bizarre viewpoints. People can ask to join in something, but they are under no obligation to let them. And expecting them to hand it right over is ridiculous. We don't expect this of adults, why would kids be expected to?

"Hey, you look like you're having fun with that soccer ball man, can I borrow it?"

Also, did you miss the part where the kid is special needs?

This is my thought as well. Others can ask to share, the answer may be no.

OP I think you're handling it fine.

+1 Adults don't hand over their iPhones to anyone who wants to play a game on them.

I don't make my kid share her toys with anyone who asks. With guests in our home, yes. A toy that is actually public property, yes. But if we take her scooter to the park and she's practicing and some kid wants a turn, my kid does not have to say yes. She does have to be polite, and we do encourage her to share, but she does not have to. And we teach her that sometimes other kids won't want to share with her, and she needs to accept that politely, too, and find something else to play with.

Also, playing with the other kid is not the same as letting the other kid have a turn. She's very likely to agree to let another kid play catch with her, less likely to just hand over her ball to someone else. If the OP and her son are playing catch, it might make more sense to have another kid join. It does not make a lot of sense to let another kid ride his bike when he's trying to practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to say no to sharing sometimes for the reasons you mentioned. However, I think the general etiquette in a public space like the park is that you share your toys with the other kids. And also I think the park or playground are good places to practice and navigate social skills with peers, under your supervision.

So next time, bring more than one item, so that you can offer a consolation toy to the asker ("Sorry, we're using this one right now, but you could borrow this other one"). And try encouraging your son to use the toy together with the other child so that they can play together ("Do you want to show him how to use it so you can do it together?")

You can't be too nazi about your toys in a public space because, kids are kids and are still learning- they are not yet very good at taking turns, sharing, understanding ownership, and using manners when coveting another child's toy). If it's really something you don't want to share or want other children interrupting your play, I don't think you should be at the park, you should probably be in your own backyard.

No. You are calling for an intervention any which way. Either the parent of the proposed sharer is supposed to intervene to say they need to share, or the parent of the kid that wants the toy should intervene that its not their toy. If you were saying let them work it out, I could understand. But the fact that kids don't get the rules yet is not an excuse to have the rules bend in the favor of the kid without the toy. If you're going to institute a rule by a parent, you'd think it should still follow normal social rules.

Furthermore, not everyone should be expected to have a nice big backyard.

Or any backyard at all.

I think that all toys are not created equal. A toy that several kids can play with at once is not the same as a toy that only one kid can play with at a time. And a kid practicing a skill or playing with a parent should not have to hand over their stuff. I teach my kid to follow the same rules that I do myself--always be polite, but it's okay to say no. It's a good idea to share, and it's often more fun that way, but it's not mandatory. Likewise, if someone doesn't want to share with you, go find something else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on team OP here. There is no reason your son has to give every kid in the park a turn on his expensive electronic toy. And trust me, if he gives one kid a turn, then there's going to be a line of kids waiting. I think your answer is just fine. "He's practicing today."

+1. I don't think there's a reasonable expectation of sharing someone else's personal property at the park in most cases. And that's a fine answer although I might not even suggest providing any explanation, just a matter of fact "no thank you," when the other kid asks to play. Politeness is required; giving in to others probably isn't in most situations especially other a kid who needs to work on assertiveness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who are saying the kid must share have bizarre viewpoints. People can ask to join in something, but they are under no obligation to let them. And expecting them to hand it right over is ridiculous. We don't expect this of adults, why would kids be expected to?

"Hey, you look like you're having fun with that soccer ball man, can I borrow it?"

Also, did you miss the part where the kid is special needs?

This is my thought as well. Others can ask to share, the answer may be no.

OP I think you're handling it fine.

+1

[Anonymous]

What does the poster who wrote "did you miss it that the kid is special needs?"

Most parents with SN kids strive for inclusion. This mom sounds like she's actively teaching her kid how to repel people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who are saying the kid must share have bizarre viewpoints. People can ask to join in something, but they are under no obligation to let them. And expecting them to hand it right over is ridiculous. We don't expect this of adults, why would kids be expected to?

"Hey, you look like you're having fun with that soccer ball man, can I borrow it?"

Also, did you miss the part where the kid is special needs?

This is my thought as well. Others can ask to share, the answer may be no.

OP I think you're handling it fine.

+1

[Anonymous]

Saying no is fine. I find it very curious that people loose their shit and scream about boundaries when it come to making their kid hug aunt Linda, or how deal with inlaws that show up their door step. But we then teach children to hand over their possessions anytime anyone asks and for any reason.
It's okay to say no!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does the poster who wrote "did you miss it that the kid is special needs?"

Most parents with SN kids strive for inclusion. This mom sounds like she's actively teaching her kid how to repel people.

Meaning expecting the kid to have an even higher level of social understanding is perhaps unreasonable. It all depends what difficulties are being had, but given it was worth the OP mentioning I figured that she should also be given additional leeway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let your son handle this. If he finds himself giving up his toys more often then he would like, then you two can talk about it, and you can practice effective ways for him to say "no." You model for your kids by saying no yourself when someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, not by handling situations for them.

This.

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing, but it's not modeling. You are telling these kids no because you don't want to do what they want.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm the oddball, but if I was having a catch with my kid and another child wanted to jump in I would feel like such an asshole turning him away because we were having "special time" or something. If the kid is trying to improve his throwing and catching skills another child participating won't in any way hurt your child.

Mom just sounds super controlling to me. I'd be happy to see my child sharing their things and actively learning how to make friends organically.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like these other kids are too used to getting everything they want. It's good for them to be told no, politely.