Feeling like I've failed my DD, re making friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again...I do let her roam the neighborhood, but people aren't often home. Plus we live sort of at the edge of the neighborhood so she would have to roam for miles to find a good concentration of kids. I used to tell her just to call people but no one ever picks up their landlines, so that's really inefficient. She doesn't have her own cell phone so I end up texting other parents at her request to try to set things up. I really dislike being the intermediary but I also don't want to give her a cell phone yet.

I think a lot of the girls that walk home set up "play dates" more naturally, but it's harder when you're a bus rider, as the school requires a note from home in advance to deviate from usual discharge instructions.

Plus add on the usual 5th grade girl drama and it's really just all beyond me. I don't think my being insufficiently chatty is the problem. My whole life people have been telling me I'm too chatty. I think maybe I was insufficiently helicopterish back in the earlier grades, when these friendships were all being established, and I was of the view that's wasn't going to administer her social life. Now I wish I had done more back in the years when all the moms were doing that.

Just as many playdates are set up on the bus or walking home from the bus stop. And is writing a note really that hard? It isn't for us, so to have my child take the bus to their friends is easy for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why you dislike being the intermediary. Thats....a lot of what parents do before children can drive, and especially before they have cell phones. Maybe I don't get it, but my kids are 10 8 and 6 and they set up all of the after school play in the neighborhood on nights where we don't have sports (lots of SAHM = lots of kids available after school). When they want a playdate they get the kids moms # and I call them and set it up. We are new here but I've found other Moms to be easy to meet and befriend, that helps as you trust people to have an eye on your child when they are at their home. Yesterday my two boys were out at friends houses that lived about 2 miles away, we dropped one off and the older boy rode his bike as the neighborhoods are connected by trails. My daughter had a friend over who also lives about 2 miles away, friends mom dropped her off. All of that took me texting with the other parents.

I assume you SAHM since you are so easily arranging play dates last minute. That is part of OPs problem, she won't be home to accommodate play date unless she leaves work early.

And it tends to be different for daughters from my experience, their friendships tend to carry over from younger years.

[Anonymous]

It's not lame to make playdates for a 5th grader. All the arrangements I know of are made by parents. OP, it's just that you need to make them a little further in advance. Ask your child who she'd like to play with on the half days, and then see if you can arrange to have that girl over (if you have a nanny or babysitter who will be there.) It's hard. I am a SAHM, so I can't complain. But I see that many of the working moms just somehow in the middle of their workday will send an email to arrange a playdate for their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not lame to make playdates for a 5th grader. All the arrangements I know of are made by parents. OP, it's just that you need to make them a little further in advance. Ask your child who she'd like to play with on the half days, and then see if you can arrange to have that girl over (if you have a nanny or babysitter who will be there.) It's hard. I am a SAHM, so I can't complain. But I see that many of the working moms just somehow in the middle of their workday will send an email to arrange a playdate for their kid.

But working moms have to lay the ground work by having relationship with other family. Look at the sleepover thread; parents have to have some relationship other than random middle of the day email. Also, that working mom will have to reciprocate play dates and they can take considerable planning and coordination. But it's these after school or holiday play dates that cement kids friendships st this age. Especially daughters.

Out of curiousity, these moms arranging play dates from work -- do they work part time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not lame to make playdates for a 5th grader. All the arrangements I know of are made by parents. OP, it's just that you need to make them a little further in advance. Ask your child who she'd like to play with on the half days, and then see if you can arrange to have that girl over (if you have a nanny or babysitter who will be there.) It's hard. I am a SAHM, so I can't complain. But I see that many of the working moms just somehow in the middle of their workday will send an email to arrange a playdate for their kid.

Unless quite wealthy, most working parents use SACC or equivalent. Some friends can be made there, but it's kind of a crapshoot. Very few girls in my DD grade are in SACC (all of her class except her have SAHM) but DS class has lots of kids in SACC, just different cohorts. Definitely see some SAHM picking up kids from SACC, but again the parents need to foster that mom to mom relationship.

[Anonymous]

In 5th grade, you should be having dd call kids herself. You wrote that people weren't picking up. We'll have her leave a message.

By 5th grade dd and girls she knew were making ththe calls themselves. pretty soon she'll be in middle school, so you have to get her used to calling kids on her own

[Anonymous]

We'll = well

[Anonymous]

We used to do that but I heard from parents that they often didn't get the message until the next day, and it makes it hard to then call another kid to see if they are available. Some families don't even have home phones anymore.
What's challenging for me is the way kids in my neighborhood are booked days in advance. I have enough trouble planning my own life days in advance. That's why I'm saying I've screwed this all up...I spent years thinking she could just work it out by herself without realizing all he other moms were making plans for their kids many days in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We used to do that but I heard from parents that they often didn't get the message until the next day, and it makes it hard to then call another kid to see if they are available. Some families don't even have home phones anymore.
What's challenging for me is the way kids in my neighborhood are booked days in advance. I have enough trouble planning my own life days in advance. That's why I'm saying I've screwed this all up...I spent years thinking she could just work it out by herself without realizing all he other moms were making plans for their kids many days in advance.

USE THE GOOGLE CALENDAR like the pp noted. Also, Girl Scouts etc.

[Anonymous]

I've failed my DD as well. She has no one to hang out with today.

[Anonymous]

OP, this has nothing to do with working or SAHM. Are you involved in the school? Volunteer? PTA? Teacher's appreciation? What about 5th grade graduation. If you work and use that as a reason to never be involved, then yes, you are being a social leper and it is hard to recover from.

What about birthday parties years ago when parents needed to stay. They are always on weekends. Did you send your husband or did you go, mingle, and meet other moms.

How about weekend sleepovers? Do you offer to have a night of 4-5 girls over your daughter would like to be better friends with. Invite the moms in for a glass of wine before heading out.

This has so much more to do with who works and who doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are close - this will not matter in a year.

Middle schoolers make their own friends. Just be there for rides and don't impede her plans (which are often very last minute, and that can be aggravating)

Yes, they make their own friends but by and large I have found the same thing carries over into middle school the first year. The moms are the ones ultimately making the plans and it's based on who they know and trust to pick up their kid's and houses and families they know.

My kids make their own friends, but there is no way they are arranging a sleepover with someone I don't know or texting me that some dad I don't know will just drive them home.

[Anonymous]

I think that it DOES have a lot to do with who works and who doesn't. My kids are off today- we are doing activities with other kids who are home- we simply can't do things with kids who are in camp or other childcare for the day. Same thing after school- kids get together from 4-6 frequently. If your child is in aftercare we would love to do something with your child, but they aren't home. It isn't meant in any way to be mean, it's just about ease and access.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this has nothing to do with working or SAHM. Are you involved in the school? Volunteer? PTA? Teacher's appreciation? What about 5th grade graduation. If you work and use that as a reason to never be involved, then yes, you are being a social leper and it is hard to recover from.

What about birthday parties years ago when parents needed to stay. They are always on weekends. Did you send your husband or did you go, mingle, and meet other moms.

How about weekend sleepovers? Do you offer to have a night of 4-5 girls over your daughter would like to be better friends with. Invite the moms in for a glass of wine before heading out.

This has so much more to do with who works and who doesn't.

Seriously, I barely have time to balance work and taking care of home, now i need a job at the school too or I'm a leper???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We used to do that but I heard from parents that they often didn't get the message until the next day, and it makes it hard to then call another kid to see if they are available. Some families don't even have home phones anymore.
What's challenging for me is the way kids in my neighborhood are booked days in advance. I have enough trouble planning my own life days in advance. That's why I'm saying I've screwed this all up...I spent years thinking she could just work it out by herself without realizing all he other moms were making plans for their kids many days in advance.

Yep and every time I see parents posting here about how they don't get involved in their kids social lives, I always wonder if their kids are really young. I found out the hard way back in K/1st because we ended up in the same situation and I work full time. After that, I did get more aggressive about meeting parents and being involved at school. This helped a ton. also, yes, I did have to get much better at planning and keeping the calendar up to date. I learned to check in with other parents on their plans about month to 3 weeks prior to a holiday and see if they want to set something up. TBH sometimes since I was working my kid went to a friend's house who she was not a great friend with at school but played with ok just because I am more friendly with that mom. Likewise, I have hosted kids on holidays and snow days that were not good of friends with my DD but were friendly enough but I know the mom well.