Feeling like I've failed my DD, re making friends

[Anonymous]

My fifth grader is bummed because she has no one to hang out with over the next couple days of no school, and because she feels like she has few friends generally. I sort of feel like there's a lot of girls in the neighborhood that are friends in part because their moms are friends, and they do childcare swaps, coordinate carpools for shared activities, have hung out together since they were young, etc. I'm a friendly person and go out of my way to chit chat with other moms when I see them at things and to attend school events, but I work FT downtown, and I just haven't really established that kind of relationship with any of the other moms. At this point, it seems like it's too late for that to help my daughter, as it seems like friendships are already kind of established.
She has one good friend, but she's busy the next couple of days, and is moving away at the end of the year anyway. I texted another couple of moms this morning, but they said their daughter already had plans for the next couple of days. I just feel like I somehow screwed up the social dynamics of elementary school (again!) and this time its my daughter suffering.
Sigh. Hoping middle school will be a fresh start, but fearing it will be even worse.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post! No answers, but I'll be reading the responses eagerly.

[Anonymous]

Set up play dates further in advance. Initiate sleepovers. She will get there

[Anonymous]

It may be that your working full-time did lead to this situation but you don't really know that for sure. Also, kids face these challenges at different times in their lives. While you feel bad for her, you haven't "failed" her. This won't be the last time she has to figure out how to deal with not having anyone to hang out with. She's also almost in middle school and relationships with peer groups change a lot then.

I understand feeling bad for her but be careful about making this your "failure." Kids need boundaries with their parents. It sucks for her but don't make it about you.

Anyway, this is probably easy for me to say. My kid is now in her 20s and has a long-term perspective on the social struggles she had when she was younger. It's harder to watch when your kid is in the middle of it. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

I'm an introvert and don't love to socialize. I also am anti-gossip - I'm not judging or presuming that everyone does that, but when I have been around other neighborhood moms that seems to happen a lot, so I have distanced myself. However, I do think this has caused problems with my children's social lives, so I'm going to try to be more social.

[Anonymous]

OP back again. If a mom says busy, but doesn't suggest an alternate date, would you suggest an alternate? Or is the "Sorry, but X is busy doing Y" just a polite brush-off if the parent doesn't say something like "How about Friday?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be that your working full-time did lead to this situation but you don't really know that for sure. Also, kids face these challenges at different times in their lives. While you feel bad for her, you haven't "failed" her. This won't be the last time she has to figure out how to deal with not having anyone to hang out with. She's also almost in middle school and relationships with peer groups change a lot then.

I understand feeling bad for her but be careful about making this your "failure." Kids need boundaries with their parents. It sucks for her but don't make it about you.

Anyway, this is probably easy for me to say. My kid is now in her 20s and has a long-term perspective on the social struggles she had when she was younger. It's harder to watch when your kid is in the middle of it. Good luck, OP!

Working full time is the problem here. Most elem friendship are driven by the moms. All the moms in my DD 4th grade class either WAH, part-time, or SAH -- except us. All of them, it's crazy. They meet up after school for play dates, moms go running or yoga together. We are outside all of that and suspect it's part of why DD has few close friends (the moms who run together have daughters that are close).

It's just how it is. You have to work to be more social (try to leave work early one day a week and make social plans with a SAHM you click with for example). But we could write your original post, so we sympathize.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are close - this will not matter in a year.

Middle schoolers make their own friends. Just be there for rides and don't impede her plans (which are often very last minute, and that can be aggravating)

[Anonymous]

OMG don't be setting up "play dates" for a 5th grader. LOSER

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be that your working full-time did lead to this situation but you don't really know that for sure. Also, kids face these challenges at different times in their lives. While you feel bad for her, you haven't "failed" her. This won't be the last time she has to figure out how to deal with not having anyone to hang out with. She's also almost in middle school and relationships with peer groups change a lot then.

I understand feeling bad for her but be careful about making this your "failure." Kids need boundaries with their parents. It sucks for her but don't make it about you.

Anyway, this is probably easy for me to say. My kid is now in her 20s and has a long-term perspective on the social struggles she had when she was younger. It's harder to watch when your kid is in the middle of it. Good luck, OP!

Working full time is the problem here. Most elem friendship are driven by the moms.

I completely disagree. The OP could be a SAH mom with a kid still be struggling to break into an established group of friends.

Also, some women are particularly cliquey for no apparent reason. If they live close to the OP and the kids are in the same grade, it would be easy to initiate an invitation. They don't b/c their kids aren't in need of friends. This could be characteristic of women who work or SAH.

Plus, many kids are starting to develop strong interests--in sports, drama, whatever. They often end up making friends from their extracurriculars rather than just the kids of their mom's friends.

OP, I would slowly steadily try to chip away at making friends. Try to arrange one-on-one play dates (just don't call it that) with your DD and girls who live close by. If you extend an offer 3 times and get rebuffed over several weeks, then move on. Encourage your DD to pursue things that she likes to do that are small group activities. It takes a while to develop these skills for some people. You've not failed. You're problem solving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG don't be setting up "play dates" for a 5th grader. LOSER

My kids play freely in the neighborhood constantly. But for friends where I need to drive my kids how do you do this? We have full lives- as do other parents and kids, so it usually takes a bit of planning.

You don't allow your child to have sleepovers and stuff? If you do I assume it's you and the other parent setting it up? What's the difference?

[Anonymous]

OP - where do you live? There may be area groups of use

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG don't be setting up "play dates" for a 5th grader. LOSER

My kids play freely in the neighborhood constantly. But for friends where I need to drive my kids how do you do this? We have full lives- as do other parents and kids, so it usually takes a bit of planning.

You don't allow your child to have sleepovers and stuff? If you do I assume it's you and the other parent setting it up? What's the difference?

Different poster here: I asked my DD on Thursday what her plans were for the weekend. She had plans with me and then had arranged to sleep at her friend's house Saturday night. I texted Sunday around 4pm to ask when/how she was getting home. "Jamie's dad is driving me home in ten minutes." Otherwise they'd have put her on the bus and I'd have picked her up at the bus stop near our house and we'd have walked the mile home together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be that your working full-time did lead to this situation but you don't really know that for sure. Also, kids face these challenges at different times in their lives. While you feel bad for her, you haven't "failed" her. This won't be the last time she has to figure out how to deal with not having anyone to hang out with. She's also almost in middle school and relationships with peer groups change a lot then.

I understand feeling bad for her but be careful about making this your "failure." Kids need boundaries with their parents. It sucks for her but don't make it about you.

Anyway, this is probably easy for me to say. My kid is now in her 20s and has a long-term perspective on the social struggles she had when she was younger. It's harder to watch when your kid is in the middle of it. Good luck, OP!

Working full time is the problem here. Most elem friendship are driven by the moms. All the moms in my DD 4th grade class either WAH, part-time, or SAH -- except us. All of them, it's crazy. They meet up after school for play dates, moms go running or yoga together. We are outside all of that and suspect it's part of why DD has few close friends (the moms who run together have daughters that are close).

It's just how it is. You have to work to be more social (try to leave work early one day a week and make social plans with a SAHM you click with for example). But we could write your original post, so we sympathize.

Pp here. Okay, I guess this is why I don't get this. My kid's elementary school friendships were not driven by the relationships between the moms. Maybe it had something to do with the school and the neighborhood. We had a lot of OOB kids and we eventually moved OOB ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG don't be setting up "play dates" for a 5th grader. LOSER

My kids play freely in the neighborhood constantly. But for friends where I need to drive my kids how do you do this? We have full lives- as do other parents and kids, so it usually takes a bit of planning.

You don't allow your child to have sleepovers and stuff? If you do I assume it's you and the other parent setting it up? What's the difference?

Different poster here: I asked my DD on Thursday what her plans were for the weekend. She had plans with me and then had arranged to sleep at her friend's house Saturday night. I texted Sunday around 4pm to ask when/how she was getting home. "Jamie's dad is driving me home in ten minutes." Otherwise they'd have put her on the bus and I'd have picked her up at the bus stop near our house and we'd have walked the mile home together.

How old is your child? If left to her own devices my child would plan a sleepover every weekend. However she isn't aware of our social/sports calander and often certain nights are impossible. Parental involvement is necessary when driving is required.