So unhappy in my marriage. Feel so stuck.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,
Just want to say thanks for listening to start.
I have posted in the family relationships board before about my in laws..mother/father in law and brother/sister in law. They are hispanic. I am not.. They are the main source of conflict in my marriage.
I am having a very difficult time with my marriage and working through my anger and resentment at these people. Brother in law is downright mean and ugly to me. Sister in law takes advantage of whomever she can. Mother in law is a very passive person...and husband tries to keep the peace.
We have three young children and are of course very stressed. . I am feeling so depressed and stuck, because I have so much resentment at my husband about how much money he gives my in laws and the fact that he very lamely stands up for me when his family is icky. I understand he is in an uncomfortable situation....however I feel like I am never going to get him 100% on my side as a true husband. It feels like him on one side halfway with his family, and me on my own, getting angry about things.
My husband doesn't question me about my spending. I really appreciate this, because I do my best to be frugal...however, he gives and gives to his family for things that they should be responsible for, because he doesn't want to see them uncomfortable. Of course, who does want to see their parents uncomfortable? But feeling like the money I make goes to them for their dumb financial decisions because he is the oldest, responsible one, is making me so so so resentful and I don't even want to be married anymore. Thanks for listening and advice.

[Anonymous]

What are examples of how your in laws are "icky"? Re $, can you each have fun money built into the budget for use on whatever you want? If he wants to spend his on his family, that's fine, but anything above it you both have to agree.

[Anonymous]

Get separate bank accounts, split the bills/expenses, and let him give his money to his family (after he puts money into a joint retirement account). Maybe it won't bother you that much if you don't see the money (how much) going to them. Just a suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Did you now have this discussion pre marriage. Especially about how he spends more money on his family? Intercultural marriages are different. Educate yourself well about those cultural differences before you jump into marriage. Anyway, you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your husband. You need to develop strong will and sit him done and tell him you've had enough. Change needs to happen and what your expectations are moving forward.

[Anonymous]

I remember you ... Yes, you are stuck if DH doesn't agree with you at all. If you work, you need separate accounts. If you don't work, you may need to go back to work, and then you'll spend all of your money on childcare anyway.

Would he agree to counseling? Maybe if you two just get a chance to really understand each other, you'd both be happier. I don't think the reality is going to change much, though.

[Anonymous]

I do work part time.
In laws are icky because brother in law is a selfish jerk who makes a lot of money and sits on the couch.
He yelled at me previously while I was pregnant and he had eaten my food. I asked him where my food was, and he yelled at me that he had eaten it, grow up, get a life, etc.
I realize this was a year ago...I am having a very difficult time "getting over it". Mostly because my husband says "that's how he is, he won't apologize, he won't ever change".
And that is okay??
Sister in law (his wife) is like a mute person. Aloof and doesn't communicate with anyone. She just dumps her kids at mother in law's house when she needs help. I know, not my direct problem.
We were invited to these inlaw's house for dinner a couple of weeks ago to "say hi" to sister in law's parents. I asked for a time limit for the gathering. Husband had a very very very difficult time holding up his end of the bargain. It was the time we had agreed on and he kept saying "not yet"... And then when he finally said we needed to leave, it was a million apologies. Why do we need apologies? It's like making me sound like I am ridiculous for needing to leave. And it seems weird for me to leave with the kids and leave him there. I don't want to leave by myself. I want to leave with MY FAMILY.
By the way, for that dinner, mother in law cooked a big dinner and brought it over. She said her neck hurt from cooking. And sister in law served CARROTS to go along with it. Yes, CARROTS and that's it. I feel that is very passive aggressive----because she is someone who likes to cook. Last time we went there a couple of months ago she served frozen pizza.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to take a deep breath. None of this will be fixable if you are angry. I am not saying you are wrong, but I know from personal experience leading with anger won't get you anywhere.

You need to speak with you husband. Your nuclear family needs to be first, not his parent. He married you and had kids, and that's when his parents became second to his nuclear family's needs.

I will say you sound like you are seeing everything as a slight right now. At this point, it might be better for you to send your husband and kids over to meet the in-laws, etc., and you stay home or go out with friends. Let the appearance of "just carrots" be his to deal with and not yours.

As for the money, others have said it. You need your account, a joint account and his account. You both should directly deposit the bulk of your income into the joint account which is used for only specific purposes. If you don't trust him to hold to specific purposes, keep you money in your own account so he will have to use the joint money or his money to pay bills. I'd even suggest skimming some out of the joint account into a separate account or cash if you suspect he is paying too much for the in-laws. Keep the money safe. It'll give you a feeling of control.

You might be just better just telling him he has a budget for his parents and he cannot go over it. If they have a big expense, he can only top out at the budgeted amount or roll over excess from previous months. He can tell his parents to ask his brother if there is nothing left in the budget.

You need to step away and decide to ignore what they think about you. If/when they start showing better behavior, you can consider seeing them again. Your husband can explain why you aren't there, down to, "you have treated her badly."

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for such helpful advice.
My only thing is that when he takes the kids over there (I have had him do that before), he doesn't return for HOURS. I don't like that. I don't want to sit at home waiting for my own children to return.

[Anonymous]

Plus, the stress of my husband's family and their "issues" is really wearing on my husband. He has been snapping at all of us in the house for the last two weeks. This is not the way I want my children to grow up. I don't know how to get these things through to him. I don't want to keep throwing out the divorce card. How do I make a point he will listen to without throwing out the "I want to divorce you AND your family" card?

[Anonymous]

I think for some things you need to learn how to pick your battles, OP. Some of the things you're upset about aren't worth it -- waiting for hours for your DH and children to return? Find something to do in that time for yourself.

I think you both need to sit down and work out a budget together, so you both can see the numbers. After savings and bills, each person should have an individual amount to spend as you see fit. That's what DH should use on his family. If you can't do this alone, maybe it would help to get a financial planner. Your DH may be more receptive to hear the advice from a neutral party.

For the other issues, get marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone,
Just want to say thanks for listening to start.
I have posted in the family relationships board before about my in laws..mother/father in law and brother/sister in law. They are hispanic. I am not.. They are the main source of conflict in my marriage.
I am having a very difficult time with my marriage and working through my anger and resentment at these people. Brother in law is downright mean and ugly to me. Sister in law takes advantage of whomever she can. Mother in law is a very passive person...and husband tries to keep the peace.
We have three young children and are of course very stressed. . I am feeling so depressed and stuck, because I have so much resentment at my husband about how much money he gives my in laws and the fact that he very lamely stands up for me when his family is icky. I understand he is in an uncomfortable situation....however I feel like I am never going to get him 100% on my side as a true husband. It feels like him on one side halfway with his family, and me on my own, getting angry about things.
My husband doesn't question me about my spending. I really appreciate this, because I do my best to be frugal...however, he gives and gives to his family for things that they should be responsible for, because he doesn't want to see them uncomfortable. Of course, who does want to see their parents uncomfortable? But feeling like the money I make goes to them for their dumb financial decisions because he is the oldest, responsible one, is making me so so so resentful and I don't even want to be married anymore. Thanks for listening and advice.

First-generation minorities tend to be very indebted to family and to help each other out. Do you think your husband got to where he was on his own? You're lucky he loves them.

Anyway, my father is not the oldest amongst his siblings but he is the oldest of those currently residing in the US. As such he feels he has a responsibility to watch over them and guide them - i.e. job network, getting their first apartment/home, exploring possibilities for family etc. He has sent money home to his family abroad for more than two decades. I never asked him how much. I never had to. Because he always put his immediate family first. When he sent a 12-year-old toyota 4Runner overseas for the extended cousins to use, he bought a new Porsche for my mom to drive. When I went to private school in the States, he made sure my cousins had small business loans to open up a shop in their home city.

It's about balance. You should talk to your husband and let him know your concerns. But know that as long as he is putting his immediate family first, he will always take care of his extended family as well. Just how it is.

P.S. - You can USE those connections as well. The Tia he gave a $500 loan so she can make her rent payment, ask her to babysit your three kids for a nice holiday for you and your husband. His nephew who he gave back child support to, make that kid mow your lawn. If any of those people have small businesses, usually its a quid pro quo deal (you're expected to use their services) but they will also give you free stuff to make up for the money your husband shared. Learn the lingo chica.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It was the time we had agreed on and he kept saying "not yet"... And then when he finally said we needed to leave, it was a million apologies. Why do we need apologies? It's like making me sound like I am ridiculous for needing to leave. And it seems weird for me to leave with the kids and leave him there. I don't want to leave by myself. I want to leave with MY FAMILY.

Probably because to them a family gathering doesn't have 'time limits'. I get that it sucks for you but...its kind of what you married into and what your kids are growing up with. You go to the gathering and expect to spend 5-6 hours easily. If the kids fall asleep on the couch or the in the side bedroom, so be it.

[Anonymous]

You sound a bit immature and very needy/controlling. Your examples all speak to being very judgmental (if your mother-in-law was ok with bringing dinner, great; if she wasn't, she can speak up) and needing to control the situation all of the time. If I were your husband, I'd be snappy right now too because he's never going to satisfy you unless he cuts his family off completely.

[Anonymous]

Sounds horrible! My DH is 1st generation, non-Hispanic, and I out limits down early. No one lives with us, no one gets money from us, visit as often as you'd like, but after 3 days, fish stinks. 3 weeks is my max!

[Anonymous]

The sad thing is that she DOES speak up. They just ignore her. She said when she showed up, "I am so sore and getting too old to cook". They said "oh, well we have carrots!" Wouldn't you think they'd say, "so sorry, mom! Next time don't cook!"