When your partner makes you feel like a lesser priority ...
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Anonymous
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My soon-to-be DH and I have had several arguments about the fact that I feel like I am a low priority to him. When we started dating, I thought it was great that he was so close to his family and had a large group of friends. However, he (3-5) nights/week on average goes and hangs out with "someone", albeit his parents, friends, sister, etc. before coming home to me. It might be 6:30-8pm before I see him. It frustrates me. I've told him this several times how much it bothers me that he can go and spend time with anyone but when it comes to making date night or plans with me or making me feel special it rarely happens. We hang out at home a lot. If and when we go out I usually plan it myself, he will ask me where I want to eat, what I want to do, etc. And it's exhausting. I just want to feel special and prioritized.
Take tonight for example. An old friend of his is in town, he went out with him last night. He told me as I was on my way home from work that he would be hanging out with him and his parents. It frustrated me that he told me last minute, but whatever. We got in a fight afterwards, which I feel like I overreacted because in hindsight it wasn't that big of a deal. But we were planning on hanging out with his friend today (Saturday) and he's also going to a game with him on Monday. We compromised that tonight he would take me out for dinner for date night. So today we see his friend and his wife, all day. When we came home I was feeling sick from what I ate and his friend had suggested in the car that he wanted to go out again with DH. DH again - left it up to me which made me feel awkward. DH knew I was feeling sick all the way home (I'm recently diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune disease can feel sick really easily). DH again asks me when we're home what I want to do, I said I was feeling sick and wanted to rest. He obviously forgot we were supposed to do anything because he says he wants to go out with his friend. I get upset, go to the bedroom by myself and he comes in and starts asking me "what's wrong?". I am just tired of feeling like a low-priority. He can make plans and has all the time in the world for his family/friends and when it comes to me we rarely spend any *quality* time together, other than making dinner and watching movies. I am doubting if this is someone I want to marry. We have seriously conflicting values about family and friends. If he was feeling sick, I would stay home and take care of him versus going out with a friend. I just don't know what to do/say. We've talked about this several times but it never seems to sink in. He acts genuinely surprised when I get upset, now I start to get resentful anytime he goes out which I know is overdramatic. |
Anonymous
| You seem needy. I wouldn't be with you. |
Anonymous
In this situation if you want to be with an extrovert, you're going to have to speak up and invite yourself along. Tell him, okay next time just let me know and I'll get dressed up to come out with you all - it'll be fun. |
Anonymous
You are wise to recognize some fundamental differences that would be detrimental to a marriage or any other relationship. If you two are committed to making it work I suggest couples counseling before marriage to try to develop a framework for communicating and resolving these differences. Your marriage would be on shaky ground of you proceed with in now. |
Anonymous
Yeah. I agree. If you're sick that often and it's not that serious, he doesn't have to stay home with you. I'd never make my fiancé ditch his friends to sit with me because I have a stomach ache. Actually if I'm shitting my brains out, I'd rather be alone. This doesn't sound terrible. My fiancé likes to go out too. I'm always invited or if I'm not specifically invited I sometimes ask if I can go too. What, are you waiting for an engraved invitation? Or are you just trying to control him and monopolize his time? Just because my fiancé goes out with friends all the time, I don't feel "low priority." I feel like...he has other friends he enjoys spending time with also. We often don't do a special date night but I'm fine with just hanging at home or going for izza. Stop being high maintenance. |
Anonymous
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Guy here. My wife and I for the first 15 of our 20 yr marriage had similar issues. I like to go out, hang with friends, etc. and my wife likes to stay home and be with our nuclear family. We fought constantly about this and she felt like she was a lower priority. Over the last five years things have change and we have compromised. I go out less and she goes out with me more. A big part of this is that our kids are older and more independent. I love her companionship and I am now able to see that she needed to feel that she mattered to me. Obviously I am slow and I should have figured this out a long time.
I do not think you are needy. I think you are mis-matched with your fiancé. I suggest you re-think whether you want to fight these battles for the rest of your life. It will only get worse, especially when you have kids. I think are wise to recognize your strong differences before you get married. |
Anonymous
| You both sound young--too young to get married. |
Anonymous
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You aren't ready to be married. Put things on hold. NOW.
This will not magically go away or just get better with time. |
Anonymous
| Caroline hax always says something about what begins as a pebble in your relationship usually becomes a boulder. I'd say you ate mismatched. |
Anonymous
| Making dinner together and watching movies can be quality time. Frankly, that's more "quality" to me than going to a movie or a fancy restaurant, because you're alone and doing something and can freely talk, laugh, snuggle, make out in the kitchen, etc. I don't need him to spend $150 for a night to be "quality time." And if you can't make a night in "quality" with the aforementioned talks, snuggles, etc. then something is wrong. |
Anonymous
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It is REALLY good that you see this at work before you get married. Either accept this and maybe attempt a work-around of off-limits days twice a week, when he cannot make plans with others (which sounds like a recipe for resentment on both sides), or let him go. Letting him know this is your dealbreaker may (maaaay) open his eyes. He'll either change his ways or decide you aren't for him. I loved that XH always stopped to help a stranger and seemed to take a sincere interest in others. That is until I became invisible to him whenever anyone else was in the room. It was maddening and bewildering ("Hello! I'm standing right here!!), and profoundly hurtful. The narcissistic thrill of others was more rewarding than being attentive to his pregnant wife. Hence, XH. This is who he is. You're tired of fighting, tired of explaining how corrosive this dynamic is to the relationship. You've gotta start looking to the future. It very well may not include him. |
Anonymous
Making dinner and watching movies is perfectly fine. But all the time? If her fiance is willing to expend the time, effort, energy, and money on doing things with other people, why not her too? Of course, she can come along to these outings with his friends/family but there is a difference between hanging out in a group and having quality "alone" time with him. |
Anonymous
| Op I agree with the others. He is not the one for you. You are mismatched. I actually prefer a guy like your fiancé who enjoys going out over staying home whether it's with me or friends I'm okay with it because I enjoy going out myself. Find a sensitive man who is a homebody. |
Anonymous
| Cancel the wedding. |
Anonymous
It isn't alll the time they go out, but OP doesn't like the way he plans things. |