soccer practice melt-downs - DD jealous when I show attention to any other kid

[Anonymous]

Stop treating her like a snowflake and tell her to get over herself. You're taking off time from work, you know all her friends names, you're doing something that interests her. Point these three things out to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your DD want you to be her coach? If she didn't, I'd apologize, and promise not to be her coach again, and tell her you guys just have to make it through this season. Then continue being as supportive as you can be with her while still coaching the team. Lesson learned.

If she wanted you to be her coach, remind her of that, and remind her you don't have to do it again, but that she has to pull herself together and make this work. You can be a little harder on her if she was involved in setting this situation up.

In scouts, you can get fun patches for kids when they've suffered through being a leaders kid. My children liked getting those. It didn't always make up for the times I asked them to be especially nice to the kid who was having a hard time, or otherwise depended on them in ways I wouldn't have done to another kid, but it was recognition. Maybe you and your daughter could go pick out a special soccer ball, or get matching jerseys, or something, so she can have that special connection with you even when you're sharing time with other kids?

Apologize for being the coach?? Seriously?? Please don't do this. You're sending your kid the message that they are in charge and that they are more important than the team. While on the soccer field, they are not more important than the team.

I like a pp's idea of rewarding her with extra-parent time when she does well at practice (and tell her in advance what that means).

Your goal in parenting is to not make her your best friend, but to help her become a teen then a grownup who is flexible and resilient in life. Having her "share" you will help with that. Sympathize with her feelings, but push on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop treating her like a snowflake and tell her to get over herself. You're taking off time from work, you know all her friends names, you're doing something that interests her. Point these three things out to her.

And when she's 30, she will understand and appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

I actually lost it myself last night after she went to bed - I feel like no matter what I do, somehow I'm just failing in her eyes. (Full disclosure, I had a pretty terrible relationship with my own mother, so I obviously have a lot of baggage and trying to negotiate the mother-daughter relationship with a sensitive kid without a good model of my own is really stressful). Anyway, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO HANDLE THIS. Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks.

I think you can acknowledge her feelings while making it clear that you still expect her behavior to be acceptable during practice. I also think that, if you continue feeling so guilty and upset, it is going to be a gateway for your child to try to manipulate you as she gets older. That's not a knock on her. Kids (and probably most adults) will try to manipulate a situation to get what they want or need out of it. I would guess that I often fail my son in his eyes, but that's just his skewed view of things as a 7 year old. It's not reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that while she is allowed to be jealous, she will NOT act out at practice. Let her know exactly what you expect of her (basically, she needs to cut the bullshit).

I would also suggest that you take a parenting class (and maybe get some counseling re: your relationship with your own mom) - it isn't fair to your other daughter that you are allowing DD1 to suck up all of your emotional resources.

Is every first comment on DCUM for how to raise kids now:

1. Medications
2. Psych Eval
3. Parenting Classes


Sad...


OP, it is a phase. It is something that is tough now but could work later. If it doesn't, you will have to step down after this season. My first DD, either DH or I could coach. Actually she is now 15 and he still coaches her travel sports team. My 2nd DD. She is terrible when we coach (she asked) and it was not working. We just moved her to a different team and said our team folded. Ironically, now my DD#2 is more into theater than sports anyway and she loves me being involved in that. So try your child with another coach next season. It may just be she is not that into the sport.

As far as balancing the time with each kid, you are trying too hard. Relax. Certain times/months a child will eat up more time than another and it will flip again. Do your best. You already sound like a great parent with all the effort but you need to cut yourself some slack. Good luck!

The OP posted in ALL CAPS that she had no idea how to handle what was going on. How is suggesting she take a parenting class a bad thing?

[Anonymous]

I have an only child, she gets all our attention all the time, yet when I am in a situation with her friends, she will get upset if she perceives that I am paying more attention to them. She is also very sensitive in nature. I really think this is just her personality.

[Anonymous]

I coach my kids soccer team too and my daughter acts the same way yours does at practice. Purposely acting up, having a bad attitude, talking back. The other coach last season had the same experience with his daughter too.
This season I switched to assistant coaching, and she's been much better. I wAsnt going to sign up again, but she wrote this story in school about how she is so lucky that her mom coaches her soccer team. It was really sweet.

[Anonymous]

I coached for two seasons -- 2nd and 3rd grade -- and this issue flared up several times. It also happened to my co-coach with her daughter. More the first year than the second.

A couple of things that helped were not giving in to the behavior and treating everybody equally. The girls could either participate as good teammates or sit out. And other kids who, for whatever reason, came to practice with a poor attitude, or who were disruptive, were given the same choice. (Well, in both cases they could choose to run laps rather than sit out.) Similarly, our girls got to be helpers and demonstrators as rewards for good behavior, but so did everyone else.

In her heart of hearts, she is probably really proud that you are coaching her team. With luck, maybe you can leverage that to your advantage -- maybe impress upon her that her behavior makes it hard for you to be a good coach, and you don't want to be a bad coach? And emphasize how much you love having that special time with her and her teammates?

[Anonymous]

Getting an assistant is a great idea. Also remembering at all times, that although you love your daughter best, you have an obligation to the other children.

I feel for you. Your daughter might not be ready for this experience.

One suggestion: a snack before practice with protein. Have her be at her best.

[Anonymous]

First of all I want to say, You are an Amazing Mother! We all have our doubts about how we are doing raising our children but one thing for sure is knowing how to love them and teach them at the same time for their own benefit in life is not as simple as it sounds.
The first thing I got from reading your list was, maybe DD doesn't want to play soccer?
Are you sure that's something your child wants? Although you want to be close to her sometimes we can assume this is for the good but we need to also consider what the child really wants. It's the 1st grade, you child is still very young. Adjusting to school alone is a big deal let alone a soccer team. These are the most important years of a child's life. They want to feel secure and loved.
You work full time and you child is in school most of the day in which I'm sure she misses you. I can understand her wanting your attention after school.
I think it was wonderful how she communicated with you and told you her true feelings. I would reassure her your reason for being coach is because of her.
If she says she doesn't want to play soccer than that should explain her behavior. There's no need making her do something she doesn't like to do especially if it sabotages the reason your coach in the first place.
Your child comes first, and if that means not coaching to spend more time with your children doing something else you can all enjoy together, then I'd do that.

Your children are young, there will be plenty of time for other sports and teams to look forward to. Right now what matters is the fun and memories you can make now to establish a foundation of trust, love and support your children need.
I hope this helps, blessings!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - I had a similar experience with DS and soccer. He is very sensitive and it turns out that soccer itself was a bad fit for him, in addition to my coaching the team. Because he is a highly sensitive child (see Elaine Aaron's work), he experiences the world more intensely than other kids. This makes him a bit afraid of the ball and also very self conscious in sports practices and games. My coaching him made him even more self conscious. His way of dealing with his self consciousness was to goof off and not participate. But he was not trying to be a jerk and it wasn't really about wanting more attention from me, it was more about being self conscious and not knowing how to handle his big feelings about that situation.

in the end, I finished the season as coach so as not to let team down but I let everyone know halfway through the season that I wouldn't be doing it again next year because it wasn't a good fit for my family. DS enjoyed soccer slightly more and participated more when I was not the coach. But in the end, we concluded that soccer is not a good fit for a highly sensitive kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop treating her like a snowflake and tell her to get over herself. You're taking off time from work, you know all her friends names, you're doing something that interests her. Point these three things out to her.

And when she's 30, she will understand and appreciate it.

+1

My sister is the snowflake who got more attention and babied. It has done her no favors in her in life. I would encourage you to rethink the pattern you are setting up with your other kid. I was that other kid and I don't even speak to my mother as an adult.
Mother

[Anonymous]

I would ask her if she wants to quit the team or not. If she wants to quit, that's fine. You keep coaching until the end of the season. If she doesn't want to coach, she must deal with you as the coach. That means she is polite, she participates, or she goes and sits in the car (with no games, ipad, phone, etc) and she does nothing until she is ready to participate. You would do that with another kid - if they weren't participating you'd expect the parent to take the kid away. So she can have the same rules.

I think that while she is sensitive, you are encouraging that behavior by bending over backwards. I wonder if the more you bend over backwards, the self-fulfilling prophecy? Are you accidently giving her the idea that she CAN'T handle stuff, which is why you bend over backwards and spend more time with her vs. other sister? Because spending time together is something that kids totally notice.

So I'd gradually dial back the speending so much time with this daughter while increasing time spent with other duaghter.

And, seriously, she can quit soccer if it's so horrible. Otherwise, she can suck it up. I really think we are bending too much for kids now - this will not make her end up in therapy.