My mother is driving me crazy.

[Anonymous]

I love my Mom, I really do. But she's driving me absolutely crazy.

I was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness, and am in the wake of starting treatment. I've told her not out of wanting anything from her just so that she knows what's going on in my life. But, she does more worrying that is helpful. She calls, emails, offers to come visit and help and stay the weekend. I can't host her, because it would involve me needing to clean the house before and after she comes. I know I will have to tend to her needs too. I don't have the energy to socialize when all I want to do is lay on the couch. The truth is that when she's here it gives me anxiety because all she does is hover. I feel like i'm trying to appease my own mother's worries about my health while trying to take care of myself.

She asked me why I don't have a friend who can come over and stay the night in lieu of her, and I just said no. When she calls she is short with me, leaving long absences of not saying anything and just coming off as anxious. I feel horrible for pushing her away but her nervous energy stresses me out even more. It makes me feel like I need to ease her anxiety rather than take care of myself. I've told her if I need help, I will ask for it but I don't need it now and I could tell that bothered her. She was always like this when I was a kid and sick, I remember constantly having to tell her when I was sick "i'm ok, i'm ok" and I don't want to have to go through that again as an adult. All I want is support from my fiancee, because he is always cool, calm and collected.

I do feel really thankful that she cares, but the worrying does not translate to her being helpful. I'm not sure how to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Don't give her info about your health when you can avoid it. She is not going to be adequate support. It won't hurt her to hear about your health problems after they're resolved or under control, if you want to tell her then. It sucks that you can't rely on your mother, but she's not going to change and become less anxious as she ages.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just send her this post? It sums up what is happening and will give her insight into how to actually help.

[Anonymous]

My mother suffers from extreme anxiety and abandonment issues as well and can be insufferable as a result.
My story is similar in that I am recovering from surgery and she very kindly swooped down to take care of me. Actually my father is taking of me, while she stresses and hovers and verbalizes nonsense constantly.
Also I realized she pulled her usual green-eyed monster act when she couldn't physically be there for the surgery and was incensed that my best friend would be there for me - jealous, as usual, just like when I was a child and she refused all playdates and banned me from leaving the house to see friends.

I remind myself that my father is greatly helping, and my mother's presence is necessary for that to happen, because they are inseparable.
I remind myself that in her own twisted way she loves me, even when she tries to isolate me from my friends and other members of my family (even now, at 36, she tries to decline invitations for me).
I remind myself she cannot help being who she is.

So I have no advice, OP, but sympathy. Do your best to love her but keep her at arms' length.

[Anonymous]

OP, take care of yourself. I'm sorry your mom is the way she is, but she won't be changing. You need to put some distance between you, which means you stop giving her information. Tell her everything is fine. Then take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to put yourself first. That means also to stop focusing on her. She'll be okay. Take all the time and energy you threw away worrying about her and dealing with her, and focus on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Just say Mom, I love you. I know you love me. But you're giving me anxiety and right now I don't need any added stress. Let's make a deal. You can call me once a day or email once a day and if I need anything, you will be the first person I call.

Be honest. There's no point lying about anything. You're sick and she knows it.

[Anonymous]

Awe your poor mom is just trying to help you.

[Anonymous]

I understand your perspective on this.

Your Mother indeed loves you a lot & knowing you are very ill
may make it more difficult for her to not worry so much about you.
After all....What Mother out there wouldn't, right....??!

However you are a full-fledged adult now + have your own life to lead.
While you no doubt appreciate your Mother's love and concern, if that love and concern is also causing you a lot of duress, then Mom needs to back off significantly.

I strongly encourage you to have a heart-to-heart talk w/her soon.
Fully acknowledge to her that you are grateful for all of her love and caring. You truly are.

However her hovering over you + your life is simply too difficult for you to bear anymore, especially now w/you being so ill and all.
Stress to her how important it is now to be as healthy as possible and to have no stress in your life if that can be possible.

Hopefully she will fully understand how you feel & be able to cooperate in the future.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar mom. Not the illness you have (sorry to hear OP) but other life stresses. I tell her things only as absolutely needed. Even then I only tell my dad and he tells her.

It sucks having to be the mother to your mom especially when you really could use a healthy mom yourself.

I tried the heart to heart. I felt a bit better because at least now I know I tried. Nothing really changed, but she did stop calling as frequently and crying on the phone to me about whatever is going on.

I let every one of her calls go to voicemail and only call back when ready.

She's good physically.. will support and help with kids and give her time but the emotional drain and strain is too much.

It's crappy but sometimes saying I'm fine or I'm doing okay even when you're not is the best option. I have other support - therapy, housecleaning, friends, babysitter etc. and generally find leaving her out works best.

Sorry OP. It's so hard facing not having what you need or want. Mine is very anxious too and most days it's just too much to deal with.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is similar and she gets hurt feelings if not needed. If your mom is task oriented and her identity is tied to being a "mom" to you even as an adult then choose what you will tell her. Many times we have told MIL after the fact such as when my daughter was in a non-injury car accident. You need to save your energy. Great that you have your fiancee to support you. You could have a conversation or write a letter if you think it would help. Let her know the effect it is having on your relationship and things need to change if she wants you to include her in your life. Making boundaries is not easy, but necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP, yesterday I got diagnosed with pneumonia. I made the decision to NOT tell my parents, who live across the country.

She will say things like "do you have a humidifier?" "Do you have any days off from work you can take off?" and won't understand why I'm not taking time off. "Can you get some tissues?" I live in a major metropolitan city in the US and she's asking if I can get tissues? If she wanted me to have tissues she should just overnight me some. I need to concentrate on my health, not on making my mother feel better about my health, which is phony anyway.

OP, give your mom less information.

[Anonymous]

My MIL i similar in some ways. When my husband is sick we will not tell her until after he is well and did not tell her about my daughters non-injury car accident until days later when things were all settled. She would get offended when she offered help and we declined. Choose what info you want to share and if possible let her know you appreciate her offer, but with all her worrying it is affecting your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Manybof your mothers exhibit classic codependent behavior. Is this part of a larger pattern?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Awe your poor mom is just trying to help you.

So not the point. Right now this woman needs a parent who parents and it is terribly sad for her that her mom can't uull it off.

OP, I have been you and I'm so sorry. Please do your best not to take on anyone else's stuff right now. Unfortunately my relationship with my mom never really recovered. Mostly because my eyes opened and I realized she may want to have my back but she doesn't. Ground shifting for me.

I hope you can find the people you need to help you through treatment. On line illness support websites can provide great support and information.

[Anonymous]

One of those people who keeps health info from my mother (and MIL) because she does this stuff. To the point where I've had surgeries and only tell her after the fact. It's what I have to do to maintain my sanity.