Feeling like I've failed my DD, re making friends

[Anonymous]

I solved this sort of, by having sleepovers. Parents enjoy having the night off or at least quieter, and I love sleepovers. I would read to the kids by flashlight to make sure they went to bed on time. Once I had 8 kids sleeping over, plus mine. It was fun. pancakes in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Try some activities with kids from other schools-girl scouts, rock climbing, Rec sports, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be that your working full-time did lead to this situation but you don't really know that for sure. Also, kids face these challenges at different times in their lives. While you feel bad for her, you haven't "failed" her. This won't be the last time she has to figure out how to deal with not having anyone to hang out with. She's also almost in middle school and relationships with peer groups change a lot then.

I understand feeling bad for her but be careful about making this your "failure." Kids need boundaries with their parents. It sucks for her but don't make it about you.

Anyway, this is probably easy for me to say. My kid is now in her 20s and has a long-term perspective on the social struggles she had when she was younger. It's harder to watch when your kid is in the middle of it. Good luck, OP!

Working full time is the problem here. Most elem friendship are driven by the moms. All the moms in my DD 4th grade class either WAH, part-time, or SAH -- except us. All of them, it's crazy. They meet up after school for play dates, moms go running or yoga together. We are outside all of that and suspect it's part of why DD has few close friends (the moms who run together have daughters that are close).

It's just how it is. You have to work to be more social (try to leave work early one day a week and make social plans with a SAHM you click with for example). But we could write your original post, so we sympathize.

Pp here. Okay, I guess this is why I don't get this. My kid's elementary school friendships were not driven by the relationships between the moms. Maybe it had something to do with the school and the neighborhood. We had a lot of OOB kids and we eventually moved OOB ourselves.

I think it definitely depends on the neighborhood. At our school almost all the friendships are parent driven. Kids are friends with who their parents are friends with. Mostly because everyone lives inboundary and there is a TON of parental face time at the school. If you're not around much as a parent your kid has an uphill battle in terms of friends.
I personally can't wait for middle school when the kids make their own friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be that your working full-time did lead to this situation but you don't really know that for sure. Also, kids face these challenges at different times in their lives. While you feel bad for her, you haven't "failed" her. This won't be the last time she has to figure out how to deal with not having anyone to hang out with. She's also almost in middle school and relationships with peer groups change a lot then.

I understand feeling bad for her but be careful about making this your "failure." Kids need boundaries with their parents. It sucks for her but don't make it about you.

Anyway, this is probably easy for me to say. My kid is now in her 20s and has a long-term perspective on the social struggles she had when she was younger. It's harder to watch when your kid is in the middle of it. Good luck, OP!

Working full time is the problem here. Most elem friendship are driven by the moms. All the moms in my DD 4th grade class either WAH, part-time, or SAH -- except us. All of them, it's crazy. They meet up after school for play dates, moms go running or yoga together. We are outside all of that and suspect it's part of why DD has few close friends (the moms who run together have daughters that are close).

It's just how it is. You have to work to be more social (try to leave work early one day a week and make social plans with a SAHM you click with for example). But we could write your original post, so we sympathize.

Pp here. Okay, I guess this is why I don't get this. My kid's elementary school friendships were not driven by the relationships between the moms. Maybe it had something to do with the school and the neighborhood. We had a lot of OOB kids and we eventually moved OOB ourselves.

I think it definitely depends on the neighborhood. At our school almost all the friendships are parent driven. Kids are friends with who their parents are friends with. Mostly because everyone lives inboundary and there is a TON of parental face time at the school. If you're not around much as a parent your kid has an uphill battle in terms of friends.
I personally can't wait for middle school when the kids make their own friends.

+1. I think oob works bc there aren't as many existing parent cliques and SAHM are probably less common in DCPS/charter bc if they were that wealthy to sah they would go private. In the suburbs there are lots more SAHM/WAHM cliques bc they have the time and proximity to hang out. Kids make friends with kids that are available; neighbors or the kids who you parents invite over every other weeeknd. MS kids interest diverge and true friends can take root.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG don't be setting up "play dates" for a 5th grader. LOSER

My kids play freely in the neighborhood constantly. But for friends where I need to drive my kids how do you do this? We have full lives- as do other parents and kids, so it usually takes a bit of planning.

You don't allow your child to have sleepovers and stuff? If you do I assume it's you and the other parent setting it up? What's the difference?

Different poster here: I asked my DD on Thursday what her plans were for the weekend. She had plans with me and then had arranged to sleep at her friend's house Saturday night. I texted Sunday around 4pm to ask when/how she was getting home. "Jamie's dad is driving me home in ten minutes." Otherwise they'd have put her on the bus and I'd have picked her up at the bus stop near our house and we'd have walked the mile home together.

How old is your child? If left to her own devices my child would plan a sleepover every weekend. However she isn't aware of our social/sports calander and often certain nights are impossible. Parental involvement is necessary when driving is required.

NP here but my kids have been managing their own social lives since age 8. They have access to the family Google calendar and will check it to see if we're busy. If not, they make a tentative plan with their friends and then each seek parental approval. I ask if they need me to drive and if so at what time, and if I can say yes I do. Of course, it helps that we can let the kids take the bus, Metro, or get a ride with a sibling many places.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, we aren't letting the 8 year old ride the bus alone and being new in town, I usually like to meet the parents, obviously and especially if its a sleepover. I'm just more involved, and I don't mind it at 8. Different strokes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are close - this will not matter in a year.

Middle schoolers make their own friends. Just be there for rides and don't impede her plans (which are often very last minute, and that can be aggravating)

Yes, they make their own friends but by and large I have found the same thing carries over into middle school the first year. The moms are the ones ultimately making the plans and it's based on who they know and trust to pick up their kid's and houses and families they know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fifth grader is bummed because she has no one to hang out with over the next couple days of no school, and because she feels like she has few friends generally. I sort of feel like there's a lot of girls in the neighborhood that are friends in part because their moms are friends, and they do childcare swaps, coordinate carpools for shared activities, have hung out together since they were young, etc. I'm a friendly person and go out of my way to chit chat with other moms when I see them at things and to attend school events, but I work FT downtown, and I just haven't really established that kind of relationship with any of the other moms. At this point, it seems like it's too late for that to help my daughter, as it seems like friendships are already kind of established.
She has one good friend, but she's busy the next couple of days, and is moving away at the end of the year anyway. I texted another couple of moms this morning, but they said their daughter already had plans for the next couple of days. I just feel like I somehow screwed up the social dynamics of elementary school (again!) and this time its my daughter suffering.
Sigh. Hoping middle school will be a fresh start, but fearing it will be even worse.

I don't think it is too late or has everything to do with you working.

It really has more to do with your own personality. If you are an outgoing, get to know people type of person, it doesn't matter if you work PT, Full time or not at all because you will get to know people at school events and out and about in the neighborhood.

Who is your DD the most friendly with of the neighborhood kids? Start there because you don't want to invite a child out of the blue who your kid doesn't play with at school. You might want to start with asking if a child can come over after school. This might mean you have to change your work schedule to accommodate. Offer to drop the child off at home as well to make it easiest on the mom. Plan to spend a few minutes chatting with the mom as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG don't be setting up "play dates" for a 5th grader. LOSER

What is wrong with you????

[Anonymous]

My 5th grade DD makes her own plans and then checks with me for approval/rides. I also text parents to confirm plans. There's no way I'd be setting up any play dates unless DD asked me to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG don't be setting up "play dates" for a 5th grader. LOSER

My kids play freely in the neighborhood constantly. But for friends where I need to drive my kids how do you do this? We have full lives- as do other parents and kids, so it usually takes a bit of planning.

You don't allow your child to have sleepovers and stuff? If you do I assume it's you and the other parent setting it up? What's the difference?

Not the PP but all of this stuff tends to happen in the neighborhood for us. My DD is in 4th and has been making her own plans and arrangements for the past couple of years. Kids walk or ride bikes to each others' houses. For sleepovers, parents do drop off and pick up but that happens in the evenings so work is not a factor. It really sounds to me like your daughter hasn't made collections as opposed to your screwing things up for her unless you don't let her roam your neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG don't be setting up "play dates" for a 5th grader. LOSER

My kids play freely in the neighborhood constantly. But for friends where I need to drive my kids how do you do this? We have full lives- as do other parents and kids, so it usually takes a bit of planning.

You don't allow your child to have sleepovers and stuff? If you do I assume it's you and the other parent setting it up? What's the difference?

Not the PP but all of this stuff tends to happen in the neighborhood for us. My DD is in 4th and has been making her own plans and arrangements for the past couple of years. Kids walk or ride bikes to each others' houses. For sleepovers, parents do drop off and pick up but that happens in the evenings so work is not a factor. It really sounds to me like your daughter hasn't made collections as opposed to your screwing things up for her unless you don't let her roam your neighborhood.

What?

[Anonymous]

Don't feel bad, Op. It is good for kids and adults to learn how to entertain themselves. People are overscheduled and it is ok to have a relaxing weekend once in a while

[Anonymous]

OP again...I do let her roam the neighborhood, but people aren't often home. Plus we live sort of at the edge of the neighborhood so she would have to roam for miles to find a good concentration of kids. I used to tell her just to call people but no one ever picks up their landlines, so that's really inefficient. She doesn't have her own cell phone so I end up texting other parents at her request to try to set things up. I really dislike being the intermediary but I also don't want to give her a cell phone yet.

I think a lot of the girls that walk home set up "play dates" more naturally, but it's harder when you're a bus rider, as the school requires a note from home in advance to deviate from usual discharge instructions.

Plus add on the usual 5th grade girl drama and it's really just all beyond me. I don't think my being insufficiently chatty is the problem. My whole life people have been telling me I'm too chatty. I think maybe I was insufficiently helicopterish back in the earlier grades, when these friendships were all being established, and I was of the view that's wasn't going to administer her social life. Now I wish I had done more back in the years when all the moms were doing that.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why you dislike being the intermediary. Thats....a lot of what parents do before children can drive, and especially before they have cell phones. Maybe I don't get it, but my kids are 10 8 and 6 and they set up all of the after school play in the neighborhood on nights where we don't have sports (lots of SAHM = lots of kids available after school). When they want a playdate they get the kids moms # and I call them and set it up. We are new here but I've found other Moms to be easy to meet and befriend, that helps as you trust people to have an eye on your child when they are at their home. Yesterday my two boys were out at friends houses that lived about 2 miles away, we dropped one off and the older boy rode his bike as the neighborhoods are connected by trails. My daughter had a friend over who also lives about 2 miles away, friends mom dropped her off. All of that took me texting with the other parents.