Feeling like I've failed my DD, re making friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this has nothing to do with working or SAHM. Are you involved in the school? Volunteer? PTA? Teacher's appreciation? What about 5th grade graduation. If you work and use that as a reason to never be involved, then yes, you are being a social leper and it is hard to recover from.

What about birthday parties years ago when parents needed to stay. They are always on weekends. Did you send your husband or did you go, mingle, and meet other moms.

How about weekend sleepovers? Do you offer to have a night of 4-5 girls over your daughter would like to be better friends with. Invite the moms in for a glass of wine before heading out.

This has so much more to do with who works and who doesn't.

Seriously, I barely have time to balance work and taking care of home, now i need a job at the school too or I'm a leper???

Okay OP, starting to see your issues. You should be involved in the school because it is your child's school. If you went all 6 years without volunteering, going to a PTA meeting or event, or helping out with one little event, then yes, you are a social leper and did nothing to benefit the school your child goes to. Most working parents are involved in some aspect of their child's school. My child's school board the President, VP, treasurer, and delegates are all full time working parents (men and women.)

If you barely have time or work and take care of your home, then that is an issue you have to resolve. As your child enters middle and high school, the demands are higher. Even if she makes her own friends, she still needs rides to socialize, weekdays and weekends. She will need help with homework. She will be in clubs, sports, theater, or musical events outside of school hours. Many in the evening or late afternoon. Are you just going to be that mom that blames work on not only your child's social life but also why you can't help her or can't attend school events? You need to prioritize here. Time is slipping away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We used to do that but I heard from parents that they often didn't get the message until the next day, and it makes it hard to then call another kid to see if they are available. Some families don't even have home phones anymore.
What's challenging for me is the way kids in my neighborhood are booked days in advance. I have enough trouble planning my own life days in advance. That's why I'm saying I've screwed this all up...I spent years thinking she could just work it out by herself without realizing all he other moms were making plans for their kids many days in advance.

USE THE GOOGLE CALENDAR like the pp noted. Also, Girl Scouts etc.

She is too busy working to get involve in school, she will be too busy to help with Girl Scouts.

[Anonymous]

NP. FT working mom who has also been a room parent several times and has held several other volunteer positions over the years -- including Girl Scout leader and cookie mom -- because it was a priority for me. ALWAYS do a volunteer shift when asked. ALWAYS bring something when asked. Sometimes I did the coordination or communiction if I couldn't be on site. Having said all that, kids needs to make their own friends and the sooner they are taught and encouraged to do so, the better off they'll be. I never found the SAHM vs. working mom thing to be an issue in DC or Maryland, but sounds like it might be in other places. Keep at it, op, and make the effort when you can, even if your own schedule is inconvenienced. Sorry to say, if you've never volunteered when asked you've earned a bad rap and you'll have to work your way out of that.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the whole thread but some of the more recent back and forth. Seriously, you think this has to do with how involved the mom is at school??? No.

No it has to do with how often you invite other girls to your house or out to do things (ice cream, movies, ice skating, bounce houses, etc.) and how often these friends reciprocate. Start inviting people over more often! That's how you form stronger friendships outside of school. Make the first move yourself.

[Anonymous]

Not all people have a ton of friends, and not everyone finds their "tribe" until later in life.

That said, by 5th grade one of the last things I wanted to be doing was managing my kids' friendships. Teach your DD to check your family calendar and consult with you for a good date, invite someone from school or an activity over, and wait for them to check with their parents and get back to her. Viola, social plans.

She might need a script or roleplay for the interaction the first few times. If she or her friends have phones, it's a bit easier. Otherwise, hand her your phone and tell her to call the friend's home phone or mom's number (as applicable), introduce herself, and ask to speak to Larla. From there it's easy. Chat, then "hey Larla, wanna come over on Friday? Ask your mom, I'll wait."

Then Larla (badly) covers the mouthpiece of the phone and yells "hey mom, can I go to Susie's house on Friday?" and Larla's mom either says yes, says no, or asks to talk to you about the plans.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP and I did NOT post the post complaining about volunteering. I'm actually the Girl Scout leader for my daughter's troop plus I go to every single one of those damn after school events and always stay at parties unless no one else is doing so. I'm extremely friendly with other moms but I'm not particularly tight with any of them...I don't jog or do Pilates and I wasn't in the new moms group where a bunch of them met. I think it's a little odd that I started this thread saying I felt bad that I hadn't done enough to help my DD cement friendships and so then everyone felt the need to pile on and tell me how I had failed. Yes, I'm saying I failed. That was the title of the post. Thanks for kicking me when I'm down, DCUM!

[Anonymous]

I don't think you've failed, OP. You obviously love your daughter and are doing your best. Things will come together for her! Ignoring the rudeness I do think you've gotten some positive advice re:setting things up in advance and being willing to have kids over on weekends.

Chin up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and I did NOT post the post complaining about volunteering. I'm actually the Girl Scout leader for my daughter's troop plus I go to every single one of those damn after school events and always stay at parties unless no one else is doing so. I'm extremely friendly with other moms but I'm not particularly tight with any of them...I don't jog or do Pilates and I wasn't in the new moms group where a bunch of them met. I think it's a little odd that I started this thread saying I felt bad that I hadn't done enough to help my DD cement friendships and so then everyone felt the need to pile on and tell me how I had failed. Yes, I'm saying I failed. That was the title of the post. Thanks for kicking me when I'm down, DCUM!

Sadly you did the wrong volunteering. You needed to be away from the kids and sorting books st the book fair shooting the breeze with the SAHM. Or hanging out after drop off for coffee.

The only way to make us for working is to be the goto hosting/ride mom. You just invite kids over all the time and the parents get a break (or free babysitting) and your DD rises in their eyes as a friend. Can you go part time? Or work early shift?

[Anonymous]

Don't worry, OP. The kids of these women who have been micromanaging their kids social lives will decide for themselves they want to go in other directions and it will blow up in their moms faces. Your daughter will be ok. Just keep making plans and other distractions. The more importance you place on it, the bigger deal it will be. Keep making the world bigger for her, not smaller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are close - this will not matter in a year.

Middle schoolers make their own friends. Just be there for rides and don't impede her plans (which are often very last minute, and that can be aggravating)

Yes, they make their own friends but by and large I have found the same thing carries over into middle school the first year. The moms are the ones ultimately making the plans and it's based on who they know and trust to pick up their kid's and houses and families they know.

Same experience here.

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with op volunteering or working full time out of the home. I SAH (and do not choose companions for my kids based on which parents volunteer!?) and have a group of mom friends in the neighborhood, but one of my kids is an introvert and rarely is called for playdates. OP, I agree with the advice to pre-plan - a week or so before a day off from school, or a weekend, ask DD who she wants to come over for a playdate, and email that person's parent. Do so again with that same child (assuming your DD enjoyed the playdate) a few more times. Don't be discouraged if it is not reciprocated at first - ime there are a lot of reasons why that could occur which have nothing to do with how much or little the other child likes your DD.

[Anonymous]

You gave me something to think about OP.
I am a SAHM and have avoided having "after-care" kids over simply because they usually wouldn't get picked up until 6 pm. Having another kid over from 3:15 til 6 is draining but I realize how important it is that they get invitations for playdates, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with op volunteering or working full time out of the home. I SAH (and do not choose companions for my kids based on which parents volunteer!?) and have a group of mom friends in the neighborhood, but one of my kids is an introvert and rarely is called for playdates. OP, I agree with the advice to pre-plan - a week or so before a day off from school, or a weekend, ask DD who she wants to come over for a playdate, and email that person's parent. Do so again with that same child (assuming your DD enjoyed the playdate) a few more times. Don't be discouraged if it is not reciprocated at first - ime there are a lot of reasons why that could occur which have nothing to do with how much or little the other child likes your DD.

It wasn't the volunteering per say, it's the "right" kind of volunteering to build that group of mom friends. If you were the working mom that other moms only know in the briefest passing, the other moms won't necessarily let the DD take the bus home with yours or let your DH pick up the girls after school, no one will bat an eye if you send a text at 2:30 asking if they want to come over at 3:00 because no one is working and you already have a re pore -- there's all this little logistics that get smoothed out if the moms are already friends.

You are advocating the same think for your DD, you are reaching out to the moms, likely who know you, to setup things on her behalf. Parents will respond first to parents they know rather than the random email from some mom you have never met, its just the nature of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gave me something to think about OP.
I am a SAHM and have avoided having "after-care" kids over simply because they usually wouldn't get picked up until 6 pm. Having another kid over from 3:15 til 6 is draining but I realize how important it is that they get invitations for playdates, too.

I think this thread was worth it to at least help build this bridge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gave me something to think about OP.
I am a SAHM and have avoided having "after-care" kids over simply because they usually wouldn't get picked up until 6 pm. Having another kid over from 3:15 til 6 is draining but I realize how important it is that they get invitations for playdates, too.

Or maybe WOHM can offer playdates on the weekends and their days off and then say "my child can leave child care and I can try to pick-up them by 5:30pm" I am sure many SAHM would be absolutely fine with this.