When your partner makes you feel like a lesser priority ...

[Anonymous]

NP here.
I have no idea why so many pp's are saying OP sounds needy. She wants to feel prioritized. Her reasons for not feeling prioritized seem legit to me. Fiancé NEVER planning dates but 3-5 nights a week making plans with others? And the not paying for things?
Op has it always been this way? I'm really sorry it sounds like he is not very much into you. He also sounds a bit inconsiderate and definitely takes you for granted. But if it has been this way all along I can see why he is resistant to changing things - if it was a true problem before then why are you still there?? Sorry OP I do NOT mean to be critical of you, I am just trying to feel your fiancé's point of view.
I absolutely agree with OP that her fiancé does not do a good job of making her feel like a priority. And speaking from experience if there is no effort to change this before the wedding it will never change. It will seem worse when there are kids in the mix because you will be on your own with them while he is out with friends.
I know not everyone would have a problem with this. Clearly a lot off pp's here think you are "needy" and would not have an issue with your fiancé's style. But you do have an issue with it and it sounds like it might be a deal breaker. Try pre-marital counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is all I want, PP.

What's frustrating to me is that he is capable of planning nights with friends and family 3-5 days/week. But he cannot plan anything with me. I have to plan it, and most of the times pay for it. I pay for our vacations, I buy him plenty of gifts, if we go out for dinner I have to choose where we go. I would like to feel wined and dined sometimes and cannot remember the last time he planned something out for me without me initiating it. Yet he is perfectly fine to go out with friends to wherever and plan that.

I am aware I seem needy. I think it's that my needs with him really just aren't being met so it can seem like i'm overreacting. But it's alot of pent up frustration over the last two years. He works out of the home, away for 2-3 months at a time 7+ months of the year and when he is home he can't bother to plan or do anything special for me.

I don't blame you at all. It sounds like you are paddling this boat all by yourself. What if you stopped? What would he do? I think you need to find out the answer to that before you commit a lifetime to him.

[Anonymous]

If it bugs you now, it will REALLY bug you later. Or else you will stop caring and make your own happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It is REALLY good that you see this at work before you get married. Either accept this and maybe attempt a work-around of off-limits days twice a week, when he cannot make plans with others (which sounds like a recipe for resentment on both sides), or let him go. Letting him know this is your dealbreaker may (maaaay) open his eyes. He'll either change his ways or decide you aren't for him.

I loved that XH always stopped to help a stranger and seemed to take a sincere interest in others. That is until I became invisible to him whenever anyone else was in the room. It was maddening and bewildering ("Hello! I'm standing right here!!), and profoundly hurtful. The narcissistic thrill of others was more rewarding than being attentive to his pregnant wife. Hence, XH.

This is who he is. You're tired of fighting, tired of explaining how corrosive this dynamic is to the relationship. You've gotta start looking to the future. It very well may not include him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am aware I seem needy. I think it's that my needs with him really just aren't being met so it can seem like i'm overreacting. But it's alot of pent up frustration over the last two years. He works out of the home, away for 2-3 months at a time 7+ months of the year and when he is home he can't bother to plan or do anything special for me.

I really don't understand this mentality of me, me, me. Have you thought doing anything special just for him? Something HE'D like, not just that you'd like him to do for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am aware I seem needy. I think it's that my needs with him really just aren't being met so it can seem like i'm overreacting. But it's alot of pent up frustration over the last two years. He works out of the home, away for 2-3 months at a time 7+ months of the year and when he is home he can't bother to plan or do anything special for me.

I really don't understand this mentality of me, me, me. Have you thought doing anything special just for him? Something HE'D like, not just that you'd like him to do for you?

NP here. It sounds like OP does a lot for her partner, things she thinks he'll like. In fact, it sounds like she is doing all of the work of maintaining the relationship.

I don't think this is an issue of "me, me, me." It's an issue of "us, us, us," and rightly so. Her issue isn't that he doesn't prioritize or do things for her; it sounds like her issue is that he doesn't prioritize or even seem to care about their relationship.

He seems to think their relationship is the one thing that he doesn't have to contribute to. And it isn't his personality, because it sounds like he does a lot to maintain all of his other relationships (friendships, family).

I don't think this can be fixed without OP leaving him. Then he'll either miss what they had and realize he has to contribute. Or he won't care, and it will be better for OP to have learned that before getting married.

Many people find that years into a relationship or marriage, one or both partner has become sort of lazy about the relationship. And that is normal and often can be resolved with some communication. I think part of it is that it's a natural tendency to kind of put something you've been doing for a long time on autopilot, not realizing that you are even doing that.

But if one partner is lazy or disinterested at the BEGINNING of a relationship, that's a bad sign.

[Anonymous]

Sounds as though you are a low priority for him. You don't deserve that. DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am aware I seem needy. I think it's that my needs with him really just aren't being met so it can seem like i'm overreacting. But it's alot of pent up frustration over the last two years. He works out of the home, away for 2-3 months at a time 7+ months of the year and when he is home he can't bother to plan or do anything special for me.

I really don't understand this mentality of me, me, me. Have you thought doing anything special just for him? Something HE'D like, not just that you'd like him to do for you?

NP here. It sounds like OP does a lot for her partner, things she thinks he'll like. In fact, it sounds like she is doing all of the work of maintaining the relationship.

I don't think this is an issue of "me, me, me." It's an issue of "us, us, us," and rightly so. Her issue isn't that he doesn't prioritize or do things for her; it sounds like her issue is that he doesn't prioritize or even seem to care about their relationship.

He seems to think their relationship is the one thing that he doesn't have to contribute to. And it isn't his personality, because it sounds like he does a lot to maintain all of his other relationships (friendships, family).

I don't think this can be fixed without OP leaving him. Then he'll either miss what they had and realize he has to contribute. Or he won't care, and it will be better for OP to have learned that before getting married.

Many people find that years into a relationship or marriage, one or both partner has become sort of lazy about the relationship. And that is normal and often can be resolved with some communication. I think part of it is that it's a natural tendency to kind of put something you've been doing for a long time on autopilot, not realizing that you are even doing that.

But if one partner is lazy or disinterested at the BEGINNING of a relationship, that's a bad sign.

OP here, this is exactly how I feel. You confirmed my fears pretty much. When I get through some of this hurt I'll have to figure out what I want to do about it. It's an awful feeling to see him give his love and attention to everyone arouns but me, and then tell me he loves me but rarely take the initiative to show it without me initiating things or plans or telling him directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am aware I seem needy. I think it's that my needs with him really just aren't being met so it can seem like i'm overreacting. But it's alot of pent up frustration over the last two years. He works out of the home, away for 2-3 months at a time 7+ months of the year and when he is home he can't bother to plan or do anything special for me.

I really don't understand this mentality of me, me, me. Have you thought doing anything special just for him? Something HE'D like, not just that you'd like him to do for you?

NP here. It sounds like OP does a lot for her partner, things she thinks he'll like. In fact, it sounds like she is doing all of the work of maintaining the relationship.

I don't think this is an issue of "me, me, me." It's an issue of "us, us, us," and rightly so. Her issue isn't that he doesn't prioritize or do things for her; it sounds like her issue is that he doesn't prioritize or even seem to care about their relationship.

He seems to think their relationship is the one thing that he doesn't have to contribute to. And it isn't his personality, because it sounds like he does a lot to maintain all of his other relationships (friendships, family).

I don't think this can be fixed without OP leaving him. Then he'll either miss what they had and realize he has to contribute. Or he won't care, and it will be better for OP to have learned that before getting married.

Many people find that years into a relationship or marriage, one or both partner has become sort of lazy about the relationship. And that is normal and often can be resolved with some communication. I think part of it is that it's a natural tendency to kind of put something you've been doing for a long time on autopilot, not realizing that you are even doing that.

But if one partner is lazy or disinterested at the BEGINNING of a relationship, that's a bad sign.

OP here, this is exactly how I feel. You confirmed my fears pretty much. When I get through some of this hurt I'll have to figure out what I want to do about it. It's an awful feeling to see him give his love and attention to everyone arouns but me, and then tell me he loves me but rarely take the initiative to show it without me initiating things or plans or telling him directly.

It's not you its him. He doesn't know how to be in a relationship. Don't beat yourself up. Let him go. You will choose better the next time. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

What's so weird is this post reminded me of the person that likes to her family most days and didn'tt understand why her boyfriend didn't want to hang out with them all the time except the genders are switched. Same advice applies - you can't change someone that is happy they way things are. When you are so far apart in what you want and you both aren't planning to compromise, this falls under differences that tear you apart as the years go on, not the type of things that help you balance each other and become a better version of yourself.

If this isn't something you can deal with this for the next 20 or so years, be honest with your fiancé and put a pause to wedding plans. If he thinks it is worth trying to fix, look into counseling. If he has no interest in talking this out and making any changes, break up now. If you aren't willing to make any changes as part of counseling, don't bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the wedding.

+1

I am on year 7 of marriage and although he goes out less, it's still a recurring source of arguments. We are not young. We are 39 and have known each other almost a decade. But this issue is surprisingly not easy to compromise on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the wedding.

+1

I am on year 7 of marriage and although he goes out less, it's still a recurring source of arguments. We are not young. We are 39 and have known each other almost a decade. But this issue is surprisingly not easy to compromise on.

Especially once you have young kids and precious ittle quality time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need pre-marital counseling.

No she doesn't. She needs to be out of this relationship.