soccer practice melt-downs - DD jealous when I show attention to any other kid

[Anonymous]

DD is in 1st grade and I volunteered to coach the school soccer team. It's a pretty big commitment, especially since I work full time and have to carve out time for weekly practice, but I thought it would be a great way for me to actively participate in a school activity, spend quality time with DD, get to know her friends, classmates and the other parents. So, while I'm getting to know classmates and parents well and I'm having fun playing soccer with the kids, the situation with my DD is AWFUL. She has been moping around practice, laying on the ground on the sidelines, refusing to participate, occasionally getting tearful, complaining of headache, etc. I've tried to generally ignore the bad behavior, focus on the positive and fun, and praise the heck out of her when she starts to participate, but it's not helping - if anything, her behavior is getting worse. Finally, in the car home yesterday she admitted in a teeny tiny voice that she doesn't like it when I pay attention to the other kids.

I'm impressed that she is so self-aware and that she was brave enough to tell me what the problem is, but I am at a loss as to how to handle it. I've explained that when we are at practice or the game, I can't just be DD's Mom I also have to be Team Coach at the same time. Also, I was honest and told her how disappointed I was that she wasn't participating because the whole reason I signed up to coach is so that I could spend time with her, and that I will be able to pay a lot more attention to her when she's participating with the group. What else can I do?

I already give much more attention to DD than I do to DD#2, so much so that I'm worried I am damaging DD#2. But DD#1 is a really sensitive kid and is so much more needy. I thought I was doing a good thing by coaching her team, but apparently it's having just the opposite effect. I actually lost it myself last night after she went to bed - I feel like no matter what I do, somehow I'm just failing in her eyes. (Full disclosure, I had a pretty terrible relationship with my own mother, so I obviously have a lot of baggage and trying to negotiate the mother-daughter relationship with a sensitive kid without a good model of my own is really stressful). Anyway, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO HANDLE THIS. Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I would let her know that while she is allowed to be jealous, she will NOT act out at practice. Let her know exactly what you expect of her (basically, she needs to cut the bullshit).

I would also suggest that you take a parenting class (and maybe get some counseling re: your relationship with your own mom) - it isn't fair to your other daughter that you are allowing DD1 to suck up all of your emotional resources.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any exact advice on the soccer part but as a person that had a fraught relationship with her Mom, your post really spoke to me. I wish I could give you a hug because I really feel you when you describe the struggle. I had to finally get to place where I had to separate my relationship with my mom to that of my kids. I also had to trust myself and know that just because I didn't have a good role model growing up, doesn't mean that my own mommy instincts aren't correct. Please don't cater so much to DD1 that you don't get quality time with DD2. I was doing that since I thought one child had a more 'demanding' personality and one was more easy going. I then overheard them talking and heard the easy going one tell the other sibling that I loved that one more because I spend more time with that sibling. Broke my heart and I immediately made changes. My kids are young enough that I pray I can erase the damage but it is something I think about daily. I know you mean well but please know that your younger DD needs you just as much. Good luck and hugs!

[Anonymous]

My daughter does the same thing. I've told her I can't chaperone field trips or help out in the classroom because she can't share me. That also makes her unhappy, but actually less unhappy than if I come and pay attention to any other kids. I totally get that you've already signed up to coach, so you're in it. I'm not the best advice giver since I have the same problem (I'm mostly just full of empathy for you--I had to give myself a time out last night when there was a battle over my helping another of our kids). But I might tell her that you're coaching soccer. You would love it if she played on the team (which means participating), but whether she does or not, you're coaching.
But mostly just hugs.

[Anonymous]

I have multiple kids with very different personalities. DH or I have coached all of them, and for one of them, it was a bad combination. A little different than what you describe, but this DC just always did much better with someone else coaching. So we stopped and built connections in other ways. Other of our kids have loved and thrived with parents as coaches, so a lot of it is the personality of the kid. (And perhaps your relationship with him/her.)

[Anonymous]

Did your DD want you to be her coach? If she didn't, I'd apologize, and promise not to be her coach again, and tell her you guys just have to make it through this season. Then continue being as supportive as you can be with her while still coaching the team. Lesson learned.

If she wanted you to be her coach, remind her of that, and remind her you don't have to do it again, but that she has to pull herself together and make this work. You can be a little harder on her if she was involved in setting this situation up.

In scouts, you can get fun patches for kids when they've suffered through being a leaders kid. My children liked getting those. It didn't always make up for the times I asked them to be especially nice to the kid who was having a hard time, or otherwise depended on them in ways I wouldn't have done to another kid, but it was recognition. Maybe you and your daughter could go pick out a special soccer ball, or get matching jerseys, or something, so she can have that special connection with you even when you're sharing time with other kids?

[Anonymous]

She clearly wants more time with you. I would set up a reward situation. If she behaves at soccer, you will have one-on-one time; go to dinner, go get ice cream, or sometime with her alone. I can see if she's craves attention from you, sharing you with others at soccer isn't going to make her happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that while she is allowed to be jealous, she will NOT act out at practice. Let her know exactly what you expect of her (basically, she needs to cut the bullshit).

I would also suggest that you take a parenting class (and maybe get some counseling re: your relationship with your own mom) - it isn't fair to your other daughter that you are allowing DD1 to suck up all of your emotional resources.

Is every first comment on DCUM for how to raise kids now:

1. Medications
2. Psych Eval
3. Parenting Classes


Sad...


OP, it is a phase. It is something that is tough now but could work later. If it doesn't, you will have to step down after this season. My first DD, either DH or I could coach. Actually she is now 15 and he still coaches her travel sports team. My 2nd DD. She is terrible when we coach (she asked) and it was not working. We just moved her to a different team and said our team folded. Ironically, now my DD#2 is more into theater than sports anyway and she loves me being involved in that. So try your child with another coach next season. It may just be she is not that into the sport.

As far as balancing the time with each kid, you are trying too hard. Relax. Certain times/months a child will eat up more time than another and it will flip again. Do your best. You already sound like a great parent with all the effort but you need to cut yourself some slack. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

very normal, find some ways to make her feel special that you are coach. Let her be first, let her pick her number, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:very normal, find some ways to make her feel special that you are coach. Let her be first, let her pick her number, etc.

Please don't take this advice. You cannot favor your own child when you are the coach or you will alienate the other players and their parents. Your child needs to be treated the same as every other child on the team.

Not every child does well with having their own parent coach them, and so you might just have to get through this season and then pass the coaching baton to someone else. For this season, though, I would talk to your child before the next practice about how you understand why she feels jealous and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way, but that she can't act it out during the practice because it's not fair to the rest of the team, and because you're not allowed, as the coach, to only pay attention to her. I would then also let her know that you're not going to stop practice if she's not doing what she's supposed to do, she'll have to sit on the sideline and watch until she's ready to rejoin the group. And then follow through -- any disruption gets a simple "Jane, please move to the sideline until you're ready to join the group," and then you turn back to the rest of the players. If she doesn't move, reorient practice on the field so that she's not in the way, but don't give her more attention. If she decides to rejoin and cooperate, welcome her back warmly and then focus on the whole group. On the way home from practice, though, take time to talk to her about the things she did well, how much better she's gotten at X, what she thought of how the practice went, etc. Things that will signal to her that you really were paying attention to her, and that you value hearing what she thinks too.

Once she adjusts to being part of your team, you might find the behavior settles down and coaching her can be a really positive thing. If that doesn't happen, there's really no shame in deciding it's not the right fit for your family, and then you can go back to focusing on her from the sidelines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: For this season, though, I would talk to your child before the next practice about how you understand why she feels jealous and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way, but that she can't act it out during the practice because it's not fair to the rest of the team, and because you're not allowed, as the coach, to only pay attention to her. I would then also let her know that you're not going to stop practice if she's not doing what she's supposed to do, she'll have to sit on the sideline and watch until she's ready to rejoin the group. And then follow through -- any disruption gets a simple "Jane, please move to the sideline until you're ready to join the group," and then you turn back to the rest of the players. If she doesn't move, reorient practice on the field so that she's not in the way, but don't give her more attention. If she decides to rejoin and cooperate, welcome her back warmly and then focus on the whole group. On the way home from practice, though, take time to talk to her about the things she did well, how much better she's gotten at X, what she thought of how the practice went, etc. Things that will signal to her that you really were paying attention to her, and that you value hearing what she thinks too.

Once she adjusts to being part of your team, you might find the behavior settles down and coaching her can be a really positive thing. If that doesn't happen, there's really no shame in deciding it's not the right fit for your family, and then you can go back to focusing on her from the sidelines.

OP here. This is exactly what I have tried to do thus far, right down to the same language, discussions in the car afterward, praise and rewards for good behavior, etc. Despite this, DD's behavior has gotten progressively worse each week. Yesterday, she was so negative and sad that she physically felt ill - complaining of headache and stomach ache in the car ride home, both of which magically went away within 30 minutes of getting home (during which time, I left the kids to my DH and hid in my room for a little mom time-out).

Thanks so much for all of the replies. I'm going to try a few new things and talk to her tonight now that we are a bit more removed from the practice and still have a few days left before our next game. I'm planning to have a rational discussion with her tonight about her feelings as well as my responsibility as a coach and discuss her options (participate versus sit out) and the consequences of each. She responds well to logic, so I'm hopeful that this appeal to reason will be helpful and will also demonstrate that I'm listening and empathizing with her, but that the poor behavior cannot continue. I'm also throwing in a bribe - if she participates in practice next week, she and I will have dinner alone together after practice. We have 3 weeks left in the season, so we'll see if things can improve or if we just have to hang in there until the end.

I also deeply appreciate the empathy - I have been taking this really hard, so it's nice for the wake up call that some of this is is normal and not a harbinger of doom for our future relationship. I know that I'm more sensitive to normal mother-daughter issues given my own experience, so it helps to hear an outside perspective. Truly, thank you all for your responses.

[Anonymous]

My husband coaches for our now 2nd grader. 1st grade is about the year when some (not all) kids start to clash with parent coaches (as in their own parent). Ours is one of them. What we're doing this year is allowing DC to play with the other coach in scrimmages and games; this may work if you have a two-coach model as many Stoddert and other teams do. If not, maybe get another parent volunteer to lead activities and let DC go with him or her?

Sometimes it's not a good match.

[Anonymous]

This is totally within the range of normal behavior at soccer practice. I've coached this age group for many seasons.

A few things that might help:
1) Get an assistant coach
2) Team rules - if you dont' follow, you have to sit out
3) Prizes at end of practice for good behavior - you can include all kids

I coached with a dad one season. He ended up deciding not to coach his son because it just didn't work out. I stepped up as the assistant so he could deal with his son. You really need an assistant or two to help you out.

[Anonymous]

We had the same problem at first when I was coaching my daughter's rec team. We had a similar problem when I started co-leading her girl scout troop. She doesn't always want to share mom. We sat down and had a serious come-to-jesus moment, and we talked it all through. It mostly worked.

In our case, I'm an assistant coach and a troop co-leader, so I can sometimes shift the coaching of her to another person.

I am also not above bribery. I don't see anything wrong with finding some small treat that depends on good behavior, or putting stickers on a chart toward a bigger goal at the end of the season.

[Anonymous]

I feel so much sympathy for you. This happens all the time. You are a great Mom! And a terrific person for volunteering to coach. I agree with PPs that you should ask someone to be the assistant coach - just grab another parent that you like. I like the reward idea also for helping your DD get through the remaining 4 weeks or so.

My husband is my DD's coach, and it has produced tons of bad feelings. I told him that all my years of playing that the most miserable kids were the coaches' kids. Our school's Stoddert teams have gotten to hiring coaches for soccer.

Good luck!